ADD - I think you should smile (697 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.4 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-07-28 12:54:12 EDT
Birthday Cat, cheer up will you?
I will not tolerate a mopey puss-puss on this, his day of days, not with all the trouble I went through. No no - I will not have my cheese left out in the wind like the Rooney to your feline Ferris, rottweiler-bitten and beat to shit by a pre-nosejob Jennifer Gray (who I would totally do now, by the way, as she has addressed her nasal issues and now looks the part of a fine, upstanding tramp), nor will I play Robert Paulson or Bitch Tits to your pussified Tyler Durden, likely awake at all hours of the night devising scheme upon scheme to slice the nuts from my body in a petty attempt to exact revenge for last November's trip to the vet that left you a few ounces lighter and incapable of siring any more children.
IS IT NOT ENOUGH THAT FIFTEEN OF THE CATS ON OUR STREET LOOK LIKE YOU?
Besides, we both know you're a proper prick and don't take care of them. Oh yeah, like that one can of tuna was enough for all three litters. Do you know how many the mothers wound up eating themselves? Eight. Yeah, way to be respons—don't you dare give me that look, asshole! You want cake? Presents? Then make like a donut and shut the fuck up. Deadbeat.
Yeah, go ahead. Spritz piss all you want, it's not gonna bother me. I got those stain free pants from Gap, mofo - your ureters are just going to dribble down my leg like trucker semen on my ex-wife's face as she glory holes for cash somewhere off of I-95, squatting on an old, unwashed traffic cone in front of a little black circle someone carved years ago, bouncing on it, keeping her steeze warm and open in case someone wants to slip her a $50 for an anonymous throw, do-it-yourself-abortion kit beside her ("just in case," she'd likely say - that bitch was nothing if not practical) and a can of Fresca on the toilet seat to wash the taste of disease from her lips before the next slab of chaffed penos comes slipping through the darkness. Sure, it felt strange to use meet her in the Franklin Delano Roosevelt Rest Stop on the way up to Boston in the winter, but you know what Birthday Cat? I manned up, stuck my dick back through the glory hole and finished anyway. Because that's what a man does when faced with a responsibility.
And now we come to yours, at last. The cake, baked like stoners at a Frisbee golf tournament, sits at the ready. Presents, wrapped and loaded with goodness for you and you alone. I give because I love, despite your indifference. Now make daddy proud and smile like you mean it. Go on, tear into 'em.
That's it.
Wait.
Don't you dare give me that look.
Don't you even think about pouncing, you little shit, don't you da—AH, MY GROIN!
I FUCKING HATE YOU BIRTHDAY CAT!
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-28 22:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-07-28 22:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a +2 because my ex-girlfriend just keyed my car
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-07-28 21:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Helmut Cat is a poser
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-07-28 21:09:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What about Helmut cat vs. Birthday cat vs. ceiling cat?
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-07-28 18:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.villagehatshop.com/rhs_birthday_cake_hat.html
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-28 17:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-07-28 17:22:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this ADD thing. Even for this
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I'll submit something 'for reals' next week.
This, given the history of the day, was too good to pass up.
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-07-28 17:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this ADD thing. Even for this.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-07-28 15:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Birthday Cat Auto +2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-07-28 15:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ROSES ARE #FF0000
VIOLETS are #0000FF
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011100100000011001100110111101110010001000000111100101101111011101010101010101110101010010100011101010
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-07-28 14:54:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
One post a day, n00b.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:55:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NEW COMPETITION!!! http://www.ubersite.com/m/88427 NEW COMPETITION!!!
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Now that is some hate on ones ex-wife!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This looks very much like something posted last year.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i once killed a hooker on I-95. she got a little toothy on the half 'n half, so i punched her in the face and knocked out all her teeth.
i don't care what anyone says, blood is a great lubricant.
well at that point, i figured the same would be true for her vagina. except no one ever told me that vaginas bleed like niagra falls. although, looking at the female menstrual cycle, i guess i should've expected it. either way, i thought she was passed out and the lucidity was really turning me on. turns out she was dead.
is it wrong that i celebrated the freebie with a beer?
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs more elderly nuns being raped by the severed penis of a priest on Christmas morning.
SHITTER'S FULL!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh rest assured...it IS poetry, meatgazer. It is.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was actually expecting poetry.
CLICK THIS, MOTHER BITCH: http://www.ubersite.com/m/91068
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So do I, v8. So do I. I'm allergic, really.
But I love to laugh at them.
And to make a general clarification: This isn't me in the shot, nor is it my cat. The part about the glory hole ex-wife is completely true, though.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:17:10 (#)
Ranking: -2
I fucking hate cats.
==========
I fucking hate shitty post and lame reviewers, ie YOU, YOU BAG OF SHIT.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit eating shit eater that was hilarious. You remind me of my friend Phil whom I call Philbo Baggins, Philb, phillipe, Peanut Butter(PB are his initials), Bart, Philly, and sometimes Phil. He fucking rocks like cocks at a strip club. He's probably more man than you cause he plays DnD and owns an xbox 360. You got nothing. He's the type of man that will say things like "I used the libretta on the Lich" or and I'm not sure how to spell this "you quaf? the potion" why not just say book instead of libretta or say drink instead of quaf. You know but I like the way he talks like a man of art and stone blasted together to make a super man in a world gone mad by jelly beans. Anyway Phils cool so I guess your cool and everyone will be cooler for reading this. That's my endorsement and trade mark this day forth. Read it and you will be cooler.(tm)
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I fucking hate cats.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:03:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 FILENAME
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
golden.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOO ADD
Great post, here is mine...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91034
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 FILENAME
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect.
I love that birthday cat.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Helmut Cat v. Birthday Cat v. Ceiling Cat
Now that is a battle for the ages.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Helmut Cat Vs. Birthday Cat - who would win?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
15 kittens in a YEAR? You're quite the tomcat.
I LOVE YOU, BIRTHDAY CAT, YOU ORNERY FELINE BASTARD!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-07-28 12:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Competition post - http://www.ubersite.com/m/91007
So much for my getting this posted exactly one year after the cat's last birthday.