Help Me (615 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.2 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HHH (View user info) at 2006-07-07 19:54:25 EDT
I need some money. I need some money to spend on a spy satellite. I need some money to invest in car trackers, in robot slaves. I need your help, Ubersite. I am a man on a mission, however clichéd it may sound.
Let me explain to you through a story the urgent need I have for car trackers, robot slaves, and a spy satellite.
The other day, I was riding the bus home from the dentist. I wouldn't say "dentist" per se, but he's a man who looks at my teeth. Well "he" is not a real man, really, but I pay them good money to look at my teeth.
You see, I was kicked out of the dentist's office a month ago for punching a child in the arm a little too hard. Internal bleeding does that to a parent, and my only defense was, "Lady, your little bastard of a son is cheating at Mario Party", which did nothing to endear her.
...
So I was on the bus. I was listening to [insert your favorite band so as to minimize my -2's], and I was just kind of spacing out. You see, my dentist is also a drug dealer.
I had been spending most of my ride "discretely" staring at a young woman's breasts sitting opposite from me, but my drooling and incomprehensible yet definitely erotic murmuring must have tipped the fox off because she left in a huff, ranting and raving about something or other. Touché, boobs, touché.
I was without a definable source of entertainment, so I figured I'd play a few rounds of "pretend I'm retarded so I get to sit in the good seats up front", a game I played quite a bit more often than I'm sure was morally acceptable.
I wandered my way up the isles to the front seat, not bothering to try too hard, because I knew I was on a really good trip. The stares of my fellow commuters confirmed me, and strangely, I was proud of myself. In fact, a pat on the back was self administered, and the deal was sealed. I could sit in the good seats.
I spent the rest of my time idly chatting with the driver and staring out the window at cars that went past, exclaiming loudly whenever another bus went by, "VROOM! VROOM!!!"
It was just after a particularly engaging discussion with the driver about my favorite pokemon and the condition of my drapery at home (which, if you care to ask, is "very very very very very very my favorite drapes of all"), that I glanced out the window at the passing cars. The bus made a stop to pick up an old black lady, and while we were stopped, a car sped past.
This is the reason I need your help, Ubersite. I NEED to find that car. You see, that car was moving poetry in a way no lesbian mud-wrestle can contend with. The rims? Purple.
Tires? Purple rubber.
Interior? Purple.
Paint, tinted windshield, driver's clothes? Purple.
I hopped to my feet, casting aside all attempts at retarded ruse.
"Excuse me sir, you have to catch that car." I said in a deep, intense, commanding tone.
"Well you see I've got to wait for the people to get on the bus here, friend. If I don't let everybody on the bus, then—"
"Shut the fuck up old man and drive."
"...Excuse me!?"
"Drive! That's an order! That car was ENTIRELY PURPLE!"
"Well now son, I can't do that for you, you see—"
"Don't patronize me - the LISCENCE PLATE READ 'PURPLE'"
"I'd appreciate it if you got off the bus now."
I didn't want to cause any more trouble in case I lost my cool, so I got off and watched helplessly as my dream car drove into the distance. And it was there, stoned, tired, and hungry by the side of the road, that I swore to myself I WOULD find that car. Whatever it took.
Ubersite, I come to you a man humbled. I need that car. I don't want that car, I need it. And I have nowhere else to turn. My family lives in Canada, my friends have abandoned me...I have nobody.
Please Ubersite, I need you to all help me find that car.
If any of you are car tracking robots, I need you to help me. I know we have had our disagreements, but I am quite convinced that immeasurable treasures, cures to diseases, nay, the MEANING OF LIFE may lie within that purple car. It is in yours and my best interests to find it.
It is SOMEWHERE in Chicago.
Help me Ubersite, you're my only hope.
Help me Ubersite, you're my only hope.
Help me Ubersite, you're my only hope.
Help me Ubersite, you're my only hope.
User Reviews
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2006-07-08 15:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Same thing happened too me, but the wholllle thing was green, and jesused right out. I was only a little kid, but I remember it like it was yesterday. Anyhow, I would seriously help you find the lost purple car in the deep lost realms of chicago, but I live in Montreal. I just need something too make life fun again.
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2006-07-08 12:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by HHH (user info) at 2006-07-08 06:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-07-08 06:07:21 (#)
Ranking: -1
1) Your name doesn't change in the reviews, only on new posts.
2) You know purple is the international ghey colour, right?
---
That's the most childish thing I've ever heard.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-07-08 06:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
1) Your name doesn't change in the reviews, only on new posts.
2) You know purple is the international ghey colour, right?
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2006-07-08 00:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-07 22:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:35:52 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'll donate two bucks if you never post again.
Oh, and you also have to maim yourself, to collect.
---------------
What Shlongy said. . .
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-07-07 22:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-07 21:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'll donate two bucks if you never post again.
Oh, and you also have to maim yourself, to collect.
Submitted by HHH (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Someone help me! This is a serious quest!
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Never in the review section
Submitted by HHH (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck, my name won't change.
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have money
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen something similar, only entirely pink and was an old Ford Winstar.
Just pay whatever the dumb fee is to trace licence plates and find owner info. Yes, they make you pay them to find out where the owner of the PT Cruiser who ran into you and then sped off lives so you can find their house and promptly egg it and smear peanut butter on all door handles in hopes that someone who lives there is allergic, which will provide you with adequate revenge and a well deserved smirk even though the absence of said car is a tad unsettling and what seems like every single neighbour is out on their lawns watching you with wide eyes and mouth agape at the unusual sight of a man dressed head to toe entirely in black eggs what turns out to be an 80 year old womans house at the bright time of 4 pm, which seemed like 4 am for said black clothed man because he had been up all day and night punching a pillow in sheer frustration of the unannounced price hike in 1% milk at the grocery store, which made him go bizzerk in the parking lot and jump on the hoods of cars in a desperate attempt to rally fellow consumers against this monopoly of cow excrement: they didn't bite, but did announce that dents were more expensive than milk, but the clever man would retort that dents didn't nurse you to life and without milk you wouldn't be around to fume over my artistic rage-filled dentings.
Watch out for stuff like that on your search. It'll git ya'.
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HHH (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FUUUUUCK
Submitted by HHH (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Has it changed yet?
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've got satellites at my disposal and we're searching................your "dentist".
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:03:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I used to have a purple Camaro...until I wrecked it.
Submitted by HHH (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GOD DAMNIT CHANGE!
Submitted by HHH (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright fuck wrestling, I'm changing my name. You all know who I am anyways.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BUT YOU'RE A FAMOUS WRESTLER? WHY WOULD YOU NEED MONEY FROM US?
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-07-07 20:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Oh and that car belongs to Bart
Submitted by guiness (user info) at 2006-07-07 19:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment