Fruit Salad and the Pirate. (894 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ReCall (View user info) at 2006-07-27 13:51:52 EDT
The Fruit Salad and The Pirate
From what I can remember I have never "craved" a food in my entire 23 year old existence. Sure I have FELT like eating a certain cuisine or a particular dish, but I never remember having an episode where I yearned for something I wanted to eat.
Not even pussy, you sick, sick bastards.
This all changed for me this morning.
I had planned on getting up around 8:00 a.m. to get an early start but a lady friend kept me up a little late. No biggie I thought, I would just sleep in. I'm on my own clock damn it.
God had other plans.
I didn't enjoy the kind of waking up process which consists of you rolling around a bit, enjoying the warmness of your blankets as you slowly come to your senses. The kind where you frantically kick and claw your way away from the suffocating abyss which is your tempurpedic.
I stood up and stretched, then slowly wiped the cold sweat from my brow. I look ed at the only light emitting source in the room: A digital alarm clock which held steady at 5:23 A.M.
"WTF," I said to myself in acronym.
Just then I then became suddenly aware of my physiological condition:
Sweaty palms and slightly shaky hands. My throat was itchy and dry. My mind was trying to tell me something. Tell me I need some type of nourishment. Unfortunately I'm not a fucking mind reader.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO BRAIN!?
*Silence*
Then it comes to me: I want fruit salad. And not just a regular fruit salad. Not your average, run of the mill, made it at home with a banana-and-some-tapioca-and-call-it-all-good fruit salad. Fuck that, my brain instructed me. You (I) deserve better.
This fruit salad had to have a jubilee of fruit. A festival of different berry's, drupes and hesperidiums. It at least had to have had grapes. Grapes and three other types of fruit.
That would be the bare minimum needed to satisfy my greedy, pregnant desire for fruit in a magical array of delicious.
I walked out into my kitchen and come to a startling conclusion: I never really eat fruit. The only thing I had close to fruit is my flamboyantly gay uncle.
I weigh my options and decide to not cut him up.
This time.
At this point I can feel my sympathetic nervous system come to life. My heart rate jumps 30 orders of magnitude and I crouch down.
"Fight or flight, bitch" I yell out loud.
It was time to shit or get off the pot. I needed to make something happen and feed my body what it called out for.
"Whatssssss going on out there sssssss?!" my homouncle yelled.
"Nothing, you lisping bastard," I retorted.
His speech never was the same after that car accident.
I splashed some water up into my face and realized I should probably just go to the store. They have big pre-made fruit salads right in the produce section.
After taking a long shower and doing some jumping jacks, I threw on a pair of Levis and a wife beater and jumped Boss Hogg style into my Volkswagen.
As I e-brake slid into the parking lot I realized I had made a grave error. The store did not open until 7:00 a.m.
I had almost half an hour to kill.
Four homeless guys later I walk into the supermarket with one goal: Fruit FUCKING Salad.
Of course my A.D.D gets the best of me and I end up in the cracker aisle for like half a fucking hour, thinking holy shit that's a lot of crackers. I regain control and calmly walk over to the pharmacy section and violently tear open a package of breath-right strips. I throw one on my huge Jew nose and realize I should have just gone with the duct tape. I was going to have to deal with it; play the hand that god dealt me. 2-7 off suit.
I broke into a full sprint. Knocking over Tostito displays, cart wheeling through the flower section. Nothing was going to stop me.
I finally reached the fruit salad section. I gazed down and felt like a midget who had just found his lucky charms.
I grabbed the largest fruit salad they had and calmly started my walk over to the checkout lanes. I noticed a dime-sized wet spot on my jeans. Not even pre-cum was going to stop me now. I had the dream of a million angels in hand. I was going to buy it, then I was going to fuck it. Eat it...I meant eat it.
There were three lanes open. One regular, two express. "Who the fuck is here at seven in the morning that they need three lanes" I pondered.
Apparently fucking everyone.
Not everyone actually, just a certain demographic: Old people and moms.
The regular lane had one person in it. Just one, but it was enough. This eager beaver soccer mom literally had a MOUNTAIN of products. Everything you can fucking think of: Lunchables, milk, eggs, flour, montreal steak seasoning, dog food, cat food, muffin mix, 30 rack of Milwaukee's Best, a wiffle ball bat that was on sale and 4 D batteries.
"Probably for her massive vibrator," I snickered.
"Uh-oh, there goes that pre-cum again" I thought as that dime turned into a half dollar.
After seeing this massive hurdle of a situation unfold before my chocolate brown eyes, I quickly moved onto the express lanes. Hell, they are called that for a reason.
No big deal.
I then caressed the sticky plastic container housing my tummy gold, slowly muttering "we will be together soon, precious" over and over.
The first express lane was not going to happen. It had three very, very old people. They smelled of Werthers Originals and Death. They were buying whatever old people buy: Depends, prune juice, k-y intimate spray, robot insurance. Also, they were paying with change. It's like they break open a new fucking piggy bank just to go grocery shopping. Save the god damn ceramic swine and get bank accounts YOU WASTEFUL FUCKS.
I glance over to the last express aisle and I see the finish line. It has only two people in it. I am still walking at this point so I can only make out the top of a woman's head as the person being checked out and there is one man behind her.
I commit to the aisle. I have to say this now: I am not a gambling man. Once i'm in that aisle I am part of that shopping community. I don't jump from aisle to aisle, hoping to save myself 3 seconds. Instead I choose to save my sanity. I choose life.
As I get in line I become aware of several things right off the bat:
First, this cunt bag in front of me has clearly violated the cardinal fucking rule of express lanes: 12 items or less. This whore had at least 18 items. Although this is enough to make a sane man stab her in the eye with a package of Rollos that was SO FUCKING EASILY WITHIN MY GRASP, I became very distracted.
The man in front of me was a curious character. Judging by the way he was dressed, mostly because I judge people on the way they look, he could have been one of two things: A fisherman, or a homeless person. He could have been both, for all I know or care. Maybe he fished in the winter and hobo'ed in the summer. Maybe he was a fall and spring man. No one would ever know.
All I know is, he was weird looking. He had a pockmarked, weathered face. He was wearing a big, smelly hobouflage coat and tattered jeans. This man was holding one item. A doughnut. I could see the chocolate glaze through the semi translucent white bag.
A doughnut from the supermarket? We live in New England. Dunkin' Doughnuts are fucking everywhere. Why the fuck would he come to the supermarket for a doughnut? Then it hit me.
This man had a craving and I knew just what he was going through. I tear of sympathy and understanding dribbled down my cheek.
As I was admiring the hardships and mental anguish this hobo-sea captain had to go through to get his doughnut, my attention was pulled away by the fuck bag of a woman who, after finally having her massive amount of items being scanned, takes out a check book. There are NO CHECK BOOKS ALLOWED IN EXPRESS AISLES. FUCK.
As this is happening I see my craving compadre in front of me notices this too and he then turns around to face me. When the following words were spoken, my world was turned upside down:
In the most original sounding pirate-like voice the man grumbled "This is the antithesis....of express, arrrrgg."
Without missing a beat I just muttered "Aye, Aye."
HoboBeard the Ruthless just shook his head twice in approval and turned back around, awaiting his turn to get his doughnut on.
This might have been an every day thing to him, but for me....hell.
I was a pirate for 3 seconds of my life. A real swashbuckling, fruit salad buying pirate. I had forgotten completely about the craving at this point and once I finally got outside after paying I realized I didn't even want fruit salad.
There was good reason for me not having fruit in my house in the first place. Fucking fruit.
What I really needed were some blueberry pancakes.
User Reviews
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:48:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty silly.
"I'm not a fucking mind reader."
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-11-09 11:26:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-09 10:42:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
did you toss the salad? with the sea hobo? sicko.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-28 00:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck Pirates, Ninja get what they want because they earned it.
Submitted by mc (user info) at 2006-07-27 23:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Without missing a beat I just muttered "Aye, Aye."
-awesome.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-27 20:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-07-27 16:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-07-27 16:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2006-07-27 16:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. Thanks.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-07-27 15:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"WTF," I said to myself in acronym.
+2 for that line alone.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-07-27 15:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read it.
Enjoyed it very much. No pre-cumstains though.
I mean it was good...
ok fine. I touched.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-07-27 15:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-07-27 15:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure awesome.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-07-27 14:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I normally dont get erections over fruit salad.....until now
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-27 14:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmmm.
Fuck this I am not reading all that.
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-07-27 14:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertaining.