I Don’t Want to Relocate Him. I Want to Kill the Motherfucker (32324 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalLabels: b.at.w
Rating: 1.66 on 131 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's House of St. Awesome (View user info) at 2006-07-26 22:36:13 EDT
*RingRing*
"Good afternoon, Acme Pest Elimination. This is Nancy. How may I help you today?"
Me: Yes I need you to kill something that's bothering me. It's a total pest. It's Matt. I need you to kill Matt. He's the one that's pestering me.
Nancy: Okay, how many rats do you think are in the infestation? Seven? Twelve? Thirteen? More than thirteen?
Me: I didn't say rats. I said Matt.
Nancy:...Please tell me Matt is a nickname you've given one of the rats.
Me: He could be a rat. If he were a rat, he'd be the biggest, ugliest, tick-ridden rat that ever ratted. He'd be king of the rats. Time for the king to die. So? Can you kill him or can't you? And how much is this going to cost because as much as I want to kill him, I don't want to spend that much money on his death. Maybe on the disposal of his corpse, but definitely not on his death. Anyone can shoot some one and dump his body in the woods, but it takes some real skill to chop off the limbs and dump it in an acid bath...
Nancy: Click.
Me: Nancy? Did you just say click? I could've sworn we were going some where with this...galactic cunt....
*RingRing*
"Edmonton Exterminators. This is Tim."
Me: Hello Tim. Do you know Nancy at Acme Pest? She's a huge bitch. Galactic cunt. What crawled up her ass and died? The last time I dealt with a bitch that nasty was when that crazy lady started beating me with an umbrella for stealing her thoughts. I wasn't stealing her thoughts. I was just borrowing them until mine came back.
Tim: Is there a point to this call?
Me: Well, Tim, I need something done for me. What do you charge for killing Matts? Does it depend on the size or on how hard it is to kill it? Does the price go up if he runs into the woods and escapes on a hovercraft? Do you have hovercraft insurance?
Tim: Rats? We don't have rats here in Alberta. Bats maybe, but no rats.
Me: Nancy said there were rats.
Time: Who the hell is Nancy?
Me: Forget about Nancy. Nancy's dead. Nancy's gone. She's dead and gone. This is about Matt now. Can you get rid of Matt for me?
Tim: Matt who? What the hell are you talking about? We exterminate termites and other insects. Are you talking about a person?
Me: I wouldn't call him a person. He's a giant walking boob. He's just a blob of fat, covered in skin and hair. His nose is the nipple and it keeps leaking. I want to break his nose like a frozen nipple. He's just a big cancerous tit and I want him chopped off.
Tim: Don't call here ever again ranting about tits.
Me: Or what? You'll tell Nancy what I said about her? Good. I hate Nancy and her shitty hair cut. Does she cut it herself or something? That's like a five-dollar haircut. I could get a better haircut from a thumbless, blind drunk down on the corner.
Tim: Whacko.
Me: Nancy-lover.
*RingRing*
"Maritime Pest Control. How may I direct your call?"
Me: Shit. Did I just call the Maritimes? I have a shitty long-distance plan and this could cost me. At least tell me this is the good part of the Maritimes. Do you have clams there? I ate some bad clams once. I woke up three days later on a bus to Las Vegas with some chick named Ramona. What a nightmare THAT was. It could have been the clams. Or it could have been the huge joint I smoked before I ate them. Either way, is this the Maritimes or not?
Mystery Person: No, sir. We're just called Maritime Pest Control.
Me: So you kill manatees and shit? Like if a manatee had moved in next door and was playing his Jay Z CDs all night, you'd kill him and dump his body in the lake? I'm assuming manatees float. Do you tie rocks to them like you would a bag of dead puppies?
Mystery Person: I don't think manatees live on land, sir.
Me: Who do you keep calling sir? Do I sound like a knight to you? Like I'm on some crusade? Well I am on a crusade. If you want to help my crusade, I need to talk to some one about exterminating a large mammal that's been lurking around my place of business.
Mystery Person of Mystery: I'm not sure what we can do about large mammals, but I'll see who I can get to answer you question.
Me: Sure thing. Take all the time in the world. I'm only a man on a crusade here.
On Hold Music: ...Wasted away again in Margaritaville, Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt. Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, But I know it's nobody's fault...
"Hello this is Ross."
Me: Ross do you ever confuse Jimmy Buffet with Warren Buffet? Sometimes I do. It's my secret shame. Even more shameful than eating that handful of cat litter when I was nine.
Ross: One's rich. One's a scumbag. Not hard to tell the difference.
Me: Would you rather live on the beach and right terrible songs or live in a mansion and have people wash your ass for you?
Ross: What does this have to do with exterminating a large mammal?
Me: Right. Okay. I need to have a large ape-like creature killed before it kills me or I kill it with my bare hands and an array of plastic spoons. Have you ever scooped out another man's eye with a plastic spoon, Ross?
Ross: Can't say I have. I don't think we...wait...Ape? Are you talking about Bigfoot?
Me: His feet are pretty big. Does Bigfoot have a really bad fat-guy goatee? Walk around wearing sweaty t-shirts? Eat all your chips? Have really dumb ears and talks to cats? Strange cats?
Ross: I've never seen Bigfoot.
Me: What about the Sasquatch?
Ross: No. They're the same.
Me: No they're not. One's Bigfoot, the other is Sasquatch. One eats berries and twigs and the other rips your face off and replaces it with a paste of honey, leaves and your own lungs.
Ross: I'm not here to debate about Bigfoot. I'm here to answer real questions about real pest problems. I'm hanging up if this conversation doesn't get to a point and fast.
Me: Hmm. Is Bill or Joe there?
Ross: Bill's here. Joe doesn't work here anymore. How do you know Bill?
Me: That's between Bill, me and the Vietnamese prostitute. And maybe the goat. I really don't know how much the goat remembers since he was drugged the entire time. Tell Bill I hope that thing with his ass and that crazy rash works out okay. Who would have known it could spread THAT fast.
Ross: Okay? Um, if you're having a problem with Bigfoot, you should try calling the wildlife officer. Or a mental hospital. Do you live near a park or something? Is that why you think you see Bigfoot.
Me: I don't think I see Bigfoot. I work with Bigfoot. He sits next to me and blows his nose all night like a foghorn. Frankly, I don't think any ships are going to crash into our office anytime soon but if they are we're sure as fuck are safe.
Ross:...I'll tell Bill you said hi.
Me: Fuck Bill. I hate that asshole and his anal warts. He's named them all, you know. The little one is named Ross Junior. And the big one is named Ross Senior. What the hell did you ever do to Bill, Ross? Did you shit on his car? Put worms in his coffee? Huh? Huh? What?
Ross: Clicky-click
*RingRing*
"Alberta Fish and Game Association. This is Carl. How can I help you?"
Me: Yes, I need to get rid of a giant, naked ape that keeps impeding my progress. He drives a real shitty car. I don't know shit about cars other than his is big, shitty and leaks oil all over the place. Does that narrow it down? Big, shitty human in a big, shitty car?
Carl: We can't relocate humans, sir.
Me: I don't want to relocate him. I want to kill the motherfucker.
Carl: I'm hanging up now.
Me: Fuck you, Carl. You have sex with dogs.
User Reviews
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2008-12-18 11:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-03-14 01:30:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
amused me
Submitted by proletaire (user info) at 2007-03-14 01:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked so much that text that I made a French adaptation of it :
http://www.proletaire.com/jeneveuxpaslerelocaliserjeveuxletuer.html
I couldn't find any other place than here to contact the author...
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-02-25 06:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by: Phallic_Cymbals_who_is_presently_banned @ Now
OK to me you're generally a plus 1 poster and i avoid your posts because that would drop your ratings. This, however, was a great post that i hadnt previously seen.
Submitted by herrresjonny (user info) at 2007-02-25 06:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this is fucking genius
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-12-03 16:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: Fuck you, Carl. You have sex with dogs.
------
That's just great.
Submitted by _God (user info) at 2006-12-03 15:55:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Been meaning to +2 this for a while; I laughed my balls off. (seriously, I now need prosthetic testicles)
Submitted by Lianne260987 (user info) at 2006-08-15 07:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A bit confusing at first but some lines are quite funny.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-12 13:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-09 08:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad at all :)
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2006-08-06 18:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have beautiful eyes.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-04 02:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
buuuuuuuuuuuuuump
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-08-02 15:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eh doesn't rate a -1 even if I didnt think it was funny, well written at least
a 2 balances things out hooray
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-08-02 15:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Maybe I'm totally missing something, b/c this wasn't funny. Just annoying.
Submitted by the_grendel (user info) at 2006-08-01 19:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
terribly sorry but I grew out of prank phone calls when I was 8
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-01 15:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about Molari
User id: 27180
Registered on or around: 2006-06-01 10:24:12
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 80
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
Alter of: darko
Submitted by Molari (user info) at 2006-08-01 13:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
boooring
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2006-08-01 00:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how much is too much? 500 to kill him and disposal depends on how long u want it 2 be befor his body is found
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-07-31 02:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STEVIE FOR GOD!!!!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-31 02:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It *could*, Darko, we just have to be vigilant on F5ing the hell out fo it.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-31 02:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:02:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't go near my computer today.
Manic-depression and all.
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Is that the dream where the computer screen eats your face, choked to death by the mouse-zombie, have your skull crushed by a printer, or the unstopable feeling of impending doom that you can't stop because it's a cold cruel eventuality that we'll all have to face someday? I think it's the computer screen one.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't go near my computer today.
Manic-depression and all.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-30 19:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You realize this alone won't get you on the MVA, right?
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-07-30 19:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heres another for B@W
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-07-30 13:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-30 10:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work. Carry on.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-30 03:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
da da da da da da da da la da da da da
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-30 00:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
la da da da da
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-29 20:31:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W.
I see I have you to thank for my ADD title as it was taken from UM titles. So..linkwhore?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91072
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-29 05:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B&W!!!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-29 04:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
:-D
Guess who's name is going to go on my MVA name when I get there AND I figure out how to change it???
:-D
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-29 04:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
100
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-29 02:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOO!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-29 02:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
another drunk bump
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-07-28 23:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-28 17:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hrmm
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-28 16:56:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I assure you, it's on there
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-28 16:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Which B@W are you looking at?
I see nothing.
I know nothing.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-28 16:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
now hurry up and label this one with your SIX OTHER B@W POSTS
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-28 16:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
At least he lived long enough to put this on B@W.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-28 16:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bart's dead.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-28 16:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
:-(
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-28 14:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DON'T LET THIS FALL OFF MOST HEATED YET!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-28 14:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ON B@W MOTHERFUCKER!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-07-28 14:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My pet Tiger says that this belongs to the house of awesome, right beside that triple titted hooker from total recall and that hardcore porn with your dead grandmother.
Submitted by hoooot (user info) at 2006-07-28 10:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hmmm...i love those shows on the discovery channel about try to find bigfoot.
one lady claimed that she had been raised by bifoots and that they still come over and try to borrow garlic from her.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-07-28 10:10:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-28 09:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t
GO FLAMES GO
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-28 04:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
drunken hump
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-28 04:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ghj
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-28 04:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-28 04:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
drunken bump
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-07-28 02:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEAT MATT TO DEATH
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-28 02:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
its okay that I quote your stories then.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-07-28 01:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd stalk you, but you live too far :(
Moving to Montreal anytime soon?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-28 01:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just don't want to be interwebly stalked without knowing it. I don't mind stalkering as long as I know about it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-28 01:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just so you know I quote your stories when I post myspace surveys.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-28 01:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck your heat mr. "I'm too good to have radly put my picture on his myspace"
fucker.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-28 01:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
seconded
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-28 01:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GOD DAMMIT THIS NEEDS MORE HEAT!!!!!!
Submitted by Charlilot (user info) at 2006-07-27 22:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: No they're not. One's Bigfoot, the other is Sasquatch. One eats berries and twigs and the other rips your face off and replaces it with a paste of honey, leaves and your own lungs.
Submitted by CrazyHorse (user info) at 2006-07-27 20:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mother
Fucking
B@W
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-27 19:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-27 19:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
read this people! (and comment)
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm such a fucking ninja
Submitted by KungFu (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" Do you tie rocks to them like you would a bag of dead puppies?"
Fucking gold!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*makes shifty eyes*
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*sneaks out*
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOO HEAT!
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Back at it!
HEAT!
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*takes stamina pills*
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Overheated :(
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EVEN MO' HEAT
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MO' HEAT
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEAT
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*sneaks in*
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sadly none of my comments count towards your climb up most heated
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:23:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That type of evil I can deal with.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In all honesty, I probably will use it for evil. HOWEVER, the evil will benefit you if I do.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I <3 you too.
Because you have my address and will never ever ever use it for evil.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I <3 you steve
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth a shot.
PS I'll find my frog
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've actually read this now, and it has the official darko stamp of approval. Shall be submitted by me to B@W, and most likely get you on the MVA.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pffft, and here I was gonna get to do my one good dead of the year.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YA HEARD ME.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
right terrible songs ??
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-27 18:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DARKO - I HAVE THE MAGAZINE. DON'T MAIL IT.
...however, feel free to mail me candy and or an envelope of mysterious powder anytime...
*jazzfingers*
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-27 17:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-27 16:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sasquatch looks like Caul
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-07-27 16:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA!
teehee.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-07-27 15:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Happily_Agnostic (user info) at 2006-07-27 14:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-27 13:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
don't pay too much for it, it only cost my 7 bucks.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2006-07-27 09:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
finally. it's good to see a post that really deserves a +2 and isn't just another ass sucking contest.
well done.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-27 09:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard I popped a tit
you owe me $5,999.99
thanks
Submitted by Ishamael (user info) at 2006-07-27 09:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nancy-lover.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-27 08:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
customer service just isn't what it used to be
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-27 08:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-27 06:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still awesome.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-27 06:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
waiting
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-27 05:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you find anyone to do it? Because I have a couple of jobs for them...
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-07-27 05:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck.
I keep forgetting this. But I can't really imagine someone of your brilliance giving a shit.
But still- it IS nice to see.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-07-27 05:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"No they're not. One's Bigfoot, the other is Sasquatch. One eats berries and twigs and the other rips your face off and replaces it with a paste of honey, leaves and your own lungs."
Good lord.
St. Awesome indeed. There were tears.
r.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-27 04:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-07-27 04:17:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's true. I really don't kill that many people at all.
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I'm god, and it's not cancer that kills people, it's really just my latest shroud of mystery to cast over the eyes of nonbelievers so I can carry out my divine mandate.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-07-27 04:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's true. I really don't kill that many people at all.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-07-27 03:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pirate_pipi (user info) at 2006-07-27 03:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I needed something to make me laugh this morning. Thanks.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2006-07-27 03:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2006-07-27 03:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:39:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90973
Fantasy Football, wooo!!!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:24:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stevie, you make the baby Jesus have an anurism (fuck spelling) from laughing too hard.
So -2DIE for killing the baby Jesus.
-2 x -1, that is...
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Jgreening...can you be any more of a fat pathetic cunt? You're like the dude from swingers who calls that girl's house almost 20 times as soon as he gets her number....except you have no friends.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-07-27 02:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seven shades of awesome.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-07-27 01:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I eat lead paint.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-27 01:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-27 01:18:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy crap do I look like that monkey.
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That's not a monkey, that's a canadian.
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2006-07-27 01:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funnier than the last time I shared a needle with a crack-whore.
Funnier than gargling dog vomit.
Funnier than fuck!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-27 01:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:24:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stevie, you make the baby Jesus have an anurism (fuck spelling) from laughing too hard.
So -2DIE for killing the baby Jesus.
-2 x -1, that is...
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Is it x -1 because he's dead now, or is it -1 because jeebus also loved phone calls.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-27 01:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy crap do I look like that monkey.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-27 01:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I'm serious that I'm going to kill Matt.
This is his only warning.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-07-27 00:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damm Steve. How do you come up with this shit?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DAMN DIRTY APE
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha
love it
it's like a GOOD episode of Crank Yankers.
those crazy muppets
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're just angry because the stamp ape stole your haircut. ahahahahaha
*runs*
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost choked on my snack pack.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90973
Fantasy Football, wooo!!!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stevie, you make the baby Jesus have an anurism (fuck spelling) from laughing too hard.
So -2DIE for killing the baby Jesus.
-2 x -1, that is...
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish you luck.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Now I am going back to porn.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Maritime call sealed it.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-26 22:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, I MIGHT be able to buy it here from this speciality magazine shop.
Might.
Just wait one more day and I'll go find out tomorrow.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-26 22:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
tomorrow I promise to mail you your magazine.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-07-26 22:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bubba camwhore http://www.ubersite.com/m/90963
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-26 22:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I request a voicewhore.
They're fun. Apparently, uber says I sound like a lilliputian prostitute, which is awesome.
I bet you sound like something different, but equally awesome.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-26 22:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Jaysis...
B@W!