Shameless Nath rip-off but far more inferior to The Man (Quite probably SPT) (432 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Story
Rating: 0.2 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Beano (View user info) at 2006-07-27 07:36:29 EDT
There I was happily working away, chatting with the chap who sits next to me.
The usual stuff. You know how it goes.
"We're glad your back, we were fucked without you. No work was getting done" etc etc.
And
"It's just no fun when you're off Beano"
And
"All the girls miss you"
Regular behaviour.
When all of a sudden the computers go down. And when I say go down I mean break. Not one application or programme works. My entire job is done using a damn computer, funnily enough I do the same job I did before they had computers but somehow now I can't do it without one.
"Fear not" I announce picking up my phones handset and punching in the (un)Help(Ful) Desk phone number. Which I might add is fucking complicated and you can't find on the web at the best of times least when the fucking computers are broken.
If I was the boss of the IT dept I'd make the number 1111 or 4444 or something equally similar, but oh no, not us, not our overpaid under worked IT dept. They make it 6579412 ext 45597. Or some shit.
Anyway I'm off, I'm dialling up.
"Hello there, May I take your USER ID"
So I tell the American man my user ID.
"Well hello Carlos, How may I help you today?"
This disturbs me.
One: I work in the UK so why I have to phone the US to fix my computer seems like a false economy. I was starting to fall out with IT.
Two: Because what information does he have available at his fingertips about me just from my user ID.
Three: My name isn't Carlos.
"Computers are broken. There are fifty people in this building who can't do any work"
"We are aware of that issue thank you. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Yeah, actually there is. You could maybe fix the computers"
Now forgive me if I am wrong but the IT dept are not a public announcement service.
"Get some engineers over to our building and fix this problem" I tell him. "There are fifty staff members over here who want to do some work"
"I doubt it" He says.
"What is that supposed to mean" I reply
"I doubt very much there are fifty people who are waiting to do some work. I think there are probably forty nine people listening to their iPods, media players and generally catching up on gossip and that you are the only one waiting to do some work"
"Just get some engineers over here" I'm starting to lose patients with this chap. I don't like Americans at the best of times and this guy is really starting to piss me off.
"Might do" He says and then hangs up.
I'm livid, I go around the office rounding up the staff, telling them what an arrogant fuck the American is, explaining about what IT people do all day long with the porn and the Uber and the Bored at Work.
We arm ourselves with Staplers and Staple Removers (de-staplisers?), the odd person has a plastic ruler and some have car keys and others still stilettos.
Across the car park we can see the engineers leaving their porta cabins. Fucking right place for them if you ask me. Temporary building that looks like giant toilets. Right up their street.
Trouble is they are armed with screwdrivers and soldering irons, electricity meters and keyboards.
It's going to be a slaughter.
I can't back down though. I've set out my stool and I refuse to surrender to these inhuman faceless bastards.
I can see my troops are starting to get worried, they have spied the superior weapons and can sense the confidence with which the IT's are swaggering across the gap between the buildings.
All I can do is front it out, act like we are still going to batter them into submission. It was all going to have to be about front from now on. I was going to suffer huge casualties. I'd probably end up in the history books for this one, and for all the wrong reasons.
Talk about WWI and 'going over the top'. This was going to be worse. Far far worse.
We started to take tentative steps towards them. There was maybe 75 feet between us. They started a low deep sound that with every step they took got louder and louder. It was pure intimidation tactics I was sure. I think it was working.
60 feet and I started up a war cry of our own (not to be outdone).
"Office Staff have no fear, drink your women and rape your beer!"
"That's wrong" Someone behind me said.
"What?" I replied
"That's wrong, it's rape your....."
I cut Jones off.
"Just sing the fucking song Jones!" I shouted Noticing that there was now only 40 feet between our two groups.
My troops were confused. They were starting to panic, not only were we poorly armed our lyrics were all wrong.
Most of them, I think, had accepted their fate. Made their personal peace, cast final thoughts to their families, and wondered who would get their desk by the window.
20 feet.
We could see the whites of their eyes.
All of a sudden the office temp, a nice kid who had only been with us a few weeks but was already showing signs of wanting to do well, flung open the building doors behind us.
I had visions of him coming to our aid with backup, being the hero of the hour and building his career on this one effort, this final push to support me and win over the evil IT.
"Computers are back up" He shouted.
User Reviews
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-11-29 15:43:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Congratulations.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2008-11-22 17:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Judgement (user info) at 2008-11-22 16:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-07-26 12:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by maf54 (user info) at 2008-05-14 05:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just to counter what that idiot Director did to you.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-13 18:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-07-28 03:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-27 19:46:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, this NerfHerder guy is kind of a jackass...
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Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-07-27 16:37:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
SPT = -2.
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That's cool, he's entitled to be a cock.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-07-28 03:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-07-27 23:53:46 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for writing this from the perspective of a typical fucking "User" (I.T speak for "Dumb fuck who cant figure out how to use a computer). I hate these ignorant fucks.
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Hit a nerve?
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-07-27 23:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for writing this from the perspective of a typical fucking "User" (I.T speak for "Dumb fuck who cant figure out how to use a computer). I hate these ignorant fucks.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-27 19:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, this NerfHerder guy is kind of a jackass...
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-07-27 16:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
SPT = -2.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-07-27 16:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-07-27 14:25:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can we call you Carlos from now on?
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You, young lady may call me Carlos.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-07-27 14:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can we call you Carlos from now on?
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-07-27 13:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-07-27 07:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-27 07:40:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
You got bogged down with the details
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Middle section?
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-07-27 07:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Three: My name isn't Carlos."
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-27 07:40:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You got bogged down with the details.