Old Ladies Shouldn't Get Drunk at Concerts (959 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.47 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wildcat (View user info) at 2006-08-10 12:40:01 EDT
It was hot. The kind of heat that gives fat woman sweat rings under their tits. I knew this was a good measurement when I had turned around to see if my friend Train was catching up and saw a delectable little marshmallow waddling in line behind me, grubby sausage fingers clenching her ticket like the winning Wonka bar.
Train finally caught up, panting and cussing. Yeah, it was a cussing heat too. After handing our ticket off we made our way to the area in front of the stage. It had cost an extra $10 but we didn't care.
Bodies are pushing and swaying in the crowd. Some no-name band takes the stage, yelling and trying to lift the crowd. 30 Seconds to Mars was the name. The lead singer was acting pretty damn feminine which drew a lot of heckling from people around us. The guy looked like that blonde haired guy that gets his face smashed in Fight Club and ends up looking like Quasimodo. (Check their video The Kill on Youtube. There's a Furry sex scene of sorts. Our suspicions weren't entirely off.)
After awhile they left much to our appreciation. Then the hustlers and bustlers began moving everything and preparing the stage for the headliners. Couches were put out on stage. A few stools as well.
That's when I started to feel a little more pressure, a little more pushing, a little more heat. People surged and swayed and all I could do was try to maintain my footing. I couldn't move my arms and I'm sure I could have just lifted my feet and still stay up. We were packed in.
Then the familiar sounds of the beginning of Pardon Me started and the lights kicked in on the band walking out onto stage. The place went electric.
3, exactly 3 fucking songs in and something odd happened. The lead singer decided to toss a few water bottles into the crowd. One of which I jumped and lifted my arms up over the people around me and caught. A sweet escape from the heat. I poured it over my head and then gave what was left to my friend who was now several feet away due to the pushing around in the crowd. I suddenly realized in handing the water bottle to him that I couldn't put my arms down. I was too squished to actually get my arms down. I felt trapped.
That's when the old crow moved in. She was drunk, I could tell. She was grinding on my crotch, my crotch could tell. And I was utterly trapped.
I called to my friend and all he did was shrug and give me that, "Dude, fucking awesome!" look and a thumbs up. Her friends were right next to me, literally. One on the back of my left shoulder and the other directly behind me with her tits on my back. They patted me on the shoulder and said, "Sorry babe, she's a little out of it."
Fuck it. When in Rome, right?
This 40 year old woman that was now pressed against because of the crowd was gyrating her ass all over me. I'm sure my face was red as hell. All of a sudden I had a thought.
"Hey lady, I'm only 18!" I yelled over the band into her ear. She yelled something to the effect that she couldn't hear me.
"I said I'm only 18!" As I said it I pulled her hair back from her ear so she could hear me. I thought I was being considerate. To this day I don't know what she thought I said but next thing I knew I was being molested by this woman and had no where to go.
I was in a pickle over my pickle.
Do I just let her do what she wants? Do I tell her to fuck off? She's fucking old! I still couldn't get my hands down and just conceded that they would just rest on the shoulders of the people next to me, who knew I couldn't move. What could I do?
That's when her friend noticed what was going on. She tapped me on the shoulder and said something that I don't remember. She understood that I was perplexed. I lowered my shoulder so she could see what was going on and she gasped and covered her mouth. She saw her drunk friend trying to give an 18 year old a hand job through his board shorts.
Hooray, her gasping made everyone look and see what was going on. About 8 to 10 people turned and saw me getting a hand job from a lady twice my age and that I had a hard on. Sweet! That's just what I planned! Them turning allowed me to pull my arms back down and brush her hands away and cover up. I could feel the blood rushing up to my face once more but that feeling was ended abruptly when her friends grabbed her and made a B-line out of there, pushing people over.
Train made it back to me finally. He gave me this look of pity.
"Some old lady just tried to give me a hand job at a concert, dude."
"Yeah, pretty cool."
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-14 16:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How'd I miss this one, faggot???
Submitted by URMY_bitch (user info) at 2006-08-12 10:07:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Sockster (user info) at 2006-08-11 03:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I saw that movie today.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-10 22:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should'a brought down the wild cougar, man.
Get some.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-08-10 16:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-08-10 15:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pardon me while I burst?
Good story. Wish it was longer, though. And Incubus is fantastic. The last time I saw them was for my girlfriend's birthday when I booked a jacuzzi suite for the weekend along with the tix $$
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-10 15:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MILFs, they're what's for dinner.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-10 15:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WCM, I was drinking at a concert at VA beach when I was underage and when the cops came around to give out tickets I showed them my fake ID. There is an innocent dude wandering around somewhere that has an outstanding arrest warrant for Drinking in Public, and I'm assuming Failure to Appear since he couldn't have known about his ticket.
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2006-08-10 15:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha! That might've been my mom!
Nah, just kidding, eew. =P
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-08-10 15:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, it was Jared Leto of Fight Club and My So Called Life fame that you saw performing with 30 Seconds to Mars. He's a renaissance man.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-08-10 15:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The thing is, Sico, doing something like that in Virginia Beach gets you beaten, cuffed and put in jail by big black police officers. Va Beach is a no fun city. No cussing, no skimpy bikinis. You can't do shit in that city without there being some sort of exaggerated law banning it.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You are getting this +1 only because it would have been even better if you pulled your cock out and batched off on her back. Then she would have to walk around with a load on her back. The hand doesn't have a face....and it's not YOURS.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://imdb.com/name/nm0001467/
His name is Jared Leto. He's been in a few movies I've seen and didn't realize it. Kind of odd.
Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, a hand is a hand. Unless you chafe easily, you should've just taken the HJ.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh sweet jebus nooooo
You know the odd thing is, if that had been a 40-year-old man groping a teenage girl the entire scene would have been different. I don't know what that means really, just a thought.
was it really the guy from Fight Club? If so then that is just freaky
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha.
Submitted by bigshot (user info) at 2006-08-10 14:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
badass
Submitted by Defect (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:20:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm fucking stupid. I just looked it up and he WAS the guy I was talking about in Fight Club. Fuck.
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HA! I was kinda wondering...
I would rather listen to 30 Seconds To Mars than Incubus, however.
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Incubus = crap after make yourself.
Best album EVER = S.C.I.E.N.C.E., followed by Fungus Amongus
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm fucking stupid. I just looked it up and he WAS the guy I was talking about in Fight Club. Fuck.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Incubus
Submitted by malkavian (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:10:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know I am gonna get flamed for that question but, what band was it?
30 seconds to mars sucks ass, even though the lead singer was that gorgeous guy in Requiem for a Dream. Hmmmmm....
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The kind of heat that gives fat woman sweat rings under their tits.
take your +2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-08-10 13:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
total strangers give me hand jobs all the time
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The stuff of nightmares.
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh
I should -2 you just because I am over 40.