Two Lives (Part 1) (500 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LovelyLady (View user info) at 2006-07-11 09:55:39 EDT
She's married with a beautiful child. She has her whole life planned out. Each year with a specific goal. She is a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother. She gets up each morning and does the same routine. Tending house and taking care of the baby. She thinks she is happy living this life. She rarely remembers the wild life she used to live.
Then the day comes when she gets a phone call. It was him. The one man that can send chills down her spine with the sound of his voice. Everything about him is sexual. It seeps out of his pores. He breathes sexuality. He smells of it. It's even in his deep blue eyes.
They speak for a few days and he tells her he's coming to town. She gets butterflies. She tells him she will see him. She begins to think about it and the impact it could have on her new life. She decides when he comes to town she will blow him off to spare old feelings that could arise.
He's here. He calls and pesters her to meet him. She avoids it. Days go by. She gives in.
She is sitting at the bar, having a cocktail to soothe her nerves. Sweaty palms, racing heart, body tingling from head to toe waiting for him. He arrives. As the night passes she wouldn't stare at him eye to eye. There was too much past in those eyes, too many old memories, old feelings, you know the exact feelings that she didn't want to have. Everytime they spoke, her eyes fell to the floor as she listened to that voice that made her want to just disapear with him. That voice, that confidence....so sexy.
He finally talked her into looking into his baby blues. She felt as though she began to melt, slowly her body began to feel jittery, it was an unexplainable feeling. She wanted to go away with him right then. Go somewhere and make love for hours upon hours. But wait, she has a loving family, she can't just do that. There are people that count on her.
What does she do, go back to the normal life that she thinks makes her happy, or to this new yet old life when she knew she was happy?
Please don't butcher me...it was my first time. Constructive criticism welcome!!
User Reviews
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-07-14 18:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:23:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
Whatever you were attempting to do, I wasn't able to pay attention to it because...wait.
Because. The. Periods. Kept. Stopping. My. Train. Of. Thought.
Read this. Tell me. Doesn't it break up. The flow?
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It's called rap, mate
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-14 16:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LovelyLady (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:30:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
I meant to be choppy as far as short sentences go, next time I will write longer more drawn out sentences if that's what everyone likes. And I will put more space between the paragrapghs. Thank you for your honesty.
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Everybody likes good writing, with proper grammar and formatting.
Just do that, and you'll be fine.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-14 14:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
needs work but not at all bad..
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-07-11 11:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me smile. A lot.
Submitted by LovelyLady (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought about that as I was writing, but I couldn't come up with a name to give them. This was my first time and I wrote rather quickly. If Part 2 gets written, more time and thought will be put into it.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
it's not a matter of what every one likes. you can use short choppy sentences and the story can still flow, you just didn't pull that off. maybe it's because most of the lines started with she did this.
i do that too, but not near as much as you. pick different starting words if you're going to use short sentences. repetition of the same word makes things drag out.
Submitted by LovelyLady (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I meant to be choppy as far as short sentences go, next time I will write longer more drawn out sentences if that's what everyone likes. And I will put more space between the paragrapghs. Thank you for your honesty.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Whatever you were attempting to do, I wasn't able to pay attention to it because...wait.
Because. The. Periods. Kept. Stopping. My. Train. Of. Thought.
Read this. Tell me. Doesn't it break up. The flow?
And using paragraphs not only allows the reader to easily note beginnings and ends of thoughts, it also makes it more readable. There were points where I went "Wait. Did I miss a line down?"
And you may think I'm being harsh with my -2, but I am explaining what bothered me about it. Keep trying and I'll keep reading.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-07-11 10:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm no great writer but this story is too choppy.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-11 09:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
separate
paragraphs
from
eachother
so
we
won't
want
to
butcher
you.