Who shat in your toilet? I can tell you. (1085 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2006-07-11 18:36:49 EDT
Los Angeles. City of angels. The Devil wears Prada. That makes him a homosexual. Gay people occasionally take dumps. When a dump has been taken in your toilet, I'm the man you call. I'm Tinactin, shit detective.
Tuesday, 7:29 pm. I began to finish the paperwork on file # 2139, The Case of the Runs. It was Columbus Day, and I wanted to get home to my wife. The phone rang.
"If this is a plumbing problem, call Roto-rooter."
"Hello? No, this is not a plumbing situation. You see-"
"Madam, I do not discuss fecal matters on the phone. Please come down to my office."
I was in no mood to wait, but her voice somehow seemed eerily familiar. I thought about where I might have heard it before, and after a fashion, everything clicked: her voice was exactly like that of the mother from Family Ties. To kill some time in the few moments before her arrival, I reflected upon the tragic history of the Jewish people.
From the moment Mrs. Rex walked through the door, I could tell she was trouble of the most popamatic variety. All googly-titted, with hips that swayed like Electro reaching for ham hocks on a lifeboat. But her legs took the cake. They were the best fucking pair of legs I had ever seen.
"Those are the best fucking pair of legs I have ever seen."
"I am a married woman, Mr. Actin."
I heard what she said, but all I could think about is how much I wanted those to be the legs I would have to push out of my way en route to a vagina.
"Sure, sure. Now why don't you sit down, and tell me all about that shit?"
"Well, it's like this. I was in my restroom the other day when I stumbled upon a crime scene. At first, I thought it was my husband, but then I noticed a large quantity of corn sprinkled liberally throughout. Clearly, this was not the work of Ann Coulter."
"Corn is not digested as well as other foods. You have to expect a certain-"
"My husband is allergic to corn."
"OH MY FUCKING GOD. You have to show me that toilet first thing in the morning."
My first intuition seemed ludicrous. But could it be? My old arch nemesis, prescription-strength Lamisil, always maintained a lot of corn in his stool. It was his calling card. But I captured him, and he should be currently serving consecutive life sentences. Besides, he was jailed over sixty years ago. Shouldn't he be dead by now?
Wednesday, 8:16 am. She was right to call me. Someone had left quite a load.
"Has any of this been moved, Mrs. Rex?"
"Well, obviously. It has all been moved."
"No, I meant from another location. A second toilet perhaps?"
"Of course not. I am a respectable woman, sir."
"Then why, with a dump this large, do we have a complete absence of toilet paper?"
"Oh, that. It was strange. I found multiple squares of it in the wastebasket. Obviously, it was prudent to empty the trash immediately."
"It was not strange at all, Mrs. Rex. Third world areas such as the Sudan, El Salvador, Norway, Quebec, and Utah have poor plumbing systems. Flushing down toilet paper leads to clogged pipes. Thusly, they learn to throw their toilet paper in the trash. It becomes habitual, and often they continue to place it in the trash even after they migrate to awesome countries like America."
"That's very fascinating. But I still need to know who took this thing. I see blood in the bowl. Can't we just take a test?"
"Unfortunately, that blood is completely contaminated by now. Tainted blood, sometimes I feel I've got to...get a transfusion."
"I don't pay you for jokes, Tinactin. And that was about as funny as watching Carrot Top fuck Carlos Mencia. Might this be a woman? Could Mr. Rex be having an affair?"
"I wouldn't worry about it. Actually, this is the work of a male Latino in his mid-30s. I could explain how I know, but this post is already too fucking long and stupid."
I thought I knew it all. A hotshot shit detective, flying high. But I was wrong. It turned out that Mr. Rex was indeed having an affair. His girlfriend simply flushed the toilet after each use. When Mrs. Rex discovered the horrific truth, she put her head in an oven. Then she pulled it out. Her quiche was not quite finished baking. Another case closed.
User Reviews
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-08-27 21:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to know who your muse is. Or what, perhaps.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-07-12 12:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-07-12 11:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-07-12 09:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-07-11 22:56:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
The very last paragraph sealed the +2.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-07-12 08:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You're fucking bat-shit crazy
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-07-12 08:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-12 05:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was surprised there wasn't mention of vindaloo and 'that's shit hot' gags.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-12 05:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanted to -2 this. Really I did. It was just too good to -2. Damn you and your good writing.
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-07-12 02:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyDoubleEntendre (user info) at 2006-07-12 00:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-07-11 22:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The very last paragraph sealed the +2.
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-11 22:16:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-11 21:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-11 21:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-11 20:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber is probably your best audience for poop stories.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-11 20:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tinactin strikes again.
this:
"Has any of this been moved, Mrs. Rex?"
"Well, obviously. It has all been moved."
fucking killed me.
I think I know the inner working of your mind, and that scares me.
Email me:
average.dan.at.gmail.com
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-07-11 19:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-07-11 18:44:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
Just in a stupid mood
-------------------------------------------------
Me too. Lets toast to stupid moods.
<raises glass>
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-07-11 18:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for "Madam, I do not discuss fecal matters on the phone"
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-07-11 18:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just in a stupid mood.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-07-11 18:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the Carrot Top/Mencia rip, though.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-07-11 18:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-07-11 18:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That exceptionally lame Ann Coulter joke was actually a play on an exceptionally lame Ann Coulter joke in a previous post.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-07-11 18:40:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, this was funny, and I'm gonna plus 2 it, DESPITE the EXCEPTIONALLY LAME Ann Coulter joke.
You're very welcome.