Update (899 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.3 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CookieLass (View user info) at 2006-07-31 12:41:43 EDT
A body can always tell when my social life picks up or drops off by how much time I waste at this site with you lot. After receiving a few "politely" questing e-mails (i.e. Be You Dead? Where the Fuck Have You Gone Off To? And Some Internet Junkie YOU Turned Out to Be to name a few of the more polite subject lines to grace my inbox) wondering what's been going on and where I've disappeared to, I've opted for posting a reader's digest of sorts on myself, for the curious.
June was a particularly trying month. My horoscope had said that I should be on the ready for some major upheavals in my lifestyle, but I generally only read them for fun, so I didn't bother keeping the advice in mind. Mid-month, I started a new job with The State, fielding questions and doing general education for doctors and hospitals on the subject of Texas Medicaid, which is interesting with my accent. I spend a lot of my day listening to people complain about outsourcing. Strangest thing.
I also work with my dad, which is interesting. He's a 45 year old ex-Air Force Special Forces man whose foreign policy can be summed up with two words: "Nuke 'Em." He dislikes just about everyone from another country (hilarious as he's married into a family of insane Scottish people), and it makes for very interesting smoke breaks these days. Especially when he starts talking about taking up a collection to buy a small island in the south Pacific and begin his Banana Republic. And we're not talking about ridiculously priced linen clothing here. The day that I went in to sign my new hire paperwork, my dad gave me the speech about how he's never recommended anyone for a position before, and that I'd better take it seriously or else he would never forgive me. And by never forgive me, he meant kill me with his thumb. Thanks Dad. On my first day of training, Dad took me around to all of the bosses, informed them that I was his daughter, and that if I screwed up in the slightest way, he wanted to know about it. Pressure? Yes, thanks. Never can have enough of that!
And to make matters worse, as though my sanity weren't suffering enough, a couple of days before my new job began, there was a major upheaval in my personal life which I won't get into the nitty gritty of out of respect for those involved. But suffice it to say that my ex-boyfriend is a complete and total nutcase who ended up freaking out and driving off the greatest guy I've ever known. Won't even talk to me despite the fact that I'm currently living off of tinned tuna and ramen noodles just to make ends meet so that I don't have to rely on Crazy Ex to help pay the bills. Apparently he no longer feels things are private, despite all my efforts to prove otherwise. A choice string of descriptors regarding his parentage springs to mind, but I'll try and fight them off. Somehow I don't think he'd find it endearing if I called him a coward in public.
A couple of weeks ago, one of my very good gay-but-swears-he's-not friends started working at my office with me, and has taken it upon himself to try and find me dates. I have no interest in dating right now... still hurting rather deeply from supposed Excellent Guy's complete and total ditching of me... but Ian is relentless and I've learned through long years of friendship that the best way to make him stop doing something is to tell him it's a great idea and go along with it. He's only interested if persuasion is necessary. Seems to be completely untrue in this case, but let me just say, this has opened up an interesting world of social experimentation for me. And I'm not talking about the "what do girly parts taste like" sort of experimentation. Ian is setting me up on dates left and right. In the 2 months since the episode I like to refer to as The Cataclysm, I've had 6 dates, all at Ian's insistence. And you know that old wisdom that you're at your most desirable when you're attached? I've decided it's a little off. Apparently, you're at your most desirable when you have absolutely no carnal interest whatsoever in the person sitting across the table from you. Nice enough guys, all of them, they just don't have what I'm longing for. That being a predisposition to extreme dorkiness and odd knees. Puppy dog eyes and an interesting inflection on the way he says the word "fuck" wouldn't hurt matters any either. Mmmm, digression. Delicious.
On the course of these dates, I've been taken to one "accidental" porn, a Gwar concert, a roller derby, and a couple of nights of uncontrolled binge drinking, one of which resulted in my having to give CPR and a ride to the hospital to the poor guy. I ended up doing the pathetic cry-into-your-beer thing with one poor fella whom Ian had failed to screen properly. Turns out his girlfriend had left him for his dad and he wasn't *quite* over her yet. I utilized his patheticness to downplay my own and we did a little joint wallowing in our own sorrow. He's the only one I've consented to see again. There's just something about like levels of pitiful to make a girl feel at home.
So there's your update. I may have to do another outlining a few of the humourous points of these dates... the Gwar one was particularly interesting.
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-01-03 14:15:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
your horoscope?
die
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-10-19 14:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
COME BACK!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-08-26 07:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
that post was fucking scary, kaelic. i'd find it but i don't want to traumatize you all over again. or myself.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-08-23 10:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't Method do a scathing post on this girl with two side by side pictures, and all that?
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-08-23 10:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm not going to -2 this, even though I don't think it was worth reading, but you should know by now that if anyone really cared what was going on with you, they would e-mail you, and you should only post an update that is actually interesting, I.E. you won the lottery, etc.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-08-23 10:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus some people are mean
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-01 15:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG did Caul actually READ this? I didn't think he actually read the posts he rated.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-08-01 12:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
your dad is an "air force special force super spetnaz ninja seal", you are colin farrell best friend, your ass is perfect even though you are above 200 pounds, blah blah blah...what`s next?!
you prevaricator, you.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-08-01 04:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-07-31 18:43:41 (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto GWAR -2
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When are you going to post?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-08-01 04:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This isn't the worst thing, by a long shot
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-07-31 22:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
A poorly presented selection of useless information about which no one cares.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-07-31 19:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-07-31 18:43:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto GWAR -2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-07-31 18:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.blogspot.com
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-07-31 18:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you gave away the fact that you're a cunt just from the title. well done
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-07-31 16:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was thinking of you the other day.
But since I cut the internet to save on bills... I know what was I thinking.
I can't check my personal email at work..... or get on Myspace... or look at porn......
*breaks out in cold sweats*
I'm writing a book about it.
It's a horror in case ya couldn't tell.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-31 16:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-07-31 15:32:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
really don't care, you stupid twat
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Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-31 15:26:18 (#)
Ranking: -1
You couldn't "post" for two months because of "this"?
Who gives a fuck.
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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-07-31 14:45:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
i was hoping you had choked to death on your own jowls.
i can smell you over the internet you fucking hound.
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ooh, top of the batting order.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-07-31 15:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
really don't care, you stupid twat
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-07-31 15:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You couldn't "post" for two months because of "this"?
Who gives a fuck.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-07-31 14:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i was hoping you had choked to death on your own jowls.
i can smell you over the internet you fucking hound.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-07-31 14:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ian needs a new hobby - seriously.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-31 14:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I may have to do another outlining a few of the humourous points of these dates...
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Why not? It worked pretty good for Jared. Make a whole series out of them.
I wish I could go on a date with you, but Austin is too far of a drive...
Submitted by EmoJean (user info) at 2006-07-31 13:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Looks like no one else cares about your pathetic life. 7 reviews now, and 4 are you and me.
How's the book club going? Oops...
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-07-31 13:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nothing like getting badmouthed by my own alter. Thanks for that one, BadAss, you painful, painful loser.
I'll e-mai you my new info, Monty.
Submitted by EmoJean (user info) at 2006-07-31 13:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you weren't such a snotty cunt, Mr. Wonderful might not have ditched you.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-07-31 12:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That being a predisposition to extreme dorkiness and odd knees. Puppy dog eyes and an interesting inflection on the way he says the word "fuck" wouldn't hurt matters any either.
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redskies? although i haven't seen his knees, i imagine he says fuck oddly and he's dorky.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-07-31 12:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Missed you. I tried to call over the weekend but it's disconnected or something.
Forward your number via myspace or something.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-07-31 12:46:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i can't wiat for apollo to get here
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-07-31 12:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
stfu