First Paragraphs to Stories I'm Too Lazy to Finish (823 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spencer Thompson (View user info) at 2006-07-13 14:18:09 EDT
I liked writing stories for my "The Story of..." series ( http://www.ubersite.com/u/Spooner/l/storyof... ) but the way I wrote them I just kinda wrote an opening paragraph that seemed funny enough, then went on from there. Eventually, I kinda stopped being able to write anything past the first paragraph, so I figure I'll just let you guys read those and figure out what might have happened from there.
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John Smith was the kind of guy who would drive his car off a cliff just for the thrill. That's how he died. Also the car landed on a baby. He was an average man with an average name and an average amount of other average things. He was quite extraordinary. John, apart from being average, was exceptionally adept at looking like a pompous dick. "You know what John, nobody uses the word 'lexicon' in everyday conversation except for pompous dicks," his coworkers would accuse. "Hey, if you don't know what it means..." John would defend himself, but everybody knew what it meant, they just never used it because they weren't pompous dicks.
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There wasn't a can of Dr. Pepper in the world that Terry wouldn't drink for fifty cents. Except for the cans in the machines that cost 55 cents. You wonder why they make it 55 cents when you would think that the lost sales from people who have two quarters but don't happen to have an extra nickel on them - because seriously who carries around nickels - would take away from the extra profit that added nickel would provide. He didn't drink those on principle.
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Jeff despised silt. "Fucking silt," he'd mutter, staring at the river. The silt was invading his community and ruining the economy. Some days it became too much and Jeff would drive down to the Chesapeake Bay and release his tension. "You keep depositing your minerally asses in our bay, and now our fucking boats can't get in here! You know what they have on those boats? Imports! We need those imports, dickhead, that's how our fucking economy works! But you wouldn't understand that you fucking silt. Yeah, hey, you know what? It's called No-Till, asshole, learn it."
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Greg didn't know it, but his wallet was fucking amazing. The boy who'd made it had one hand. One goddamn hand. Also a young girl was raped while she sewed the shirt Greg was wearing. Greg kept telling his friends how incredible it was the one time he chipped out from the bunker.
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Mr. Jefferies was a college professor studying irony. Nothing ironic ever happened to him, except for that.
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Mr. Jones didn't want to answer the class truthfully, but yes, half of the class discussion for Huckleberry Finn would in fact be on the topic of "why this book is not racist." The students were eager to discuss the symbolism of the river (because they're only high school students and understanding the symbolism of rivers was about as good as they can do) but the teacher really wanted to make sure everyone understood that this book was absolutely NOT racist, because then he might get a letter.
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SPOON and GREEN never thought they'd see JALA show his screenname at J.P. Edward's again, but there he was. JALA was out for revenge, and SPOON was out for some chocolate cake, until he noticed JALA was playing trivia, then he was out for revenge too. SPOON didn't know what he was avenging, but he figured he'd think of something later. He always thought of something. GREEN was wearing a cute kitty sweater like you'd see your grandmother wearing, except somehow she looked really sexy in it, maybe because of the crotchless pants. Regardless their clothing and motives, they knew it was on. It was on like Donkey Kong Country.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-07-14 18:52:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just found this in one of my 'fucking around at work' files.
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Sherlock Holmes and the Steam-Driven Phalli (Chapter XXV)
Beyond the rusted door at the bottom of the stairs Holmes found a tunnel opening onto a vast
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That's it. That's all.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-07-14 12:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
these didnt get finished for a reason. dont listen to these idiots cheering you on, your instincts were right.
im in the middle of my own unfinished paragraph right now. its the build-up to this really awesomely cool moment in a dream i had. the only thing wrong is this build-up bit has to be so pulpy and trite ans shit to fit with the awesome bit. sometimes shit just isnt fair.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-07-14 03:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should make it into some kind of competition. Ask for volunteers then randomly pick which first paragraph they get.
Then they have to go on and make a full post out of it. Just an Idea, I think I had to do something like that at primary school once.
Submitted by awj002 (user info) at 2006-07-13 23:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Italo Calvino's "If on a winter's night a traveler..." operates on this premise -- it's a whole novel full of first chapters . Really badass, Check it out.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-07-13 22:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a great idea for a post.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-13 21:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah. So?
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-07-13 21:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought about doing something like this, but yours is better
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-13 20:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, these were good and funny.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-13 18:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a clever little shit.
In a nice way.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-07-13 18:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
too lazy to review this... or am I?
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-07-13 17:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Greg rules. Post more Greg.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2006-07-13 16:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DaBaddestHic (user info) at 2006-07-13 15:00:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
The one on Greg made me laugh. I'm an awful person.
ditto that................
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-07-13 15:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why am i not surprised?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-07-13 15:15:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-07-13 15:11:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
anansie, whats going on in that uberwomens post? i'm at work :(
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Not really anything too entertaining.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-07-13 15:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
anansie, whats going on in that uberwomens post? i'm at work :(
Submitted by DaBaddestHic (user info) at 2006-07-13 15:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The one on Greg made me laugh. I'm an awful person.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-07-13 14:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-07-13 14:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr. Jones didn't want to answer the class truthfully, but yes, half of the class discussion for Huckleberry Finn would in fact be on the topic of "why this book is not racist." The students were eager to discuss the symbolism of the river (because they're only high school students and understanding the symbolism of rivers was about as good as they can do) but the teacher really wanted to make sure everyone understood that this book was absolutely NOT racist, because then he might get a letter.
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I'm sick of that debate myself.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-07-13 14:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FUCK DENMARK
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-07-13 14:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the irony one was good but i'm glad the rest never got finished.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-07-13 14:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can almost imagine it as a Hedberg-esque one-liner.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-07-13 14:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mr. Jefferies was a college professor studying irony. Nothing ironic ever happened to him, except for that."
That line is great. Does it even need a story?
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-07-13 14:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really, though. Who DOESN'T despise silt? These were pretty funny...