TDtTD Part 2: I'm the only hell Mama ever raised (757 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: TDtTD
Rating: 1.48 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie Derkins (View user info) at 2006-08-10 16:44:52 EDT
The Day the Teephphah Died Part One: The Alcohall of Fame http://www.ubersite.com/m/91581
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"Hello," I said, picking up the phone.
"Susie," a voice replied, "It's me."
"YOU again!" I yelled, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR HEAVY BREATHING! SURE IT WAS FUNNY, MAYBE EVEN SOMEWHAT FLATTERING THE FIRST EIGHT TIMES, BUT NOW IT'S JUST GETTING WEIRD! AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FAPPING NOISE?? I'M CALLING THE RCMP!"
"What?? Wait!" The voice stammered, "Suze, it's ICARUS."
"Icarus?? Icky from Uber?"
"The same."
"How did you get my number?" I asked suspiciously.
"My sister works for investigations in the Air Force. I told her that if she didn't find you I'd tell the base commander about that time she experimented with snorting pixie sticks in high school."
"Wait," I said, "that's not illegal."
"It'll be too late by the time she finds THAT out," Icarus said, "Susie, The State needs your help."
"No girls allowed!" I heard a gravelly voice bellow in the background. "NO GIRLS IN THE STAMMPH!!" The words were drowned by what sounded like a sweat sock or makeshift gag.
"What was that?" I asked
"Never mind that, it was just the TV. Will you help?"
"I suppose so, but what do you need me for?"
"Well, there's a bit of a JESUS CHRIST, JACK!" I heard a ruckus in the background as someone was trying to grab the phone from Ick. "TEEPH GET HIM OUT OF HERE!"
"Jack?" I asked "Jack McCallum?? That was him before, wasn't it? He doesn't want a girl, much less a CANADIAN girl to join your ranks, am I right?"
"Ummm....yeah....kind of."
"Fuck it. I don't care what the mission is, I'm there." I slammed down the phone.
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"Susie's in, she's on her way." I said as I walked into the lower level where Teephphah had a sulking Jack cornered with the fireplace poker.
"What did you call her for? What good is she going to do?" Jack inquired, keeping one eye on the instrument leveled at him.
"Listen, Jack." I replied evenly, "She may be a girl and a tree hugging Canuck, but she's just what we need. A few months ago, she lost her shit in the middle of downtown Toronto and beat 12 passerby to death with a YOGA MAT. It took five officers to bring her down. We need that kind of blind rage and dedication to the cause."
"Fine." spat Jack, "Just don't expect me to help her if she gets into trouble. God knows those Canadians can't hold their own in war."
"Meow," Came a scratchy feline voice over the two-way radio. "Meow."
"What's that, Israel the gay and also homosexual Bagelcat?" Jack asked, tuning him in.
"Meow."
The Sexy Irish Wife came running down the stairs, laptop in hand. "We've spotted a surly mob headed for the house." She said, scrolling to the output from a night cam mounted to the room. "ETA five minutes."
"Is that true, Bagelcat?" Jack demanded. "Is the Holy State of Getthefuckoutahere under siege by the savage blue collar natives?"
"Prrrrow."
I moved over, watching as she zoomed in, as pixilated blurs sharpened to pitch forks, stump grinders, and George Foreman grills.
"Savage like Icarus?" Teephphah asked, grabbing the radio. "Tell us, Bagelcat! We must know!!"
"Maow."
"Incoming!" SIW called. "Mini grill at ten o clock!"
There was a hailstorm of spent coals, a pinwheel of rust-bubbled chrome and tripod legs, and the glint of the sun off a Weber logo as it crashed into the camera. Then all was static and the sound of coals cart wheeling off the roof.
"Ten AM or PM, Bagelcat??" Teeph demanded.
"Central, mountain or pacific??" Jack demanded. "Lives are on the fucking line, bub!"
"Meow?"
"Camera twenty-four is down." Reported SIW, "Switching to twenty-two with parabolic mic."
The static faded to an overhead shot of the crowd from an armored camera mounted near the fence. A sound like the buzzing of an elephantine insect rolled from a heap of metal and galvanized tires that slowly crashed, half on its own combustion and half pushed by the populous.
"What the hell IS that?" Teephphah asked.
"Looks to be a makeshift ballista." SIW conjectured, "Built... hmmmm... from the remains of a Ford Louisville."
"We're screwed." Jack said, "Have you seen their lawns? They got enough rotting cars, four wheelers and construction equipment to win a land war in Asia."
"Gentlemen," I said, putting on my ostrich-plumed admiralty hat and stashing a third pistol in my brace, "the Holy State of Gettthefuckoutahere has one motto; 'Always outnumbered, NEVER outgunned.'"
User Reviews
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-14 22:43:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay this shit it funny.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-11 11:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus fucking 2 for the 'Hobolymics'
I nearly shit myself...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-11 11:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"we're surrounded, that makes our job easier"
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-08-11 00:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-08-10 20:47:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is any part of this my fault?
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How so?
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-08-10 20:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is any part of this my fault?
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-08-10 18:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ooooh hate from houseman. Ah well, I don't feel half as bad as Icky wrote half of this. JohnnyX.....erm....thanks?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-10 17:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And one more for good measure...
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-10 17:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-10 17:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jaysis Fuck, what just happened here???
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2006-08-10 16:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think I liked this one better.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91649
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-10 16:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-10 16:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-10 16:54:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would love to twiddle your nipples
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STOP! THIS WAS PARTIALLY MY POST! YOUR MAKING ME FEEL ALL OOKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S RIGHT, BIDJES! I'M +2'ING MY OWN SHIT!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-10 16:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would love to twiddle your nipples