One of these days (527 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.75 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2006-07-13 06:18:37 EDT
Have you ever had one of those great days?
A day like no other?
A day where everything you touch or interact with comes out smelling roses. I have a problem with my nose and all flowers smell like cat piss but hopefully you understand the analogy.
A marvellous day where you wake up feeling refreshed. You turn over in bed and find your partner lying there smiling at you. Without speaking a word you find yourself in a warm embrace having a loving kiss.
Your day starts with a bang.
You shower and then you shave without cutting yourself once. There is no razor burn from the three-week-old razor that you use.
You leave the house and begin your drive to work on roads that seem to clear the path for you. The radio station plays all those great hits from your youth that you like, but wouldn't want to admit too.
You arrive at work and slip into your parking space with all the ease of a hot knife through butter.
Work starts with a call from the MD asking for a meeting in his office. You start to worry. What have I done? No wonder the day started so well it was leading me up to shit.
But no.
You step into the MDs office and every question he asks you have an answer that shows how highly polished your bollocks are.
You get the promotion and the raise you have been after.
The working day flies by and you soon find yourself in your car singing along to your favourite old tunes again on your way to start the weekend.
You walk into you house to find family and friends there for a surprise party to mark your promotion.
After an evening of unrivalled frivolity you throw yourself into bed with your partner and you finish the day as it began.
---
Your eyes fly open and you realise the sound of your alarm is screaming through the room.
You turn over and see the unmoving lump of your nearest and dearest. A growl emits from the lump saying in no uncertain terms "turn that fucking alarm off asshole."
You smack the alarm and run to the bathroom.
You jump in the shower to find that the shower gel is empty. Just as you have put the shampoo on your hair there is a growl and creak from the walls just before the shower stops.
You swear blue murder, you open your eyes slightly and they immediately start to burn. You hit the shower controls but to no avail. You eventually have to turn on the tap in the bath. You end up on your knees straining your neck to get it under the tap just to rinse off the soap.
As you try to get up you bash the back of your head on the tap.
As you shave you cut yourself three times. The razor burn from the three week old blade is sore, damn you for being a cheap bastard. You have run out of moisturising aftershave.
You go back into the room to find one of the hounds of hell sitting up in the bed glaring at you. "Next time fucking turn the alarm off dick, don't just slap snooze."
You run to the car and it doesn't start until the tenth try, damn you for being a cheap bastard.
The traffic is horrendous. The whole world and its dog have decided to get in their cars and drive in the same direction as you. There is an accident on your side of the road; the only bonus is that you aren't actually involved in it.
The radio is playing up and all it will play is your partners' favourite ABBA tape that has been stuck in it for two weeks. There is no way of turning it off and the radio is fucked and only stops when you turn off the car, damn you for being a cheap bastard.
You arrive at work to find that some asshat driving a brand new car has parked in your spot. There are no other spaces so you go to find a car park.
When you eventually sit at your desk the MD calls you into his office. You feel physically sick; as you know you haven't done any work for the last two weeks and you are already on your last warning.
The meeting goes as well as you expected with the MD and you find yourself at your desk being supervised as you put personal stuff into a cardboard box, by the bastard who drives the new car in your old space.
You find your car with a ticket on it as you parked in a disabled zone, and you aren't actually a card carrying disabled person yet.
You drive home listening to the same shitty tape. You pull over and get the crow bar out of the boot and smack ten shades of shite out of the radio.
Your car refuses to restart no matter how much you try.
You call your recovery people only to discover your policy lapsed two months ago. You give over you credit card details on the phone and they promise to be with you as soon as possible.
Two hours later they arrive and inform you that they will have to take the car in to look at it. They drop you off at the bus stop on their way back to the yard.
After another hour you get home.
You hear your partner moaning upstairs. You realise what that type of moaning means and also that you haven't heard it for about two years.
You walk to the outhouse that you call your study; you also share it with the washing machine and dryer. You open the locked draw in the desk.
You place the muzzle of your grandfathers' old service pistol in your mouth and pull the trigger.
This is the first thing that has gone your way all day.
---
This time you don't wake up.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-01-26 14:44:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice.
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-26 14:27:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot to shoot that cheating bitch first.
"You place the muzzle of your grandfathers' old service pistol in your mouth and pull the trigger. "
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-07-13 14:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know the feeling of those of these types of days.
Submitted by GDR (user info) at 2006-07-13 14:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
One of these days.... I won't come back to work
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-13 10:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really enjoyed readng that..
pf2
Submitted by Chazzy (user info) at 2006-07-13 09:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-07-13 07:33:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. Really enjoyed reading it.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-07-13 07:09:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-07-13 06:51:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is Uber so slow in the miornings...........I know there are enough Brits to keep it ticking iver. O would post, but I'm prwactising hypocracy.
--
I know what you mean. Do you think people are actually working?
No that can't be it.
Maybe we just have more lurkers over here?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-07-13 06:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll take the first one every time.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-07-13 06:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is Uber so slow in the miornings...........I know there are enough Brits to keep it ticking iver. O would post, but I'm prwactising hypocracy.