And the Oscar Goes To... (407 hits)
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Submitted by Choir (View user info) at 2006-08-07 12:19:57 EDT
It's a cliche as old as Hollywood itself: musicians secretly want to be actors and actors want to be musicians. Time and time again we are subject to witnessing the same trainwrecks over and over with new faces, and every year we chew 'em up and spit 'em out with nary a second thought. You'd think they would learn already.
Yeah, yeah, yeah; actors wanna be musicians and vice versa. And you know, it'd almost be alright if that was the end of it. But what of those actors who aren't overcome with this particular complex? Not to worry. With all the stories there are to tell and ways there are to tell them, the opprotunities available to insult audiences can be mixed and matched to take care of just about anyone with a T.V., stereo, or the ability to read. My personal favorite is when an actor plays the role of a musician while, ironically, they have no interest in music whatsoever, a fact that is made painfully obvious to the musically inclined members of the audience. I mean, hell, I have seen more than enough music videos where the "talent" has had a hard time making me believe he knows what he's doing, never mind some Tinseltown dipshit looking to beef up his\her portfolio by playing in a musical. But far be it from me to overlook the good or the bad and not give credit where credit is due.
So, in the spirit of recognizing the ones we love...
Lou Diamond Phillips - La Bamba: I'm much too young to know jack shit about Buddy Holly, the "Big Bopper", or Ritchie Valens, but I know when I'm having my leg pulled. Lou can NOT play guitar. Why the director didn't just hang a hockey stick from Chavez's shoulder is beyond me. I can't imagine that being any less insulting than that Strat he held while lip-syncing (equally questionable) that tune. Nor do I believe that the switch would have made a difference to Mr. Phillips in any way that would matter.
Tara Reid - Josie and the Pussycats: No. Just because you can usually hit the snare on the 2's and 4's does not make you a drummer. There's a whole attitude that goes behind drumming, and she did not have it. This is the time when a really good film editor earns their paycheck, with overtime. I was on board for Rachel Leigh Cook, though. Oh yeah. Everything you do is perfect, sweetie.
Geoffery Rush - Shine: Just to prove I'm not merely ranting, I'll say that this was fairly good. While I'm skeptical about most of the shots being "stunt hands," there are a few shots where the camera pans from the face to the hands, and I was not taken out of the moment by those shots. Does he really play? I dunno, I don't know how to play piano so it would be easier to fool me on that one. But I didn't want to throw shit at the screen, so I guess that says something.
Brandon Lee - The Crow: Out of respect for the dead, how can I put this as gently as possible? Ummm...karma's a bitch?
Timothy Olyphont - Rock Star: Another disappointment, and a bad one this time. Olyphont stole the screen in the movie Go, and I've not been let down by him since, but the dude cannot act like a guitarist. It was bad. Real bad. It's just a good thing he was a supporting character or I'd be pissed. Tim, you were lazy. How could you, man?
Steve Zahn, Tom Everett Scott, Ethan Embry and Johnathon Scaech (aka: The Oneders, aka: The Wonders) - That Thing You Do!: Thank God for this movie, and thank God that it was Tom Hanks' baby. The authenticity of the performances was stellar, and the fact that Hanks wrote some of the music only made the demands on the actors that much more rigoris, I'm sure. Cracking the whip truly paid off. Scott in particular was brilliant, even if his cohorts were just convincing as opposed to, say, phenomenol. A real gem, this film. Unfortunately, even this pails in comparison to...
Ralph Macchio - Crossroads: This one still wins my heart over and is by far the best musical I've seen. If I didn't know better I'd swear that he knew what he was doing. Blues, classical, slide, even the finger-picking was pretty spot on, I'm still stunned by the fact that he didn't know how to play. He must have had one helluva coach, not to mention a natural sense of rhythm that I hope hasn't gone to waste. I don't even mind that he pantomimed Steve Vai losing to himself in the finale. It's all good. And of course Steve mimicked his own mistakes flawlessly. Perfect on all accounts. There will be no Hellhounds on his trail for this performance. No sir.
But they'll keep coming. The bad musicals, I mean. Yeah, they just won't stop. I can't wait until they start blending them like the Freddy Vs. Jason, Alien Vs. Predator, or Gleaming the Cube 2: Gleaming the Hypercube fad. Ok, so that last one doesn't exist, but wouldn't it be cool if it did? I mean imagine: Christian Slater avoiding all those traps on his trusty skateboard (at the dignified age of what, 45?) and then all of a sudden !!WHAMMO!! a semi tractor-trailer comes plowing through the wall and flattens him out. Bitchin'. And who would be behind the wheel when the truck comes to a screeching halt with Slater's corpse flailing to pieces as he dangles from that cute mud-flap with the naked lady on it? Why Lou Diamond Phillips, of course. And he'll probably blame the fact that he couldn't act like a truck driver on hitchhiker Tara Reid's off-beat hand job skills. Passing the buck. Ah shit, it makes me sick.
User Reviews
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-08-08 07:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-07 15:32:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
I've never seen any of those movies and can't imagine why anyone would want to see Rock Star.
I thought what's his name did a good job of Jim Morrison in The Doors.
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Agreed, but then he was playing a pissed up druggie so most actors should have been able to managed that.
I thought Ray Charles played a pretty good Ray Charles in Blues Brothers.
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2006-08-07 19:56:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-07 15:32:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
I've never seen any of those movies and can't imagine why anyone would want to see Rock Star.
I thought what's his name did a good job of Jim Morrison in The Doors.
and technically any post about music related movies that has any sort of list should really go to 11
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You mean Val Kilmer
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-07 15:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've never seen any of those movies and can't imagine why anyone would want to see Rock Star.
I thought what's his name did a good job of Jim Morrison in The Doors.
and technically any post about music related movies that has any sort of list should really go to 11
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-08-07 15:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it...ur...I dunno, it was OK I guess...um there was....something there....I dont wanna minus it OR plus it...it was just....it existed?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-07 13:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-07 12:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait, what!?!?!
This was a very poorly constructed post that left out quite a number of music movies. And I have no idea what the Christian Slater bit was about, sorry. This could have been a quality post with a bit more research and some editing.
But you mentioned the beauty and the glory that is Rachael Leigh Cook, so you will get no negative from me, sir!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-07 12:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"So, in the spirit of recognizing the ones we love..."
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How dare you speak on my behalf. I don't love any of these twats.
-2DIE