The Day the Teephphah Died: I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life (878 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 2 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus [was ten in] 1987 (View user info) at 2006-08-11 11:05:50 EDT
The Day the Teephphah Died Part One: The Alcohall of Fame http://www.ubersite.com/m/91581
TDtTD Part 2: I'm the only hell Mama ever raised: http://www.ubersite.com/m/91650
In the last episode of TDtTD, our heroes were over a bed of coals without any marinade as Barbecue Bob and his mob of blue collar knuckle-draggers bombarded the state of Getthefuckoutahere with mini Weber Grills! Will Susie Derkins, the Canadian Krakatoa, ride to the rescue in time? Will Icarus live up to his brave reputation? Will Israel Bagelcat EVER meet a man who deserves him? All these questions and more will be answered in:
Part the Third: I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
"Sis," The Brat whined, "you've GOT to help!"
"What's wrong, Icky?" I asked, shouldering the phone and propping my dainty size twelves up on a purple throw pillow. "Another squirrel in the attic?"
"NO! You need to call for an air strike NOW!""
I turned up Guiding Light. JR was supposed to be proposing to Piper this week, and I wasn't going to miss it for another of my little brother's shenanigans. I feigned a yawn. "A chipmunk in the garage?"
"NO! They've got a truck and a MOUNTAIN of grills! YOU NEED TO GET YOUR PLYWOOD BUTT OUT HERE AND FIREBOMB EVERYTHING BUT MY HOUSE!"
"Tell you what, I'll stop by if Belinda's cooking and you call me Princess." I said, "I may even bring some of my girlfriends from the base."
"I hate you," He grumbled, "and you have no butt."
"Come on," I urged, "what did you used to call me when we were widdle and I held your arms behind your back?"
There was a pause. "You dumb giant."
"Come on... you called me Princess--" I urged. There was a click and the other end went dead. "That's right," I said; "Of the Known Universe."
***
"They're coming from the back!" Jack reported from the roof. A 1970's Broil King overshot, pirouetting off the back eaves and crashing through Shirtless Dan's picture window. "And they're coming from the side! People, MULTitudes of people!"
"Sis!" Icarus's voice called from the called into the phone as he pushed another one of his long nines on to the deck a horn of black powder over either shoulder; "SIS, THEY HIT SHIRTLESS DAN'S HOUSE! SHIRTLESS—DAN'S!! I FUCKING HATE HIM! YOU GOTTA MAKE SURE YOU BURN HIS HOUSE TOO!"
"Don't bother, baby." I said, folding the laptop screen down, sliding it on to the Adirondack table. "They cut the line. DSL, phone, everything's gone. We've been cut off from the outside world."
"I guess that's a 'no' on the tactical air strike." Teephphah sighed, scanning the multitudes with his binoculars. From atop the deck, I scanned the crowd with my scope. There were hundreds of them clamoring up the street; old-school rednecks with their white moustaches and third-trimester potbellies; middle-agers with their redneck/wigger hybrid spawn trailing behind them.
All of a sudden, the mob stopped dead in their tracks. They all looked up at the sky and then down at their watches. Mumbling to one another, they turned, hitched up their pants and went back from whence they came.
"What?" Jack cried, "What's going on? Why are they leaving?"
User Reviews
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-14 22:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you and all of your hilarity.
That's right I said it.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-11 16:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-11 16:13:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
no worries, there will be no nipple-twiddling on this post
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Awwww :(
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-11 16:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no worries, there will be no nipple-twiddling on this post
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poor TP
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-11 12:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, Jack doesn't cry, he bellows.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-11 11:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment