How I became known as a Corporate Whore part 3: Women are horrible creatures (1011 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.89 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by MyTeeOne <My_Tee_One.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-08-09 13:34:04 EDT
First off, I'm at work. I don't have a lot of time to proof read. Deal with it. Second, there is no sex in this post (here come the - 2s now). It is more of a sitcom-style of events than anything else. Just giving you fair warning. And third, it's long.
Now then, there is a part 1 and 2 to this, neither of which are that important. You can look them up if you're curious. The only thing you really need to know is that Katie (the office manager) and I are friends. We are just friends...there was a time when everyone thought something more may be going on between us, but there isn't.
The other thing you need to know is that after my divorce a few years ago, I started dating again and I have no idea what I am doing. I made the bad judgment call of dating within the office a couple of times, learned my lesson, and stopped. Over the past few months I've been doing the solo thing and have been happy about it.
OK, now you're up to speed with what happened in the past.
Jessica is drop dead gorgeous. She started about two months ago give or take, and we hit it off right away. I work in an office made up of superficial sorority girls. Jess and I each respected the other for not being superficial. She also understood my sense of humor. Not a lot of people truly understand my sense of humor. People understand the sense of humor I put on stage in the show, but not my personal sense of humor. Jessica did.
So, we've talked for a for awhile now, went to lunch, blah blah blah. The normal build up you've all had. She told me about this, I told her about that, etc. We didn't get into anything to deep, just kind of feeling each other up...out. I meant feeling each other out.
One day she asked me what was going on with Katie and I and I told her the truth. Everyone thought something was going on between me and Kate, but we're just pals. She then asked me about the marriage...all of sudden we were having a real conversation. I went my usual route of joking it off and giving the details with no real emotion. She seemed fine with that.
And then, last Friday, we had the office summer event. It was at the horse track out in the suburbs. By 11:00 am, we were all drinking in the sun. Good times were had by all. I placed a bet on a horse name awkward moment, because the name spoke to me. That fucker got distracted by a butterfly right around turn three and started prancing around. By the time he finished the race he looked like a cartoon character with his tongue hanging out. "You're glue awkward moment, glue. You hear me?"
You might be wondering why this is important to the story. Jessica and I had a side bet on this horse. Because I lost, I had to take her for ice cream. Sweeeeet. So, we jumped on the train and headed back down town to find ice cream. We left early. We left together.
That was around 4:00 pm, which meant we had been drinking for about five hours. As you're well aware, alcohol is nature's natural social lube, so Jess and I got to talking. We talked and talked and talked and, because I had been drinking, my "joke shields" were down so we had REAL conversation. It wasn't the polite coworker conversation, it was actual conversation. Connections were made and chemistry was felt.
Crappity crap crap crap.
I realized that she knew more than I was comfortable with about the time we got off the train. She noticed my change of mood and called me on it. I told her I was suddenly uncomfortable and she said I shouldn't be. Then, she grabbed my hand.
Crappity crap crap crap. Danger, Danger MyT...she knows too much. Battle stations, battle stations. I realized there was only one solution to this problem. I had to erase her memory.
"Where do you want to get ice cream?" the cute blonde girl asked, changing the subject.
"Orrrrrrr, we could get margaritas," I countered.
And so, we sipped margaritas at the bar. She took the opportunity to basically analyze me completely. Swell. However, my plan worked and she became intoxicated.
Then, she became pale.
Then, I realized she hadn't eaten in about 7 hours.
Then, she puked.
And not just a little bit...she proceeded to produce more vomit than Linda Blair. I mean it was freaking everywhere. Parents were pulling their children to the other side of the street because the puke was exiting the outdoor patio and running down into the gutters. TV news reporters showed up to cover the new worlds record of largest amount of vomit to exit one single 100 lb female. It was everywhere.
So, we split a cab ride home. There was a quick hug, and that was it.
I came in Monday to discover she was A) embarrassed and B) remembered everything. She was glad we got to hang out and couldn't wait to do it again. As a matter of fact, her birthday is next weekend and she wanted to know if I wanted to go. Much to my surprise, I quickly said yes.
Why was that surprising, you may ask? It was the speed of which I said yes. As it turns out, I can't wait to go out with her either. Crappity crap crap crap. I think I've developed a crush on this girl.
Who, as it turns out, has a boyfriend.
There is an important bit of info, don't you think? One I think would have been covered before this point. Apparently it's recent. And just how did I find out, you may ask? I'm glad you asked.
We went out for lunch Monday and we went over the events of the previous Friday. We laughed about it; we talked about it, etc. It was going along swimmingly with some occasional flirting thrown in when she casually drops in her boyfriend wasn't even all that upset that she ditched him on Friday night.
"I'm sorry, what what now?' says MyT.
The expression on her face tells me she didn't mean to let that slip.
"Yeah, we've known each other about a month and have been dating about two weeks now," replies the horrid bitch sitting across from me. "He's really nice but it's moving a little fast for me."
And then came the awkward silence followed by the never ending walk back to the office.
Later, that same day:
Katie was complaining about her back and it needing to be cracked. She asked me if I would crack her back and, being the nice freaking guy that I am, I said yes. So, we went into the supply room, she turned around and crossed her arms and I picked her up. That didn't work so she faced me and hugged me. I lifted again and cracked her back.
Here is the picture for you: Katie and I, alone in the supply room, hugging to the point where her feet are off the ground. That would be a bit hard to explain if anyone walk in, like, oh, I don't know...Jessica.
Right on cue, Jessica enters.
Swell.
You can't write shit that good, comic wise. The universe, it seems, has a sense of humor.
The e-mail came at the end of the day which read something along the lines of "I thought nothing was going on between the two of you." I wanted to respond with "I thought you were single" but instead went with the truth. "There isn't, I cracked her back."
And that was that. It's too bad too. I really dug that chick. I assume I'm no longer invited to the birthday party either. Let this be a lesson to the guys (and lesbians) of Uber...never get interested in a woman. They're horrible creatues.
User Reviews
Submitted by Molari (user info) at 2006-08-10 10:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Write this on your hand: The first time you have a "REAL CONVERSATION" with a woman, be sure to ask if she has a boyfriend.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-08-10 08:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whore. :)
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 08:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by andkorn (user info) at 2006-08-09 17:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Parents were pulling their children to the other side of the street because the puke was exiting the outdoor patio and running down into the gutters." That was the icing on the cake.
Although, what you should've done is drag the second bitch in and have a threesome in the supply closet. You have to think fast!
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-08-09 17:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You had me at "more vomit than Linda Blair".
=============================================================
Yeah, that was a first for me. I held her hair though. Does that count for anything?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-09 17:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:16:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
I heart Sacrilicious.
===
<3
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-08-09 17:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at "more vomit than Linda Blair".
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-09 16:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yeah, we've known each other about a month and have been dating about two weeks now," replies the horrid bitch sitting across from me...
How fickle is the mind of the male. Just do her, man. It doesn't sound as if she's interested in the other dude.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:26:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Humpem & dumpem.
----------
YOU SAID YOU HAD FEELING FOR ME!!
*sobs*
you bastard
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
two weeks <> ring
But then again these office things...I'm thinking if I've ever seen it work out.
hmmm
Oh wait there was that one time when...
oh yea then they split up and some guy from IT told him that she had started e-mailing some rather steamy stuff to some other guy so that isn't a good example
or there was the time
no that ended badly too
run don't walk RUN
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have to agree with someone else on here.
-----
what, can't say my name? Are you THAT afraid of me?
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck her. Who does she think she is? Not worth your time.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Humpem & dumpem.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF I'm not rating all that.
I'm just rating this:
Parents were pulling their children to the other side of the street because the puke was exiting the outdoor patio and running down into the gutters.
+2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I heart Sacrilicious.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just hit it and quit it, because, let's be honest, if she became your 'girlfriend', in about a month she'd be ditching YOU to hook up with some other guy...
============================================================================================
Those seem like true words of wisdom, Mr. X. Looks like I'll be crashing that b-day shin-ding.
Submitted by adjones619 (user info) at 2006-08-09 14:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gosh, I hate reading boring long stories.
But this was kind of interesting. I would have to agree with someone else on here. You should just hit it and be done with it. Who cares about relationships any more. Have you ever been on Craigslist.com Half the poeple on there are in relationships and they want to cheat. Relationships are over rated. They are going to end one day. They ALWAYS do in some form or another.
Dude Grow some balls and go for it.
+2 For taking her out to get her even more drunk for your on self gain
-2 For not taking advaantage of the situation.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you doomed yourself when you went in the supply closet to do it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
o nigga please, she's only been fucking that guy for a mere two weeks, and you're giving up?
Don't be a puss, just go for it, she's obviously bored already with that other guy.
Just hit it and quit it, because, let's be honest, if she became your 'girlfriend', in about a month she'd be ditching YOU to hook up with some other guy...
Submitted by OfficeZombie (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I went through 3/4ths of the story thinking you were a female. I guess when I here "corporate whore" I immediatly think women, but I didn't get bored. Part of that might be becuase I thought I would get to read some lesbo action, not sure.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
p.p.s. - By "whore" I mean you.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
p.s.- Whore.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-09 13:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait..wait.. not proofread, no sex, too long, and disparages my gender?
OMG -2!!!!!!11