I Know Who You Are Dot Com (I Refuse To Put A Dead Hyperlink In My Title) NSFW Link Inside (1847 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.66 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2006-07-14 03:33:08 EDT
The first time I heard of Iknowwhoyouare.com, I was slinging rocks down on the docks. It was good for me, not just because of the convenient rhyme, (everyone needs clever marketing) but also because it set a fantastic scene for a dark, horror/thriller. I mean, what the hell else are you going to do with a title like this? A graphics post that has a pic of naked women with sparklers coming out of their asses?
(http://www.ubersite.com/m/90463)
The night was hot and wet, like a towel that hasn't finished the fluff cycle in the dryer, but you have to take it out anyways because if you wait any longer to take a shower, you're going to be late for work. I was sweating profusely, the beads of water cascading down my hairless head in rivulets of crystal. I had one last meeting before I called it a day. A gamer from the lower east-side, he was the only steady customer I had for 4 consecutive years. The rest of the pussies got checked into rehab, arrested, died, or voted for Bush. It was hard to keep a steady clientele in the crack business.
Thomas was already a half-hour late, which was uncharacteristic of him. He was usually very punctual. Then again, most of my other customers are already on the docks 6-7 hours before I am. They wait on me and try to look inconspicuous, despite the fact that there are a dozen crack-heads huddled together on a dock in the middle of the afternoon.
Now, I wouldn't normally be aggravated by Thomas' tardiness, but I was as worn out as a set of jumper cables at a black funeral, and it was time to call it a day. I thought about the fat, juicy steaks that my wife had picked up from the butcher's earlier, and the copy of "Sin City" that I had yet to finish the intro to. About the time I was going to call it a wash, I spot him. He was hard to miss.
Thomas, like so many other gamers, was pale, fat, and donned a completely out of fashion Hawaiian shirt, buttoned up to the collar. Even from a distance, his lack of sex-appeal was apparent.
"Sorry I was late A_D" Thomas regrettably informed me, "I just found this new website that I almost didn't make it out of. It was t3h terrible!!one".
I had heard stories of his adventures in Cyberspace, and none of them were exciting. He told tales of lemon parties, goatse, and girls in the tub. I had never been that into the intra-web, but I was intrigued, not only by his exclamation of, "making it out", but also at the fact that he said, "one" after his sentence for no reason whatsoever.
Thusly, I responded unto him, "It's cool Thomas, but if you ever make me wait again for you to show up, I'll be on you like a wart-hog on a corn cob. Now please, indulge me about this website you have spoken of".
He told me stories of horror, in which fellow gamers had mistakenly stumbled on to this website, never to be heard from again. Their last action on this world was to type a message to whoever was unfortunate enough to discover them in their tortured, greenish state, with dislocated, horribly disfigured facial expressions. The MS Wordpad document would simply read: iknowwhoyouare.com
Goosebumps seemed to form on every inch of my body when his tales of horror were through. I'm not sure if it was because of the stories, or because another crack-head had snuck up behind me and did the "Criss Cross Applesauce" trick*. In any case, three things happened at that point:
1.) I swiftly completed our transaction.
2.) I jumped in my car and hauled ass away from the docks.
3.) I realized that I could possibly be experiencing the worst stomach pains of my life and this could only be caused by the "Grande Nachos" I had consumed earlier in the day.
And not necessarily in that order.
The wife was gonna kill me. She had warned me after the last episode that either I would have to stop eating that meal at El Taco Loco Grande, or she was going to start applying butt-putty when I got home from work.
I was trying to make it home before she did so I could offer my sacrifice to the God's of Porcelain before she got wind of it. Pun intended indefinitely.
Looking at the time, I realized that she wouldn't have too many more clients to finish up with before the strip-club owner would let the Dobermans out on the few unfortunate drunks who refused to leave the bar at last call. I stomped on the gas and the old G-Body Monte Carlo screamed in defiance, but caused the wheels to temporarily break free from the road before regaining traction and throwing me back against my seat. She was a great car.
The elevator door to my warehouse apartment opened, and I made a B-line for the bathroom toilet. I barely had time to glance at the old brick walls, the neon blinking of the bar across the street, and the absolute perfect setting for the perfect horror scene to be shot. When I reached the bathroom, I simultaneously ripped down my pants, and stuck my arse in the bowl. I hated to stick my whole ass in there, but I had left the toilet seat up and there was really no time. Maybe I should listen to my wife?
I cleaned myself up and did what I always did right after a huge dump. I got on the internet.
I recalled the lamers tale, and logged on to Iknowwhoyouare.com and was immediately greeted by a chat bot.
INOWHOUR: Hello Average_Dan, it's great that you finally decided to join us tonight.
A_D: How in the hell did you know my name, and more importantly, how did I create this user name that I can talk to you with so that we can keep track of our strangely eerie conversation?
INOWHOUR: lolololololol, you have many questions, why don't we start with the most obvious?
A_D: Are you "The Architect" from The Marix?
INOWHOUR: LMAO, no, I just really like that line. I think Helmut Bakaitis did an amazing job acting. What did you think?
A_D: I thought he was terrible.
INOWHOUR: hahahhaha, UR FUNNY
A_D: Let's get to the point here buddy, the post is getting long, and the scariest thing that has happened thus far is the dump I took before I logged onto this fictional website.
INOWHOUR: Good call A_D. Like I said, it's nice of you to finally join us. We have been waiting for you for too long. We've been waiting and building a reputation amongst gamers to lure you in here for the sole purpose of this post. We know all about you
I was skeptical, so I asked them something about me that no one could have known.
A_D: Ok, since you know soooo much about me, what did I have for lunch earlier?
INOWHOUR: *Sniff* Bell Peppers, *Sniff* Onions, black olives, sour cream, and....you had the nachos at El Taco Loco Grande!
A_D: Holy shit, how could you possibly know that?
INOWHOUR: Because I'm standing right behind you.
I turned around quickly to my right.
I see nothing.
A_D: You're full of shit, I don't see anything.
INOWHOUR: No, the other way.
I turned around quickly to my left.
Once again, nothing.
A_D: Look, quit bullshitting, there's no one here.
INOWHOUR: Hang on. BRB.
I sat for about 5 minutes, wondering about how much more nonsense could possibly fint into one post when another message appears.
INOWHOUR: K, back. Try now.
I turned around, and a creature from my worst nightmares was there before me. The smell of rotting flesh filled my nose, and I felt my heart thankfully stop. Death would be an easy escape to this dark menace before me. My face drained of color and I drew my last breath when I heard maniacal laughter.
AAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!
Thomas ripped the mask off and revealed himself to me.
As the shock wore off, and my breathing and heart rate returned to normal, I asked Thomas why he would go through all this trouble for this ridiculous gag, he replied with just one word.
"pWnZ0rDD!!one"
*for those of you have never done the criss cross applesauce game it goes something like this. I realize there are variations, but this is how we did it here.
"Criss Cross"
As you say this, you draw an "X" on the back of the person with your fingertip
"Applesauce"
As you say this, you lightly batter their back with your fists. Then you blow on their neck and say,
"Cool Breeze"
Then you pinch the whole backside of the nest, somewhat like a massage whilst saying,
"Tight Squeeze"
"Now you got the chills"
And you do, indeed have the chills. This technique has never failed in it's nearly 1700 years of existence.
User Reviews
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-07-31 01:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wooooooo dan. IO nexd to talk to you some time. Not emideiately, but some time, call me or something tomorow Man, I'm tnired
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-07-27 10:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90297#2077290
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-26 12:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't decide.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-26 12:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
did you just call me a dick?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-24 14:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BADASS
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-22 18:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-21 16:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Please don't forfeit
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-21 06:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:(
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-20 20:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't hate me, Dan.
I mean, cmon now.
You love me.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-20 20:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The night was hot and wet, like a towel that hasn't finished the fluff cycle in the dryer, but you have to take it out anyways because if you wait any longer to take a shower, you're going to be late for work
============
\
Okay now I read it.
Clever fucker.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-20 20:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
as long as you post before the deadline. I know I won't be posting myself til around 4 pm SUT tomorrow.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-19 02:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for dickhead
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-07-19 00:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-19 00:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this but you get a +2 because I have a soft spot for guys from va..and the beack..and virginia beach, etc who call me a cunt.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-16 20:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90543#2061879
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-07-16 18:00:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t!
Say there, Danny Boy... it's been a while since we had some merlot and listened to soft music.
...if memory serves, the music is usually the only thing soft, eh?
*pants get tight*
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-07-15 03:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK. YOUR. TITS.
Fuck your tits.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-14 19:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny..no time for comment..time for drinky drinky..more on this later and such..
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-14 19:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know I wrote this after you hung up on me last night, right Crystle?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-07-14 19:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe.... It worked!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-14 14:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad someone knew about that trick besides me.
It really, never fails.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-07-14 13:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Criss Cross Applesauce is fucking hilarious
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-14 11:44:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did that little breaking an egg on someone's head trick just leap into my brain?
In other news, my Jeep is off right now getting a 90,000 mile tune-up. I can't WAIT to find out the final damage on this one AND they guy laughed like I was joking when I asked if this service came with a free detail and wax job so I don't think that's going to happen.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-14 11:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I always thought of B-line like a subway train. No turns, you just head straight for something.
I don't know why id wouldn't be an A line though, but such is life.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-07-14 10:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Asshole.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-14 10:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck this, I'm not reading all that.
Good Luck
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-07-14 10:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wondered about the B-line. What is a B-line? Where does that phrase come from? I've always imagined it to be "bee line". I might have been wrong.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2006-07-14 06:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So during which part of that "Criss Cross Applesauce" trick do you suck me off?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-14 05:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never heard of kriss cross apple sauce..
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-14 04:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh, I was at a loss.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-07-14 04:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoops, that was meant to be a 1. Averaging out...
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-07-14 04:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dearie me.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-14 03:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
D-Prime Madness: http://www.ubersite.com/m/90206