Cyclists... another term for jerkoffs. (741 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.33 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by PoisonYourKids (View user info) at 2006-07-24 23:39:18 EDT
hey, its been a while.
so people on bikes. when summer hits, its like a scourge that descends upon the land. one day, youre out, youre living life, doing your thing, alls well... but then. then the mercury starts to rise, things start to change. grown men start wearing shorts that are much too short for them, girls start wearing shorts that are in my oppinion not nearly short enough, but obnoxiously emblazoned with words like "juicy" across the ass. kids are released from child prison and are left free and to their own devices to terrorize our streets and the the sound of lawnmowers begins to garauntee that you will not sleep past 10:00am for the next few months.
none of this can compare to cyclists though. they wear lycra shorts, flamboyant shirts, bike gloves. some of them have the nerve to pin numbers to their shirts and masquerade around town holding up traffic for "charity bike races." the shorts, far too tight for any man to wear, are donned regardless, often times FORCING you to catch glimpses of their batch when they saunter in to the local convenience store to buy their "power bars" and their "power goo" and other assorted power foods that promise power, but deliver only diarhea. truely this is a plague in the form of smug men with funny looking "aerodynamic" helmates and a holier than thou, wannabe lance armstrong attitudes.
here is where i explain myself. i have nothing against people who ride bikes. i ride a bike. i ride it to get where i need to go occasionally. sometimes i even ride it for fun. why, its great exercize, its a clean efficient means of transportation... if zombies ever rose up and conquered the earth, they would be perfect for getting around without drawing attention to yourself, not to mention you never need to worry about running outa gas. hell it could even be made into an electric generator at the end of the day. and zombies are slow and cant catch people on bikes unless you believe in the 28 days later zombie theory which while entertaining is obviously rediculous, although i suppose they werent really zombies so much as infected people, but the remake of dawn of the dead... now that was just crazy. straight up zombified people dont run. it makes no sense! just go upstairs and chop them up behind you. zombies dont climb rope ladders.
but uhh, yeah, bikes. theyre great.
its the people who ride bikes who are the ones that take an otherwise cool thing and fuck it all up. what, with their rediculous attire that shows they take themselves entirely to serious. they all think they own the road, like theyre above the law. if im driving down the street and i happen to drive up behind my friend, i dont pull up next to him in the oncomming lane and start having conversations out the window. people on bikes think its perfectly ok to ride in the middle of my lane while im driving behind them and most likely talk about how progressive they are for riding bikes. BIKES ARE NOT A POLITICAL STATEMENT. ITS A BIKE. bikers love to preach about how they bike all over the place, and bike just for the hell of it while we neanderthals still presume to, *GASP!* drive places!!!! why, cars spew emissions and are loud noisy dreadfull contraptions! they never stop to think that their lycra shorts and shirt and carbon graphite framed road bike are responsible for something in the vicinity of 40 tons of emitted carbon dioxide from the manufacturing process.
they love to pin paper numbers in their shirts and ride around in big dipshit packs like a group of sultans out for their morning constitutions. make way, for the bikers approacheth!
example: the other day im driving down a pretty rural back road that has highway access. i was with a friend of mine from outa town and it was a nice day so i thought rather than taking the highway two more exits to a more convenient and close location to my house, i would take the back way and take a little drive through the country. little did i know it would result in me nearly flipping my shit. about 2 or 3 miles from the highway exit there is an apple orchard/general store/icecream place. i come around a corner and i see it... 20 cars backed up at a standstill. coming in the other direction were about another 20 cars also at a standstill. "well... it must be a popular day for ice cream" i thought, cause when i looked over at the shop, it was mobbed with people. but thats when i noticed something was wrong. terribly wrong. they were all wearing tight black lycra shorts. their shirts were all extremely colorfull and covered with various logos for things like "sobe" and... "sobe". they all had what i dreaded more than anything. paper numbers, pinned to their shirts.
"no" i thought. "no this cant be... not today, not now!!" and thats when i realized there was a traffic cop holding up the road. there was large hill a way up and to the left of me and i saw a few of them come over the crest and start down. thats when it really donned on me... it was a bike race. by looks of it, it was nearly over, and to make matters worse, the icecream place was the finish line. but this didnt prevent the cop from making 40 plus cars sit there and wait for ONE GUY to come down the hill and cross the street. you would think, this being the end and all, you could just hold the bikes there and let this ever growing mass of pissed off motorists go. but no. thats not how it works i guess. just when you thought it was clear, when that one biker crossed the street and escape seemed imminant, another biker would crest the hill. this went on for some time. one or two bikes at a time, strategically spaced as if only to piss me off.
well eventually i made it out of there after sitting in traffic for near 20 minutes watching these bastards enjoy their ice cream while i sat and idled and burned my precious 3.01 cent a gallon gasoline.
and thats how it all started.
now im no slouch. if im going someplace in town, and i dont need to carry anything like groceries, ill take my bike there. when i go to buy beer, i hop on trusty 15 speed huffy stalker and peddle my way to the package store with a backpack. having a backpack that can hold a 30 rack helps, but regardless... anywhere i need to go in my town i can go on a bike. my town is all hills too, im no bitch. but when i get on my bike, i dont get the benefits of a guy wearing his stupid outfit on his super expensive bike with tires about as wide as his penis. something about dressing up like a jerkoff and riding one of these bikes makes people afraid to give them what they have coming... like a nice "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!" me on the other hand... im lucky if i dont get run down in a crosswalk BY the police.
its wrong dammit. its wrong and its time for change... whos with me?
User Reviews
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2006-07-25 20:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that fuckin sucks man. 3.50 a gallon is outrageous.
Submitted by Nockane (user info) at 2006-07-25 20:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My gas is 3.499 cents a gallon. I get screwed on that .009... I only have pennies.
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2006-07-25 20:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
im heart broken...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-25 19:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not me.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2006-07-25 15:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2006-07-25 15:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no of course... the rules of the road dont apply to them. the expect us to share the roads with them but then of course the rules dont apply. theyre special.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you ever been to Oxford? It's hell. I have to go twice a year, and every time I do, I have an insane urge to murder every pissing cyclist in the place. For some reason they're convinced that traffic lights etc don't apply to them...
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-07-25 06:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop at McDonald's and get about 5 waters. Bikers are good targets.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-07-25 06:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed a few times
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2006-07-25 00:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well played sir... well played.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-07-25 00:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
STFU N00B
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2006-07-25 00:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
try again dipshit.
Everything you ever wanted to know about professorfuckface
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Registered on or around: 2003-03-06 07:56:46
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-07-25 00:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
STFU NOOB
Submitted by poisonyourkids (user info) at 2006-07-24 23:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good to be back... just the way it was when i left... sorta.