A.D.H.D. -- The camera I found in the taxi cab. (728 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 1.53 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wardy and his bucket of tricks (View user info) at 2006-07-28 13:01:43 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91007
So the other day it was one of my good friend's birthdays, and as a result I filled my obligatory role as his counterpart and got him really fucking drunk. Not the kind of drunk where you are going around asking fat chicks to dance and come back to your place, but the kind of drunk where you just start asking girls their age. Going to prison and getting raped in the ass is way worse than having to deal with your friends saying 'Dude, did she play for the Rams?'
Unless you're gay, then I guess it would kind of work out for you. Especially if you're into that whole BDSM scene, like my uncle was.
I don't mean to say 'obligatory' like it was a chore to go out and get drunk with my friends, but it was a week night, and as it is summer break, I'm working like whore on a Friday night. Not the cheap kind of whores, they work all the time, but the really good kind that you have to like take out to dinners and movies - some people call them girlfriends.
Fuck that.
See the thing is, I used to not have a problem going out every weeknight with my buddies and then going into work the next morning. Sure I might slur my words for the first few hours and reek of crap vodka, but I could still get the job done. But not this summer. Unfortunately this summer I'm working the early morning shift in a warehouse, which means I have to be up and out the door at three in the morning.
And I'm not complaining, I mean I just bought a new car (Audi A4 1.8T, it's fast as shit and way better than my previous 1989 Mercury Grand Marquis), and I don't mind the job. Except for when it's hot.
The last few days it's been so hot you could taste the dick off a dog's tongue three miles away.
I think there should be a rule that when it's three in the morning the temperature should not be above 80. But that's what it was the other day. 84 degrees. If I could punch the sun in the face I would, but everyone knows only the moon has a face. At any rate, the warehouse doesn't have any fans or air conditioning, so when it gets hot, the air doesn't move very well.
As a result of the high temperatures, the emphasis was on drinking water and staying hydrated. Good thing because I needed something to flush out all the booze that were still in my system.
Manager: And remember folks, drink plenty of water. You can never drink too much water.
Me: Umm, actually you can.
Manager: No you can't, you'll just sweat it out or go to the bathroom.
Me: What do you call drowning?
Manager: You really aren't drinking the water though, when you drown you are forced to drink the water because you are trying to breath.
Me: Kind of like Chinese water torture?
Manager: No, get back to work.
Jake (He's the guy that is sitting next to me): Can't you get water poisoning?
Manager: ....
Nick: Yeah, I think you can get water poisoning, I heard about a guy getting it a few months ago down in Chicago or something.
Manager: Okay. Maybe. I don't know, but—
Me: Well don't you think you should find out? If I get water poisoning after taking your advice, you might find yourself in a very actionable position.
Manager: ....
I wasn't trying to be difficult, I just can't die yet. I have no intentions of going to hell, and something tells me that God has his finger on the 'Fuck you' button and is just waiting to push it. Regardless, I made it through the day without dying, which I guess means I'm still winning.
Me - 8107 God - 0
Oh, after I got my friend drunk we decided to get a taxi home because walking seven miles just seemed stupid and we couldn't remember where we parked our car. Plus, I'm not strong enough to carry an ugly woman on my back for that long. Maybe a hot one, but who are we kidding, it's me we're talking about.
So yeah, I guess I'll upload those pictures or something sometime. I don't know, I work a lot so it's tough for me to find the time to do that kind of shit, much less go out on weeknights. And who has time for MySpace anyways?
I heard MySpace gives you cancer.
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-08-06 16:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-07-29 23:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Him name is hopkin green frog
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-07-29 23:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PS- I WILL FIND MY FROG!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-29 20:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Look at him- just lurking behind that 'f'.. *shudder*
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-07-29 08:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-07-28 14:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I got mad when I saw that I could not use that image for commercial use.
Damn.
I was gon git ritch.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-07-28 14:43:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-07-28 14:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:32:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
"The last few days it's been so hot you could taste the dick off a dog's tongue three miles away."
+2 for that line right there.
=================
This reminded me of my childhood on Ritalin.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NEW COMPETITION!!! http://www.ubersite.com/m/88427 NEW COMPETITION!!!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, they're fun as hell to drive.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have the 2.0T quattro.
brand spanking new.
i like it more than my last car the 325i BMW.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
totally.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you don't count dialogue, the word count is 1140. Go figure. After figuring, you'll probably find that you're craving a mayonaisse sandwich, like the ghetto kids eat. And the fat chicks. Which brings me to my point: any time you see a really fat chick, what you're looking at is usually 2/3 actual weight and 1/3 mayo weight. Now, some of that 2/3 can include Miracle Whip, because that's not real mayo. You know what I mean?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:33:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
SHENANIGANS!! Word Count: 800
**morphs into R. Lee Ermy**
500 WORDS, WARDY!! DID YOU NOT GET THE FUCKING MEMO? DID YOU NOT READ THE RULES? DO YOU JUST NOT FUCKING CARE BECAUSE YOU'RE AN APATHETIC TURKEY FUCKER? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF MY BELOVED UBERSITE? DID YOU EXPECT GOD TO TELL YOU THAT YOU WERE NEARING YOUR BARRIER OR DID YOU JUST COMPLETELY IGNORE HIM AND CONTINUE CLACKING AWAY AT YOUR KEYBOARD? HUH? ANSWER ME, YOU FESTERING PIECE OF MONKEY SHIT BEFORE I RIP OFF YOUR NOSE AND HANG IT FROM MY REAR VIEW MIRROR!!
------------------
apathetic turkey fucker? i'll have you know i never fuck anything apathetically, it usually involves a good deal of vigor, spit, and myself. but that's not the point. the point is i don't make the rules, i just break them. and today i decided to break the rules, except unlike that landis guy i'm not going to get my shit pushed in for it. so how about you get off my ass before i get all angry and start typing in capital letters and rubbing myself furiously because anger excites me and i like to live dangerously. YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT NOW WOULD YOU!?!?
...
i have to go change, i'll be right back.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what is this, amatuer hour? amatuer, amateur? amature?
----------------
And now I have to kill you.
**SLOWLY LOADS SHOTGUN**
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHENANIGANS!! Word Count: 800
**morphs into R. Lee Ermy**
500 WORDS, WARDY!! DID YOU NOT GET THE FUCKING MEMO? DID YOU NOT READ THE RULES? DO YOU JUST NOT FUCKING CARE BECAUSE YOU'RE AN APATHETIC TURKEY FUCKER? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF MY BELOVED UBERSITE? DID YOU EXPECT GOD TO TELL YOU THAT YOU WERE NEARING YOUR BARRIER OR DID YOU JUST COMPLETELY IGNORE HIM AND CONTINUE CLACKING AWAY AT YOUR KEYBOARD? HUH? ANSWER ME, YOU FESTERING PIECE OF MONKEY SHIT BEFORE I RIP OFF YOUR NOSE AND HANG IT FROM MY REAR VIEW MIRROR!!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The last few days it's been so hot you could taste the dick off a dog's tongue three miles away."
+2 for that line right there.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
scourge -- yeah, i haven't been on uber much lately on account of all the damn voices in my head saying shit like 'if you go on uber, we'll fuck your mom all night long.' i didn't want to fuck my mom, so i tried to steer clear. but then when i saw this little gem, i had to dig in.
so yeah...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
771 my ass. i bet you used the dialogue in that word count. rookie. everyone knows that you can't use dialogue in the word count because it's dialogue, not words. what is this, amatuer hour? amatuer, amateur? amature? no, that's not right. not like 'fucking your best friend's sister' not right, but more like 'i fucked the cat' not right. i mean, you can fuck your friend's sister all you want. but if you fuck a cat, well that's just wrong. i mean, what the hell do you do if she gets pregnant and starts having half-cat kittens? is there even such a thing? GOD WOULD BE PISSED!! could her uterus even take it? do cats have uteruses? i bet it'd explode. and then you've got a real mess on your hands: dead fetuses and a pissed off God. last time that happened we had the holocaust. you don't want that shit on your hands, believe me.
so yeah.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this comp might appeal to wardy. Just hd a suspicion is all...
I wish I had a 'Fuck You' button.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FILENAME
Here is my weak attempt...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91034
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-07-28 13:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck this, there is no way that is 500 words...
ctrl 'c', open word.
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
FUCKING SLOW ASS WORK PC
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
ctrl 'v'
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
Fuck, Finally, 'Tools', 'Word Count'
AHA, Just as I suspected, 771.
CHEATER