I Challenged Tiger Woods to Miniature Golf—and Won (3539 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.91 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JMG114 (View user info) at 2006-08-09 11:18:20 EDT
So I went down the street and knocked on Tiger Woods's door. "Hello!" I piped in my best New Yorker drawl, "How's everyone's favorite minority champion today?"
"I'm sad," Tiger said.
"Why sad?" I asked, sitting down in one of Tiger's plush needlepoint armchairs and admiring a velvet picture of "Black Elvis" hanging above his stone fireplace. "You just won the British Open, and everyone loves you. Everyone!"
Tiger wiped a tear from his blemish-less, Asian-African-Australian-Indian-Caribbean-Chinese-Mongolian-American face. "Well, my dad died."
"That sucks," I replied, swinging my legs idly while admiring his life-size, solid gold "Statue of me" statue of himself. Then I turned back to him. "You know what cheers me up whenever I'm down?"
"Watching Finding Nemo?" he asked hopefully.
I shook my head. "No, but that is a quality movie. I like to go mini-golfing."
"Golfing!" Tiger stood as erect as a 6' 2" penis at the mere mention of the word. "That's a great idea!"
He pushed a nearby red button on the wall, and instantly a golf bag dropped from a trap door in the marble ceiling, right into his waiting arms. "Let's roll!" he grinned and pulled me into his custom Rolls Royce golf cart.
"Gosh Tiger," I stammered, "Is this thing even street legal?"
"No!" he screamed, his tongue flapping out of his mouth as we shot down I-41 on a couple of jet engines burning enough fuel to feed a 112-member Sudanese family for 300 Earth-years.
"Woo golf!" he shouted as he slammed on the brakes and stopped right in front of a fire hydrant at the main gate of Mr. Putt-Putt's Soda Bar and Miniature Golfing Range.
"Woo golf!" he yelled as he slammed down a $1000 bill to buy a $1.35 medium Pepsi at the soda bar.
"Woo golf!" he screamed as he placed his shiny blue golf ball at the first hole's tee and smashed at it with his 1-wood. "Woo golf!"
The ball sailed clear over the entire course, into a nearby red house's window, into an elderly resident's mouth, down her esophagus, through her intestines, out her rectum, and into her cat.
"Tiger!" I yelled, "That's not how you play mini-golf. Not at all."
"But I thought—"
I gingerly placed my orange ball on the tee and tapped at it lightly with the mini-golf putter. The ball rolled easily down the astroturf and into hole #1. Turning around, I smiled at Tiger. "That's a hole in one for me."
"Big deal," Tiger rolled his eyes, "I've gotten holes in ones loads of times. By the way, what's that strange cacophony of metal and rubber you're holding?"
I held up the putter. "This? It's a mini-golf putter."
"You use a special tool for mini-golf?" he asked.
"Yes. You can't go using your woods and irons for something as meticulous and grand as mini-golf. You simply can't."
He knelt down on the grass. "And what's this plastic, grassy stuff?"
"That's astroturf! It never has to be cut! Never! Mankind one, nature zero!"
Tiger shrugged. "Okay, I'll give this a shot."
He put down his golfing bag and grabbed a mini-golf putter. He held it by the wrong end and swung as hard as he could. "Yaaaaagh!"
The ball careened into a nearby lake.
"Tiger!" I admonished, "You have to hit it lightly! If you lose the ball or if you don't play a hole, that counts as a six-stroke penalty."
"Pfft, six strokes," Tiger guffawed, "I've come back from way-ass farther than that."
I nodded. "I know it. Onto hole two!"
We walked over to the hole and Tiger suddenly yelped in surprise and alarm. "Yelp! A dinosaur on the green!"
He pointed to a green plaster dinosaur standing with its toothy mouth agape, daring any golfer to sink a put between its firmly secured legs.
"It's just a model, Tiger. It's not real."
"Are you sure?" Tiger gulped, "I've only ever seen the real ones. You know, at my ranch."
I walked over and tapped on the plaster dinosaur's nose, which promptly flaked off, onto the green. "It's not real, so quit your whining." I then placed my ball on the tee, and tapped it so that it stopped just in front of the hole. Then, I tapped it in.
"That's two for me on this one."
Tiger snorted. "Now, let a real pro show you how it's done!"
He tapped his new ball so that it stopped rolling a foot away from the hole's edge. Grinning wildly, he went over and tapped it towards the hole, but a little too hard. It bounced over the hole and landed a foot and a half away on the other side.
"Damn it!" he muttered as he walked to the other side of the hole and tapped it again. It just missed the hole and stopped another foot and a half away on the other side.
"Damn it!" he spat and tried the shot again. It went further off, this time by closer to three feet.
"Damn it!" he shouted as he hit it again, harder. It landed back closer to where the tee was.
"Damn it!" he yelled, taking the shot again. It bounced over the hole again, hitting the far wall and landing in a little makeshift sand trap.
"Fuck!" he screamed, throwing the putter onto the ground.
I placed a 5 next to his name for hole #2 and we went on. As we approached hole #3, Tiger cried, "Oh no!"
I turned to face him. "What's wrong?"
He pointed. "Someone built a fucking windmill right in the middle of the green!"
He was right. Sure enough, a small mechanical windmill lazily turned its blades, periodically blocking the hole it straddled. Tiger sat down on the turf and put his head in his hands.
"Now what? My dad's dead and now someone put an entire goddamn windmill right in the middle of the course! We're finished!"
"We're not finished, Tiger. Watch." I tapped my ball so that it narrowly escaped the windmill blades. It rolled down a little chute, and landed right in the hole.
"Ooh, another hole in one for me."
"What the fuck?" Tiger stood up and pushed me out of the way. He squinted his eyes at the windmill for twenty minutes until finally planting his ball onto the tee. He shook his shoulders and held his breath. "Here we go."
He tapped the ball, and a rotating windmill blade knocked it away. He frowned, approached his ball, and tried again. Once more, the windmill blade beat back his ball.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Tiger yelled as he smashed at the windmill with his club and kicked at it. "Who would build a fucking windmill here?"
"Tiger!" I yelled, "It's okay! It's part of the course. That's the sort of hazard you have on a mini-golf course."
"This hole is stupid," Tiger replied, "Let's go on to hole 4."
I marked 6 into Tiger's hole #3 column.
"Oh my God!" Tiger yelled upon seeing the next hole, "It's beautiful!"
A small, artificial waterfall fell over the green and channeled water into a nearby artificial pond. Tiger fell to his knees. "A waterfall over a golf course. What unequivocal, natural splendor!"
Shrugging, I tapped my ball, banked it over a 45-degree panel, and ended up right in the hole. "Ooh, another hole in one."
I turned around. Tiger was naked and splashing around under the waterfall. Smiling, I added another six to his total and moved on.
Hole 5 had a mechanical monster face that opened and closed, the object being to hit the ball into the monster's mouth, after which it would emerge from the other side where one could hit it into the hole. I tried for the shot, but it took me three putts to land in the hole.
Tiger frowned at the monster. "I hate monsters," he said, and tapped the ball right into its open mouth. Tiger smiled and skipped around to the other side, where the ball was expected to emerge. No ball came.
"Where's my ball?" Tiger asked after a half-hour.
"It's okay, Tiger," I said, "I'll count it as a hole-in-one for you."
"Where's my fucking ball?" Tiger demanded again.
"Tiger, it's—"
"Where's my goddamn mother fucking ball?" he screamed, and ran around to the front of the monster. He stuck his bare arm into the monster's mouth and reached around. Somehow or other, he became stuck.
"Yaaagh!" Tiger yelled as he was pulled into a space barely larger than a golf ball. "It burns us! Nasty elves twisted it!"
I was busy marking "6" into Tiger's column but by the time I looked up, Tiger was nowhere to be seen. Picking up my ball, I went to the mini-golf rental counter.
"Hi. I've lost Tiger Woods. Where does hole #5 lead?"
The bald, bearded man who looked like he had just fallen off of a Harley mumbled, "Some say Hell itself. Others say Miami. Still others say a small mid-western town known for its comfy barstools and its biscuits, smothered in gravy."
Someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was Tiger! His clothing was torn and he was a little bloody but otherwise okay!
"Tiger!" I exclaimed, "You're back! We can finish up the game!"
"No can do!" Tiger quipped, "I just set fire to the place!"
Turning around, I saw that the entire golf course, including all of the other patrons, were in flames. I groaned. "Tiger, that's not how you play mini-golf."
"Fuck mini-golf," Tiger replied, "I want to eat some flaming people."
I couldn't help but agree. There was no better way to do it.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-31 17:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you're horribly disfigured in real life to offset the brilliance of your writing.
Submitted by SmirkDog (user info) at 2008-02-01 23:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2007-06-24 20:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-10-20 10:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"That's astroturf! It never has to be cut! Never! Mankind one, nature zero!"
I've enjoyed this post so many times; I don't care how old it is. I'm rating it.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-09-05 14:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are a strange duck
Submitted by CRazyTALk (user info) at 2006-08-22 09:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-08-22 02:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Squip (user info) at 2006-08-14 20:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh so hard I died.
true story...
B@W
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-08-14 04:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats some funny shit right there!
B@W
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2006-08-13 05:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-08-10 11:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but technically you didn't win. It was more of a tie since he didn't really forfeit, and you didn't really finish.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-08-09 22:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll drop the +2 but this better be a true story...
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2006-08-09 21:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for use of the word "1-wood."
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2006-08-09 21:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
absolutely fan-fucking-tastic
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-08-09 19:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Little long but i logged on just to rate it
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-08-09 19:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and into her cat.
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Giggle #1 of many.
I went crazy golfing today, and I won.
I rule
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2006-08-09 18:56:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-08-09 18:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed you Jared.
I still think you need to do a post about duck pimp.
And i will HOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNND you until you do.
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-08-09 18:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-08-09 18:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ridic and delightful.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-08-09 17:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Watching Finding Nemo?" he asked hopefully.
I shook my head. "No, but that is a quality movie.
===============================================================
that was the first part that I laughed out loud at.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This really is quite funny.
I wish I could write like this...
Submitted by Squip (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahaha this definitly made my day
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:38:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:34:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
-------------------------
Oh yeah? Well, you're a wanker with a big head. Wanker. ""
yeah well at least I'm not a JEW.
Jew.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit, and it sure didn't hurt that it was about golf.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
>>>
"No!" he screamed, his tongue flapping out of his mouth as we shot down I-41 on a couple of jet engines burning enough fuel to feed a 112-member Sudanese family for 300 Earth-years.
>>>
Feed them to what?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My dad's dead and now someone put an entire goddamn windmill right in the middle of the course!
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chuckle-worthy
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-09 12:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of "Ridiculous Day" down at the deli, when prices were so low...they were ridiculous.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-08-09 12:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quirky.
And arguably cacophony is supposed to be used when relating to noise. But hey.... who cares.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like Tiger needs Chubbs to teach him how to putt.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you ever considered therapy?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:34:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
-------------------------
Oh yeah? Well, you're a wanker with a big head. Wanker.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Woah! JMG is writing stuff on Ubersite still!
This was a bit too silly, even for me, but you get a +1 because it made me check your ID and find a whole new series. I hope no one at work had anything important planned for me for the rest of the day.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:31:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey fuckwad, I'll make you perform mouth-to-ass on yourself if you don't post Chapter 5 of Megadetheron NOW.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ooo ... so close yet so far away.
Incorrect use of 'cacophony'.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the idea of Tiger Woods being like this
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I went golfing yesterday.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT THE FUCK! BART REMOVED THE MOST RECENTLY REVIEWED AND THE MVM! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-09 11:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMMIT! WHY, OF ALL PEOPLE, DID JMG114 DECIDE TO POST TWO FUCKING MINUTES AFTER ME!
BECAUSE OF THIS PIECE OF GENIUS, MY POST WON'T GET ANY REVIEWS!!!
I FUCKING HATE YOU!
BUT I LOVE YOU!
BUT... I...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE! SOMEONE SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD AND SEE IF I DIE!!!