The Seedy Underbelly if the Paint Industry (706 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by IntangibleHands (View user info) at 2006-07-20 23:10:20 EDT
I have recently made the decision to move away from the wonderful coffee industry, for a more lucrative career in the exciting world of paint. Paint delivery truck driver to be exact. My duties include: hauling copious amounts of 5-gallon buckets to new houses, factories or warehouses, and driving a 10 foot box truck like a complete asshole. Anywhere paint is needed, you can bet your shiny nickel I'll be there. I'd have to say the most appealing thing about my career change was the idea that I would no longer have to deal with the morons I had come to detest in my previous line of work.
No dice.
I frequently make deliveries to a certain Navy base (which will remain anonymous. The government is watching, you know? Ask ETS). Now I would expect the people charged with defending our country's fine military institutions to be of at least normal intelligence.
Wrong.
Upon entering the base, I had to pass through a standard search checkpoint. No big deal right? I was then required to exit the vehicle and open all doors, including the hood. Also no big deal. While all of this is going on, I was approached by one of the guards. He must have been the leader because he was the only one without crooked teeth, and he was carrying a clipboard.
G.I. Joe: "Soooooo uhhh, where ya headed?"
Me: "Building 3502, Hazmat".
"Uh huh uh huh" he says as he jots it down. He then moves his eyes up at me from the clipboard and lets loose this gem.
G.I. Joe: "Sooooo uhhhh, you carryin' any Guns?...Knives?...Weapons of mass destruction?... "
His voice trailed off at the end as if he cleverly snuck in the last part to try and fool me. I stared blankly at him while he twiddled his pen in front of the clipboard, waiting for an answer. From here I could only deduce two things:
1)He has a "YES or NO" checkbox for weapons of Mass Destruction on his clipboard.
2)He was waiting for me to slip up and say "Uhhhhhh, YES!... Wait no! Damn it!"
After it was clear he was not going to assume the obvious, I gave him a hearty "No" and walked back to the front of the truck. I was halfway there when I noticed another uniformed lackey, staring at my truck in total awe, eyes wide and standing agape. This was the kind of look you might see on a child who has looked up at the stars for the first time. He was looking at the rather large Sherwin Williams logo that emblazoned the side of the truck. The one with the paint can pouring red paint onto the planet, with the words "Cover the Earth" overhead. Without looking away, he asked:
"Does that mean...cover the Earth in blood?"
Despite my seething rage toward his inquiry, I decided not to dignify it with a response, and continue toward the front of my truck. I was near my escape from these obvious Mensa graduates when yet another camouflaged cohort decided to open his mouth.
Private Pile: "Hey! Buddy! You got a problem with your engine!"
He was standing over the truck's open hood. I stood next to him and asked what the problem was.
Private Pile: "It's a Ford! H-H-Huhyuk!"
I glared at him with livid eyes worthy of a Samurai Showdown as I grabbed the hood of the truck and repeatedly smashed his face under it, all while reciting the "Pledge of Allegiance". No one tried to stop me as they were all standing at attention while I spoke. I quickly finished, hopped into the truck, and floored it out of there; thankful the experience hadn't lowered my I.Q.
Then we have these wonderful people.
The protest group A.C.O.R.N. goes about the country in their tie-dye vans protesting various meaningless causes, one of which happens to be lead paint. They don't believe that Sherwin Williams should make lead based paint. Apparently, they also don't believe in newspapers either, because Sherwin-Williams stopped manufacturing lead based paint in the 1930's, and up until that point, placed clear warnings on the cans about the danger of lead in the paint. This obviously didn't stop people from using the delicious but deadly lead paint because I'll be damned if I have to fill my house up with a safe alternative like wallpaper!
Now, in true hippie fashion, these people want the problem fixed, but simply cannot be expected to do it themselves. Sherwin-Williams needs to foot the bill. According to A.C.O.R.N.'s website, "The cost is expected to be over $1 billion!" because we're all worth $100/hr. to hire ourselves to do it!
After all, with only 25% of the market share, we practically forced these people... No!... Victims, to cover their homes with the Devil's Décor, and slowly poison their families for DECADES!
So naturally, when they showed up at my store, chanting such clever lines as "Get the lead out!" I immediately reached for my guns, knives, and weapons of mass destruction, which I always carry in my truck, for just such an emergency. But then, I had a much more hilarious idea.
I called up some friends, who then called their friends, and soon I had amassed a group of about a dozen people ready to lay into some hippie scum. We grabbed some unused paint from the back of the warehouse, some poster board from a nearby Office Max, and some 5-gallon stir sticks. Our plan? To have a protest of our own. Maniacal laughter filled the air as we got to work. We made the best assortment of protest signs we could think of, including such classics as:
No more blood for oil!
Free Tibet!
Meat is Murder!
Soylent Green is people!
Hot topic is not Punk Rock!
Armed with our signs and our words, we marched outside to meet the enemy. Upon our arrival, the group of protesters, consisting mostly of fat housewives and Grateful Dead roadies, fell silent. We looked awkwardly at each other, then at the protesters; they did the same. The humor in the air was so dry that I got a nosebleed. We then proceeded to encircle the group, all of us yelling at once about our various causes written on the signs.
"GEORGE BUSH IS A TERRORIST AND WE WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!"
"EVERYTIME YOU HURT AN ANIMAL, YOU HURT THE PLANET!"
"HOT TOPIC IS OWNED AND OPERATED BY THE SAME PARENT COMPANY THAT RUNS ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH! YOU ARE ALL THE SAME!"
One of my friends even dropped to his knees and yelled: "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
Needless to say, we started to get more attention from curious onlookers than the actual protestors were getting. When my boss came outside to see what was going on, he immediately grabbed me and pulled me inside the store. His only words were "Have you even done any actual work in the last hour and a half?!" I just smiled and playfully waved my sign in front of him.
Anyone looking to hire a truck driver?
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-21 19:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my friends even dropped to his knees and yelled: "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
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you bastards killed my son
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-07-21 15:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-07-21 12:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pyle.
Submitted by Entaran (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the VERY few posts on uber of late that have made me laugh heartily!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
origami is unnatural
photos steal your soul
whenever you eat a soybean seed you are aborting a soy bean plant
think of the baby peas people
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-21 06:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-21 05:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
200% Pig killing awesomeness and 139.5% pillaging villages fun. Woohoo. Another score for those who don't make sense.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-07-21 05:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Works for me.
I'm sat at work, still pissed from last night and I have to attend a funeral in a few hours. I also feel like I'm about to puke! Glorious day
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2006-07-21 04:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't rated in months, but the line about the dry humor and the bleeding of noses got me.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-07-21 03:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
On the application to become a permanent resident of the states, this question is followed by a YES/NO tickbox:
Do you intend to engage in the United States in espionage?
It boggles the mind.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2006-07-21 00:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Parts of this made me laugh.
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-07-21 00:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you love the enviroment and hate hippies at the same time? Know what else is fun? Telling hardcore vegans that the can of Coke they have? The sugar in cola is super-refined through chared PIG BONES. It's true. I read it in Fast Food Nation.
Submitted by IntangibleHands (user info) at 2006-07-20 23:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Seedy underbelly OF the paint industry