My Badass Gram (852 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.78 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by badassmofo (View user info) at 2006-08-10 12:10:08 EDT
- My gram was half Pennsylvania Dutch (whatever their crazy mix is) and half Cherokee Indian (as in her momma was some sort of Indian Princess.)
- When I was a kid, probably about 5 or 6, my gram taught me not to tease dogs by blistering my ass with a hair brush
- My gram was mother to 14 children, 9 to one husband, 4 to another, and one out of adulterous child that no one knew about until he was 30. All but the last 3 were birthed at home.
- My gram was 5'3" tall and made the best split pea soup you've ever tasted.
- My mother, who had a propensity for bad men with tempers, was married for the second time when I was 7. He was a big fellow named Jaime and he had a bad temper. After watching him throw her couch over the railing of the porch one day, my gram smack that big mother fucker in the face so hard he spun right over the railing and down to the ground.
- My gram was a badass.
- When she married my grandfather and he joined the Army, my gram continued to run the coal delivery business they had started and delivered coal in a dump truck while he was away.
- My gram always loved my cousin Blake more than me, she always blamed me for breaking his toys. I always did break them, on purpose too. How the hell did she know that?
- One night, Christmas eve to be exact, my mother and her twin sister came home drunk and were fighting in the living room, my badass gram sat in her rocking chair...with a shotgun and threatened to shoot them both. She later told me it was rock salt and she fully intended on shooting both of their dumb asses if they didn't stop.
- My badass gram fought bone cancer for two years, round after round and one most of the battles. But my badass gram lost the war. That was about 2 years ago.
- My gram used to knit like no one's business; scarves, mittens (which did not keep your hands warm), hats, slippers, sweaters, baby blankets, and anything else you can imagine being knitted. I still have the last set of slippers she knitted me, I don't wear them they just kind of sit in my drawer holding memories for me. When my daughter was born my gram was already sick...so no baby blanket...but she did make her a knit skull cap.
My new daughter is about 4 weeks (oh god let it be at least 4 weeks) away from taking over my life.
She's not going to have a knit cap.
Anyone know how to knit?
User Reviews
Submitted by onewetleg (user info) at 2006-08-11 09:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My most vivid memory of my gran is her kicking my brother down the stairs because he wasn't tying his shoes fast enough. I come from a long line of badass women. She finally died in a car wreck because she refused to wear glasses. I said badass, not smart.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-11 09:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I made the mistake of once calling my grandma 'gramcakes'. She threw something at me but I forget what.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-08-11 09:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hardcore grannies are the shiznit, word
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-08-11 07:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sadly my grampses (grampsi?) were the badass ones, and the first to go.
We all thought my gamps had trouble identifying personal boundaries until we twigged that it was only smokers he sat so close to and it was so he could carry on his habit without getting pounded on by my nan.
He was fuelled by fertiliser, nicotine and the skin off home made rice pudding (gag). They stopped him gardening, made him quit smoking and put him on a diet. He was dead within the year.
THE NHS KILLED MY GAMPS!
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-08-10 20:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is that you John Wayne.....Is this me?
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-08-10 19:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2grandparents
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-08-10 19:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i had a gram of coke once.
it was badass.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2006-08-10 17:53:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ps, grandmas are awesome
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2006-08-10 17:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dear badassmofo,
+2 streaks are for losers
Love,
Matt
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2006-08-10 17:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:37:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno...your name is 'runswithscissors'...sounds like some Indian prone to accidents...I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.
That is ok, knitting needles are rather blunt!
:-)
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-08-10 16:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2006-08-10 15:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had a cool Gram! My Gramma could kick Tiger Woods butt all over the golf course, I bet! She's mean with a club!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
huh-huh, Josie's "on top of it"
huh-huh huh-huh
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMMIT SUCK MY DICK YOU +2-STREAK-GETTING-AWESOME-GRANDSON!
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno...your name is 'runswithscissors'...sounds like some Indian prone to accidents...I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.
Anyway to you and Katy who also offered, thanks but my girl Josie is already on top of it.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most excellent!
And I can knit and crochet as well.......if you are really interested.
Submitted by Defect (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by OfficeZombie (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun to read.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my dad used to paddle us with an enamel clothes
brush and it stung like a MFER.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i can knit, and i can crochet. i can quilt and embroider too.
if you'd really like something i could do it if you told me what color and showed me a picture of what you wanted it to look like.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah you can find her in the California Penal Community...have at it...she's been smoking crack for about 10 years.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, hold the phone.
Your mom has a twin?
MILF Twins?
SCOOOOOOOOOOORE
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
damnit, I was counting on you girl
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is bittersweet
And I can't knit
Submitted by dirtycyberdawg (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by adjones619 (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man your Grams was so cool and she is White. She is a GramsCracker
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I beg to differ regarding the best pea soup in the world. That title belongs to my Gram.
Is that some sort of class all grammys had to take?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My poop weighs about 448+ grams.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:22:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Psh. I've got 6 grams at least from my Subway Sandwich.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You family is cooler than mine. (sigh)
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grams are the best. No matter what age you are.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nope, i can knit only things that are square.
i can't believe the baby will be here in a month.