"Beebed:" the Ubermusical - Act III (610 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicLabels: Beebed ubermusical
Rating: 1.42 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2006-08-04 16:19:07 EDT
Act I - http://www.ubersite.com/m/91359
Act II - http://www.ubersite.com/m/91005
==============================================================================
KAOS-KING Let's start with the first rule-- cutting down to one post a day, huh? There we go.
Now, uh, what sort of content are you interested in submitting, huh? You like the rings?
HABEEB Yeah, I bought a set of cock rings just a couple of weeks ago!
KAOS-KING Well, the, er, first thing we have to do, er, is, er, you have to change.
HABEEB Well, I know. That's why I'm here, you know, to change.
KAOS-KING No, I mean your posts.
HABEEB Oh.
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KAOS-KING [whistle]
Alright, let's knock it off.
Fellas, I want to introduce a new man, Habeeb.
Let's give him a tryout here on pulsehead, huh?
[pulsehead users jeer and taunt Habeeb]
HABEEB You better watch it.
KAOS-KING Alright, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon. A little fire, c'mon. Here we go, c'mon.
KRACKA C'mon, c'mon. Hey, Habeeb. Hey, hey. Watch it.
KAOS-KING [whistle] Uh, you have to actually WRITE something. Not just post MS Paint pictures.
ARNOLD Here you go, coach. [submits post analyzing "To Kill A Mockingbird"]
KAOS-KING Thank you, son. Now, just write a short story and submit it. Think you can do that?
HABEEB Can I do that?
KAOS-KING O.K., let's go, a little fire. C'mon, let's go.
KRACKA Habeeb, over here. Habeeb. Look at MY posts for an example!
KAOS-KING C'mon, let's go.
KRACKA Come on, Arnold.
KAOS-KING C'mon, c'mon, hurry up. Hurry up, no, click 'Back.' Hey, that's good. Go, go, go.
KRACKA Do it, Habeeb.
KAOS-KING Head up, hands on keys, there we are, go, get up. Yeah, that's it, that's it, that's it.
[Habeeb gets frustrated and posts GO SOX WOOOOOOO with peenars on pulsehead]
KRACKA Ohh!
KAOS-KING [e-mails moderator to have post removed]
HABEEB What did I do?
KRACKA Is he kidding? Boy-oh-boy! Jeez!
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KAOS-KING I want you to meet your new writing partner. Habeeb, Fat Tony.
[Fat Tony grimaces erotically at Habeeb and sweats while stroking himself]
HABEEB Are you crazy?
KAOS-KING C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon. Alright, come on, let's start, huh? Let's get in the first position. Habeeb, you've got the intro. O.K., Fat Tony, prepare to write the body.
KAOS-KING Ready? O.K.? [clicks 'Submit' link] Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. Come on. Habeeb, you gotta try. You gotta try, try. Come on. Alright, Fat Tony, let's change positions. You do the intro. Come on. Alright, ready? [clicks 'Cancel' and then 'Submit' again]
HABEEB Damnit!
FAT TONY Give?
HABEEB Yeah, I give.
KAOS-KING Good.
[Habeeb submits post with title "FUCK DEEZ MEXICAN ALTERS WEEEEEEEEEEP"]
FAT TONY I AM NOT AN ALTER, YOU PATHETIC CHI-TOWN SHITDRIBBLE! [resets password]
KAOS-KING He's a slanderer!
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KAOS-KING Think you're gonna like FUPA. It's not that much of an aggressive writing style. Now, get in there and let's see what you can do. Alright? Write a poem. Come on, let's go.
SHLONGY Hey. Where would you like it, huh?
KAOS-KING C'mon, let's get it up there.
SHLONGY Right down the park?
NITTY Come on, man, let's kick this guy outta here.
RANDOM N00B He can't rhyme.
NITTY The boy can't even rhyme! Can't even pronounce "Penos."
RANDOM ALTER You suck! [ranks Habeeb's post -2]
NITTY See, I told you. He doesn't even use rhymezone.com! What kind of writer are you? Come on, put it in here, Shlongy.
RANDOM ALTER Try again, asshat! [drops another negative deuce]
RANDOM N00B He rhymes like a preacher smoking reefer!
KAOS-KING C'mon, a little better, a little fire. C'mon, a little fire in that. C'mon, c'mon. Let's see you do it. Put it in, put it in, put it in!
RANDOM ALTER Not quite there yet! [adjusts rating to -1]
KAOS-KING Easy, easy, easy, easy. Stick to what you know.
HABEEB Now! C'mon, c'mon!
KAOS-KING Put the dictionary down. Put the dictionary down! Phew! Now, there's a lot of other writing styles that don't have any personal contact at all.
HABEEB Oh, yeah? Like what?
KAOS-KING Like, uh, soliloquies.
HABEEB What do you mean? Soliloquies?
KAOS-KING What, do you just like talking to yourself? I mean, something that, that needs endurance. Something that needs stamina. Like extra-long soliloquies. Writing revisions of Shakespeare.
HABEEB That could be cool.
KAOS-KING Good.
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KAOS-KING Hey! Come on, keep those words coming! [Habeeb trips over his own words and posts shit]
HABEEB Ugh!
CIRCE Habeeb! Habeeb, are you all right? Habeeb, talk to me. The least you can do is talk to me after the way you treated me.
HABEEB The way I treated... I...Circe, I told you I was sorry about that.
CIRCE Ah, got you talking!
HABEEB Oh!
CIRCE You sure you're O.K.?
HABEEB Yes, I'm fine. So, you're still going out with that cueball?
CIRCE Well...
HABEEB Well, is he camping on your posts for the "60 Minutes" Ubersite expose?
CIRCE Well, that all depends.
HABEEB On what?
CIRCE On you.
HABEEB On me?
CIRCE Yeah.
HABEEB He can camp on his own post. Come on!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[jukebox playing "Whole Lotta Fakin' Goin' On"]
HABEEB Circe, come on, let's, let's go someplace else. Huh?
CIRCE Why?
HABEEB W... Because we can't be alone here on Uber. That's whys.
CIRCE Habeeb!
HABEEB O.K.
WAITER Two chockomut mochas and a jam sandwich comin' up.
CIRCE You nearly made rape to me in the junkyard!
HABEEB Well, I didn't want to miss this post. It's the quietest post I've seen today.
CIRCE What are you doing?
HABEEB I just wanna camp out here for a while...a little privacy for us. Alright?
TIGERLILLY [hops over] What'll it be, kids?
CIRCE Oh, uh, a rape cupcake, please.
TIGERLILLY Habeeb?
HABEEB Oh, I'm not very hungry. Just, uh, gimme a double Goatse Burger with everything and a
rape cupcake with sphagnut ice-cream. O.K.?
CIRCE Ooh! That sounds good. I'll have the same.
HABEEB The same? You can eat a lot, can't you?
CIRCE Well, there was that one time I ate twenty tuna tacos in one night down in the outback...
BADASSMOFO [belches] How you doin', Beeb, huh? Nice! Golden combs!
CIRCE Hi, Rizzo, how are you?
RIZZO Peachy keen, jelly bean.
BADASSMOFO Hey, you got a couple of quarters? We can split a chockomut pie.
RIZZO My Dutch-treat days are over.
BADASSMOFO You plan on stayin' home a lot?!
JAYPEG Hey, greetings, pals and gals! Hey, I got 23 cents. Anybody wanna chip in for some jam?
ORGASMATRON I don't know where all my money goes. A dollar for the Uberboard here, 20 bucks there.
AXOLOTL Yeah, well another couple of months, Caulaincourt'll be able to take us all out. Huh?
A working girl with income.
ORGASMATRON Hey, that's right.
CAULAINCOURT Well. You know, they don't pay you very much to start off with for what I do.
AXOLOTL Yeah? Well, that's still more than we make. So, uh, ante up because I don't get my
allowance until Friday.
BADASSMOFO What, you get an allowance?
AXOLOTL When I'm a good boy, I do.
JAYPEG Hey, TigerLilly, a Lemonparty Delight for four, please.
BADASSMOFO And a chockomut pie with a knife.
RAD Hiya, gang!
JAYPEG Hi, Rad.
AXOLOTL Hi, Adam.
CAULAINCOURT Hi, Rad.
TIGERLILLY Here y'are. Grab it and growl.
RIZZO I got so many hickeys, people'll think I'm a leper.
BADASSMOFO Hey, cheer up. Uh, a hickey from Badassmofo's like a Hallmark card — when you care enough
to send the very best. [chomps burger]
RIZZO You're a pig!
BADASSMOFO Oh yeah? Don't make me threaten to leave Uber again!
CIRCE My parents want to invite you around for tea on Sunday. Do you wanna come?
HABEEB I don't like tea, and parents and Uber don't mix.
CIRCE You don't have to drink tea! And what the hell makes you think I'd show them Ubersite?!
HABEEB Well, I don't like parents.
ADAMDIDIT2U Want some?
RAD Uh... mm-hmm.
ADAMDIDIT2U You sure are a cheap date. Oh, I-I didn't mean it the way it came out.
RAD I understand. You sure have a long neck.
ADAMDIDIT2U I always thought you were a very understanding person.
RAD I am.
ADAMDIDIT2U And, I also think that there's more to you than just fat.
RAD In case you hadn't noticed, it's GONE now, cock jockey. Brand New Rad!
ADAMDIDIT2U You're welcome. You got a date for the expose?
RAD No.
ADAMDIDIT2U Wanna camp out with me?
RAD Yeah!
ORGASMATRON Oh no, I'm gonna be a n00b forever. I have to go write another poem for Uber tomorrow.
JAYPEG Hey, you're in luck, luscious. You've got an armed escort home.
ORGASMATRON It's not the arms I'm worried about, JayPeg. It's the hands, and mouth!
JAYPEG You loves me, you does! [jam dribbles from corner of his mouth]
AXOLOTL Hey, you comin', Caul?
CAULAINCOURT Oh, I don't think so - I think I'd like to hang out a little bit longer.
AXOLOTL Alright.
RAD Oh, I have been dieting for a year now. Sacrilicious's cherry pie tastes better than this stuff. You wanna try?
ADAMDIDIT2U Yeah, sure.
JAYPEG Hey, Adam.
ADAMDIDIT2U Yeah?
JAYPEG 15 minutes!
CIRCE You know, Habeeb, I'm kinda worried about this expose. Maybe they'll shut down Uber if the trolls start acting up and threatening Denial of Service attacks.
RIZZO Don't worry about it. Maybe we'll IP nuke their computers right back.
BADASSMOFO [sarcastically] Heh, heh, heh!
HABEEB C'mon, let's get out of here, Circe.
BADASSMOFO Hey, Beeb, see you later, O.K.
CIRCE Bye, Caulaincourt.
CAULAINCOURT See you, Circe.
BADASSMOFO Oh, great! I get stuck with the shit rating again. Give me some love! O.K., what is it,
huh? What's with you tonight? You've got the personality of a wet mop.
RIZZO Don't start with me! I have a body image to maintain.
BADASSMOFO Oh, sure, fine, O.K., Eureka. How about I finish with you, huh?
RIZZO Finish this! To you from me, Bubble Wrap Wonder Boy. Sorry, Caul. [storms out]
BADASSMOFO Rizzo! Hey, Rizzo! C'mon, I'm talking to you! Now! [chases after Rizzo]
--------------------------
TIGERLILLY No use crying over spilled chokomut milkshakes.
CAULAINCOURT Oh, I'll be O.K.
TIGERLILLY You know it's near closing time, don't you?
CAULAINCOURT Do you mind if I stay around a little longer, TigerLilly?
TIGERLILLY No, suit yourself. [Caul takes off hairnet] Wow!
CAULAINCOURT What?
TIGERLILLY Well, I hate to tell you this, but your hair looks like a Ryan Seacrest makeover.
CAULAINCOURT Oh, yeah. Well, I-I had a little trouble tainting myself. In fact, I had a little
trouble with a lot of taint. Beauty school sure wasn't what I thought it was gonna be.
TIGERLILLY Oh, nothing ever is.
CAULAINCOURT TigerLilly... uh, I dropped out. What do you think of waitressing?
TIGERLILLY You're too young to know.
CAULAINCOURT Hmmm. Hey, maybe I could be a tech support analyst.
TIGERLILLY Oh!
CAULAINCOURT Nah, I don't think I would like to wear that headset on my hair. God! I-if only
I had a guardian angel to tell me what to do. You know, like Burt Reynolds had in
"Three Men and a Baby." What do you think?
TIGERLILLY If you find him, give him my phone number - I'm horny. [walks out, Shlongy appears]
["TRANNY SCHOOL DROPOUT"]
SHLONGY *Your story's sad to tell*
*An Uber ne'er-do-well*
*Most mixed up non-shit user on the site*
*Your future's so unclear now*
*What's left of your career now?*
*Can't even start to think of what to write*
(la)
(la, la, la)
(la, la, la)
(la, la, la)
(la, la, la, la, la, la)
(la, la, la, la, la, la)
(la, la, la, la, la, la, la)
*Tranny school dropout*
*No fishnet stockings left for you*
*Tranny school dropout*
*Screwed up your perms with bad shampoo*
*Well, at least you could have taken time to wash and clean your posts up*
*After spendin' all that dough to have Fat Tony take his clothes off*
*Frenchy, get movin' (Better get movin')*
*Why keep your feeble posts alive?*
*What are you provin'? (What are you provin'?)*
*You've got the dream but not the drive*
*If you come out of the closet then you wouldn't have to quit (laa ...)*
*Cut out your tranny ways and don't be a dipshit (la, la, la, la, la)*
(la, la, la, la)
(la, la, la, la, la, la, la)
*Tranny school dropout (Tranny school dropout)*
*Hangin' around to chat with slore*
*Tranny school dropout (Tranny school dropout)*
*Staying on here, you'll never score*
*Well, I couldn't teach you anything, you think you're such a looker (ooh ...)*
*But no Uber n00b would stroke your dick unless she was a hooker (ooh ...)*
*Baby, don't sweat it (Don't sweat it)*
*You're not cut out for writing jobs (ooh, ooh, ooh)*
*Better forget it (Forget it)*
*Who wants a post done by a knob? (ooh, ooh, ooh)*
*Now, your bangs are wack, you wax your back, but still the world is cruel (ooh ...)*
*Suck me off, angel face, and don't be a big tool (ooh ...)*
*Baby, don't blow it*
*Just take it up the butt for fame*
*Baby, you know it*
*Even Bart Cilfone'd say the same*
*Now, before I'm shot, sit on the pot, and make me wanna cry (aah ...)*
*But just be careful not to get cum in your eye*
* Tranny school dropout (Tranny school dropout)*
*Don't be a big tool*
* Tranny school dropout (Tranny school dropout)*
* Don't be a big tool *
* Tranny school dropout (Tranny school dropout)*
* Don't be a big tool (aah ...)*
To be continued....
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-11 15:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMMIT, SFAGGOT, I LOVE YOU
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-08-04 22:15:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
T A W T
Objects in mirror are larger than they appear.
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Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-04 16:45:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus read this, crawled back in the tomb, and used your words to suck the rock back in place.
Christ killer.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-08-11 14:40:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See review on the last one: http://www.ubersite.com/m/91698#2097119
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-08-10 18:27:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AXOLOTL Yeah? Well, that's still more than we make. So, uh, ante up because I don't get my
allowance until Friday.
BADASSMOFO What, you get an allowance?
AXOLOTL When I'm a good boy, I do.
----
*dies*
I work two jobs for my money, and I'm being interviewed for a third. -2die.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-08-10 15:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'M A SUPPORTING CHARACTER!!!
*sobs*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91632
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-05 03:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was just a beautiful bit of writing here.
As beautiful as a dead hooker being eaten by rats...
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-08-04 22:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
T A W T
Objects in mirror are larger than they appear.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-08-04 20:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I am not in act 4 I will kill my cats.
Then post it.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-08-04 18:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for not including me in a musical. Thank you.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-04 17:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My pie is the best. Especially with some Hello Kitty wine.
SEE YOU DIDN'T THINK I READ THESE DID YOU?
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-04 16:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jesus read this, crawled back in the tomb, and used your words to suck the rock back in place.
Christ killer.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-08-04 16:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha what the hell
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-08-04 16:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was gayer than homosexuality
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-04 16:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto 'gayer than homosexuality' +2
(it'll come in time, just you wait and see)
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-04 16:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey! Whattya know! Instant +2.
Just add Shlongy and stir.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-04 16:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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