A tawdry and grubby story to make you feel all warm and smug inside (950 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: sex
Rating: 1.08 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ais (View user info) at 2006-07-19 03:32:07 EDT
I was fifteen or maybe sixteen, working as a silver service waitress in a four star hotel, and studying for my GCSEs. It was a Wednesday night, and the restaurant was relatively quite. I served a couple of old guys, and their wives, a newly wed couple, and one guy who sat on his own.
He looked like a mobile sales phone person, and ate salmon mouse with the wrong fork. His polyester suit was too big and loose in at the wrong places, making him look like an old man in a child's body; uncomfortable and lost, unfamiliar amongst the pretensions of success. I felt a little tendril of pity creep up, and quickly crushed it.
Eleven fifteen my shift ended, as the lonely guy moved to the bar for coffee. I wanted a Pepsi before I went home for the night, so I slipped in there after him. The wall paper was red, embossed with paisley swirls. I always hated it.
He bought me a drink while I rubbed my aching feet. Three and a half inch heels are not good waitress shoes. We sat and talked - me about my exams, him about his ex-wife. I pretended to listen, while I picked at my clear white nail varnish.
He lent over and kissed me. I kissed him back, the sad old man, with pity not passion. We wandered up stairs, into his room, and I took my hair out of its pins while he locked the door.
He bent me over the bed, kneeling on the slightly threadbare carpet and flicked up my skirt, while I thought about the things I'd buy tomorrow with the tips I'd made that night. The Oska coat I wanted, but shouldn't really buy. Waitressing really doesn't tip that well. He pulled down my pants and fucked me, while I examined the wall paper on the other side of the room. A big, grey, dirty mark by the window. How classy. How can this be worth four stars?
It was all over in two minutes, and the guy was happy. The smile on his face told me there was nothing ex about his wife. I put my shoes back on, and called a cab.
At home I drank to forget the dirty mark by the window.
Before the bombardment of -2die slut reviews - think about what I've written and how it's been written. You might actually pick up where this was going, and the underlying message. Though I doubt it. Constructive criticism would be appreciated.
User Reviews
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-01-03 20:00:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At home I drank to forget the dirty mark by the window. - Perfect
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-26 13:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This wasn't bad, although I dont know what hidden meaninds there are...
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-26 08:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-07-26 08:12:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're all right kid
____________
*blushes* Thanks. You're not so bad yourself.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-07-26 08:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're all right kid
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-20 13:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-07-20 11:50:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Glad to see you're still here.
There's nothing wrong with the piece itself, except the character had both a skirt and pants on (unless pants refers to underwear, of course). However, the disclaimer at the end is too confrontational. Don't condescend to your readers by assuming they won't "get it"; you'll only alienate them and discourage objective feedback. Just write your pieces and let the comments come.
Personally, I would've liked to seen more descriptive prose. Not necessarily about the sex (although Uber will eat that shit up), but more environmental description. If you're going to write from the first person, you want your reader to relate to you and feel like they're a part of the scene itself. As is, this was worth reading.
Oh yeah...
-2die slut
____________
*grins* I'm fairly difficult to get rid of. It was just that my last piece, all be it shit, was misunderstood. I was aiming for satire, but taken seriously, hence the disclaimer. Although, to be fair, that was the fault of my writing rather than you guys' sense of humour.
Pants always means underwear as far as I'm concerned. Leg wear is trousers or jeans. The lack of description was intended to suggest a mental detachment from the events, and reflect a simplicity of purpose.
Thanks for the advice though :)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-07-20 11:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Glad to see you're still here.
There's nothing wrong with the piece itself, except the character had both a skirt and pants on (unless pants refers to underwear, of course). However, the disclaimer at the end is too confrontational. Don't condescend to your readers by assuming they won't "get it"; you'll only alienate them and discourage objective feedback. Just write your pieces and let the comments come.
Personally, I would've liked to seen more descriptive prose. Not necessarily about the sex (although Uber will eat that shit up), but more environmental description. If you're going to write from the first person, you want your reader to relate to you and feel like they're a part of the scene itself. As is, this was worth reading.
Oh yeah...
-2die slut
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 21:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2006-07-19 21:47:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
I would respond with something constructive, but Apathy has me
in
its
clutches
_____________
That's ok. I can relate, having lost the will to live around 11.30 this evening.
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2006-07-19 21:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would respond with something constructive, but Apathy has me
in
its
clutches
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-19 17:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-19 13:31:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
this was going to be a +2 before the disclaimer at the end. that just wrecked any emotion at all this brought forth.
constructive criticism - don't do that. leave that for a response to a review.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 15:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Go look for the porn. It's the closest you'll ever get.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-19 14:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd like this more perhaps, if I could find out personally how good of a fuck you are.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-19 13:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this was going to be a +2 before the disclaimer at the end. that just wrecked any emotion at all this brought forth.
constructive criticism - don't do that. leave that for a response to a review.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 13:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-07-19 13:10:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the length, I don't think it should be longer
A little disheartening thoough
What is your paper on Tess supposed to be about?
------
DH Lawrence's comment that either you're good and happy, or bad and die miserable in Hardy's novels. I wish I could finish it. If it's not done by tomorrow I have to resit my year :(
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-07-19 13:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-07-19 08:05:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this.
It was detatched, in the right way.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-07-19 13:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the length, I don't think it should be longer
A little disheartening thoough
What is your paper on Tess supposed to be about?
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-07-19 12:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 11:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 09:04:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dyslexia is just a bad excuse for laziness and a slobbish demeanour.
Dyspraxia, though, is a very real and serious medical condition.
_____________________
Uh... I love not being able to read aloud with out saying the wrong words, and getting things in the wrong places. That's why I'm so lazy. What can I say? I love humiliating myself every time I get asked to read in class. :)
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 09:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-07-19 08:53:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Dyslexia is a terrible affliction. My current employer suffers from it. Getting him to type URL's over the phone is a nightmare.
Thanks for clarifying paradigm, though.
________
I'm lucky. It's only mild, and I've had help to cope. Still can't read aloud, but in my head I'm faster than most non-dyslexics. My dad and older sis are both chronicly dyslexic, which sucks for them because they both love to read nearly as much as me.
No probs on clarification. How did you get into linguistic theory?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 09:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dyslexia is just a bad excuse for laziness and a slobbish demeanour.
Dyspraxia, though, is a very real and serious medical condition.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-07-19 08:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dyslexia is a terrible affliction. My current employer suffers from it. Getting him to type URL's over the phone is a nightmare.
Thanks for clarifying paradigm, though.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-19 08:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 07:09:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I'm not commenting on yesterday's piece of arse (which, in fairness, deserved to be shat on from a great height), rather on what I've noticed over the years I've read ubersite...
~~~~~~
I diagree - even people who a totally hated sometimes write something which is clear they've made an effort and they've only had good comments.
You give quality posts and you get the credit it deserves.
Just not many people who write quality posts.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 08:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-07-19 08:05:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this.
It was detatched, in the right way.
Only criticism is that it could have done without the last line, but that is very minor.
_________
Thanks. What didn't you like about the last line?
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-07-19 08:05:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this.
It was detatched, in the right way.
Only criticism is that it could have done without the last line, but that is very minor.
-Dave
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 07:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-07-19 07:42:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
Our interests are quite closely linked: You find the way interpretation of language gives insight to the thoughts of others interesting; I approach from the opposite angle, and am interested in the way language developed to express thought. I can't find any definition of the word "paradiem", though.
I liked this story.
_________
Glad you liked it.
Essentially, I've spelt "paradiem" wrong. One of the problems of dyslexia - and the reason I love spell checkers. Try looking for "paradigm". Sorry.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-07-19 07:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:45:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:41:29 (#)
Ranking: 1
As in the way language works and evolves?
___________________
And the ways in which we derive meaning, the consistancy of meaning, the necessity of paradiems and what they mean in terms of how we interpret language.. It covers alot of different areas, and it's beautiful, because it explains how people think.
-------------------
Our interests are quite closely linked: You find the way interpretation of language gives insight to the thoughts of others interesting; I approach from the opposite angle, and am interested in the way language developed to express thought. I can't find any definition of the word "paradiem", though.
I liked this story.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-19 07:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading........................
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 07:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 07:15:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
Enough with the 'dot dot dot' already. Jesus God.
__________________
Sorry. I know I over use ellipsis - my creative writing lecturer is always on my arse about it. I try and limit myself to one a day, but sometimes they sneak in with out me noticing.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 07:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Enough with the 'dot dot dot' already. Jesus God.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 07:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:54:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:01:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Really, I'm to lazy to raise the possible ire of anyone here, and have my posts shit on because someone disagrees with my morality, rather than the quality of my writing.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Not entirely true. You didn't get this post shit on because you made an effort to write something interesting.
__________
Oh, I'm not commenting on yesterday's piece of arse (which, in fairness, deserved to be shat on from a great height), rather on what I've noticed over the years I've read ubersite...
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:01:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Really, I'm to lazy to raise the possible ire of anyone here, and have my posts shit on because someone disagrees with my morality, rather than the quality of my writing.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Not entirely true. You didn't get this post shit on because you made an effort to write something interesting.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:45:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:41:29 (#)
Ranking: 1
As in the way language works and evolves?
___________________
And the ways in which we derive meaning, the consistancy of meaning, the necessity of paradiems and what they mean in terms of how we interpret language.. It covers alot of different areas, and it's beautiful, because it explains how people think.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
As in the way language works and evolves?
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:27:00 (#)
Ranking: 1
If you where as young as I think you where then you probably studied a lot of My Little Pony.
Although your family sounds minted so you probably did have an actual horse to ride around Hereford or somesuch.
Also the Welsh accent is the best and wins Top Trumps.
________________________
I had the whole My Little Pony collection and the Castle when I was four... but they weren't that much fun. I did have my own pony, when I lived in Galway, until I had an accident and fractured my spine. But that's no big deal in Ireland, lots of people keep horses out there. I've never even been to Hereford though...
And mostly I studied Chemistry and English - I have a big obsession with theory of language because of it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you where as young as I think you where then you probably studied a lot of My Little Pony.
Although your family sounds minted so you probably did have an actual horse to ride around Hereford or somesuch.
Also the Welsh accent is the best and wins Top Trumps.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My mother was ill when I was a kid, hence boarding school. Mostly the self-teaching was because I got to study things I'm actually interested in, instead of sitting there watching the other kids learn how to use a full stop properly.
But yeah, strange fruit is probably a good description.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Boarding school? Self teaching? You certainly are strange fruit Pippin.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:08:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:05:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
You where educated from home Pippin?
Are you welsh?
___________________
How rude! No, I'm not. I'm half Irish, half Swedish. At the time, I was living in Oxfordshire. I'd just come home from boarding school, where I was a few years ahead in my classes, cause I started school earlier than other people. None of the schools would put pupils up by more than a year, so I got to stay at home and teach myself from books.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:03:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
I was bantering. I was fishing for some manner of snappy comeback and then we could have all started rapping. Thus the hope was we'd be able to stir Dervel from whatever cave he's sleeping in so he can prattle on with Redskieslookfake for most of the day and I can both get some work done and be entertained.
As it is I shall have to do everything myself. I wish Red was here to help me, but he won't be on Uber today. He reckons I snubbed him yesterday when he messaged me.
If you read this Red I was ignoring you because I was looking at stuff
____________________________________
Sorry Berty babes. Normally I would love to swap witty reparte... But I'm supposed to be writing essays on Life of Pi, and Tess of the d'Urbervilles... Unless anyone fancies helping, I don't have time to think of clever insults...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You where educated from home Pippin?
Are you welsh?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was bantering. I was fishing for some manner of snappy comeback and then we could have all started rapping. Thus the hope was we'd be able to stir Dervel from whatever cave he's sleeping in so he can prattle on with Redskieslookfake for most of the day and I can both get some work done and be entertained.
As it is I shall have to do everything myself. I wish Red was here to help me, but he won't be on Uber today. He reckons I snubbed him yesterday when he messaged me.
If you read this Red I was ignoring you because I was looking at stuff.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 06:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:59:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:57:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:52:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
So was the decision to go vegan to curb your appetite for putting unknown meat in your mouth?
___________________
*grins* Nope - I was vegan before I was slutty, a phase I would like to point out that I'm pretty much over.
---
Why point that out? You won't sleep with anyone on Uber, nor meet them in real life. Do you really need to justify yourself?
_______
This is true. I guess I'm just an apologist at heart.
Really, I'm to lazy to raise the possible ire of anyone here, and have my posts shit on because someone disagrees with my morality, rather than the quality of my writing.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:57:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:52:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
So was the decision to go vegan to curb your appetite for putting unknown meat in your mouth?
___________________
*grins* Nope - I was vegan before I was slutty, a phase I would like to point out that I'm pretty much over.
---
Why point that out? You won't sleep with anyone on Uber, nor meet them in real life. Do you really need to justify yourself?
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes, actually.
Oh.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:52:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
So was the decision to go vegan to curb your appetite for putting unknown meat in your mouth?
___________________
*grins* Nope - I was vegan before I was slutty, a phase I would like to point out that I'm pretty much over.
The veganism has two roots.
1)My grandad used to own a slaughterhouse. I know how they work, and his was pretty humane.
2)I was home educated for a while, when I was 8 - 11. One day my dad brought home a live chicken for a biology lesson. Being chased round the room by a guy with a chicken's foot with the tendon still attached, pulling it to make it claw your hair, and then having chicken eyeballs thrown at you will do it. My father has a fairly juvenille sense of humour...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So was the decision to go vegan to curb your appetite for putting unknown meat in your mouth?
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You totally told me you liked my suit, you dirty little slut.
Okay, that wasn't funny.
nicely done.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 05:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:57:11 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:27:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was good - but would have liked it to be a bit longer..
---------
I agree, however Berty is pleased.
You've written a real story Pippin. Well done.
___________________
Yay! *does a happy little dance*
I wrote it just specially for you...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No, no you must not re-write it. At least not for Uber. To rehash this effort would be to make it tired and dull. Also the fact that you're tuning up a previous work rather than starting something fresh and new will limit your ability to be good.
Of course that doesn't mean you can't write in a similar vein.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:27:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was good - but would have liked it to be a bit longer..
---------
I agree, however Berty is pleased.
You've written a real story Pippin. Well done.
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, this works.
I like the way it finishes by bringing you, the author back into it to ask us a question.
makes it more immediate. more real.
An example of a piece of writing that breaks one of the main 'rules' you'll hear in writing workshops and works BECAUSE of that.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Since that's the principal complaint, I'll rewrite and make it longer when/if I ever finish my Pi and Tess essays.
The warm smug feeling is because you weren't there.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was good - but would have liked it to be a bit longer..
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why was it supposed to make me feel warm and smug?
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Critisism on length greatly recieved. Fiction or not - I'll maybe tell later. Message - well, there is one, but it's not obvious. In fact, it's probably only visible to me. But thanks anyway :)
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Honestly, were it longer, I could've gotten into it. But as a short story hoping to convey a message, it just don't seem to work.
-1 suffer without necessarily dying immoral woman.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-07-19 04:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Decent. Couple of pretty good lines. Could've been longer, and it's hard to care about your character when there's nothing to flesh her out - assuming that it's fiction, which seems likely. What's with the disclaimer at the end? It seems pretty straightforward to me.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2006-07-19 03:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-19 03:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Glad ya liked it *does a lil curtsey*
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-19 03:40:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit... it worked for me.