Law and Order: Lost and Found Division (537 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.83 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2006-07-18 15:32:23 EDT
*DUM DUM*
Jerry Nowitz, 38, overweight and just beginning to bald, walked down the street to get a cup of coffee from the local Starbucks. His nerves sensing the impending rush of caffeine, every hair on Jerry's head stood on its respective end, straining their already loose hold on the scalp.
As he waited in line at the Starbucks, Jerry spied one of his good friends, Mike Dibby.
"Hey Mike," Jerry said, making a polite wave. Mike noticed Jerry and waved back hurriedly, answering his ringing cell phone and then dashing out the door.
"One tall mocha with cream," Jerry said to the young Starbucks attendant.
After walking back home and trotting up the steps to his apartment, Jerry fished around in his pocket for his keys. Not there.
"Damn it," Jerry said, changing directions to his neighbor's domicile, which held Jerry's spare set of keys.
With spares in hand, Jerry unlocked his quarters and stepped inside to look for the keys. No sign.
To nobody in particular, Jerry said, "Well this is just great," and throws up his arms in defeat, folding them neatly across his bosom in order to show contempt. Jerry decided the best thing he could do at this point was to file a police report and if anybody came forward with the keys then maybe he could get them back. Just maybe.
"Hello," Jerry said as he called the NYPD. "I'd like to report a set of missing keys."
The silence on the other end was audible.
"Excuse me, sir," said the feminine voice on the other line. "I'm going to have to ask you to repeat what you just said."
"Uh, I think I lost my keys. If they turn up, I just want..."
"I'm going to have to transfer you, sir. Only my supervisor can handle calls of this magnitude."
After being shuffled around for hours, Jerry finally came in contact with the man he needed.
"Vince Cortho here, what do you want?"
"Mr. Clortho," Jerry started, "my name is Jerry Nowitz and I think I may have lost my keys."
The telephone was silent for seconds, but Jerry thought he could hear crying in the background. "Well dammit," Mr. Clortho choked back the tears, "why didn't you say so in the first place? Get down here to the pricinct right away. I think I may have some very disturbing news for you, sir."
*DUM DUM*
NYPD PRICINCT 92 - Badass Battalion - Squad: Fierce
Sitting in an interrogation room, Jerry Nowitz was sweating from the hours of questions. Jerry almost didn't care about the keys anymore, delirious with the smell of danger. He was giving answers left and right to Mr. Clortho, who was still sharp as a tack.
"Tell me again, Mr. Nowitz, you're sure that you went only to Starbucks?" Looking confused, Jerry responded in the affirmative. Mr. Clortho slammed the desk with his hand, spun around and stroked his chin. "It just doesn't make any sense!"
"Exactly what doesn't make sense," Jerry started to get on the offensive. "I lost my keys somewhere. They're not here. They're not there. They're somewhere. And if someone happens to turn the keys in, then just let me know." Jerry stood up and made to leave. "You have my number and address, right?"
Mr. Clortho calmly set his hand on Jerry's shoulder and looked into his eyes. Mr. Clortho's expression then turned violent and the friendly hand turned into a powerful force that sent Jerry back down into his chair.
"This is exactly what they want," Mr. Clortho said. "Don't you get it, kid? They want you to forget. They want you to not care anymore. And forget you will, Mr. Nowitz." Mr. Clortho put his head under the light, getting right next to Jerry's face. Mr. Clortho spit when he talked.
"And then 10, 20 years on down the line, BAM, someone gets into your house with no forced entry and all of your children are dead. Would you like that to happen to your children, sir?"
Jerry considered it. But then realized there was a far simpler solution.
"I think I'll just change my locks," Jerry said.
"Oh, okay," Mr. Clortho said, "well we'll give you a call if we find anything."
"Thanks," Jerry said as he stood up and left the interrogation room, shaking Mr. Clortho's hand on the way out.
*DUM DUM*
As Jerry returned home with his spare set of keys ready, something inside was wrong. The door was slightly open and some of the lights were on, where Jerry had distinctly remembered turning them off.
Jerry checked his cell phone, thinking he should call the police. Instead, Jerry pulled out the 9mm he always hides in his trousers.
With the weight of the gun giving him confidence, Jerry moved into his apartment. He cleared each of the rooms, just like he had seen the police do on television. As he came to the last room, his master bedroom, a figure leaped out of the shadows and tackled Jerry.
Jerry wrestled with the unknown assailant through the hallway, kitchen and eventually into the living room. That's when he realized who he was trying to kill. Or vice versa.
"Mike! What the hell are you doing in my apartment?" Jerry's shock overtook him and forgot about the gun still in his hand.
"I stole your keys, you son of a bitch," Mike said, glaring at him with lowered jaw and jagged teeth. "And then I killed your children!"
"Nooooooooooooooooo!" Jerry screamed, sending a shock through him that reminded him of the gun. Immediately, Jerry swung the pistol up to meet Mike's nostril. All Mike could do was stare at death.
Death stared back, personified by Jerry, who began to speak. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
Jerry fired into his friend's face, over and over again until he ran out of bullets.
Jerry let the gun drop out of his hand and sat down on his couch to watch Jeopardy.
"Wait a minute," Jerry said quite matter-of-factly, "I don't even have kids."
User Reviews
Submitted by Phyllis (user info) at 2006-07-19 19:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-07-19 02:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
been done before. i didnt actually read all of it, though. i just know i like the law and order: elevator inspectors more.
Submitted by JSultan (user info) at 2006-07-19 02:03:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-07-18 21:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-07-18 19:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any new Nerfherder post is ok by me
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-07-18 18:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was expecting this to be hilarious, as is it was OK
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-07-18 17:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-07-18 16:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Co Nomment
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-07-18 16:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-18 15:56:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
doink doink.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-18 15:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
doink doink.
didn't you see the commercial?
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-07-18 15:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-18 15:35:28 (#)
Ranking: 0
ah...the L&O sound is
DUN DUNN
--------------
I think it sounds like "DONK DONK"
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-18 15:35:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ah...the L&O sound is
DUN DUNN