A temple of silence. (598 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: sex
Rating: -0.61 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ais (View user info) at 2006-07-25 08:07:50 EDT
There's an oasis in the heart of the city; a place of solitude, silence, contemplation. A place for solace, and seclusion. A meadow, banked by tall hedges, and filled with lazily waving grass. A murky, slow running river, mayflies humming on the green, glassy surface.
A throne of willow roots, my throne, my place for thoughts, waits for me by the river bank, as I walk through the grass idly snatching at blades. It's here that I come to be alone, to balance my soul in the silence.
But I am not alone. The man sits, almost waiting, in the heart of my oasis, in my wooden cradle. Black hair and laughing eyes. A half-smile that mocks my craving for peace and isolation.
I sit, and hope to shame him into leaving my temple of silence. Give him a cool, hard glare, and light my cigarette. Blowing smoke towards this smirking desecrator. Maybe he'll understand how unwanted he truly is.
He's next to me. His hand reaches up, catching my jaw line, pulling my mouth towards his. A dry, passionless kiss that suits my mood, then a more violent one. He pushes my head down as I unbutton his flies. His cock is short and wide, stretching the corners of my mouth, while I try not to drag my teeth across it. The ball on my tongue-bar feels like its loosing as I struggle to accommodate him, sliding my tongue around his length.
He only lasts a few minutes, grunting and panting as he comes in my mouth. I swallow cum that tastes like mucusy tears, and think about the silence. He kisses me again, and rises.
He leaves as silently as I arrived, and I am left to ponder, relieved of his presence.
User Reviews
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-01-03 20:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not as good as your latest stuff but I think I can see what you were trying to do.
The +1 is for not being cowardly with the subject matter.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-07-28 02:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
There's potential here. But it's not good on its own.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-26 10:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-26 10:26:47 (#)
Ranking: -2
I have here a temple of semen. C'mon...give it a try!
____________
As a rule, I'm pretty picky about the things I put in my mouth. Thanks anyway.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-26 10:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I have here a temple of semen. C'mon...give it a try!
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-26 06:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww. Thanks. But it did kind of suck. I'm still working on imagery.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-07-26 06:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was not nearly as bad as they're making out.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-07-25 18:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-07-25 18:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Goddamnit.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-07-25 18:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These comments are bullshit. It doesn't matter how well written this was, it was always going to be a short story about you in a garden suddenly giving somebody a blowjob.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-07-25 13:05:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Imagery can often equate to the transfer of character emotion. Let us FEEL your impatience, your mild disgust, or humiliation.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-07-25 13:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Work on the imagery side.
"I can hear a bird twittering in the branches above us over his heavy breathing. I close my eyes and begin to bob my head faster, wanting to be done."
Something.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-25 12:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-25 11:49:31 (#)
Ranking: -2
Alright Pippin, a few quick things I want to go through.
Firstly, as a post, this blew. Key items you want in a post are either humour, aliteration and stuff, shock/novelty value, titilation, or any combination of the above.
Secondly play to your strengths. Your strength is little personal stories that carry a heavy subtext of a vulnerable young woman trying to deal with life through excess. It's all terribly moving and human and appealing to voyeuristic perverts like myself. Later you will be able to expand yourself into other areas which leads me to my third and final point.
Who the hell are you? We don't know you by anything more than your output. You have not earnt our respect nor have you defined yourself in our eyes. We owe you nothing and never will owe you anything. Hopefully over time you will become known to us and regarded as a friend. Be humble or you will succeed in nothing other than getting peoples backs up.
I hope you keep trying though because I think there may be something to you.
______________________
Thanks babe. As ever, your comments are much appreciated.
Subject matter is probably going to remain consistant. It's the result of two things: clearing out my head and off-loading, plus writing what I know.
I'm going to keep trying different techniques and styles, while I try and work out how I want to write. It's always going to be me trying to improve myself.
And I'm never going to stop just because I write something that sucks, just keep trying to make it better.
Thanks again sweetie :)
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-25 11:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-25 11:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thinking about things a little more I guess you'll probably keep trying things you regard as strengths but, well, I like the stories.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-25 11:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Alright Pippin, a few quick things I want to go through.
Firstly, as a post, this blew. Key items you want in a post are either humour, aliteration and stuff, shock/novelty value, titilation, or any combination of the above.
Secondly play to your strengths. Your strength is little personal stories that carry a heavy subtext of a vulnerable young woman trying to deal with life through excess. It's all terribly moving and human and appealing to voyeuristic perverts like myself. Later you will be able to expand yourself into other areas which leads me to my third and final point.
Who the hell are you? We don't know you by anything more than your output. You have not earnt our respect nor have you defined yourself in our eyes. We owe you nothing and never will owe you anything. Hopefully over time you will become known to us and regarded as a friend. Be humble or you will succeed in nothing other than getting peoples backs up.
I hope you keep trying though because I think there may be something to you.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:47:18 (#)
Ranking: -1
My advice, as this is meant to be a serious attempt is; too many commas.
It may be proper grammar to include commas where you have, but it makes it hard to read, people read a comma as a little pause, try reading this out loud like that.
_________________
Sorry, I appreciate that most people hate the Oxford comma. Between them and my over-use of the elipsis I have a punctuation addiction. Thanks for the constructive critisism.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:47:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
My advice, as this is meant to be a serious attempt is; too many commas.
It may be proper grammar to include commas where you have, but it makes it hard to read, people read a comma as a little pause, try reading this out loud like that.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:37:17 (#)
Ranking: -2
Tasteless and dumb. -2DIE
______________
Tasteless and dumb how?
Rather than making arbitary statements, it would be nice if you could back them up, perhaps giving me a chance to improve.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Tasteless and dumb. -2DIE
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This has every right to be on the front page.
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:07:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
The first three paragraphs particularly.
This might just be me, but reading 'meadows' and 'a throne of willow roots' along with some of the other descriptive words sounded dated and forced.
"I swallow cum" - this is for an English degree?!?!?! You've gotta be kidding me. Thats porn, surely. Even Jackie Collins wouldn't say that.
Jebus I'm glad I'm going Geosciences.
_________
I've got to admit, imagery is never going to be my strongest point - but I was trying to create the idea of a place that is dated - seperate from the modernism of the world. A place where it's hard for things to intrude upon reflection, because that's how the place feels to me. It actually is a meadow, with wild grass and willows growing in it.
The "porn" thing - well, it's not high class literature, but then the whole point is that we learn to write in a variety of styles. Personally, I don't really find it pornographic over all, at least not compared to some of the things other people have read for the class. I guess its just a way of trying to explain a very vivid memory.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The first three paragraphs particularly.
This might just be me, but reading 'meadows' and 'a throne of willow roots' along with some of the other descriptive words sounded dated and forced.
"I swallow cum" - this is for an English degree?!?!?! You've gotta be kidding me. Thats porn, surely. Even Jackie Collins wouldn't say that.
Jebus I'm glad I'm going Geosciences.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what's to ponder?
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-25 10:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-25 09:00:10 (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't like this at all.
It read like you'd listed words that you liked and put them all into one paragraph.
_________
Which paragraph?
Just to explain - this is a technique heavy piece I've done as practice for my degree (English and Creative Writing). It's a scene from my life, re-edited using the techniques they've been pushing on us in class. I'm not overly happy with it myself, but it's not supposted to go anywhere.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-07-25 09:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i think you have some potential. your thoughts didn't seem organized and your post was poorly constructed. but hey, practice makes perfect. keep trying.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-07-25 09:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't like this at all.
It read like you'd listed words that you liked and put them all into one paragraph.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-07-25 08:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
badly written and too short.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-07-25 08:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What the hell is this?
Horrible.