Masturbation and My New Neighbors; In That Order (1716 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.7 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2006-08-08 04:20:35 EDT
The reason I have to put this matter first is actually inconsequential, because the latter part of this epic tale is to be the forte.
I've noticed that many new forums and men's magazines, suggest masturbation in the shower. This is due to many reasons, but the one that has struck me as misleading is: An Easy Clean-up.
I not only suggest that this is a falsehood, but bear the stripes of voluntary experimentation. Sure, the initial blasts are washed safely down the drain, but the residual that ends up on the back of your hand, wrist, and stomach (depending on your particular location at the "time of ignition". i.e.-Bath, shower, front porch having someone hose you down after you have just played in the mud) is a whole other story. For some reason, after semen gets washed down, it takes on the physical and adhesive qualities of rubber cement. This can lead to embarrassing and consequently, dangerous situations that must be discussed in another place and time, but let's just say, I'm no longer allowed in the Sharper Image store by my house. Which brings me to the new place.
As far as my neighbors part of the title goes, I moved, yet again to a beach house on the Chesapeake Bay in Virginia last weekend, and while moving is probably one of the greatest inconveniences known to man, the house is amazing, and it's a chance to meet some new people. This is the 8 paragraph traffic, of our story.
I went to the new house early to take some measurements in the bedroom for the hammock I was to put in. Let me be the first to tell you that this is a bad idea. I know it sounds like a good time, but napping on the hammock in the yard, and attempting to get a good night's sleep in your room are two completely different things. I have, since the time of this post, returned the hammock, and visited a chiropractor.
Two friends of mine, let's call the Jimmy and John, because in fact, that's what their respective names are, agreed to help me move all the items in my possession that required more than one to move. John called me right after I got in my car to start heading their way to tell me that they were ready to go and to pick them up.
Now last week, just so happened to be the hottest week that has ever happened. I'm not saying that because it is a scientific fact, but I cannot remember the last time I had experienced heat such as this with humidity nearing ninety percent, and it was miserable. That's why I chose to wear just a pair of gym shorts, and a wife-beater Tee shirt (more commonly known by its more politically correct name, A-Shirt). The shorts are what would prove to be my undoing.
I got off the phone with "John", when I remembered that I had forgotten my drink in the house, which was somewhat of a necessity in this heat. Unfortunately, this was also the reason that my man-berries were being in secured in a bag that now was the hardness of soft-gum. For the ladies, in case you didn't know, the whole "shrinkage" factor works it's evil magic on the entire package, not just the Flesh Lettuce Penetrator, thus, when I went to extract myself from my automobile, I sat directly on my balls.
Never in my life had I experienced more pain. Pain so great it was a color. A vivid red clouded my vision and I fell, helplessly out of my seat and onto the driveway that adjoins my yard with the neighbor's. About the time that I was reacting to this situation, (which was rolling on the ground, grabbing my crotch, and spitting fluent profanities that would make a pirate blush) the aforementioned neighbor just so happens to be walking out the door with his eight year old daughter.
Now picture this, you are stepping out the door, to take your daughter out for an afternoon of something probably completely wholesome, perhaps taking her for her first pony ride across wheat filled plains or some shit, and you see some bald, sweaty man rolling around in the driveway grabbing his self and cursing.
Yeah...that's me.
He covered his daughter's eyes, shot me a disgusted glance and ushered her, rather swiftly into the car.
I'm sure once I explain the situation; he will take kindly to me being his next door neighbor. I don't even know how to start up the conversation.
"Hey, my name's Average_Dan and I'm sorry about the other day when your daughter watched me writhe in agony at my self inflicted nut-racking—"
No, that wouldn't go over well.
"Dan here, just thought I'd explain about the other day when I was fondling myself in the driveway-"
Shit. Not that either.
Bottom line is, you should learn two things from this post. Never wear gym shorts in extreme heat without proper testicular support, and unless your prostrate is strong enough to ejaculate without any back-of-hand over-spill, or you just use the "let go and hope" technique, (I'm pretty sure you can use the contest clues) don't wank it in the shower.
User Reviews
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-10-11 21:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by rejected (user info) at 2006-10-10 10:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like to jerk off in small confined areas like my mother's pantry or a small doghouse. You know, the kind with the plastic doors as to not be seen.
<< JERKS FURIOUSLY >>
P.S.- I am here. Thanks A_D.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-09-20 01:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
man, the first time i jerked it in the shower, i was like "what the hell...?" shit gets sticky!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-09-01 15:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
picture rulez
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-08-30 08:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate it when your boxer shorts creep back and when you sit down they move back more than your trousers - causing pinching.
Commando is the way to go.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-08-30 08:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I rate this already? Fuck it.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-29 02:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the hell have you been
I'm all alone here with these freaks
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-08-11 11:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the image alone.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-11 01:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought that would amuse you, at least.
And you missed your window. I was bored today.
Have fun @ your yuk show tomorrow :)
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-10 17:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll have you know I was well into breading chicken at work last night when this post came to mind.
So in effect I was thinking about your sack.
And then I fried it up and fed it to the old lady.
THE CHICKEN, DAN, THE CHICKEN
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-08-10 03:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and another one for locals pronouncing "Norfolk" as "Nawfuck"
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-08-10 03:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Portsmouth. NMCP.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-08-09 08:40:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-08-09 03:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHHA @ Yams
Mine always has a marinara stain in it. It is just more "Wife-Beater" friendly.
Submitted by onewetleg (user info) at 2006-08-08 22:34:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For "nut-racking" Can I use that?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-08-08 22:08:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-08-08 22:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes! My prostrate is still STRONG!
I believe its simply referred to as a "wife-beater," as there is no T involved in the shirt. But really, anything is good for wife beating, I don't know why this particular article of clothing was selected.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-08 21:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MAYBE, _Dan, MAYBE
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-08-08 21:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fucking hippies, good for nothing except clogging drains. And getting mushrooms off of cow shit, but other than that, completely useless.
You're right though, the East Coast isn't ready for that deadly combination. Maybe the West Coast is?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-08 20:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That fucking picture is AWFUL.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-08 20:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, I fully expect you to implement the water temperature/pulsing detachable showerhead and chicken-breading techniques and to report, in depth, on their success.
Moving there?
The whole east coast would explode with our combined awesomeness.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-08 20:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-08-08 19:54:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
HOly shit Coley, you just revolutionized the nut chaffing market.
"Shake 'n cake": the new nut powdering answer.
I hear they are selling for $3.50 a box.
===============
Actually they're on special now, check QVC: 2 easy-pay installments of $1.50.
You should see my demonstration; I've got the Price Is Right hand sweep down pat.
PS I have noticed that when our notoriously never-laid off-and-on single dude roommate of the last five years lives here, we use SIGNIFICANTLY more dran-o to ward off clogs. I always wondered if dran-o gel was defeating the purpose of jizz wads.
Or maybe it was cause he was a dready so his hippie hair clogged the drain...
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-08-08 19:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HOly shit Coley, you just revolutionized the nut chaffing market.
"Shake 'n cake": the new nut powdering answer.
I hear they are selling for $3.50 a box.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-08-08 18:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this comment
"As for powdering the balls, you could probably put powder in a tupperware and then just sort of flop them about like you were breading chicken."
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-08-08 18:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was about 14, my dad asked me to stop "blowing my nose in the shower becasue the "snot" kept getting caught in the drain." He knew it wasn't snot. I knew it wasn't snot. I knew he knew. I'm pretty sure he knew I knew he knew. And we never spoke of it again.
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-08-08 17:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a funny read.
This comment deserves a +2 in it's own right:
"put powder in a tupperware and then just sort of flop them about like you were breading chicken"
WHY DOES THAT SOUND SO GREAT?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-08 15:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-08-08 13:35:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Baby powder the balls huh?
Sounds provocative and lovely, I just may give that a whirl.
----
oh yeah, ITS DA BOMB
heh, nut-racking.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-08 14:40:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am both amused and disgusted at the same time.
Now, I believe the key to preventing seminal fluid coagulation whilst in the showering unit is proper water temperature. The higher the water temperature, the faster the rate at which said jizz will attach itself to thine leg hair, feet, hands, between your toes, etc. I suggest a lower wanking water temp, along with a detachable shower head which you can set at "pulse" to wash away any residue.
As for powdering the balls, you could probably put powder in a tupperware and then just sort of flop them about like you were breading chicken. Wrinkly, infirm chicken, but chicken nonetheless.
HOPE I WAS HELPFUL
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-08-08 14:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont give out many +2 but this was great
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-08 13:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I powder "the boys" (aka my nuts) a couple of times a day. They appreciate it.
So do the broads.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-08-08 13:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Baby powder the balls huh?
Sounds provocative and lovely, I just may give that a whirl.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-08-08 13:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ouch
Submitted by bigdicrick (user info) at 2006-08-08 12:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious! I hate that! Try baby powder.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-08-08 12:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For you Loki, anything.
*looks up decorum on wikipedia*
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-08-08 12:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-08 11:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Please don't be offended if I throw up next time I see you.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-08 11:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you pretend that you have an identical twin who lacks decorum?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-08-08 11:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SHIT,
I meant CONTEXT CLUES in the last paragraph.
On another note, and I'm sure everyone was interested, my balls, after being iced down for several hours, returned to their original size and shape and all is well.
Mountain, that was an extremely well thought out review and deserves a reward, please leave your name, address and phone number so that I can wait outside your house in that big crape mertyl and hang upside down, jerking off as you walk out of the house.
I mean...send you your present.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-08 10:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rubber cement? Blech. But I'd still take it if it meant I could pee standing up..better than I can, anyway.
Sorry about your balls.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-08-08 10:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Regarding rubbing one out in the shower: you also are at high risk of the rubber cement like residue solidifying over your pee hole, gluing it shut. When nature calls later that day and you try and take a leak, your dick painfully swells up like a filling water balloon within seconds, then the pressure builds up enough to blast through the semen-lock sending a shotgun blast or urine everywhere but in the toilet.
On a separate note, not sure if you're an NFL fan, Dan... but check this out if you are:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91485
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-08 09:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great title, ya shaky fuck.
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2006-08-08 09:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-08-08 08:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwaaaahahahahaha
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-08 08:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-08 08:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why it's always good to ejaculate somewhere else. Like 'on your stomach,' 'in a tube sock,' or 'deep inside HighVoltage's mom.'
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-08 05:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, had you asked the child to come over and kiss your pain better, I'm willing to bet that everyone involved would have had a jolly good laugh about the situation later on...
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-08 05:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thought I rated this before.
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-08-08 04:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Virgina. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOt
Submitted by ballsonurchin (user info) at 2006-08-08 04:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
im right handed but i do it with my left hand because it feels like someone else is doing it. is that gay?