I thought this week would be about death.... (1804 hits)
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Submitted by coley (View user info) at 2006-07-30 16:25:00 EDT
But it's not, it's about life.
That's the thought that came to me loud and clear on Friday afternoon, while I was walking with a few thousand strangers at the local college track.
Friday at noon, our local Relay for Life event kicked off. Relay for Life is an annual event that takes place in hundreds of locations across the country (and even around the world), in which participants form teams and fundraise all year to raise money for cancer research, counseling programs, etc. The actual Relay event lasts 24 hours, and consists of gathering at a place like the local college and camping out and keeping a team member on the track (holding the baton, in true relay fashion) at all times. There are games and activities, music, prizes, and food. There are also a lot of tears and hugs as people talk about loved ones who are fighting cancer, have beat it, or have lost the battle with it.
A lot has changed since last year. Last year, I signed up for Relay to walk for my friend Jason. Jason had malignant melanoma. He passed away in September, at the age of 26, after fighting like hell through the chemo and radiation. I miss him so much. Since last year's Relay, not only did we lose Jason, but three more individuals I know have been diagnosed with breast cancer: my stepmom, the elderly woman I am a caregiver for, and her daughter. With these changes in mind, I thought this year's Relay was going to be a difficult one to go through: so many ceremonies and candles and tears and things.
As I mentioned, I am a caregiver for an elderly woman. I have been a caregiver for just shy of six years, and I have been working with this woman specifically for about two and a half years. She is paralyzed from an auto accident about 8 years ago, and has a catheter, is bedridden, etc (she is 85). She also has Alzheimer's/dementia and msot recently was diagnosed with breast cancer. Well, originally, myself and my coworkers were hired on to care for her. As time went on, we found ourselves to be caregivers for two people: her and her husband. Her husband, Mike, had a long list of ailments including mainly congestive heart failure. That meant that his heart was weak and inefficient, and needed a pacemaker to keep it beating. He also was on diuretics to flush out the water he would retain in his legs and feet, and lungs, that his heart was too weak to keep circulating on its own. He also was on oxygen, using a nasal cannula (like you see on people in the hospital in all those great medical shows) and was very dependent on it.
This last week was a tough one. I'd been anticipating Relay all year, and here it was, looming just ahead. Saturday was the day I really knew that things were going to be different. Specifically Saturday night at 2:30 in the morning when he took his oxygen off and I tried to catch him, to stop his 6'2" 235 lb frame from falling to the floor as his oxygen-starved body shut down. I tried, but I couldn't. So I slowed him down the best I could and gave it back, his oxygen, and to make a long story short, the fire department is wonderful and they are better at picking up big guys off of the floor.
And then he fell again a few days later. Right on his forehead. And didn't make sense. And wasn't eating. And couldn't stand up on his own. And soon enough he was in bed, not responding to anyone. We did the best we could, me and the other girls. He had always said "I'm not afraid to die. I've lived a long, wonderful life with a great wife and two daughters I love very much and I am proud of."
He also said his only two regrets about dying would be that his jokes would go with him, and that he wouldn't be able to tell everyone "I told you so" about so many things.
He passed away last night at midnight.
So when I go in to work tomorrow; there won't be any more jokes. There won't be any more requests for a second bowl of ice cream, commentary on the latest political headline, or story about how he used to sell the Saturday Evening Post to President Truman, or worked on the Blue Book government UFO project, or saw the whirling dervishes in Turkey in the sixties. There won't be any more stories about sailing on their sailboat off the east coast when the girls were little, working as a mining engineer, or being a professor at his alma mater. There won't be any more Mike.
So as I walked that track at Relay, the day before Mike would pass away, I didn't know when he would go. I knew it would be soon, but soon is always sooner than you are ready for. You are really never ready. I knew that it would be hard, thinking about Jason and his battle with cancer being lost. What I didn't realize was that the more important thread that ran through all of these thoughts in my head; the more valuable thing to realize, was that these lives we mourn are not the main event. Death is inevitable, we all know this. We have all heard that it is part of the circle of life. But really realizing, really seeing in a moment of clarity, that it is about the living - that is quite a feeling to have come over you.
Cancer survivors took a victory lap at Relay on Friday evening. They all had purple shirts with the word "survivor" emblazoned on the backs. We all applauded as they circled. The crowd just kept coming. There were hundreds of them. Little old ladies being pushed in wheelchairs, couples both wearing Survivor shirts and holding hands. There was a survivor pushing her daughter in a stroller with a sign that said "My mom is a survivor, and now she can watch me graduate from college". There was a whole group of little kids, just tiny innocent kids, who were survivors.
And we clapped. And we cheered them on. And after the whole event was done on Saturday afternoon, I went to work to visit "my old man" Mike. His breathing was starting to change, you know what they say about that rattle. Well it was starting. And I thought about fighting, and living, and valuing what you have while it is here. And I kissed his hand and told him I loved him, and I took a deep breath and I got in my car.
I took the back way home, the way that winds through the hills past the river and the old farmhouse with the windmill. I rolled my window down and held my hand out, and the sun was warm and the music was loud and the feeling was good.
Because I thought this week would be all about death, but it wasn't.
It was about life.
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This is a picture I took about three weeks ago, of a bee on a flower. I thought it was beautiful. After I took the picture, I realized the bee hadn't moved in a while. I touched the flower, and the bee didn't try to fly away. It wasn't alive. But it was still beautiful.
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-18 22:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Maltese:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHHAAH
I've seen that shit a million times, but it made me laugh anyhow.
Thanks asshole.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-01-18 18:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nigga plz!!!
BUT ITS NOT ITS ABOUT LIEF
LOL AT NON OUR LOCAL R3LAY FOR LIEF 3V3NT KIK3D OF1!1!! OMG WTF RELAY FOR LIEF IS AN ANUAL EVANT TAHT TAEKS PLAEC IN HUNDREDS OF LOCATIONS ACROS DA COUNTRY (AND EV3N AROUND TEH WORLD) IN WHICH PARTICIPANTS FORM TEMS AND FUNDRASEE AL YAAR 2 RASEE MON3Y FOR CANCAR R3S3ARCH COUNSELNG PROGRMS ATC!1!1 WTF TEH ACTUAL R3LAY 3VENT LASTS 24 HOURS AND CONSISTS OF GATH3RNG AT A PLAEC LIEK TEH LOCAL COLEGE AND CMPNG OUT AND KEPNG A TAM M3MBR ON TEH TRAK (HOLDNG DA BA2N IN TRUE R3LAY FASHION) AT AL TIEMS1!11!!1 LOL THEYRE R GMAS AND ACTIVITEIS MUSIC PRIEZS AND FOD!!!1!11 OMG WTF LOL THEIR R ALSO A LOT OF TAARS AND HUGS AS P3OPL3 TOK ABOUT LOV3D ONAS WHO R FIGHTNG CANCAR HAEV BAT IT OR HAEV LOST TEH BATLA WIT IT
A111!1111 OMG LOT HAS CHANG3D SINCE LAST YEAR1!!!!!! WTF LOL LAST YAAR I SIGN3D UP FOR RELAY 2 WOK FOR MAH FREIND JASON11!!11!1 WTF LOL JASON HAD MALIGNANT M3LANOMA!!!1! OMG WTF H3 PAS3D AWAY IN SEPTEMBR AT DA AEG OF 26 AFTAR FIGHTNG LIEK HAL THROUGH DA CHEMO AND RADIATION1!11!1!1 OMG WTF I MIS HIM SO MUCH!11!!1 OMG SINC3 LAST YEARS R3LAY NOT ONLY DID WE LOSE JASON BUT THRE MOR3 INDIVIDUALS I KNOW HAEV B3N DIAGNOS3D WIT BR3AST CANC3R MAH STEPMOM TEH ALDERLY WOMAN IM A CAERGIEVR FOR AND HER DAUGHTAR1!1!11 WIT TH3S3 CHANG3S IN MIND I THOUGHT THIS Y3ARS R3LAY WAS GONG 2 B A DIFICULT ONE 2 GO THROUGH SO MANY CEREMONEIS AND CANDL3S AND TEARS AND THNGS
AS!111!11 OMG I MENTIONED IM A CAERGIEVR FOR AN 3LDERLY WOMAN!1!!!!11 OMG WTF LOL I HAEV BAN A CAERGIEVR FOR JUST SHY OF SIX YEARS AND I HAEV BEN WORKNG WIT THIS WOMAN SP3CIFICALY FOR ABOUT TWO AND A HALF Y3ARS1!1!!111 OMG SHA IS PARALYZED FROM AN AU2 ACIEDNT ABOUT 8 YAARS AGO AND HAS A CATH3T3R IS BDRIDAN ETC (SH3 IS 85)!111!!!1 LOL SHE ALSO HAS ALZHEIEMRS/D3M3NTIA AND MSOT RACENTLY WAS DIAGNOSED WIT BR3AST CANCER111!!!1 OMG WTF LOL WEL ORIGINALY MYSELF AND MAH COWORKERS W3R3 HIERD ON 2 R FOR HER!!!!! OMG AS TIEM W3NT ON W3 FOUND OURSELVES 2 B CAERGIEVRS FOR TWO PEOPL3 H3R AND HER HUSBAND!111! OMG WTF HER HUSBAND MIEK HAD A LONG LIST OF ALEMANTS INCLUDNG MANELY CONGESTIEV HEART FALEURE1!!1111! TAHT M3ANT TAHT HIS HEART WAS W3AK AND IENFICEINT AND NEDED A PAECMAEKR 2 KEP IT BATNG111!1! LOL HE ALSO WAS ON DIURETICS 2 FLUSH OUT TEH W8R H3 WUD RATANE IN HIS LEGS AND FET AND LUNGS TAHT HIS HEART WAS 2 WEAK 2 KEP CIRCULATNG ON ITS OWN!!!1 OMG LOL HE ALSO WAS ON OXYGEN USNG A NASAL CANULA (LIEK U SE ON P3OPLA IN DA HOSPITAL IN AL THOSE GR3AT M3DICAL SHOWS) AND WAS VERY DEPEND3NT ON IT
THIS!!1!! WTF LAST WEK WAS A 2UGH ONA111! OMG WTF LOL ID BEN ANTICIPATNG RELAY AL Y3AR AND HARE IT WAS LOMNG JUST AEHAD!!11 WTF SATURDAY WAS TEH DAY I RILLY NU TAHT THNGS W3RE GONG 2 B DIF3RANT!!11!1! LOL SP3CIFICALY SATURDAY NIGHT AT 230 IN DA MORNNG WH3N H3 2K HIS OXYG3N OF AND I TREID 2 CATCH HIM 2 S2P HIS 62 235 LB FRMA FROM FALNG 2 TEH FLOR AS HIS OXYGEN-STARVED BODY SHUT DOWN!11!111! I TREID BUT I CUDNT!!!1!!!1 SO I SLOWED HIM DOWN DA BST I CUD AND GAEV IT BAK HIS OXYGAN AND 2 MAEK A LONG S2RY SHORT DA FIER D3PARTMENT IS WONDERFUL AND THEY R BTER AT PIKNG UP BIG GUYS OF OF DA FLOR
AND!!1! WTF TH3N HE FEL AGANE A FEW DAYS L8R!!1!1!1 LOL RIGHT ON HIS FORAHEAD111! OMG WTF LOL AND DIDNT MAEK SENS3!11!11!! WTF AND WASNT 3ATNG!!1!! WTF AND CUDNT STAND UP ON HIS OWN1!!!! AND SON ENOUGH HE WAS IN BD NOT RESPONDNG 2 ANYON3111!111 WTF WE DID TEH BST WA CUD MA AND TEH OTHAR GIRLS1111111 OMG WTF LOL HE HAD ALWAYS SADE IMM NOT AFRADE 2 DEI1!111111 OMG WTF LOL IVE LIEVD A LONG WONDERFUL LIEF WIT A GRAAT WIEF AND TWO DAUGHT3RS I LOVA VARY MUCH AND IM PROUD OF
H3!1!!1!1! OMG WTF LOL ALSO SADE HIS ONLY TWO REGR3TS ABOUT DYNG WUD B TAHT HIS JOKAS WUD GO WIT HIM AND TAHT H3 WUDNT B ABLE 2 TEL 3VARYONE I 2LD U SO ABOUT SO MANY THNGS
HE1!!! OMG PASED AWAY LAST NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT
SO!!!!11!! LOL WH3N I GO IN 2 WORK 2MOROW THEIR WONT B ANY MORE JOKES!!11 LOL THEIR WONT B ANY MORA R3QUASTS FOR A S3COND BOWL OF IEC CRAM COMENTARY ON DA LAETST POLITICAL HAADLIEN OR S2RY ABOUT HOW HE USAD 2 SEL DA SATURDAY EVANNG POST 2 PRESIEDNT TRUMAN OR WORK3D ON TEH BLUA BOK GOVERNM3NT UFO PROJACT OR SAW DA WHIRLNG DERVISHAS IN TURKEY IN TEH SIXTEIS!1!!!1!1 OMG WTF LOL THEYRE WONT B ANY MORA S2REIS ABOUT SALENG ON THERE SALEBOAT OF TEH 3AST COAST WH3N TEH GIRLS W3RE LITL3 WORKNG AS A MINNG ENGIENER OR BNG A PROFESOR AT HIS ALMA M8R111! WTF LOL THEIR WONT B ANY MORE MIEK
SO1!!11!! OMG WTF AS I WOK3D TAHT TRAK AT R3LAY DA DAY BFORA MIEK WUD PAS AWAY I DIDNT KNOW WH3N HE WUD GO1!!1!1!! LOL I NU IT WUD B SON BUT SON IS ALWAYS SONER THAN U R R3ADY FOR1!1111 OMG LOL U R RILLY NEVER RAADY!!!1!!!1 WTF I NU TAHT IT WUD B HARD THINKNG ABOUT JASON AND HIS BATL3 WIT CANC3R BNG LOST1!1111 OMG WTF LOL WUT I DIDNT REALIEZ WAS TAHT DA MORE IMPORTANT THR3AD TAHT RAN THROUGH AL OF TH3S3 THOUGHTS IN MAH H3AD TEH MORA VALUABL3 THNG 2 R3ALIEZ WAS TAHT THASE LIEVS WE MOURN R NOT TEH MANE 3VENT!1!1!1! OMG WTF LOL DEATH IS IENVITABLE WE AL KNOW THIS!1!11!!! OMG LOL WE HAEV AL HEARD TAHT IT IS PART OF DA CIRCLE OF LIEF!111!!1 BUT RILLY REALIZNG RILLY SENG IN A MOMANT OF CLARITY TAHT IT IS ABOUT DA LIVNG - TAHT IS QUIET A FELNG 2 HAEV COMA OVAR U11!1 OMG LOL SURVIVORS 2K A VIC2RY LAP AT RELAY ON FRIDAY EVENNG!!1!!! OMG WTF LOL THAY AL HAD PURPLE SHIRTS WIT TEH WORD SURVIVOR EMBLAZONED ON TEH BAKS111!! OMG LOL WA AL APLAUD3D AS TH3Y CIRCLED111!11 OMG WTF TEH CROWD JUST K3PT COMNG1!1!1! LOL THEYRE WARE HUNDREDS OF THEM!1!!!11! OMG LOL LITLE OLD LADEIS BNG PUSH3D IN WHELCHARES COUPLES BOTH WEARNG SURVIVOR SHIRTS AND HOLDNG HANDS!!11 OMG WTF LOL THEYRE WAS A SURVIVOR PUSHNG HER DAUGHT3R IN A STROL3R WIT A SIGN TAHT SADE MAH MOM IS A SURVIVOR AND NOW SHA CAN WATCH ME GRADUAET FROM COL3GE!1!!!1 OMG WTF LOL THEIR WAS A WHOL3 GROUP OF LITLE KIDS JUST TINY INOCANT KIDS WHO W3R3 SURVIVORS
AND11!11 WTF LOL WE CLAP3D1!11!1! WTF LOL AND W3 CHER3D THEM ON!!1!!11 OMG WTF LOL AND AFTAR DA WHOLA EVENT WAS DONE ON SATURDAY AFT3RNON I WANT 2 WORK 2 VISIT MAH OLD MAN MIEK!111!1! HIS BR3ATHNG WAS STARTNG 2 CHANGE U KNOW WT SAY ABOUT TAHT RATL3!!!!1!!1 WTF LOL WAL IT WAS STARTNG111111!! OMG AND I THOUGHT ABOUT FIGHTNG AND LIVNG AND VALUNG WUT U HAEV WHIEL IT IS HERE1!!!!1!1 AND I KISED HIS HAND AND 2LD HIM I LOV3D HIM AND I 2K A DEP BRAATH AND I GOT IN MAH CAR
I1111 OMG WTF LOL 2K TEH BAK WAY HOMA TEH WAY TAHT WINDS THROUGH TEH HILS PAST TEH RIEVR AND DA OLD FARMHOUSA WIT DA WINDMIL!!!!11! WTF I ROL3D MAH WINDOW DOWN AND H3LD MAH HAND OUT AND TEH SUN WAS WARM AND TEH MUSIC WAS LOUD AND DA FELNG WAS B/C11!!!1 I THOUGHT THIS WEK WUD B AL ABOUT DEATH BUT IT WASNT
IT!!!1!1 OMG LOL WAS ABOUT LIEF
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THIS1!1! OMG LOL IS A PICTURE I 2K ABOUT THRE WEKS AGO OF A BE ON A FLOW3R11!1 WTF LOL I THOUGHT IT WAS BAUTIFUL!!111!!1 OMG AFTAR I 2K DA PICTURE I REALIEZD DA BE HADNT MOVAD IN A WHIEL!!11! OMG I 2UCHED DA FLOWER AND TEH B3 DIDNT TRY 2 FLY AWAY1!1111! OMG LOL IT WASNT ALIEV1!!!1! LOL BUT IT WAS STIL BAUTIFUL!!!!!11 OMG WTF LOL
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-09 16:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
smiles..
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2006-11-19 14:41:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's good they are because i would've missed them otherwise, you've written some quality stuff coley
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-19 14:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, ok then. :)
I got scurred when I saw people were going through my old posts..but I'm glad yall are likin them.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2006-11-19 14:28:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-06 20:11:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, Newty. :(
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in a good way
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-19 14:14:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Newty, same here.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-11-06 20:11:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, Newty. :(
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2006-11-06 16:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this seriously made me cry
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-06 15:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a belly button
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-11-06 15:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for linking me to this.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-10 12:23:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks UnderOathMeal, Feety, Bubba and Rob.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-09 21:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-09 21:21:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-09 20:07:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
WOOO!
Now that the +2 streak has been broken, I can safely give this post the rating it truly deserves!
_______________________
What is truly deserved is your immediate death, fuckstick.
This is an excellent post, better than you could ever do.
Submitted by Feety (user info) at 2006-09-09 21:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm pro-life too, miss coley. at least until i get born.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-09 21:21:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-09 20:07:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
WOOO!
Now that the +2 streak has been broken, I can safely give this post the rating it truly deserves!
_______________________
What is truly deserved is your immediate death, fuckstick.
This is an excellent post, better than you could ever do.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-09 20:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WOOO!
Now that the +2 streak has been broken, I can safely give this post the rating it truly deserves!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-09-09 19:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Easily one of my favorite posts on this site.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-09-09 19:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great writing.
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-09-09 19:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sweet story.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-08-11 01:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-10 17:38:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll have you know I was well into breading chicken at work last night when this post came to mind.
So in effect I was thinking about your sack.
And then I fried it up and fed it to the old lady.
THE CHICKEN, DAN, THE CHICKEN
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Just to know that you were thinking of my balls, brings a smile to my face. Call me you vapid bint.!!
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-08-10 20:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't ever leave.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-08 20:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Word.
Gracias.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-08-08 19:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-08 14:40:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am both amused and disgusted at the same time.
Now, I believe the key to preventing seminal fluid coagulation whilst in the showering unit is proper water temperature. The higher the water temperature, the faster the rate at which said jizz will attach itself to thine leg hair, feet, hands, between your toes, etc. I suggest a lower wanking water temp, along with a detachable shower head which you can set at "pulse" to wash away any residue.
As for powdering the balls, you could probably put powder in a tupperware and then just sort of flop them about like you were breading chicken. Wrinkly, infirm chicken, but chicken nonetheless.
HOPE I WAS HELPFUL
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This is why I want you to move here.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-08-01 19:01:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-31 15:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-30 16:42:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Touching.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 14:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-31 11:10:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
i can't even fathom doing what you do. you're a better woman than i am.
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thanks katy...I appreciate it..but I'm not all that good.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 14:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-07-31 11:09:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:01:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Well we did the luminaria thing too, do you know about that? you decorate a white bag and they put a candle in it, and they put em all around the track. I had eight names on mine, and later I though "SHIT I should have made one that said 'in support of my internet homey, The_Taste_of_Monkeys". Wouldn't THAT have made people look twice..BADASS!
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See, that I could have coped with
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Next year, big P. Next year.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 14:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-31 11:02:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm impressed.
I could not do what you do for a living. I'm also impressed that you still care. I think that eventually a lot of people in your position become numb to the whole death and dying. It seems a shame, but then again it also seems a shame to put yourself through this torment every time you lose a patient.
and so I hide in the safety of numbers and calculations
===================
Thank you loki. You would be surprised (or maybe not?) at how many people say that.. "I could never do your job." I think some people who say that actually COULD do it, and do it well; in theory. The difference is that if you don't WANT to do it, you won't do it well, period. Like a lot of things in life I guess.
It is interesting to me to hear that you are impressed that I still care. I guess it never crossed my mind that I COULDN'T care. Then again I guess I know what you mean. Unfortunately there are caregivers in all jobs who never DID care. The thing is, the money sure isn't that good (at least at most jobs), so I can't figure out why these people do it if they don't seem to give a shit. It pisses me off, really. See, that's why I can't work at one of those depressing old folks' homes. They keep the staffing to a bare bones minimum, so you are in charge of 5-15 people (some places even more) and you never really get to know your people and can't give the quality of care that I want to give. I had to work at one of those places for clinicals when I did my CNA and it was pretty bad.
It has been pretty rough, watching him go down like that. I'll tell ya I'm sure I've gone no more than 6 hrs without tears on any given day this week. But that's not even just about him..after the sleep deprivation, etc just setting up my screen tent at Relay just about had me cryin away. What a wuss eh :P
The thing is, in all the time I've been doing caregiving (I think I mentioned, just shy of 6 yrs, will be in October) This is the FIRST time I have lost someone. I have seen the obituaries in the paper years later after leaving old jobs where someone I knew had passed, but never while I was there, and this man and his wife I care for I have been with a long time. So I know it will be different in the future and it might get, well "easier" I guess. We will see. It helps that my very good friend works with me and she and another of our coworkers are very sweet and compassionate and we all support each other.
Loki it seems I would have to add you to my list of people I'd buy a beer.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 14:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-07-31 10:59:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Lost my mom to cancer 4 years ago...I feel your pain
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Wow..4 yrs ago is a long time ago and not all at the same time. I am so sorry to hear that. I am terribly afraid of losing my parents and I wish you all the best.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 14:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-07-31 10:45:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so sorry honey, that is sucha tough job. I am SO glad that there are strong women like you ;o)
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Thank you jade. And thank you very much for your kind words over the last few days. I really have appreciated being able to, well vent or whatever you want to call it, to you and a few other people. :) BTW I'm not strong, I just pretend to be.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-31 11:10:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i can't even fathom doing what you do. you're a better woman than i am.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-07-31 11:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:01:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Well we did the luminaria thing too, do you know about that? you decorate a white bag and they put a candle in it, and they put em all around the track. I had eight names on mine, and later I though "SHIT I should have made one that said 'in support of my internet homey, The_Taste_of_Monkeys". Wouldn't THAT have made people look twice..BADASS!
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See, that I could have coped with
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-31 11:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm impressed.
I could not do what you do for a living. I'm also impressed that you still care. I think that eventually a lot of people in your position become numb to the whole death and dying. It seems a shame, but then again it also seems a shame to put yourself through this torment every time you lose a patient.
and so I hide in the safety of numbers and calculations
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-07-31 10:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lost my mom to cancer 4 years ago...I feel your pain
Submitted by Samo (user info) at 2006-07-31 10:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2006-07-31 10:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so sorry honey, that is sucha tough job. I am SO glad that there are strong women like you ;o)
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-07-31 06:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-07-31 05:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahhhhhaha that's not my fault..but thank you anyway. :)
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still proud of you. Even though you left me hanging
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:24:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thank you _Dan.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Just...
A Plus 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-07-30 21:08:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice story. I'm sure you'll make a great nurse.
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Thank you fgp. I hope so. The longer I am in caregiving the more I feel like this is the right thing for me to be doing. I can only hope in the future I will have as wonderful of people to work with. The grammar in that last sentence is really poor. You get the point.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:04:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-07-30 19:31:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing it.
People like you make this world a better place.
=========
Thank you rob. Thanks for checkin it out. I know it's not too cheery but I had to get it out of my system.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-07-30 18:48:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cancer survivors took a victory lap at Relay on Friday evening. They all had purple shirts with the word "survivor" emblazoned on the backs. We all applauded as they circled
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I would have felt patronised by that actually.
"Oh well done arent you special!" *TTOM hefts brick thoughtfully*
Anyways, running...yes...
=============================
Well we did the luminaria thing too, do you know about that? you decorate a white bag and they put a candle in it, and they put em all around the track. I had eight names on mine, and later I though "SHIT I should have made one that said 'in support of my internet homey, The_Taste_of_Monkeys". Wouldn't THAT have made people look twice..BADASS!
Submitted by Brandnamecommercial (user info) at 2006-07-30 23:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-07-30 23:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-07-30 21:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice story. I'm sure you'll make a great nurse.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-07-30 20:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-07-30 19:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing it.
People like you make this world a better place.
r.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-07-30 18:48:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cancer survivors took a victory lap at Relay on Friday evening. They all had purple shirts with the word "survivor" emblazoned on the backs. We all applauded as they circled
----------------
I would have felt patronised by that actually.
"Oh well done arent you special!" *TTOM hefts brick thoughtfully*
Anyways, running...yes...
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-07-30 17:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-30 17:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
On that note, I'm off to get ready for my day and make a trek into town to visit his daughters and offer my condolences. I'll be back later. Thanks guys.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-30 17:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FA: thank you very much. I really truly love my job, and I feel lucky to have fallen into caregiving like I did. I am looking forward to being a nurse and having more knowledge and experience in order to be of better help to people, but it is important to me to really get to know my "people" I care for.
I would absolutely have a beer with ya. :)
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-30 16:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sacrilicious: That is awesome that you and your sis do the walk. I don't think we have that one out here where I live, but probably up in Portland or something (I'm in Oregon). I know my cousin is doing that one and this reminds me to send her a donation.
I am also not one for "manufactured inspirational things", and most of my friends aren't either. That is why it is so hard to get people to understand what it's all about, to get them to "get it". You really have to "get it" to go walk. And it's the best we can do to try to deal with everything, to be together in a giant visual representation of support for each other.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-07-30 16:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a lot of respect for what you've been doing. If we're ever in the same place at the same time, I'd like to buy you a beer.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-30 16:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Coley- My sister and I started participating in Walk for the Cure every Mother's Day. It gives us a chance to raise money every year. But more importantly, it's just an opportunity to honor our mom and bond a little bit. I curse that alarm clock every year, but I'm always so happy we made it when it's done. I'm not one for manufactured inspirational things, but seeing all those survivors and all the people affected by the disease come together and smile..it's really very touching and I'm glad we've made it a tradition.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-07-30 16:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Touching.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-07-30 16:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-07-30 16:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, thank you Sacrilicious.
I am sorry to hear about your mother.
Have you attended a Relay? I highly reccommend it. It's good therapy.
Group therapy, if you will.
Not that any of us need therapy of course *wink wink*
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-30 16:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have my sympathies about your friend.
We lost my mom to breast cancer 13 years ago this week.
This was beautifully written, and participating in the race is a beautiful thing.