Increase Your Ejaculation By 581% (1607 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.55 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <zfx84.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-08-08 00:36:08 EDT
I received in my e-mail a nice little piece of spam, the title of which promised me that with a simple pill, I could increase my ejaculation by up to 581%!!!!!! Now, I just had to open it and read it, regardless of whether or not it contained a virus. According to the spam mail, this so-called pill was real science and not a gimmick. It then goes on to say, "Increase your sex drive!", "Stronger erections!", "Longer lasting orgasms!", "More intense orgasms!", and "Shoot up to 13 feet!" It also tells me to try the amazing product by only taking 2 pills a day. Now, obviously this e-mail is completely true. It has to be! It even said in the body of the e-mail that it wasn't a gimmick, so I have to believe it, although it doesn't quite state where it gets the 581% number from. I contemplated whether or not I should take up the offer and try it. Two pills a day isn't that big of an inconvenience, and what harm could it do? But then I thought, "do I really need the pill?" I wasn't sure, so I decided to test myself.
First off, I had to test my sex drive. I went outside and grabbed the first hot woman I saw by the arm, and fucked her right there...out in public and on the ground. Not on the sissy soft grass, mind you, but on the hard jagged concrete of the sidewalk. Each new scrape on our backs from the rough surface heightened the sexual pleasure tenfold. We fucked like the world's last two Dodo birds would fuck just before they became extinct. Five hours later, we finally finished to a crowd of clapping spectators that had gathered around to watch the show. There was no doubt that my sex drive was insanely awesome, and since we fucked for about five hours, I would say that the orgasm was about 20 minutes long for me, and 2 hours long for her. And obviously, my orgasm was already intense enough, because when we were done, it was so powerful that it temporarily paralyzed her. When she got the feeling back in her legs some 30 minutes later, she probably realized that she wouldn't be able to shit right for a month. So far, it seemed that I didn't need the pill...I had just proven that three of the e-mail's claims don't apply to me because there was no need for improvement.
I went back inside the house and left the woman that was crippled by my cock in the care of the crowd, which suddenly decided to turn the event into a gang bang session without me. Anyway, back inside, I next needed to test the strength of my erection. So I took a bunch of the unused weights from my never used weight-lifting set, and hung them on a rope tied to my cock. As the weights dangled there, I kept adding more and more to see how much my cock could hold until it broke. Well guess what, it never broke. I ran out of weights to use and topped out at around 230 lbs. So I didn't need the pill for that either, I already exceeded expectations in that department as well.
The last thing to test was to see how far my semen shoots. The pill claimed, "shoot up to 13 feet"; I bet that I could do better. I tested this the easiest and most obvious way possible...via masturbation. After 12 seconds I shot my load and watched it fly. It went so far that I had to get a tape measure, which ran short because it only went to 60 feet. So I didn't need the pill at all, really. But when I shot semen well farther than 60 feet, I couldn't help but wonder what the air-speed velocity of the semen was? How fast did it travel? The e-mail said nothing about increasing how fast your semen shoots. I had made myself curious and decided to try and figure it out. So, let's assume a start height of 3 feet (average height from the ground to the penis), then let's round it to 1 meter for simplicity's sake. We'll take 13 feet to be 4.33333 meters (approximations should be sufficient for this). If we do assume that the initial trajectory is horizontal, then the semen would hit the ground in...
d=v*t -at^2 (assume the initial vertical velocity = 0)
t=(d/a)^.5
t=0.319 seconds
Now, the semen won't accelerate in the horizontal direction if we neglect air resistance (which is reasonable, given that semen has a fairly small surface area and shouldn't be traveling that fast. Plus we know nothing of the atmospheric conditions in the room, so in 0.319 seconds, it would have to be traveling at 13.5 meters/second (v=d/t) which is 48.5 kilometers/hour. That would roughly come out to about 30mph, for those of us in non-metric countries. However, that is according to the 13 feet that the e-mail claims. I shot well further than the 13 feet, but since the tape measure ran out and I don't know exactly how far I shot, I will use the maximum length of that tape measure; 60 feet. Which in the end, after those calculations, means that my semen traveled about 50mph...I think. I'm not even really sure what I'm talking about anymore, as I'm sure none of you can understand it.
Anyway, I'm sure it's pretty fucking fast. So, in the end, all the things that the pill promises, I don't need. I exceed well beyond any of their claims and I'm positive that my semen shoots fast enough to stab out the eye of a street corner hooker as I drive past her in my car with my wang hanging out the window aimed right at her face. That means, I guess I will not be taking their offer and will be saving myself the $39.95. Now if you all will excuse me, I have another spam e-mail offer to consider, entitled "Pregnant, But Don't Wanna Be? Try Our Coat Hanger Self-Abortion Kit!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-08-08 23:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well if you angled the cock, that is, assuming you didn't ejaculate while it exactly level with the ground, you are going to get some variation the time it takes to hit the ground. I mean, even a 5 degree angle will throw your results off quite a bit--depending on length, of course. You also have to consider curvature, if there is, say, a 7 degree curve from base to head, the semen will be on an elliptical course, so even if you *were* level with the ground, it would have some upward velocity. However, I'm fairly certain the optimum angle is probably between 30 and 45, so at any rate you weren't at ideal conditions, so 60+ feet is respectable.
Sorry to hear about not getting invited to the gang bang session.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-08 20:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ballsonurchin (user info) at 2006-08-08 03:40:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
you had me at hello
______________________
BEST POSITIVE NOOB GREETING EVAR!!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-08 20:38:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for math.
Auto -2 for being anonymous and only having an e-mail address as a name.
Auto +2 because I HAVE JUST PASSED 10,000 HITS! WHOOP DE FUCKING DO!!!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-08-08 18:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the velocity, acceleration, and trajectory calculations.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-08 15:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
581%??
I don't think I can fit any more vibrators up my ass, so I doubt the veracity of yuor claim...
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-08-08 11:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
...but if you took the pill, you could improve upon the stats listed about by 581%. NOW THAT would be a spectacle.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-08 10:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-08 08:50:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-08 08:19:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
given your reading comprehension skills it was obvious to the rest of us that you live in Georgia.
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You suck and your writing is paltry at best. There's not more to say about it.
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you do understand I was referring to your apparent inability to recall simple facts from a short story you had just finished reading, right?
Moreover, my writing is not on trial here, whereas your ignorance is. You do realize I didn't write this piece, nor have I undertaken any serious writing going on about a year now?
Lastly, I do want to thank you for the compliment on the quality of my writing. It is absolute trash at best. Which is what people usually like.
I mean, you obviously read my incest series.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-08 08:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-08 08:19:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
given your reading comprehension skills it was obvious to the rest of us that you live in Georgia.
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You suck and your writing is paltry at best. There's not more to say about it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-08 08:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't think that Shlongy can increase his spooge volume or distance any.
I shoot a load when I eat a pack of "Smarties", for chrissakes.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-08 08:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
given your reading comprehension skills it was obvious to the rest of us that you live in Georgia.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-08 08:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
13 feet?
PSSSHHHHHHH
I laugh at your feeble attempts.
I can put a Canadian's eye out with my jizz and I live in Georgia.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-08-08 07:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good start
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-08-08 05:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
Submitted by ballsonurchin (user info) at 2006-08-08 03:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you had me at hello
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-08 03:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahaha
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-08 03:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-08-08 03:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Literate, creative, and humorous? You won't last long here.
I tried that stuff, it was more like 579.5%. Can you say "ripoff"?
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-08 01:08:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How can anyone not give this a +2?
Submitted by Sockster (user info) at 2006-08-08 00:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't decide to positive or negative this.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2006-08-08 00:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i really don't know what to make of this. its really odd.
it's not negative material, but i know it's not +2 worthy.
I'll give you a 1 to be safe. enjoy it.