An Analysis of the Problems Raised by the Half Hour of 5 to 5:30 (358 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.87 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grownasskid (View user info) at 2006-08-08 11:29:12 EDT
I suppose to an average person, living a life like mine would mean constantly wanting to kill one's self. Given the "unfulfilling" nature of my lifestyle, this is completely understandable. However, some people may be confused as to why I only conceder killing myself once a day, and to why it is the same time every day. Allow me to alleviate any confusion.
The half hour span of 5pm to 5:30pm in the Philadelphia area is the most bleak and barren half hour of TV in the entire day's lineup. From 5:30 to 6, ESPN's "Pardon The Interruption" is on, and it is a program that is not only consistently entertaining, but serves as a promissory note of more quality TV to come. After PTI, my next two hours are booked solid between "The Simpsons" and "That 70's Show". By then, it is 8pm and I can usually find a movie or baseball game or some sitcom that doesn't make me loath the human race. The rest of my evening is very agreeable for the most part, it is just that one little half hour that gives me pause and forces me to question the validity of my existence. If you take a look at my options, I think you'll agree with me. The most promising program in that 30 minute block is usually "Home Improvement", which was predictable and boring even when they were still making new episodes of it. Like Michael Jackson, it did not get better with age (If at this point you do not see how bleak my situation is if "Home Improvement" is my number one option, then perhaps this confession is entirely not for you). My other options include ESPN's "Around the Horn" (which is vastly useless), MTV's "My Super Sweet 16" (which is unspeakably frustrating, but that's kind of the point I think), the Hallmark Channel's reruns of "M.A.S.H" (which, to quote Chuck Klosterman, is like U2 in that they both got preachy as the got older), and Discovery Channel's "Myth Busters" (which would be my number one option if they weren't all reruns. I can only watch a man with a handlebar mustache shoot a rifle into a pool so many times). When the only entertainment options are the aforementioned, how can one not contemplate ending their meaningless existence?
In the grand scheme of things, I conceder myself very lucky in that I have a life that is uncharacteristically and extraordinarily blessed, all though some people may disagree with me. Some may say that my life is shallow and empty, devoid of passion or any real meaning, and maybe they are right. However, I think it is a matter of perspective. First, let me look at the argument that my life is empty and/or shallow. I suppose that calling my life "empty" depends on your definition of what "fills" someone. If someone was to say my life was empty because I had no family or companions to share my time with, they would undoubtedly be wrong. I have more than enough friends. I have Mike Wilbon to argue sports with me, I had Dave Chappell to tell me jokes, I have Eric Forman and Donna Pinciatti to talk to me about young love and relationships, (sadly) I have Tim Allen to discuss the joys and difficulties of parenting, and if that isn't enough, I have those awful children from "My Super Sweet 16" to give me parenting headaches. If "empty" of "full" is defined by family, I am more full than most. My family will never judge me or leave me or upset me, and if they do they will patch it up before the end of the season. I can never be disappointed or hurt, and that is a luxury not afforded many people.
Now as far as saying I am devoid of passion or meaning, it is once again a matter of opinion and perception. My passions are sitting on my couch and doing crossword puzzles. Compare that to someone whose passion is painting. The painter may spend his or her entire life working on their life's dream, only to never complete it, or not be able to draw the image from their mind into reality, or to conjure the image and have it misinterpreted or unloved by the rest of the world. Oh sure, the argument could be made that other's opinions do not matter because it is the painter's life work, and therefore only has meaning to the painter and as long as the painter loves it, that is all that matters. Still, I can imagine what it would feel like to have the passion of one's entire life be ignored by the great masses of the world. This is the problem of having a passion that can be turned into something tangible in the first place; if you can manifest you're life's meaning into something physical, it can be debased or destroyed. Me, on the other hand, a man who's passions are intangible and widely unimpressive, never runs the risk of the painter. In that, I am always safe to do what I love, because I will never stop loving it. By keeping this small thing to myself, I have ensured my life's meaning; there will always be a new crossword in tomorrow's paper. There will always be a new show on at 8pm eastern time. The only problem I have is getting through one half hour a day. How many people can claim their lives are as easy as that?
User Reviews
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-08-08 16:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
5:15 is bowl packing time.
what do you mean that time sucks?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-08 15:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Turn your teevee off, and devote 5-5:30 to Monkey Spankin' Time!
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-08-08 14:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude. You watch WAY too much TV.
conceder???
Submitted by MisterDevious (user info) at 2006-08-08 12:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wish I could share the pain, but in the Mad City, 5-6 p.m. = Seinfeld hour!
MrDVS
Lord of the Idiots
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-08 12:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
or you could go out.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-08 12:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
oh sweet jesus.
formatting
spellcheck
try again.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-08 11:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto -2 conceder
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-08-08 11:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
T.V. party tonight!
T.V. party tonight!
T.V. party tonight!
T.V. party tonight!
We're gonna have a T.V. party tonight!
Alright!
We're gonna have a T.V. party alright!
Tonight!
We've got nothing better to do
Than watch T.V. and have a couple of brews
All our friends are gonna hang out here tonight
Alright!
We're gonna pass out on the couch alright
Tonight!
We've got nothing better to do
Than watch T.V. and have a couple of brews
Don't talk about anything else
We don't wanna know!
We're dedicated
To our favorite shows!
We sit glued to the T.V. set all night
And every night!
Why go into the outside world at all?
It's a fright!
We've got nothing better to do
Than watch T.V. and have a couple of brews
T.V. news shows what it's really like out there
It's a scare!
You can go out if you want
I wouldn't dare!
We've got nothing better to do
Than watch T.V. and have a couple of brews
Don't talk about anything else
We don't wanna know!
We're dedicated
To our favorite shows!
I wouldn't be without me T.V. for a day
Or even for a minute!
Don't even bother to use my brain anymore
There's nothing left in it!
Wait a minute! My T.V. set doesn't work!
It's broken!
What are we gonna do tonight? This isn't fair!
We're hurtin'
We've got nothing left to do
With no T.V. and just a couple of brews
What are we gonna talk about?
I don't know!
We're gonna miss our favorite shows!
NO T.V. PARTY TONIGHT!!!!!!!