My Grandpa's A Galactic Asshole (1560 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's House of St. Awesome (View user info) at 2006-07-09 05:11:13 EDT
The day my grandpa came down from heaven started off with its obvious strangeness. Normal strangeness I can deal with. Normal strangeness is like finding a dead fly in the light fixture on the ceiling and wondering how it got in there. This was something you half-expect to happen while at the same time wonder why the thought has ever crossed your mind. The untrue and the true. The dead and the undead.
I opened my front door and there he was. Undead grandpa.
Now, he wasn't exactly how I remembered him. No, he wasn't the awkward old man in brown slacks and a stained white t-shirt. Stained with what we never knew. His shoulders didn't slump and his hair wasn't greyed by time. This wasn't the man that died on my first day of grade eight.
This was the man who stood in the photo on my father's desk. Twenty years old on his first trip to the big city. Young and hopeful. Frozen in a moment when everything was at his reach. Before reality crushed his dreams. It's a nice picture. Now here he is, in the flesh and not the sepia.
His face was real. That flesh pinked to life with a blush when he realized we had been staring at each other for five minutes without saying a word.
"So," he said in an ancient voice I only heard in my dreams, "here I am."
I don't remember what I said. I'm sure it wasn't memorable.
My twenty-year-old suddenly undead grandfather took me for a walk. I was calm. Very calm. Strangely calm. Petrified by fear? Maybe. I'll go with calm until something more tactful crosses my mind to describe this feeling.
Of all the questions that could come to my mind, I had to bring up the dumbest one in the books. In my mind, everything is organized into books. I just happened to pick out the 'Dumbest Questions Imaginable To Ask Your Undead Grandpa' book.
"Why did you pick my first day of grade eight to die?" I paused. "I was really excited for grade eight. I missed the first week and got the crappiest seats in every class and the worst locker. You ruined that whole year."
He shrugged. "Would it have mattered if I had died on the second day of grade eight?"
I ran my tongue over my teeth and thought. I couldn't pick out anything else to say so I shut up. Grandpa never liked stupid questions when he was alive the first time. I should just stick to the good ones.
"Aren't you going to ask why I'm here?" He asked when we reached a bench. He sat down and I slumped next to him.
I shrugged. "To apologize for ruining grade eight?"
He chuckled. "No, not really."
I sighed. "Why are you here?"
He smiled. "What if I told you I'm not going to tell you?"
"Then I would say there is probably a better way to phrase that statement," I answered.
"Smart ass."
"Undead grandpa."
He laughed. He never lost his laugh when he was in his final days. I saw him two days before he died. I was wrapped up in my little world of getting ready for a new school and new friends. All I could talk about was my bright red backpack and my new shoes. I wish I had listened to what he had to say then. Maybe that's why he's here. I get to have a second chance.
I opened my mouth and he shook his head and laughed again.
"You didn't want to hear the wisdom the first time," he said sharply. "Why now?"
I shrugged. Wisdom? Hardly. "I'm older and more mature. I've had time to identify what made me such a rotten kid."
"You were never rotten," my grandpa smiled. "Maybe a little rotten behind your ears, but that was never your fault."
I sighed, filling the silence with something other than empty air. "So why are you here?"
He stretched his arms behind his head. "When you figure it out, come and find me. I'll buy you some ice cream and maybe a new fishing pole."
He stood and winked at me. "I won't be far."
As he walked away, one thought rang clear in my head.
Even when he was undead, my grandpa was a galactic asshole.
User Reviews
Submitted by KungFu (user info) at 2006-08-21 21:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-08-21 21:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AARGH BLEEDING FROM MY FACE!
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-14 18:10:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Going to barnes and noble.........now
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-07-14 00:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. A hearty thanks to you, sir.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-14 00:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll search for it tomorrow, if I find a copy I will buy it and mail it to you.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-12 11:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is the last time I rate any of your posts:
darko (user info) 609 on 333 = 1.83
stevie_says (user info) 602 on 333 = 1.81
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-11 03:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can keep rating this one without having it affect your rating.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-07-10 18:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-07-10 03:52:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
When I first glanced at the title, I thought it read: My Grandpa's Galactic Asshole.
That garnished a +2 alone.
But then I read it. This is really great work. I gave it a +4 in my heart.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-07-10 18:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-10 05:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey steve! My ratings ban means you have the best post ever on ubersite again!! Hooray!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-10 05:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, my name isn't "Waaaah, I can't be the captain so I'm gonan leave"
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-10 05:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dink. Go sign with the Rangers, you big dink.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-10 04:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-10 04:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If it's not a perma-ratings ban that means eventually all these 0s are gonna come back and ite you.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-10 04:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't remember what I said. I'm sure it wasn't memorable.
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Y helo thar albert camus
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-10 04:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By that I mean perma ratings ban.
I don't make sense because I've been drinking gasoline again. Damn that shit's expensive.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-10 04:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's probably not a perma-ban.
Just trying to teach you a lesson.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-10 04:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
weeeeeeeeeeps :'( 15 ratings get your ratings banned
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-10 03:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Darko went and sullied the good name of Best Ever.
Way to sully, sullier.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-10 03:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doesn't look like they matter.
What'd you do, darko?
Even mine still work...
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-07-10 03:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I first glanced at the title, I thought it read: My Grandpa's Galactic Asshole.
That garnished a +2 alone.
But then I read it. This is really great work. I gave it a +4 in my heart.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-10 03:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would offer to find out, but I figure I must be on bart's bad side right now and I don't want to be banned.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-10 03:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I imagine my ratings no loner count towards heat
Submitted by HamTan (user info) at 2006-07-10 01:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like your grandpa
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-07-09 17:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't get it...
+2!!!!
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-07-09 16:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The face of awesome was expecting some comedy but got slapped in the face by the touching story dick.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-07-09 16:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-09 14:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a sweet old bastard he was...is..
+filename
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-09 14:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-09 05:51:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stevie?
Are you going soft and insane at the same time?
Just wondering, is all...
--
Both?
Yeah.
Both.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-09 13:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The awesomeness continues.
Submitted by DirtyDoubleEntendre (user info) at 2006-07-09 12:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, should continue.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-07-09 11:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this. I'd like to see it go on...
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-07-09 11:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weird and interesting.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-09 05:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stevie?
Are you going soft and insane at the same time?
Just wondering, is all...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-09 05:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
will read later
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2006-07-09 05:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't think of a damn thing to type here... so, I typed this.
Be Happy Now...
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-07-09 05:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
strangely touching