Advice From My Chinese Mom (2194 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's House of St. Awesome (View user info) at 2006-07-31 21:26:48 EDT
I was out for lunch with my Chinese mom at Applebee's the other day. Now, she's only half Chinese and was raised without learning any Chinese in a home with my crazy French grandfather, but in my mind I still hear her speak with a Chinese accent.
My crazy French grandfather used to train police dogs and swear at me in French. He'd hit rocks with my wooden bat and dent the shit out of it. He threw my baby rabbit against the wall and killed it because it bit him. I don't believe it bit him. I think he was jealous of how much I loved that rabbit. Other than that, he was pretty awesome. I loved my grandpa.
Needless to say, I was at lunch with my Chinese-French mom and she brings up the fact that I'm not the delightful young lad I used to be. She's the brightest bulb in the drawer, she is. Maybe if the drawer was filled with smashed bulbs and burnt out Christmas tree lights, that is.
"You need stop being so grouchy," she said. "People complaining. Make me very, very ashamed. You shame your mother. You bad son."
"I'm sorry, Chinese mom," I replied. "I am the suck at life."
"You listen to your mother. She tell you how to be very, very good young man. Marry nice girl. Have many grandkids."
So, this is her advice what I did with it:
Golden Nugget of Advice Number One: Make friends with your neighbours and maybe you won't hate your apartment building so much.
Door Number One: Knock, knock, knock.
Voices inside "Quick, hide the drugs. It's da police. Do it gently. We don't want this place to explode like the last one did..."
Hmm. No.
Door Number Two: Knock, knock, knock
Big fat woman in a bathrobe answers. Either she hasn't slept in fourteen years or her eyes are naturally bloodshot from all her years of painting pictures of small dogs on thimbles.
"Yeah, what do YOU want?"
"Yes, hello. I'm your neighbour from down the hall. I thought I'd invite you over for coffee since you live near me and I'm desperate for human contact, even though I doubt you're abilities to function as a human. Are you properly paper trained?"
She furrowed her unibrow. "You crazy, fool."
SLAM.
Door Number Three: Knock, knock, knock.
A hot girl answers. Maybe mom was right. She was probably a prostitute but that puts her at the top of the pile for my building. On the order of negative scumbaggery it was probably me, then her and then that homeless guy that keeps breaking in and sleeping near the mailboxes. I respect that dude because of all the places he could break into he picks here. If I were him, I'd rather sleep on the rotting couch in the alley than in here. There's a tree growing in that couch. Come to think of it, I don't respect him at all. Fuck that guy. I'm taking his backpack the next time I see him. He won't fight me because I told him I'm the king of Sweden. No one wants to fight a king, even a Swedish king.
"Hello, I'm your neighbour from down the hall. Maybe we could get some coffee some time since we're neighbours and all."
She studies me for a second. "No English. Sorry."
SLAM.
From behind the door I hear "Melvin, some creepy guy was at the door. I think he's high on meth from those other guys down the hall. Can't we call the cops on them?"
"Fuck you, Janine. That's damn good meth."
STRIKE ONE, MOM.
Golden Nugget of Advice Number Two: Go for a walk in your neighbourhood. Maybe you won't hate your neighbourhood so much.
It took me five minutes of walking to be propositioned for sex, drugs and whether or not I'd like to buy some used coat hangers. I wasn't going to ask what they were used for.
I live next to this Laundromat. A 24-hour Laundromat.
Needless to say, mom, there are reasons why I don't leave my shithole apartment.
I think some bees are building a hive underneath the step at the back door. Bees are scary as fuck. There's another reason for me never to come home ever again.
STRIKE TWO MOM.
Golden Nugget of Advice Number Three: Strike up conversation with a stranger, you shy fuck.
So I go to the Safeway. I see some one buying a can of soup. I'm thinking 'Hey, I like that soup.' I know we have soup in common. Let's roll from there.
"Hello," I said to this old guy who kind of reminded me of William Shatner. "I like that soup too."
"Who're you? What do you want? Do you work here or something?" He nearly threw the can of soup at me.
"No, I just...um...like that soup?"
"Crazy sonofabitch. I'm going to report you to your supervisor. Go mop up the leaky corn in the next aisle, you useless asshole."
Maybe I should have started in produce where the people are less angry. Cans make me angry. I cut myself opening a can once. It was a bad scene.
STRIKE THREE MOM. YOU'RE OUT.
Mom, I love you but leave your shitty advice at home where it belongs.
PS: I'll find my frog.
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-08-23 02:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's that. A bump? Yes. Yes it is.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-12 13:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-08-02 09:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you for being funny.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-01 20:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-01 20:29:22 (#)
Ranking: -2
THA JEWS DEED ETT
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gay marriages are allowed in canada, right?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-01 20:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-01 18:51:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like a loser but who cares...this was funny.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-08-01 19:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ME RAFF HARD
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-08-01 19:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You need stop being so grouchy," she said. "People complaining. Make me very, very ashamed. You shame your mother. You bad son."
"I'm sorry, Chinese mom," I replied. "I am the suck at life."
________________________
those better have been your exact words...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-01 18:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like a loser but who cares...this was funny.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-01 18:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-01 18:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
p.s. ALL frenchmen are crazy
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-08-01 17:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I am the suck at life."
------------
hee hee hee
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-01 15:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you just tell the big kids on the bus that you don't like it when they beat you up and take your lunch money. I'm sure they're just picking on you becuase they like you.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-08-01 14:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, I have your frog. He will be returned to you unharmed once my demands are met.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-08-01 14:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
steeeve!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-01 14:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-08-01 14:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-01 14:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
neeeds more comments!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-01 14:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the Hopkin at the end was the equivalent of a 10th inning homer.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-08-01 10:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Applebee's huh?
I'm not buyin it
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-08-01 09:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, your mom was a Frenchink!
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-01 08:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-01 05:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-08-01 05:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your Chinese mom reminds me of Mrs Wong from Futurama
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-01 03:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not but I'm going to go throw up anyways.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-01 02:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
im drunjk
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-01 02:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I REFUSE TO READ HTIS
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-08-01 01:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best line evar!
take off your shirt!
it works
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:58:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna hear more about this.
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Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:35:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm off to the bar to meet internet strangers, INCLUDING an uberer
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pWnZ0rD!!1
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything you ever wanted to know about Average_Dan
User id: 20007
Registered on or around: 2005-06-24 15:46:23
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Everything you ever wanted to know about stevie_says
User id: 10125
Registered on or around: 2004-07-08 20:07:52
# Messages posted: 173
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I think we see what the people like?!?!?!!?!?!??????!??!?!?1
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BREAKING NEWS
Six hundred and 31 more hits and I'll pass drink_DDT for No. 31 on MVA.
END BREAKING NEWS
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
me rikey
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:09:34 (#)
Ranking: 1
I like your stuff but this was mehhhh.
YO SHIT'S WEAK!
________________________________
Oh ye who cannot spell thine own name, look ye here:
Everything you ever wanted to know about extacy_red
User id: 25476
Registered on or around: 2006-02-24 16:18:33
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++++++++++
Everything you ever wanted to know about stevie_says
User id: 10125
Registered on or around: 2004-07-08 20:07:52
# Messages posted: 173
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See my point, dipshit?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:01:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
DON'T ARGUE WITH THE COD OF WAR.
_____________________________________________
Or the bass of battle.
Or the trout of turmoil.
Or the tuna of trouble.
Or the Kingfish of Kaos. What?
:)
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't argue. My word is law..LAW!!!
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like your stuff but this was mehhhh.
YO SHIT'S WEAK!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-31 22:11:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
The most physically attractive man I ever dated was half Asian and half French.
He had a frog, too.
__________________________________
The frog was in his pants, wasn't it? Huh? Huh?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DON'T ARGUE WITH THE COD OF WAR.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-07-31 23:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, that doesn't count. That just makes you a liar. A big fat liar :(
Submitted by onewetleg (user info) at 2006-07-31 22:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
good stuff
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-07-31 22:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lost my frog. Him name is Hopkin Green Frog.
PS I'll find my frog
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-31 22:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm embracing my Swedish heritage by telling people I rule it. Does that count?
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-07-31 22:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-07-31 22:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stevie, you need to embrace your chinese heritage or you'll never be happy
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-07-31 22:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You told a homeless man you were the king of Sweden. Literature doesn't get much better than that.
Submitted by cheynebo (user info) at 2006-07-31 22:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a teaspoon of your talent, because a tablespoon would make me shit myself.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-31 22:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The most physically attractive man I ever dated was half Asian and half French.
He had a frog, too.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so awesome, my face is bleeding.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:41:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm cod.
Cod of War.
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Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 stevie
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm cod.
Cod of War.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bump
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERE IS MY FROG?
His name is Hopkin green frog.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm off to the bar to meet internet strangers, INCLUDING an uberer
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I might love her if I was drunk enough
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FROOOOOOOG!!!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHO FOUND MY FROG?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-31 21:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHO TOOK MY FROG?