St. Eubrie: Fast Times at Wilbeck High (604 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: comedy
Rating: -0.36 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Maltese (View user info) at 2006-08-06 09:30:24 EDT
Twenty-three 18-year-olds sit in a boring twelfth-grade literature class, listening to their teacher, Ms. Melville, discuss Shakespeare.
Ms. Melville wasn't exactly the most attractive person in the world. She was sixty years old, wrinkly, and 350 pounds. But she tried her best to educate them and earn a decent salary.
Meanwhile, in the back of the class, two 18-year-old boys, Jimmy Childress and Scott Millett, share sketchbook drawings of video game characters.
"Boys, put that away. You must learn about Shakespeare.", said Ms. Melville.
Five minutes of silence passed.
And then...
Jimmy and Scott walked up to the board to Ms. Melville. Jimmy stripped all of his clothes off and took out a piece of sandpaper and wrapped it around his cock. Then he stuck it up Ms. Melville's tight teacher asshole in front of the whole class.
THAT'S RIGHT MAH NIGGAZ DAT BITCH BE GETTIN RAPED WIT A SANDPAPER CONDOM!!!1!
Meanwhile, Scott stealthily crept up behind Jimmy and SLAMMED his penis deep into his ass until the penis was deep enough for flesh to curl his hair ..AND quickly buttfucked Jimmy a second time, causing a wild spurt of blood! ...AND fucked Jimmy HARD a third time to get his point across! All of the sudden, Jimmy's entrails burst out of his mouth!
Meanwhile, Jimmy returned to the assrape of the teacher.
"OMIGAWSH OMIGAWSH DIS HURTS LIKE A BEYOTCH IT HURTS PLZ STOP!!!1!", shouted Ms. Melville.
Then, all the sudden, the 1991 Denver Broncos barged through the classroom door and drop-kicked a baby which hit Jimmy in his cawknballz.
"OMIGAWSH NOW I AM TEH STERILE AND CANNAWT CUNTINUE TEECHER RAPE!!!1!", lamented Jimmy.
All of the sudden, Scott balled up onto the floor and shat diarrhea out of his ass, ALL OVER THE FUCKING CLASSROOM!!!1! Then Crazy Frog came out of his ass and started singing Axel F so all the girls in the class sucked their dicks and got shit all over their mouths. After tossing Ms. Melville's body from the window (after a prolonged session of ghey anilingus), the class marched out into the streets and torched the KwikSnack while the BOSH man arrived, who strummed "Stairway to Heaven" with his BOSH pen0s until he jizzed in everyone's face, turning them into supermen. They raided the KwikSnack and consumed all the pork rinds and peed in the Cheetos.
Meanwhile, Jimmy returned Scott's favor.
Jimmy raped Scott until his ass was green with rapesoda, then proceeded to fuck an old lady for fun in the park for bald people. In the park, he also found an eaten hamburger sitting on a wooden dildo... THE DILDO SUCKS ON THE EATEN HAMBURGERS NOSE UNTIL IT SNORES LIKE A SMORGASBOARD!!!! I LOVE POTATOES!!!1!
Then Jimmy returned to the KwikSnack where they saw the BOSH man, who, of course, was being mondo BOSH.
Then they robbed Todd Aiken, holding a loaded cock to his throat.
"You hear me bitch? Open the register or I'll give you a fucking pearl necklace!", said Scott, brandishing his scary pen0r.
Then they took the money and found Tubgirl. Cornelius Gaynigger, a new student, pushed his dick into Tubgirl's spewing ass until his dick filled up with shit and POPPED!!!1! Then he cried.
Then Jimmy shit on a cheerleader's chest and Scott picked up the feces and smeared it all over his hairy pen0r, climaxing.
"OH! YES! YES! YESSSS!!! OH! OH! OH! IT'S SO GOOD! AAAAAAAGHHHH!!! *ejaculationz0rz*".
Then they made Slurpees in an old lady's asshole and raped Raven-Symone until she said "OH SNAP" 41 times.
Finally, they raped Jack McCallum and gave him the ghey AIDS, so they fucked a dead Eskimo baby up the ass and torched it in celebration.
The BOSH man and I spent the rest of the day listening to Nirvana, lighting up cigarettes, and nodding in agreement.
And that's why I like cupcakes.
BLARGITY
BLARGITY
BLARGITY
BLARGITY
BLARGITY
BLARGITY
BLARGITY
BLARGITY
AAAAAAAH
--- TO BE CONTINUED ---
User Reviews
Submitted by Snalty (user info) at 2006-08-17 22:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yeaaahhhh NO.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-08-07 09:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-08-07 03:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, this was a waste of 5 minutes...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-07 01:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I knew there would be some posts taking swings at the series. That's cool.
I thought this was funny, it just kinda dragged on for too long.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-08-06 23:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hell yes
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-06 20:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-08-06 18:36:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
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WHORE
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-08-06 18:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-08-06 17:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i laughed...i laugh at everything, though, so this probably isn't funny....at all
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-06 17:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-06 17:05:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
My cauliflower arm is the glory of my being.
----
As is my stick body.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-06 17:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My cauliflower arm is the glory of my being.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-08-06 17:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:-D
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2006-08-06 15:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe. I liked it
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-06 15:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry about that.
"You hear me bitch? Open the register or I'll give you a fucking pearl necklace!", said Scott, brandishing his scary pen0r.
That was funny. This was the most enjoyable of all the St. Eubrie posts I've read so far.
By the way, I hate that fucking name for a small town.
I guess Jack wrote HIS story a while back including the character that gave the town its name, and now we all have to suffer for it.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-06 15:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:52:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
I think people give you shit mostly because you fight back. Your outspoken political views would factor in for some, I suppose.
<<The longer you stick around the longer you'll see people with higher ratings who coincidentally only post stuff they hope will go over positively. I know I'm gonna get trashed with my opinions, but hey, fuck'em. How else am I gonna enlighten the masses?>>
I made up the statistics, anyway. Just fucking around. Be funny if I was close, though.
<<I do shit like that all the time, or make screen shots of fake websites and have people angrily say they can't find the thing. "This is total BS! -2!!!">>
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-06 14:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:15:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
*long rant*
You hijacked mah post now imo keel u WEEEPS
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-06 14:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-06 14:03:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:54:39 (#)
Ranking: -2
KindaNews, opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one and they all stink.
-----
Thus, Ubersite is born.
_____________________________________
You're entitled to your opinions, as long as they agree with mine. :)
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-06 14:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:54:39 (#)
Ranking: -2
KindaNews, opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one and they all stink.
-----
Thus, Ubersite is born.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
KindaNews, opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one and they all stink.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:36:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
It is a form of nepotism, which one may find difficult to break through from the outside, and difficult to refuse from the inside.
Granted also is the fact that longer term users will normally prefer it this way, so they 'retain their hold on power' so to speak. The same phenomenon occurs at practically all levels of human endeavor which include group interaction. Politics is an interesting but imperfect example. Power, in the case of ubersite, being relative 'popularity.'
However, this may ultimately lead to corruption and the stagnation of new ideas, as human nature assigns to 'protection of turf' an ever increasing importance. Corruption, in this case, being the subversion of the original criteria for growth.
--
This argument is flawed.
Some of the most popular writers, Thecaes being a good example, joined only in the last two years or so.
And if you read my early posts for example, you'll see that I had to eat shit for quite a while. I only gained respect from some here after competing in a contest in which the authors were anonymous. Well, I still eat shit... from random alters who contribute little and shit on everything.
-----
I think people give you shit mostly because you fight back. Your outspoken political views would factor in for some, I suppose.
But you're a good writer, and sometimes virtue really is its own reward.
And honestly, a good writer, I mean a truly good writer, is a rarity on Uber, as it would be on any similar site. All things being relative, of course.
I made up the statistics, anyway. Just fucking around.
Be funny if I was close, though.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It is a form of nepotism, which one may find difficult to break through from the outside, and difficult to refuse from the inside.
Granted also is the fact that longer term users will normally prefer it this way, so they 'retain their hold on power' so to speak. The same phenomenon occurs at practically all levels of human endeavor which include group interaction. Politics is an interesting but imperfect example. Power, in the case of ubersite, being relative 'popularity.'
However, this may ultimately lead to corruption and the stagnation of new ideas, as human nature assigns to 'protection of turf' an ever increasing importance. Corruption, in this case, being the subversion of the original criteria for growth.
--
This argument is flawed.
Some of the most popular writers, Thecaes being a good example, joined only in the last two years or so.
And if you read my early posts for example, you'll see that I had to eat shit for quite a while. I only gained respect from some here after competing in a contest in which the authors were anonymous. Well, I still eat shit... from random alters who contribute little and shit on everything.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny mainly because I was picturing the steam coming out of Bubba's ears as he read it.
Do continue.
The idea of the series is a good one, and will encourage more short fiction.
But it IS ripe for parody.
Both the idea and the fictional town.
And the title was very good.
On a side note, here's a statistical analysis of ubersite, and my own conclusions:
The number of uberers who post regularly (at least twice a week over the course of six months) is consistently under 100.
The percentage of uberers who post at least once a month (over the prior 12 month period): less than 1% of membership
The percentage of uberers who post once every six months (semi-active) Less than 4%
Granted, this does not factor in people with more than one user name, people who join and never come back, etc. It would actually behoove the site in the long run to purge such members, but in the short run, advertising revenue, meager though it may be, may preclude such action. Not knowing the precise criteria used, if any, besides number of hits, I can posit no firmer conclusion.
What these figures indicate is that ubersite is actually a relatively insular community.
New users are treated relatively poorly at times, which is certainly to be expected, especially on the internet, but not at all conducive to growing the "community."
It is a form of nepotism, which one may find difficult to break through from the outside, and difficult to refuse from the inside.
Granted also is the fact that longer term users will normally prefer it this way, so they 'retain their hold on power' so to speak. The same phenomenon occurs at practically all levels of human endeavor which include group interaction. Politics is an interesting but imperfect example. Power, in the case of ubersite, being relative 'popularity.'
However, this may ultimately lead to corruption and the stagnation of new ideas, as human nature assigns to 'protection of turf' an ever increasing importance. Corruption, in this case, being the subversion of the original criteria for growth.
It is the rare individual indeed who truly 'votes' for the good of all over his own self interest, regardless of how well he understands what that actually means.
One theory has it that at some point, multiple competing entities will cooperate when they understand it to be in the best interests of all, simply for the sake of survival, but what applies in the business world will ultimately fail here, in my opinion.
As new users join and leave, or become inactive because of such capricious nature, the stagnant numbers will gradually decrease, as the membership of any internet based group ultimately does.
An interesting example within ubersite itself is the recent ADD contest. In a careful reading of the entries and the reviews, it is obvious the contest, generally speaking, is operating partially as a chatroom exercise; a way for friendly members to interact. Which is perfectly fine, and even quaint. But it also reveals the site's true nature. And these enterprises never last, simply because people grow up, get married, go on to other things, etc. Human nature. The kind of commitment to a site like this required to 'retain power' is of the magnitude that precludes the growth of active membership numbers because of aforementioned reasons, and discourages sustainable growth.
The contest encouraged the cliquish behavior that causes such stagnation, and thus will, albeit in a very small way, hasten the demise of the site in its current incarnation.
I believe major changes will probably occur within the next two years if the site is to survive.
I find the site immensely entertaining, and understand completely its addicting character, which is, of course, the reason it has lasted this long as a free site, mostly free of advertising.
So, enjoy it while it lasts. Uber, like high school (which it mirrors to a remarkable degree) won't last forever.
This essay will be self published in the fall, by KindaNews Press.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Crap.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-06 12:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I take it this isn't part of the story line.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-06 12:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nope.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-06 12:44:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
From these reviews I conclude I am a shit-covered pile of awesome skin. Wow.
Submitted by greEn_uGly (user info) at 2006-08-06 11:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome....
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-06 11:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are a waste of skin and oxygen.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-08-06 10:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You, sir, are shit.