Why are wizards such morons? (884 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.21 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Barid_Bel_Medar.at.excite.com> (View user info) at 2003-06-19 12:39:08 EDT
There have been quite a few movies and tons of books that have characters with supernatural powers, and apparently subpar intellects. Instead of casting spells to defeat their enemies, or get a few laughs, they cast shitty spells like 'fix my glasses' or 'move this rock' or 'shoot a snake out of my wand'. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these guys.
I think I'd be a hell of a lot better at being a wizard than all the numbskulls that currently populate books and film. Take the Harry Potter books for example. So there's some three headed dog in your way, so what? Hit it with a fireball or turn it into a friggin tulip or something, not "oh no run away, I'm scared of a damned dog". And what's with all the studying? You're a wizard, cast a spell so you memorize the book in like 8 seconds, not dicking around for hours on end bitching like a little girl. Who would be dumb enough to ride around on a broomstick? Seriously, its not like it's the 14th century and we're surrounded by brainless peasants who think brooms are high tech, pick something cool to use like a 100 foot oak tree or a car or a giant talking squirrel. Hell anything would be better to fly on, even these shitty carpeted cubicles. If you're too stupid to just enchant your shoes or something to fly, I think you probably shouldn't be learning how to do important shit like levitate a feather.
I'd also add much needed humor to some scenes. Instead of smacking each other with invisible powers like Gandalf and Saruman, I'd cast something like 'magic extendo-glove' and punch the fucker in the sack. I don't think anybody would fuck with me if they knew their balls would be hurting for the next four days.
Most games also fall victim to similar problems. So your character is a wizard who can shoot little fireballs from his hand, whoop-de-doo. He also can't manage to kill a friggin orc or goblin or something. Maybe instead of 'wizard' your title should be 'big bag of pussy'.
User Reviews
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2004-07-15 13:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-06-20 10:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you speak Klingon?
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Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-06-20 08:57:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Hey, Guys! I like being a Bard. Who likes to be a Wizard? Did you bring the dice? I'm 10th level. How 'bout you? I cast 'Finger of Death'.
DIE!!!!!
(only a -1 because I actually know some of this shit)
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-06-19 17:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you think all wizards are like Harry Potter, you need to do a lot of reading bro.
Submitted by EndMyPain (user info) at 2003-06-19 15:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
makes sense to ask that. it is probably the writers that make the wizards all crappy. if i were harry potter id cast a hella hot bitch spell on that whiny bitch hes always with and bang her brains out.
Submitted by ooglyboogly at 2003-06-19 14:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats true.
and, man rincewind is the shit.
so are the other buncha books.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2003-06-19 13:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When I think of Wizzard's I think of Rincewind...
Look it up you heathens
-turtle
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-06-19 13:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You talk about this as though it were real. "vulgar displays" HA!
Submitted by turveytopsy (user info) at 2003-06-19 12:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The standard archetype for a 'wizzard' would not be Gandalf or any character from Harry Potter. When I think of a wizzard I think of Merlin and the power of subtle actions not vulgar displays of the ability to manipulate reality through the use of fireballs and such.