Grandma, the bitch who just won't die (1305 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyTeeOne <My_Tee_One.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-07-21 10:04:38 EDT
We all have them...one of those family members who is just a wet blanket. They're the ones who bring up the dangers of sugar over birthday cake, while smoking their eighth cigarette in the last half hour. That one family member who always smells of socks but will complain it's too cold to open a window...in June. They're the one who wants a kiss from all of the kids, but has a mole the size of a hubcap on their upper lip, probably with hair growing out of it. The one who molests your girlfriend at your sisters wedding...OK, maybe that's just me.
Well, I have SEVERAL of them. Today's craptacular family member of the month is Grandma: The bitch who got cancer and just won't fucking die. I'm sure that sounds insensitive (and it is) but you don't know her.
Grandma is my mom's mom. When my grandfather died she received all of the family land. However, the land has been in my grandfather's blood line since the 1800's. So, there has been a HUGE debate, not just in the family but in the ENTIRE COUNTY, over whose land it is and who it should go to next.
Grandma and the law states (and I paraphrase here): "She was his wife when he died, and therefore, the smelly old hag gets it." The family (and most of the rest of the county) says it should belong to my mother. Personally, I could care less.
Well, that's not entirely true. I guess I would like it to stay in the family. However, I'm so sick over the tension it's caused all of my life I'd blow it all up just to be free of it. See, ever since I was a kid, there has been tension. Technically speaking, my grandmother is the home owner. Rather than paying rent, my folks are supposed to keep the place up and make improvements on it. However, they can't get a home owners loan because it's not in their name. They've explained this to the old hag, who spreads misery and depression wherever she goes, but she can't seem to understand it. My Uncle is in the same boat with mom because his land was (is) in the family as well, but is currently owned by my grandmother.
There are a ton of dysfunctional issues in my family (just like in yours, I'm sure) but 99% of mine can be traced back to, if you think about it, a piece of dirt. A valuable piece of dirt, mind you, with my childhood home on it, but dirt non-the less. Christmases and graduations have been ruined over a piece of dirt. Birthdays and weddings have gone from joyous occasions into fights over a piece of dirt.
And so, the other day, the waste of flesh and space that is my grandmother finds a lump in her breast. Now I don't wish death or pain on anyone, but I do wish happiness on people. And in order for the rest of my family to be happy ... all of us: mom, dad, sister, grandkids, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc... grandma has to change or leave, and she hasn't changed yet. So, I'm thinking "is this finally the end of the curse?"
The answer would be a big fat no. Grandma survived surgery today and the lump has been removed. That means she'll be here for the holidays. There will be another Thanksgiving with her bland stuffing and talk of how the crops did. Another Christmas of her saying it will be her last one (and then it's not...why do you have to get our hopes up?) and her talk of death while we unwrap presents (which is always a treasured memory). There will be another Easter of her bringing nasty egg salad and talking about how the farmers get screwed in taxes worse than anyone else on the planet.
No joke here, my family has received phone calls today with messages like "Hey, sorry to hear about your grandma." The people who have called KNOW THAT SHE LIVED through the surgery though. They are saying sorry to us that she did NOT die. How fucked up is that?
Perhaps it's wrong of me to feel this way. Perhaps being family means you're supposed to blah blah blah. She's not family. Families have their problems, sure, but they're supposed to have good times as well. She wouldn't know a good time if it reached up and gave her an orgasm (gross). So, maybe I'm a bad person for feeling the way I do about her miserable old hide. On the flip side, maybe I'm a good person for wanting the best for the group (family). Truth is, good or bad, it doesn't really matter to me. We'd be better off without her.
Why can't she just die like the rest of my friend's grandmas?
User Reviews
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-02 13:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ouch.
I got the humour but...
I dunno.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2006-07-24 12:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the last line killed me
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-24 11:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yup, good ol' Chambana. If I remember corretly you're either from or at Peoria?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-24 08:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:26:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
I grew up in Central IL Antioxident. Everyone in the small towns down there either knows you or your parents...or at least remember that time they got drunk with you grandfather.
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Chambana, perchance?
Submitted by dethcow (user info) at 2006-07-23 14:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-07-21 17:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The title cracked me up cause I got one of those... she's 92 and despite that fact I think she'll outlive me.
Just make sure you don't say anything that takes you out of the will.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-07-21 16:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-21 16:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your husband isn't dead lady, he's hiding
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-21 15:30:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tell her you're turned into a queer-mo, and wait for the heart attack to hit
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-21 13:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not a problem.
If you need any additional advice on how to expedite her passage into hell, give me a ring.
I know things.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-21 13:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're all heart Shlongy. Thank you for the kind words in this time of need.
Submitted by mc (user info) at 2006-07-21 13:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting...so, what'd she do with the lump? You should track it down and make her a nice thanksgiving/christmas center piece.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-21 13:14:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My condolences that your grandma lived.
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-07-21 12:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Family never dies when you need them to.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-07-21 12:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:45:46 (#)
Ranking: 1
Can't you just put a pillow over your grandma's
face while she sleeps?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-21 12:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do a quick claim to add your parents to the title, then *poof* money!
If she wont do it, go online and find out what you would need to do to become a notary...
Then have her sign a power of attorney to your parents, then *poof* money!
Any chance she's going blind and or crazy??? - could have her put away.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-21 11:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was kind of thinking when I posted this that I was going to get ripped apart for hating my grandma. Uber sure is a wierd place full of surprises.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-21 11:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
+2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-07-21 11:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-07-21 11:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree, except my family is "dirt" poor. Hahahahahaha all the way to the bank.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-21 11:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're a giver O-tron. That's what I like about you.
No worries Maltese...it's Uber. Ratings don't really matter.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-21 11:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And another, to get this back to its original rating.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-21 11:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm SOOOO sorry, dude.
Here, have another one.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-21 11:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I ran out of grandparents by the time I was 19.
I'll reach up and give her an orgasm for ya, if you like.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-21 11:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHIT!!! I FORGOT TO RATE IT!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-21 11:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:55:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
You could always push her down at the top of an escalator and she'll be perpetually beaten with stairs as they keep rising until someone cuts the power.
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And in your best Godfather voice, you say that you 'made it look like an accident'.
Rock on.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-21 11:00:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll give it a shot Wildcat...but the bitch beat cancer, I don't know if an escaltor will kill her.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it so hard to go to Walmart around noon and tell Grandma "I'm gonna lock the doors, stay in the car, I'll be right" and not come back for until the sun goes down?
You could always push her down at the top of an escalator and she'll be perpetually beaten with stairs as they keep rising until someone cuts the power.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn it...I should have went with slutty.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ubet had the sweeeetest grandma that ever lived.
i miss her.
Can't you just put a pillow over your grandma's
face while she sleeps?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:44:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CAN DO!!
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Only if you promise to wear red.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet can i go?
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I grew up in Central IL Antioxident. Everyone in the small towns down there either knows you or your parents...or at least remember that time they got drunk with you grandfather.
And I envy you Sacrilicious....
Grandmas Obiturary:
She finally died today. The visitation will be held at Luxs Funeral home followed by a kegger at the family farm. The funeral will be at the Flatville cemetary. BYOB.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Title alone deserves a +2.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
her obit's gonna be six words isn't it?
name (first middle last) died this week.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://gabbly.com/www.ubersite.com
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shut up, you ingrate- my family doesn't have any land OR grandmas.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The family (and most of the rest of the county) says it should belong to my mother."
Where do you live that the county is all lose knit and such?
Here in md we hate each other
Submitted by Defect (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got a grandpa who's been obese for the past 20 years and smoked since he was a kid. He's in his 60's or 70's now, I don't remember. He recently had a heart attack in a car and was dead for 15 minutes. Fifteen fucking minutes. They had to shock him with the defibrillator 8 times to bring him back. They usually use four.
When he got taken to the hospital, he had electrical burns on his chest and couldn't remember thing's from 10 years ago. Then he got a kidney stone.
He recently underwent surgery to fix his hip.
God hates him.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:11:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
better without an attachment
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FUCK...I forgot the attachement.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They're the one who wants a kiss from all of the kids, but has a mole the size of a hubcap on their upper lip, probably with hair growing out of it.
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So true it hurts
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-07-21 10:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck you you cunt