St Eubrie: 1854 Cherry Lane (734 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.75 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Foolproof (View user info) at 2006-08-05 06:42:22 EDT
He awakes with a start. The shrieking buzz of the alarm clock pierces the morning. After fumbling for a second, he pushes the button he'd been looking for.
His eyes burn from the morning sun coming in lines through the blinds. The bitter taste in his mouth makes him thirsty as he smacks his lips and rubs his eyes. He groggily sits upright and surveys the room.
Laura is out of town for the weekend, having taken the kids to her mother's house in Baltimore. That left him to his own devices for the next two days. He had some plans, though. He wanted to mow the lawn, he had neglected it for too long. Laura wanted him to fix the mailbox and paint the window pane for the dining room. There were other things, also. He just needed coffee right now.
He puts on his robe and shuffles down the hall to the bathroom. The sting in his gut told him this was his first job today. Leaving the door open, he pulls himself out of his boxers and releases the stream of urine.
After what seemed like ten minutes, he finishes and flushes. He starts down stairs but stops when he hears the toilet is still running. He goes back and jiggles the handle. Just one more job today.
When he gets to the kitchen his beagle lifts his head from the floor, then lays back down when he realizes it isn't a burglar.
Mike grabs the coffee pot and empties it in the sink. He rinses it out and fills it with water then fills the maker. He opens the cupboard and sees the re aren't any filters.
"Great." he remarks, disappointed.
He opens the fridge to get some juice when there is a knock at the door.
He peeks out the living room window, but doesn't see anybody on the porch. He opens the door to find a nondescript package. Normal brown postal wrapping tied with tan colored twine. He picks it up and inspects it a little. No address, no name.
"What's this doing here?"
He walks to the sidewalk but can't see anybody walking away. He lets the warm spring sun bathe his face for a moment as he takes in the fresh cut grass smell. His mind wanders a moment, but he regains his composure and returns inside.
He sets the package near the door and walks away, heading to the kitchen for breakfast.
After a nice bacon and egg breakfast, Mike heads upstairs to put some clothes on. An old Metallica t-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts. A pair of sock and his old Airwalks and he's out the back door.
He gets the lawnmower out of the shed and fills the gas and oil. Then he needs to get all of the toys out of the yard, which takes him a good fifteen minutes. He doesn't mind though, he loves his boys and gives them all the toys they want.
"Mornin' Mike! Nice day, huh?"
"Hey, Paul. How goes things?" Mike replies, although he doesn't really care.
"Good, good. Me and the missus are heading to the flea market. See if we can't find some deals on those little turtle statues Kerri loves. Fill the garden with them."
"That's great, Paul, but this lawn ain't gonna mow itself. I'll see ya later. Tell Kerri I sais hello, okay."
Before Paul could respond, he had started the mower drowning him out.
His mind wanders as he mows back and forth, same pattern every time. Nothing much changes in his life, and he's just fine with that. He thinks about his wife and kids. Some work related ideas pop into his head, but he quickly dismisses them.
Then, as always, the visions come back. The scenes of death, destruction, and war he cannot shake. The doctors told him they couldn't do anything for him. The flashbacks would be there forever. Something he just had to get used to and overcome.
He finishes the lawn and leave the mower where he stopped. He opens the back door and Roscoe goes running out into the yard, urinating on a part of the fence. Mike goes to the kitchen and grabs a soda. As he opens it and takes a drink he sees the package again. He had forgot about it until now, and he may as well open it.
Grabbing a pair of scissors, he cuts the twine. He pulls back the wrapping to reveal a plain white cardboard box. On the top flap is written the word "Forgiven".
He cuts the tape and opens the flaps. He stand sup, knocking the box over, his pulse racing. He stares at the contents in disbelief and horror.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-02-19 13:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Um. Risk is, I write anything to you, you're gonna scream "emo!" and swear a lot at me.
But, here's the thing. Too many mundane details. And yes, I am the queen of 'no details, no depth', but you had a 'too many details, no depth' thing going on here.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-01 19:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by URMY_bitch (user info) at 2006-08-16 10:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Cinderblock (user info) at 2006-08-10 05:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-07 04:50:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-08 23:53:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-07 07:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-07 04:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-06 16:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-06 14:54:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:41:55 (#)
Ranking: 1
There's something about your phrasing that strikes me as a little odd, and which I believe could be improved. Sometimes it's word choices, sometimes it's how they are put together.
But the idea is a good one, and the structure was fine.
___________________________________________________
If all writers used the same words and sentence structure it would be a pretty
boring world, huh?
-----
No, that's not what I meant. There's plenty of words for everyone. Doing something interesting with the same ones we all use takes talent.
What was odd about it, specifically, however, DOES relate to what Bubba said. It was almost as if the writer was imitating what he's read before, as opposed to finding his own voice.
I just didn't want to call the guy derivative, because that sounds harsher than it is. There are only seven stories in existence, anyway. Everybody has to find a way to re-tell them.
So by derivative, I just mean the writer should strive to find his own style, because that's the only way to stand out over the din of mediocrity.
Otherwise it can be pretty vanilla, which is boring indeed.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-06 15:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack now we are going to have 3 vets, Marty, Mike, and your character. This could make for an interesting interaction between the three.
Mike seems like hes seen alot more in war.
Marty's experience seems to be a more uneventful one
Im curious to see what yours is.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-06 15:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I won't kvetch about the little typos and stuff. I'm King of the Typos.
I want to see where this is going.
I'm working on something with a vet as one of the characters as well.
Oh, and UnderOathMeal's reply was a fucking classic.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-06 14:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:41:55 (#)
Ranking: 1
There's something about your phrasing that strikes me as a little odd, and which I believe could be improved. Sometimes it's word choices, sometimes it's how they are put together.
But the idea is a good one, and the structure was fine.
___________________________________________________
If all writers used the same words and sentence structure it would be a pretty
boring world, huh?
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There's something about your phrasing that strikes me as a little odd, and which I believe could be improved. Sometimes it's word choices, sometimes it's how they are put together.
But the idea is a good one, and the structure was fine.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-06 12:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice start.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-05 13:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LINKWHORE!- http://www.ubersite.com/m/91431
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-05 10:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" ... in the box was a perfect, mint condition T-206 Honus Wagner baseball card. It's worth alone could upgrade the push-mower to a riding one a thousand times over."
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-05 10:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice...looking to see where it goes.
BTW I got dibs on 1859 cherry lane you butt fucks!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-05 08:57:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What could possibly be in the box? That's what makes this so cool. . .
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-05 07:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Yes, I think I'm going to like this little game of Jack's...