St. Eubrie-The Creek -Part Two (518 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.4 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (View user info) at 2006-08-08 23:03:01 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91449 <---- Part One
Bedlam is a poor word to describe what happened next. Boys running in every direction,
screaming and crying and puking from what they had seen.
Troy, however, frozen with fear, turned and saw the cause of the atrocity. A strange looking man
holding a huge lead pipe was panting and looking wild-eyed. Troy, trembling and speechless,
looked directly into the eyes of the man. He had been hanging out on the street when this man
exited the bus, and had seen the plastic wristband the man was wearing.
Nathan saw the young black boy looking at him, and went after him. Molesting young girls was
one thing, but putting up with hated boys and niggers was another. He must kill this kid, and no
waiting. He lunged toward Troy, but the agility of a youngster was too much for the pervert.
Troy dodged under the pipe and was gone in an instant.
Later, when the police showed up to see what the hysterical boys had been ranting about,
they found strange footprints in the mud and a handyman's toolbelt. Sgt. Folderman recognized
the belt, and knew that it belonged to Gus, but he couldn't believe Gus had anything to do with
a mess like this. Gus was such a nice man, and always treated the Sergeant's sister's kid so
well.
"So, Troy," asked Sgt. Folderman, " Just tell us what you saw. Take your time, son, it's OK."
Troy was shaking and scared, but he tried his best to explain. He knew the whole police
department had reason to suspect Gus, but he also knew both he and the Sgt. knew better.
Gus may have been weird, but he probably didn't go around batting kids heads off of their bodies.
"Sergeant, I've heard the stories, and I can tell you it wasn't Gus. It wasn't. Gus is a cool dude,
and he ain't got it in him to kill anyone. He mighta rubbed my sister's butt, but she likes that shit anyway."
This was a revelation to the Sergeant, but he had more important thing on his mind.
"So, Troy, tell me everything you saw down at the creek. Don't leave out anything."
Troy's mind was reeling with what he had seen, added to the fact that he knew the fellow with
the lead pipe who had killed Joey. What if he told? Would he be next? Could the police really
protect him from the killer? According to town rumors, the guy had killed his wife already, so
what was one skinny black kid to him?
"Sarge, I saw the guy, but I don't know who he was. Never saw him before."
"Troy, why are you lying to me? You know who he was, and I want you to tell me. Now."
Troy was a pretty bright kid, and he knew the Sgt. was trying to trick him. The cop knew
nothing, and Troy knew it.
"Sorry, Sarge, but I don't know who he was. Can I go home now?"
Folderman knew his bullshit had failed, and he could see that Troy knew as well. He knew he
would have to start from scratch.
Troy left the police station and headed home, but a block later he almost ran into Nathan. There
was nowhere to hide, so he tried to look away. Nathan asked him how he was doing, and
Troy started to run. Nathan stopped and stared after him, wondering what had gotten into the boy.
Two blocks later, Troy saw Nathan again. This time, Nathan gave him a look that would boil water.
Troy ran again, and when he made it home he knew something was wrong with what had just
happened. Nathan could not have been in both places at once, so Troy knew either he had
imagined the whole thing or Nathan had a twin in St. Eubrie. Much as he disliked the idea,
he had to talk to his father.
"Boy, you been smoking somthin' wit them white friends of yers? What's this shit 'bout heads
gettin' knocked off and two honky's that look the same? I done tole you not to tell them stories
no more, or I'll whup yer ass."
Troy knew he had made a mistake, talking to his father, but it was too late now.
"Daddy, everthin' I said was the truth. A boy got killed down by the creek, and I seen it was
Nathan what did it. Then I seen him twice in two blocks, and they was different men, different
clothes and everything.
"Troy, get yer ass up in your room and go to bed. I'm tired of hearin' your lies."
Troy slept poorly, as his night was filled with dreams of heads flying into the water.
"Goddamn it, Sergeant, I don't care what the nigger kid said, I was nowhere near the creek
on Saturday. I was working, and I got witnesses."
"Well, Nate, you can bet I'll be checking out your story. You can go now, but be where I
can find you."
...............................
"That's what I said, Sergeant Folderman, I want to report a stolen toolbelt. I need those tools
to do my job."
"OK, Gus, I'll take your statement, but remember where the belt was found. At a crime scene.
That makes you a suspect."
"Bullshit! You know I'm a Seventh-Day Adventist. I was in church when all that took place.
Ask anybody."
"Oh, I will, Gus, I will. You can bank on it."
User Reviews
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-08 17:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-01 19:41:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snalty (user info) at 2006-08-19 14:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Make it flloooowwww.
Submitted by highersound (user info) at 2006-08-14 22:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmm...how did such and odd setof tracks turn into those of a man?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-10 19:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-10 16:24:00 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-09 21:25:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stories take time to develop, guys. If he posted 10 pages like I often do everyone would whine about the length.
-----
Length has nothing to do with it.
As`a matter of fact, the shorter the story, the more important it is to craft each and every sentence well. This was not very well constructed. The sentences did not always flow into the next and seemed poorly thought out, and some of the dialogue was awkward. Plus, the premise is not remotely credible. A severed head flies past the boys into the creek, and they turn to see a guy with a lead pipe?
Even if a man could strike a live human being in one blow with the force necessary to not only sever the head but send it flying, the obvious choice, were it a pipe, would be galvanized.
And if you're wondering why I assume it was one blow, think about it.
Which is precisely the point. Bubba didn't. I seriously doubt he even plotted the story out. He just liked the idea of a flying head, and made it a man when he was warned about supernatural beings and such.
This story was certainly not on par with some of the others which you have rated similarly.
I don't care about ratings, actually, but you could rate it a +2 and still give some constructive criticism if you wanted to help poor bubba get better.
I've read and rated everything in this series because I like the idea and it encourages short fiction, but this was weak.
It really deserves, at most, a -1, but I'm being kind.
Kicker of all ass? Not hardly. But a nice reward for the book review, I suppose.
Good boy, bubba! Good boy!
_____________________________________________________
Keep talkin', little boy. Everything you have said so far is wrong, but prattle on.
I didn't say a man hit Joey, nor did I say it was a monster. Troy knows what he thought
he saw, but he doesn't write the ending. I do.
As far as the reward for a book review comment, you are an ass. Write a book and let
me read it. If it is good, I will rate it as such, because I am honest. You, on the other hand,
are not, as evidenced by your inane comment of my deserving a -1 but you were being kind.
I neither want nor need your kindness. Rate it honestly.
Don't bother sucking up to someone old enough to be your father. I have seen your kind
many times in the past, and you have your place in the world. Too bad it hasn't been
dug yet. . .
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-10 16:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-09 21:25:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stories take time to develop, guys. If he posted 10 pages like I often do everyone would whine about the length.
-----
Length has nothing to do with it.
As`a matter of fact, the shorter the story, the more important it is to craft each and every sentence well. This was not very well constructed. The sentences did not always flow into the next and seemed poorly thought out, and some of the dialogue was awkward. Plus, the premise is not remotely credible. A severed head flies past the boys into the creek, and they turn to see a guy with a lead pipe?
Even if a man could strike a live human being in one blow with the force necessary to not only sever the head but send it flying, the obvious choice, were it a pipe, would be galvanized.
And if you're wondering why I assume it was one blow, think about it.
Which is precisely the point. Bubba didn't. I seriously doubt he even plotted the story out. He just liked the idea of a flying head, and made it a man when he was warned about supernatural beings and such.
This story was certainly not on par with some of the others which you have rated similarly.
I don't care about ratings, actually, but you could rate it a +2 and still give some constructive criticism if you wanted to help poor bubba get better.
I've read and rated everything in this series because I like the idea and it encourages short fiction, but this was weak.
It really deserves, at most, a -1, but I'm being kind.
Kicker of all ass? Not hardly. But a nice reward for the book review, I suppose.
Good boy, bubba! Good boy!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-09 21:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stories take time to develop, guys. If he posted 10 pages like I often do everyone would whine about the length.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-09 19:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:15:11 (#)
Ranking: 1
I dunno man...
I like what you're doing here, but the actual structure of the story-telling seems a little... disjointed?
Hmmm... +1
_______________________________________________________________
I guess I shouldn't change scenes without separating them with dotted lines.
I have no idea how the story will end, so maybe it won't.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I dunno man...
I like what you're doing here, but the actual structure of the story-telling seems a little... disjointed?
Hmmm... +1
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-08 23:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
btw, who's the killer, Barry Bonds?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-08-08 23:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Definitely worth reading.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-08 23:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-08 23:21:09 (#)
Ranking: 1
Just okay.
A little disappointing based on the potential displayed in part one.
_____________________________________________
I see this as a five or six parter. Sorry if you were disappointed.
Actually, I don't give a rat's ass what you think. :(
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-08 23:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-08-08 23:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting play on Nathan. Nathan was the guy from the mental ward right?
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-08-08 23:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just okay.
A little disappointing based on the potential displayed in part one.