Best Man Speech (Critiques/Revisions/Advice Requested) (1075 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.61 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NotApologizing (World's Greatest Prop-Comic) (View user info) at 2006-08-03 12:39:37 EDT
I'm giving this speech Saturday at my friends wedding. I have to keep it clean, and obviously I can only insult the groom, or the bride for being with him.
That being the case, I wanted to see what some of you think about it and welcome supported criticisms. When you read the last line, keep in mind that the room will be split between U-M & MSU fans. And the bride is a closet socialist...
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JOY. A word - it's the reason we're all here today, celebrating the joy this marriage will bring to these 2 newlyweds. We take joy in bearing witness to their joy, and give them joy in return by being here. And aside from undermining the meaning of the word joy, my purpose here is to facilitate maximum joy for you, the honored guests of the newly joined couple.
Though I just finished this speech a few days ago, I really began writing it at age 4 when I first met Robbie (known, since approximately age 14, as Rob), 24 years ago. That's completely doubling-up on Charles Bronson for a full "dirty 2-dozen".
The best single word I can use to describe Rob is 'Palpitation'. That is, you feel him in your heart and you're pretty sure he's bad for you—and probably a sign of worse things to come.
A look into Rob's past begins inevitably by looking at another person. An individual who played so prominently in Rob's life, that we still see characteristics of this person on display in Rob to this day... I'm of course talking about former Michigan State Hockey center Bobby Reynolds. And though Rob may tell you that his affinity for Mr. Reynolds is rooted in his appreciation of the grace and power of the major college athlete, the real reason must be because his name is Bobby.
One of my earliest memories of Rob was riding with him and Bob on the way to watch the former emulate Bobby Reynolds in his own youth hockey game (where you can bet he'd be wearing Bobby's #15). However, shortly after leaving the house, young Rob began feeling the pressure of living up to the standard that Bobby had set. He became ill, his sickness manifesting itself out the car window and onto the front door panel. I wondered if Bobby Reynolds ever did that...
Perhaps lost in the above is the fact that Bobby Reynolds did in fact play for the now-hated Spartans. But don't worry, Rob has long since grown into manhood and become a true Wolverine...albeit an bulging, cartoony wolverine with exaggerated claws and a cheesy growl. It's also important to note that Emily, or as I'm sure she'd now like to be called, Mrs. Robert (last name), began in her relationship with Rob as a graduate of Michigan State. Rob marry a Spartan!? Wouldn't that be an early spring RIOT? That situation has been corrected thanks to Emily's own maturation in the form of a graduate degree from the University of Michigan.
In his younger years, I can say that Rob was a more inhibited person. In what I like to call Rob's 'Pupa' stage, you could actually spend a whole day with Rob and not hear a single release of gas from either standard point of exit. You may have been shown a shred of respect in those days, and those who really got to know Rob may have truly believed that his soul was something other than swirling black smoke.
Rob's cocoon began to come off around the time he began living with Bob in the outskirts. In fact, other than a disappointing lack of interest in HAM radio, it is often difficult to tell Rob apart from his father. (note, per the long established rules of male friendship I am permitted to say only the following about Rob's mother Betty: great job and all the best).
As much as I ought to share with this room the breadth of experience that Rob and I...experienced..., there's little to tell that wouldn't sentence all the children here to eternal damnation so I'll refrain. I will commend Rob for seeking worldly perspective as a young adult, having traveled to strange & exotic places like Florida, California, and even the culture-shock inducing cities of Windsor and Toronto Canada!
Instead, I'd like to skip ahead to when Rob began his courtship of Emily and what I've witnessed therein. As Rob noted in his own best-man speech at my wedding, one notices a difference in the behavior of a male friend who's actually begun down the fragrant, marshmallow-paved path of love. That is, all of the vulgarity Rob might have used to describe others was instead replaced by "...she's pretty cool...you should meet her..." And in a moment of profound clarity, I knew that I should meet her.
My first impression of Emily was positive in that she understood the significance of 'The Princess Bride' in the body of work that is 1980's film (a body of work that unfortunately includes not only Porky's, but Arthur's 1 & 2). Impressive also was Emily's astute taste regarding roommate selection. The only negative point I remember was her poor fashion sense after she criticized my stonewashed jeans, but nobody's perfect right? And as a special gift to Emily, I give this: the very pair of stonewashed jeans I was wearing that night (fully washed, of course) with the humble request that a dog-toy be made out of them.
But the magic really happened once Rob & Emily began living together. What a team! Rob's determination to break the spirit of their domesticated dog (much like one would a wild stallion) met with Emily's actual care for the animal's well being. Rob's favored living condition best described as wallerin', met by Emily's Jobe-like willingness to clean. Rob runs in marathons from time to time. I've never seen a port-a-potty on those courses, so unless Rob is running in disposable clothes, laundry becomes quite a task after 26 miles of spilling various fluids (and one would hope no solids).
I've recently had the opportunity to spend some time staying with Rob & Emily in their house for an extended period. It was a wonderful chance for me to see the couple in action. Their home was truly opened up to me, although their dog did step on very sensitive areas of my body on a daily basis. Still, it was great and the line for loaves of republic bread and federal toilet paper were much shorter than I expected.
I've reached the portion of the speech where you, the crowd, would normally expect a "...but seriously everybody..." followed by something sweet. But really, truly, deep-down this speech is for Rob, Emily, and all of you. And given the time of year, the atmosphere here at the reception hall, and what we know of the happy couple, I just have one more thing to say and it's something I think we ALL can agree on: To hell with Notre Dame.
User Reviews
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-08-03 19:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read all that, but here's my advice...
Don't talk too slow and make sure you watch your tone so that your voice isn't monotone, alright?
Good luck with all that!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-08-03 17:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As a 3 time "Best Man", I can tell you from experience that good speech is a lot like a woman's skirt. It needs to be long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to be interesting.
Keep that in mind and edit this puppy.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-03 17:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I vote for JohnGalt's edited version. Or shorter.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-03 16:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
<staple a whole bunch of pictures to the underside of everybody's chair>
FUCK YOU
FUCK HER
I'M OUTTA HERE.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-08-03 16:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YOu're going to put the crowd to sleep. Make it a lot shorter than that.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-08-03 15:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
TOO DAMN LONG
I completely delivered MY best-man speech totally ad-libbed earlier this month. In and out within thirty seconds, to the point, and everyone was grateful that I didn't do the rehearsed notecard schtick for minutes on end. It was faboo.
Seriously...just go with your heart, and screw rehearsing the speech.
Submitted by mc (user info) at 2006-08-03 14:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Yeah dude, you gotta shorten that up. We did a dry wedding for my friend at the request of his mom...it lasted just long enough for the "I do's" and people started to leave. There was no one there by the time they started to cut the cake.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-08-03 14:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 Sphagnum's alter.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-03 14:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess perhaps it is some of the parts that seem like inside jokes don't float well with outsiders like me. I do agree that version 2 is better as a toast.
And if you want, you can always show them Version 1 sometime. You know, for one of those years when you can't think of anything for their anniversary. Just tape it inside a card. Instant present.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-03 14:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
NEW VERSION:
Rob and Emily, underneath a tree
F.U.C.K.I.N.G.
First comes love, then comes humping
Wipe your ass when you're done dumping. :)
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-03 14:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A certain amount of campiness is expected.
I think this works.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2006-08-03 14:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
version 1 wordcount: 1,100
version 2 wordcount: 516
thanks for the advice everyone. I'm pretty happy with version 2 at this point.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-03 14:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It still seems a little...well, almost campy. I'll see about taking bits from your original to go for something that more suits my taste. That shall be my best crontibution, methinks.
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-08-03 14:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good call on the revisions.
I thought the line about the marathons and the bodily fluids was a bit much, but if it's that kind of crowd, it's that kind of crowd.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2006-08-03 14:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hadtobedone-
you're right. Actually, i was trying too hard to be clever & funny. new version (posted in review below) seems to get the point across without being wordsmithy
All,
Please take a look at the new version below
Submitted by Plint (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://members.on.nimp.org/?u=timecop
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe it's just me, but it seems like you're trying TOO hard to be funny. There's so many jokes, you lose any serious or heartfelt portion you might have had.
Like I said, could just be me.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NEW VERSION
---------
JOY. A word - it's the reason we're all here today, celebrating the joy this marriage will bring to these 2 newlyweds. We take joy in bearing witness to their joy, and give them joy in return by being here and sharing their special day with them. Now that I've completely destroyed your feelings for the word joy, please allow me to share some information to give you a better understanding of this thing we call Rob:
• I've known Rob for 24 years; that's completely doubling-up on Charles Bronson for a full "dirty 2-dozen".
• The best single word I can use to describe Rob is 'Palpitation'. That is, you feel him in your heart and you're pretty sure he's bad for you.
• Rob has never been more vocal of his fan-hood of any athlete than former Michigan State hockey center Bobby Reynolds.
• Our groom started life a Spartan fan, but finally matured into a supporter of the University of Michigan. He's a true wolverine, albeit a bulging, cartoony wolverine with exaggerated claws and a cheesy growl.
• Rob's cocoon started to come off around the time he began living with Bob in the outskirts. In fact, other than a disappointing lack of interest in HAM radio, it is often difficult to tell Rob apart from his father.
• Rob spent his teens & early twenties gaining a truly global perspective, having traveled to exotic places like Florida, California, and even overseas to Canada
• The vulgarity Rob might have used to describe others was, when he met Emily, replaced by "...she's pretty cool...you should meet her..." Uh oh
• My first impression of Emily was positive in that she understood the significance of 'The Princess Bride' in the body of work that is 1980's film (a body of work that unfortunately includes not only Porky's, but Arthur's 1 & 2).
The only negative point I remember about the new Mrs. Robert DeMeester, was her poor fashion sense (she criticized my stonewashed jeans), but nobody's perfect right? And as a special gift to Emily, I give this: the very pair of stonewashed jeans I was wearing the night (fully washed, of course) of your second date with Rob; my only request is that a dog-toy be made out of them.
To see them together now; what a team! Rob's determination to break the spirit of their domesticated dog (much like one would a wild stallion) met with Emily's actual care for the animal's well being. Rob's favored living condition best described as wallerin', met by Emily's Jobe-like willingness to clean around him.
• Emily does his laundry, even post-marathon and lord knows what kind of liquid is spilled in those shorts over 26 miles; that's love folks
• While spending time with the happy couple recently, I noticed the line for loaves of republic bread and federal toilet paper was much shorter than I expected.
One more thing that Rob would have wanted me to say to bring us all together: To Hell With Notre Dame
Congratulations and if we had champagne, Cheers!
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm high as shit on speed
plus twos for all
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's the point. A toast should not be much more than 2 minutes max. 5 minutes? People will be getting up and walking around. No one wants a 5 minute toast.
A toast is different than "public speaking". It is a chance to say something funny, heartfelt, and SHORT from (in theory, and in this case from the sounds of it) the groom's closest friend.
My advice? No more than 2 of those paragraphs about each. Don't force funny down people's throats. Fit the entire thing, or at least the main points if you don't type the whole thing out, onto 2 index cards.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok, it's too long. and i'm going to carry a goatskin satchel full of vodka into the reception.
I timed myself at about 5.5 minutes, not including pauses (since pauses for crowd response shouldn't add the feeling of length). I am an experienced public speaker, and i wrote this with the idea of including things that Rob would want to hear rather than the crowd at large. i tried to settle attention on the groom by not including too many of my takes for ech memory, instead presenting the event in the way written.
another idea is to simply shorten the speech by changing to "A list of facts that you may not have known about Rob"
* I've never known him to be a bigger fan of an athlete than he was of bobby Reynolds
* Emily does his laundry, even post-marathon and lord knows what kind of liquid is spilled in those shorts over 26 miles
*etc...
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not reading all this.
*throws a +2 and a -2 in a sack, shakes it around and pulls out a +0*
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should you really mention that they are living together? It may not matter, but than again not everyone is cool with that living in sin business.
I'm just sayin'
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for some funny stuff..but seriously:
JOY. A word - it's the reason we're all here today, celebrating the joy this marriage will bring to these 2 newlyweds. We take joy in bearing witness to their joy, and give them joy in return by being here. And aside from undermining the meaning of the word joy, my purpose here is to facilitate maximum joy for you, the honored guests of the newly joined couple.
Though I just finished this speech a few days ago, I really began writing it at age 4 when I first met Robbie (known, since approximately age 14, as Rob), 24 years ago. That's completely doubling-up on Charles Bronson for a full "dirty 2-dozen".
As Rob noted in his own best-man speech at my wedding, one notices a difference in the behavior of a male friend who's actually begun down the fragrant, marshmallow-paved path of love. That is, all of the vulgarity Rob might have used to describe others was instead replaced by "...she's pretty cool...you should meet her..." And in a moment of profound clarity, I knew that I should meet her.
My first impression of Emily was positive in that she understood the significance of 'The Princess Bride' in the body of work that is 1980's film. Impressive also was Emily's astute taste regarding roommate selection. The only negative point I remember was her poor fashion sense after she criticized my stonewashed jeans, but nobody's perfect right? And as a special gift to Emily, I give this: the very pair of stonewashed jeans I was wearing that night (fully washed, of course) with the humble request that a dog-toy be made out of them.
But the magic really happened once Rob & Emily began living together. What a team! Rob's determination to break the spirit of their domesticated dog (much like one would a wild stallion) met with Emily's actual care for the animal's well being. Rob's favored living condition best described as wallerin', met by Emily's Jobe-like willingness to clean.
I've recently had the opportunity to spend some time staying with Rob & Emily in their house for an extended period. It was a wonderful chance for me to see the couple in action. Their home was truly opened up to me, although their dog did step on very sensitive areas of my body on a daily basis. Still, it was great and the line for loaves of republic bread and federal toilet paper were much shorter than I expected.
I guess I've reached the portion of the speech where you, the crowd, would normally expect a "...but seriously everybody..." followed by something sweet. But really, truly, deep-down this speech is for Rob, Emily, and all of you. And given the time of year, the atmosphere here at the reception hall, and what we know of the happy couple, I just have one more thing to say and it's something I think we ALL can agree on: To hell with Notre Dame.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're going to hear crickets.
It may be too long, but I suppose that all depends on your audience. Have you done any public speaking before? I'm asking because if so then you can adapt it to how they are reacting. What I'm saying is don't memorize it. Get up and start talking, pause when they laugh, if you're losing them cut it short. Just don't I mean DON"T get up there, discover that they're not paying attention and charge onward talking faster and faster until you get it all out then sit down.
Have you tried it out timing yourself?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:02:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
listen to tiger. you're not the only one that'll be giving a speech that day although yours will probably be the one that's remembered most.
make it things you'd want people to remember, and don't bore the ever loving life out of the party.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:00:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, i should mention it's a dry wedding so the mood will definitely need to be lightened...
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What the fuck???? Who has a fucking dry wedding? I'd protest that shit instead of a toast.
Jesus, I wouldn't even go to a dry wedding. Fuck that noise.
Have a +2 for sympathy.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2006-08-03 13:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, i should mention it's a dry wedding so the mood will definitely need to be lightened...
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sacrilicious-
good point. when i frequented this site more often, it was filled with clever, helpful people who might actually give a shit about how this goes over. now it's populated by something else.
honestly though, this is who I am and this is my relationship with the groom. I'm not really nervous, just looking for polish on some of the jokes.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:45:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
the first two of you rated this within 2~3 minutes of the post. how can it be too long if you read it that fast? Read it aloud to yourselves and let me know if it's too long; not just based on the length of text you see on the page
----------------
You were planning on saying it as fast as you can read?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:56:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What you need to understand is people want to drink and party. Not listen to you ramble on and on and on about years past.
Quick and to the point is how it should be. Highlight a few memories and toast to them. The End.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:45:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
the first two of you rated this within 2~3 minutes of the post. how can it be too long if you read it that fast? Read it aloud to yourselves and let me know if it's too long; not just based on the length of text you see on the page
=======
Do you want honest feedback or not? They gave it.
The most important thing about your speech is that it's heartfelt. And while I can appreciate that you might be nervous about it, asking advice from internet strangers who don't know you or the couple probably won't help you much. It's a wedding speech, not an audition.
My best friend is a man of few words, and he gave the best best man speech I ever heard. He said what came to him, from the heart. And you should, too.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They didn't read it. They scanned it and went "Shit... I'm reading this in my head and it took me around 10 minutes so far. This guy has got to stop for dramatic pause and laughter!"
Best man speech of the year: "When you're done, can I tap that ass?" *Groinal thrusting motion towards brides' face*
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to be my friend's best man but i'm fifth in line behind his two brothers and two closest male friends.
my speech would consist of "glad you didn't knock her up before the wedding. cheers."
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:45:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the first two of you rated this within 2~3 minutes of the post. how can it be too long if you read it that fast? Read it aloud to yourselves and let me know if it's too long; not just based on the length of text you see on the page
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you said all of this at my wedding, I would have bitch slapped you in front of everyone for thinking it was your 'time to shine'. I'm sure someone's grandma will tell you to sit down and shut the fuck up. In other words, it's way too long.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For sure it is too long. Take out the bullshit you used to bulk it up and it will be awesome.
Submitted by Plint (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
when you hear a whole lot of beeps, that's everyone setting their watches to time the boredom
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's some backstory and my toast as best man from a year and change ago.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/67073
+2 for my linkwhore
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well, for one thing, this is wayyy too long.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-03 12:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WAY too long.