The Day the Teephphah Died (1162 hits)
Category: Politics -> LibertariansRating: 1.84 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus [was ten in] 1987 (View user info) at 2006-08-09 15:34:16 EDT
In 32 (alcoholic) years, Teephphah accomplished more than most (comatose) men do in a lifetime. In his short span on uber he had:
* Argued for Francicide (http://www.ubersite.com/m/73928)
* Shared his perverted lust for underage anime chicks (http://www.ubersite.com/m/33082) (alter)
* Engaged ETS in epic battles that would have given Beowulf post-mortem morning wood(http://www.ubersite.com/m/85491#1890078).
Yes, the day our resident lawyer died, a plucky little star may have fallen from the uber firmament, but it landed atop Olympus where it, even now, argues class-action paternity suits for Zeus.
Now I know how you're feeling. As the network admin, I'm usually the one to break the news to the the managers, the accountaints, the apps engineers. Pippy the laptop died overnight, Carl Carlson; there will be no more salad days editing Excel spreadsheets or surfing pr0n in the sun.
"But WHY, Icky?" They say, "How did it happen?"
Well, I'll tell you the same thing I tell them.
It was probably all those fucking MP3's you downloaded.
Or wait, shit, that doesn't work. As I was saying you don't want the cold bodies of facts; of arbitrary times and places; you want truth. Uberers, you come not to BURY Teeph, but to PRAISE him --or gawk, it's your choice really-- but either way you want to hear his legend as told by someone he loved, and in light of that by Icarus and Susie Derkins.
Well, be damned if we won't obliged.
The Day the Teephpah Died (TDtTD) Part the First: The Alcohall of Fame
Barbecue Bob slid the icy beer can out from under the bug bite on his back and took a deep swig. He could taste sunblock and sweat on top of the piss-flavor of Schlitz, but it was ninety-six in the shade and the liquid felt like central air going down. He was swirling his toes in the inflatable kiddie pool**, nails treading the brown water like cracked yellow paddles when he heard it; tires whispering up the gravel road. An outsider's tires.
Schlitz dribbled from the handlebar-tips of his moustache to the irregular archipelagos of chest hair, pooling in the oblong fissure in his beer gut that had once represented his navel. He knew it was a wealthy man's car. He knew this because the exhaust sounded intact, there were no audible suspension creaks and the music coming from it's open window wasn't Dwight Yokam.
"Rich pricks with their fayn-cee-pants cars, think they're better'n us." he thought to himself as he chewed a motor oil blackened nail and watched for the car to crest the hill. A shiny blue Toyota came up and over, kicking up a cloud of dust behind it. It appeared to be speeding, and he was concerned for the yung-uns who often played on the road, disregarding traffic. They'd already lost one this year to a slow-moving backhoe, he wasn't about to lose another. He shot up from his lawn chair, dropping his Schlitz into the murky waters of the kiddie pool and raised his fists at the passing car.
"Slow down ya crazy bastard! There're fuckin chillun around!" he screamed at the driver. The driver didn't break pace as he stuck his head out the window.
"Buddy, I'm going the speed limit. Your idiot kids should stay off the road anyway. If you've got a problem with the way I drive, you can just...." his voice trailed off as he passed. That asshole wasn't going to get away with this...
The Toyota took an expected turn down Oakcrest and slid up the cement drive of the House on The Hill; the one with the dog-eared fence and the hippy pond and them paintball booby traps. Those yuppies and citytype-tree-humpers had been fuckin' with his 'hood for too damned long. He got up, popped another beer out of the cooler in the garage, and picked his way through the rusted remains of three Chevys to find his CB Radio.
"Y'hello, Gus?"
***
I came through the garden gate just as the Toyota's engine died with a satisfied purr. The man who stepped out of the driver's seat looked almost exactly like Rick Moranis, except taller and slightly more nerdish.
"Hey Teeph, good to see you." I said as I shook his hand. Teephphah in turn shook his head.
"Your neighbours are complete tools." he sighed angrily.
"Tell me about it, man. What happened?"
"Some fat, greasy bastard in a kiddie pool was yelling something about speeding. He seemed concerned about his brood of flipper kids. Personally, I think that his herd could probably use a little culling."
"I think you're right," I laughed "Come on in the backyard and see the new koi I put in."
He followed me to the gate, making approving noises at my lawn. Without warning there was an avalanche of shingles and Jack McCallum came plummeting off the roof of the garage and into my pond. A night vision scope came hurtling after him, hitting his right temple with a crack that resounded off my aluminum siding. He picked it up and inspected it for damage, algae and pond water dripping off his buzz cut.
"Damn it, Jack," said Teephphah, "if that cologne kills Icky's 'koi', you'll be paying the twenty-five cents down at the pet shop."
"They were twelve cents," I said, drawing my black powder revolver. "But if you were trying to spy on the Sexy Irish Wife again..."
"If you don't want people peeping," Jack said, coolly drawing twin umbrella guns from his camo cargo pants, "you shouldn't have installed that skylight in your bathroom."
"Enough of this," I said, tucking the gun back into my belt. "Jack, there IS no skylight in my bathroom."
Jack blinked at me for a moment, then laughed, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. "No wonder your wife has a penis. And looks just like Shirtless Dan's son. Anyways, I was up there on business this time. We got a problem: the natives are restless. I just noticed a swarm of them congregating at Barbecue Bob's place. Doesn't look good."
"Shit," I muttered under my breath, "I knew the minefield around my flowerbed was a little overkill, we're going to need help. A LOT of help."
"We're going to need a group of the most insane, soulless, degenerate sons of bitches around to take on this crowd. Where in hell are we going to find them?" asked Teeph
"I know where, give me a few hours."
** This is one of the FIRST and ONLY embellishments in the redneck saga (ever (really(we mean it))). He'd actually thrown a tarp in the back of his pick-up truck and dribbled some water over it. The editor, whom we later shot and ate, figured this would read better.
User Reviews
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-14 22:43:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loving it
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2006-08-10 02:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-09 20:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-09 16:01:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:45:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
I also depicted you as a peeping tom.
Or wait, maybe Susie wrote that part. I forget.
--
If THAT bothered me I would have MENTIONED it.
----
Exactly; be thankful for small blessings! When Susie turns you into a hippy s&m freak, THEN can you sue for libel.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-09 18:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you think it is the first and only ever but i got news for you bub....
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-09 18:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-09 16:15:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:37:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was born in 87. hah
===
Fucking kids.
_______________
Oh Jesus, what sick pedophile is fucking kids this time?
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-09 16:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:37:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was born in 87. hah
===
Fucking kids.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-08-09 16:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:39:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what is going on, and I'm okay with that...
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-08-09 16:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
teephphphphphphphphphphphphphAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-09 16:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:45:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
I also depicted you as a peeping tom.
Or wait, maybe Susie wrote that part. I forget.
--
If THAT bothered me I would have MENTIONED it.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-09 16:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
koi happens
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH NOES!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss teeph.
Luckily for me he sends me messages from beyond that arrive in my cute little computy box.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This IS sad.
On the other hand, to hell with him.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I also depicted you as a peeping tom.
Or wait, maybe Susie wrote that part. I forget.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm offended that you would depict me as some sort of gun-toting psychopath who snapped and is planning on shooting up a residential neighborhood.
Picking off fags and dykes and bleeding heart anti-war student demonstrators and self-serving local government officials and drunks and crack addicts one by one from my sniper's nest behind the air circulation system vents near the roof of my office building in downtown San Francisco during lunch hour is gonna keep me busy for years, man.
Years.
Now let em get back to composing a sentence even longer than that motherfucker seen above.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what is going on, and I'm okay with that...
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-09 15:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was born in 87. hah