Lacking (851 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.4 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brandon Fabish <brandino_the_great.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-06-17 20:57:36 EDT
For months it had been like this. It used to be fun. Entertaining. Because when something is new to you, when something is different, it is exciting. Just as long as you are still having fun with it, you will enjoy it.
The fun stopped a long time ago. It was a habit that was hard to break. Addiction isn't the right word, but it is the first that comes to mind. Go back a little further to when it all started. It was early in January. This is when things started to change. This is when things took a turn for the worse.
So I'm talking to a friend. I mentioned how I was up until the early hours of dawn watching a movie. He says something about how he was trying to stay up late. Just for the fun of it. I continued from then on to stay up late. For me it wasn't about fun. It was entertainment. I wasn't productive, but I felt like I was living more of my life.
If I'm up for 20 hours and asleep for 4, I'm winning. It was a week later and it was still occurring. Night after night, I would stay up. Late. Night after night I slept less and less. I wasn't having a bad time doing it. I wasn't being very productive though. My mind-set was completely wrong. Everything was left to do. Nothing was accomplished.
When you stay up late enough, long enough, your thoughts become questionable. You wonder what everything is and why. Every fact becomes a possibility. Everything I needed to do I put off. With the rest of the night ahead of my, why bother doing it now? I never got my tasks done.
By this time I'm so far out of touch with reality I set my clocks wrong. Each and every one of them. They were all wrong. I didn't want time to exist. If time were going to tick, it would be on my own agenda. Not something that was made up. I made up my own time. I even began eating during time slots. Not because I was hungry anymore, but because the clock said so.
It is by this time I have to start doing more and more obscure things. To make my craving still real. To make it entertaining. To keep things fun and surprising. My imagination was incredible. I hope I never again see things so clear so real and so false and deceiving.
I hooked up a strobe light one night. I turned it on and placed the flash setting to the highest it could go. In one corner of my room was the light.
Flash.
Flash. Flash.
Flash, flash. Flash.
Flash.
I can't remember what I was thinking about. Or if I even was thinking. I do remember what I saw. It was completely irrelevant to anything. What I saw was a dragon in the strobe light. The image wasn't pixilated or disturbed in any way. Clear as day, there was a dragon. I also saw a space ship. Think of the one in the Defender game. That was what I saw. I was that far out of it. I probably was asleep. I can't recall.
It was a while after this I was beginning to hate it. Every day I wanted to spend sleeping. Screw life, sleep is better. The subconscious has more to offer than reality. Why bother? But I couldn't. I hadn't slept during a night for so long. Lack of sleep brought me so much will power. I guess I should be thanking it.
Every morning I had to get up early. All day I was a zombie. Then I went home to never finish what was always started. This is how my life was for half a year. Half a year wasted. It wasn't until the other day I finally stopped. I finally told myself I had to do something about it.
I wasn't really miserable during those six months, but I wasn't happy. Everything I actually accomplished was only because I knew I had to. I was ruining my life though. My friends couldn't see it. I showed almost no emotion. A smile, maybe a laugh. Everything that came from my mouth was the truth. Most people don't realize it, but no one wants to hear the truth. Ever. Not your friends. Not your coworkers. Not your family. Little "white lies" are a Godsend from Heaven. If there is one.
After a long day of nothing, followed by half a night of nothing, it was only midnight. Here is where I stood up and changed things.
I had to stay awake.
To stop this horrible feeling I get every morning I wake up.
I had to stay awake.
To stop the ringing in my ears every time I hear a noise, or the echo after someone laughs or screams.
I had to stay awake.
Deep down inside I did the one thing I knew would keep me up. Because it was pointless. Because it was nonproductive. Because I wouldn't see a result. Because it was pain without pleasure. Because it wouldn't make me feel any better. Because.
I found my old weight bench. I found some weights. A bar. Dumb-bells. I found them and gathered them all together. That night was the greatest night of my life. I don't remember a night in six months where I felt happier. Getting somewhere without going. Producing without results. Excruciating will power to continue with no real motivation.
I was up until 6am when I fell asleep. It was 9am when I awoke. It was 10:30pm I went back asleep. All night I slept. For the first time in almost a full six months, I slept during the night. The whole night. Right now I'm tired. Exhausted. But I'm sleeping at night. It feels refreshing for what reason I do not know.
Sorry for wasting your time.
User Reviews
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-03-18 21:59:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-06-18 12:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good post. I can't imagine what that would be like. I have never pulled an all-nighter where copious amounts of alcohol were not involved.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-06-18 12:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a time and place for all nighters and it's called "college".
good post
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-06-18 11:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good writing! Too many short sentences makes reading feel like your learning how to drive a manual for the first time.
Maybe that was your intention in order to illustrate the insanity of <insert sleeping disorder here>. Good stuff, my friend.
Murphy
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-06-18 11:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, wait. Back up. Let me start earlier.
For six months...I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't sleep...I couldn't sleep...I couldn't sleep...
With insomnia, nothing's real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy, of a copy, of a copy."
Submitted by rabbidmonkey (user info) at 2003-06-17 22:12:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds like an adventure.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-06-17 21:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
got meth?
Submitted by Cymensen (user info) at 2003-06-17 21:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds beast. I wanna try sometime.
Submitted by HeavensWalls (user info) at 2003-06-17 21:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HeavensWalls (user info) at 2003-06-17 21:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 at 2003-06-17 21:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoops, I forgot to rate this.
Submitted by hidden101 at 2003-06-17 21:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah!