ADD: Reverse Course (1546 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: fiction
Rating: 1.66 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sacrilicious (View user info) at 2006-07-28 12:12:00 EDT
Inspiration: http://www.ubersite.com/m/86047#1910367
Competition link: http://www.ubersite.com/m/91007
Scourge, I promised you a new version, and a new version you'll get. The audiobook will soon be available, solely to you, for your listening pleasure.
This is the story of Pablo, the lonely lemming.
Pablo was a lonely little lemming, who lived at the Jersey shore. You wouldn't think a lemming could be lonely, what with all the other lemmings around. But Pablo was lonely in his heart. He didn't think it was fun to go to all the same places as the other lemmings, and he sure didn't want to die in a watery grave after succumbing to peer pressure. He got bored digging stupid tunnels all day. Some of the tunnels were pretty sweet, they had bathrooms and everything. But the only games they had were for Atari 2600 and the rubber had been ripped off all the joysticks and someone spilled soda in Space Invaders. So Pablo was bored and sad.
Pablo's mom took him to the lemming doctor to see if he could make him happy again. But the doctor said that he didn't have any medicine for a broken spirit- except for booze, and Pablo was too young to drink legally. So he gave Pablo some medical marijuana for depression. The lemming doctor couldn't understand why people doctors didn't do that, because any lemming doctor worth his fur knew that fluffy buds made creatures smile a lot. It made Pablo smile, too. It also made him very hungry.
Pablo soon discovered that he had an obsession: peanut butter sammiches. While the other lemmings were content with their roots and berries, Pablo the pothead had to have himself some peanut butter. It was the only thing that cured his munchies.
All the other lemmings began to worry about Pablo's propensity toward independence and peanut butter sammiches. He kept to himself a lot. All he would do was try to learn to play Phish songs on his little lemming guitar. He was never any good, what with the sticky fingers. But still, it just wasn't how things were done in Lemmington, New Jersey.
One day, when all his friends were going to the beach, Pablo, having just enjoyed a wake-'n'-bake, had a strong craving for a sammich (incidentally, it HAD to be natural peanut butter. That sugary Peter Pan bullshit was for kids, and Pablo wanted to be his own man, to break the mold.)
So as the lemmings crossed the boardwalk on their run into the ocean that day, Pablo reversed his course- running his little lemming legs far from the others- and made a break for the grocery store.
He could almost taste the creamy, crunchy goodness..
and also, the freedom!
But just as he took a few steps inside the door, tragedy struck.
In his haste, Pablo bumped into a display case and knocked over a whole shelf of suntan oil- leaving the floor a slippery, coconut deathtrap-
For Pablo was allergic to coconuts.
Before he could even yell "OH NOES!" - His head asploded.
The moral of the story:
No, it's not "don't do drugs." Drugs are fun.
It's never, EVER break from the crowd.
Running into the ocean and drowning may be no picnic, but dying on the floor of a white trash beachtown grocery store really is the suxx0rz.
~fin~
User Reviews
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-24 19:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I'm drunk. Didn't read it.
Submitted by webcorona (user info) at 2007-01-09 11:26:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2007-01-08 15:03:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-07 21:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
'cause I keep seeing this title on MRR and thinking it's this.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-14 15:07:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Agreed. Same issues here. I can't shake the thought that getting paid for it would make me a prostitute in a way. Though on occasion, I've found myself in ridiculous phone conversations that took a turn, so I know I could get satisfaction from it in certain cases. It's definitely something to think about.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-08-14 14:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I considered it for a moment. It sounds like easy money. Of course I'd have to lie about my job to my family, boyfriend, and probably my new roommate but hey. I think it would be pretty easy to put on a "sexy voice" for a few hours a day. If I just closed my eyes and pictured someone hot on the other end of the line, and tried not to think of the probable reality, I might actually get off on it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-14 14:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As the Uber Boob-Off is likely to never get started, perhaps, then, a Phonesex-Off?
Either womenz auditioning their talents, or pairs of users attempting to produce the most illicit, or effective, or ridiculous, or foolish vocal wank fest in the known world.
Come on. Greening and adamdidit2u need to get their jollies somewhere.
You'll be keeping them off the streets and out of bars.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-14 14:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-08-14 14:07:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey lady, Monster is hiring phone sex operators. You should apply. I can't decide if I'm serious or not.
http://tinyurl.com/m22av
===
Hey- good lookin' out. I've considered it. I got an offer once. Stupid ethics. They're a thorn in my side. Translation: If you do it, I'll do it..
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-08-14 14:07:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey lady, Monster is hiring phone sex operators. You should apply. I can't decide if I'm serious or not.
http://tinyurl.com/m22av
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-12 08:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DOMO ARIGATO MR ROBOTO
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-12 08:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm just listening to a styx cd
so sorry.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-12 08:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is fantastic news.
So, is your secret like, a secret secret, or just a kinda secret?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-12 08:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so happy we are on good terms now.
I'm really a terrific and exciting guy, and shouldn't have internet enemies.
or not.
I'VE GOT A SECRET SECRET
(drum fills)
THANK YOU, THANK YOU WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-12 08:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry :(
I am a good girl and I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings.
Also, Hello Kitty is badass. It's a compliment, really.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-12 08:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'M BATMAN
that hello kitty comment struck a mortal wound in my soul and I have been emo ever since
I CANNOT SKATE IT OFF
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-12 07:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG ssshh don't tell anyone!!
um..I mean ooh ooh WHAT IS IT, WHAT IS IT?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-12 07:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I KNOW A SECRET SECRET
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-12 07:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2006-08-12 06:36:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because ADD was like fucking 2 weeks ago.
----------------------------------------------------------
That's what i got on my last ADD post. Same goes for you.
It's the uber way.
I see how it works here. the ones you hate you bring up bullshit rules and reasons to give them -2'z. The fags you like it doesn't matter right?
well fuck uber. Everyone gets -2's.
===
Wait, what?
Who are you?
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2006-08-12 06:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because ADD was like fucking 2 weeks ago.
----------------------------------------------------------
That's what i got on my last ADD post. Same goes for you.
It's the uber way.
I see how it works here. the ones you hate you bring up bullshit rules and reasons to give them -2'z. The fags you like it doesn't matter right?
well fuck uber. Everyone gets -2's.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-12 03:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-07 17:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-08-06 19:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-06 19:17:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wizards can fight, too. I know you've read Harry Potter. . .
-----
i saw the movie. that is all.
(i'm a "fake" nerd)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-06 19:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wizards can fight, too. I know you've read Harry Potter. . .
Here's a rare linkwhore. . . http://www.ubersite.com/m/91449
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-08-06 19:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bubba's not a wizard. he's a fighter. i covered that in my last post.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91422
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-06 17:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apology +2 for messing with your head. I'm not a bad man, just a bad wizard.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-29 08:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-07-28 14:39:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
You know that Lemmings (Lemmus sibericus) don't leap from cliffs. Some bastard heard they did, decided to make a documentry aboot it, they didnt do it so he herded them off a cliff...the evil sod.
---
Namely that CUNT Walt Disney.
Submitted by KimGordonsPanties (user info) at 2006-07-29 05:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sammich
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-28 22:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was perfect
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-07-28 17:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this ADD thing.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-28 15:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gofer- it's exactly like that!
Glad you like it, Matty.
Jeanneee & Bosh - I concur on all counts, except teh orange Flav-o-ice is my favoritist.
Whysen- thanks. I do think that a drug-addled lemming whose head asplodes is the perfect amount of cutesy.
TTOM- I read that. But they DO run into the ocean sometimes, right?
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-28 15:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lemmings is tasty.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-07-28 14:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know that Lemmings (Lemmus sibericus) don't leap from cliffs. Some bastard heard they did, decided to make a documentry aboot it, they didnt do it so he herded them off a cliff...the evil sod.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-07-28 14:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was not bad.
A little cutesy goes a long way, however.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My favorite munchies cure is green Fla-Vor-Ice. Maybe Pablo would still be alive today if someone had turned him on to those.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH.
NOES.
DAMNIT!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The letter 'N' is stupid.
I hate it.
I have trouble making a good looking capital 'N'. I don't know why. M's are ok and I have no trouble with 'W' which is kind of similar I guess. Lower case 'n's' aren't much of a problem. But God damn do I hate Upper 'N's. I usually try to write it in one fluid motion, so that the left most vertical line in an 'N' I draw bottom up. Then I come diagonally down from top left to bottom right, then finally up on the other side.. all without my pen leaving the paper. This is the only letter in the alphabet (that has at least one vertical line), where I use the technique of one motion for letter writing. Every other capital letter I have to pick my pen up and add where I left off.
Except 'W' ..but 'W' is cool.. its the only multi-syllable letter in the alphabet.
J's bother me too. Remind me of an asshole version of 'T'.
"oh look at me, i'm a 'T' except better, because I have this faggot half circle that goes to the left."
Yea right, bitch. You and 'N' can go fuck right off.
For this reason, New Jersey is my least favorite state.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the story of Pablo, the lonely lemming.
This was the first laugh for me.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH NOES!!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH HELL YEAH.
I used to prefer Peter Pan, but we feed th eboy the all natural stuff. I have grown quite fond of it. I still like Peter Pan for making cookies though.
This story has a special place in my heart. Yes it does. I lost the voicemail version of it when we got a new phone system in our office. I weeped that day...
So damn funny to see it resurrected here.
I loves ya, kid.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the moral of the story was to stay far, far away from Richard Gere's ass.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's 525, Peon. I didn't think scourge would mind, as Pablo's story has to be told.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That looks like alotta words there lady.
WTF I'm not pretendin to read all that!
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOO
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
+2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh* I need to remember the web address for my old website.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's like this one time where there was this one legged elf and she had this magical cloak which made everything except one leg invisible but because she only had one leg anyway she could use it to defeat the evil witch which was her mother and rescue the oompah loompahs with the assistance of her overly add assistant, a squirrel