The Ultimate Question Finally Receives An Answer (1097 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2006-08-11 12:59:16 EDT
"Oh my god, Chris! Look out!"
My head swiveled hither and thither, searching for the object of distress and found it soon after my search had begun. A blue minivan, skidding sideways, was headed straight for my tiny sedan. What do I do? What do I do? Do I try to shield my wife? Do I try to go limp? It was already too late. The minivan, unable to be restrained by the simple materials of my driver's side door, shot directly into where my abdomen used to hold my insides in. The pain was overwhelming.
For a little bit, that is.
One moment I had my eyes closed, head tilted back in sheer agony with a grimace the size of Delaware. "Just please let me die," I had thought. Apparently my thoughts were granted.
The next moment I stood before large gates that could not hide the glow inside them, revealing where I had ended up without anyone saying a word. I quickly remembered that to get in here, one was supposed to have been a good person in life. Quickly, I went through the events of my life in my head. I was a good person, but was I good enough? I had stood up to that bully in 5th grade...but that was kind of self-serving. Oh, I had spent a lot of time with my grandmother before she died. That'll get me some points. But then again...there's all of the drinking. And then there's the masturbation. I wasn't quite sure of the rules on those.
"Chris!" What appeared to be a very old man called to me. He had a white mane and a long beard which stretched somewhere beneath the cloud he was sitting on. His face showed few wrinkles but the face had plenty of age on it, somewhere. The eyes exuded a calming effect on me that I hoped for and craved. "Come sit, my dear boy. You must have a lot of questions."
"Who doesn't?"
"Haha," laughed the old man, "you would be surprised how many just want to know if they are 'in' or not. Funny how 'they' never make it 'in'."
My brain was racking itself at this point, but only old hackneyed questions came to mind. As tired as those questions are on Earth, I had finally come to the place where they could be answered. So I asked what I really wanted to know:
"What's the meaning of life?"
The twinkles in the old man's eyes seemed to jump rope with each other at this question as if he had never been asked before. The corners of his mouth attempted to join the party up north but merely made the old man seem as amused as a child with a lollipop.
"Chris, let me introduce myself. My name is Simon but people have a habit of calling me Saint Peter. You can use either one as you like. I've gotten used to both of them by now, really." Simon stood slowly and offered his hand to me so I could do the same. As I took it, I noticed his hands were as smooth as anything I had ever felt and worried that my earthly hands would rub off on him. "Walk with me, Chris."
And so we strolled.
We walked on the clouds and talked about my death and how to cope with the realization that I was at the end of a fantastic journey, in a way. But of course, a door never closes without a window being opened, blah, blah, blah.
"But you can have so much more than you ever had in life, Chris," Simon said. "All you have to do is pass the one test that all humans must take."
My Adam's apple bobbed down and up in my throat in anticipation of what the test could be. Surely it wouldn't be physical in nature. Maybe he would just judge me based on my so-called sins and decide if I was worthy. Eventually I could contain my curiosity no longer.
"Simon," I nervously brought up my courage. "What exactly is..."
"...is the test?" Simon looked away from me for a second, taking time to gaze out into the starry night. Or space. I wasn't really sure where we were in the universe. "Chris, do you remember earlier, when you asked me what the meaning of life is?"
I nodded, wondering where this could be going.
"Chris," Simon said, "my boss rewards knowledge and those who seek it out. The question you asked earlier, 'what is the meaning of life,' has been around for quite a while. Since the beginning of time, in fact. Anybody who is anybody wonders why they exist and usually try to come up with a response." Simon turned to look at me, straight in the eyes. "Your test, Chris, is to tell me the meaning of life."
Memories flooded back and forth through my brain. If thousands before me had summed up human existence, I could do it too. But where to start? With birth? With death? How do you explain an entire lifetime of knowledge?
"You have as much time as you need, Chris. I understand the task is not an easy one but it is really the best one. If you were paying attention you shouldn't have too much trouble."
Paying attention? What the hell did that mean? I had missed important clues before, from women primarily, but surely the meaning of life would not be as subtle as a well-timed hair sweep.
"Do you have anything yet?" The voice of Simon rang through the space as when a teacher is calling on you and you don't know the answer. You dig and dig through your brain but you simply can't find the right answer.
How was I supposed to figure this thing out while millions of years of human existence could not? There are organized religions all over the place trying to answer the question and still they do an extremely poor job. How could one human of average intelligence come up with an answer that the greatest men in history had sought for their entire lives?
I knew then that the matter was somewhat hopeless. But I couldn't go out that way. I couldn't just give up. I didn't really know where I was going or how many things I would leave out, but I had to try.
"The meaning of life," I said with absolutely no confidence, "is all about obeying the rules that our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, has set forth to us and be his servants in whatever he commands."
Simon sat down and shook his head.
"Even Charles Manson gave a better first answer than that, Chris." Simon chuckled and crossed his legs. "But nobody gets it on their first try. Go ahead. Try again. Just tell me what's so great about life. It's a simple request, really."
I'd never be able to explain everything beautiful and singular to the human existence. Then again, Simon did say that I had as much time as I wanted. And even if I spent 10 years talking my answer out, I had nothing but the rest of the eternity on my hands.
"The meaning of life is cramming as much good stuff in as you can," I said. "Waking up next to someone you love. How the grass feels against your bare feet in the summer. Sleeping in. Making people laugh. Music. Love. Friends. Finishing a good book..."
"You're never going to finish if you do it like that," Simon said. "It's nice to know you had a good time down there. Mind if I ask you to tell me what you've learned instead of blubbering about?"
Now Simon was just starting to piss me off. If you're looking for a universal truth, you have to include the lot of humanity. And if you include everyone, there are going to be a lot of...
"The meaning of life changes for every person, though," I said angrily and rapidly. "The meaning of my life may have been to work a dead-end job so that my bosses could live productive lives and raise productive children who think they know how to motivate others. Others' lives may be as simple as survival of their bloodline. You can't just fold things into a neat little package that applies to everyone. If human beings are as different as I was led to believe then there is no answer to the question. The only real meaning of life that people really need to worry about is to fashion a good answer for your absurd question before they get jerked around by you, Saint Peter."
The look of amusement on Peter's face had not changed. But then again, he had heard the same progression in person after person, age after age.
"Come on in, Chris," he said, widening his smile and raising his eyebrows. "That'll do."
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-15 04:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BananaPhone (user info) at 2006-08-13 10:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FORTY-TWO!!!
Oh, and good post.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-12 21:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-08-12 21:15:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy below me is below me, and he'll below you, too!
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Fuck you, wise ass, Sfaggy, KindaNews, or whatever you are showing up as today.
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-08-12 21:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The guy below me is below me, and he'll below you, too!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-11 21:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-11 14:42:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
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Your choice, dude, but I would really like to see you explain your rating.
Poster dude, this was fucking great !!!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-11 19:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-11 18:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks man...
This was excellent.
Submitted by Sockster (user info) at 2006-08-11 18:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-11 15:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-11 14:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-11 14:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but the title made me think 42.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
=)
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:20:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
SPT -2
I DID NOT GET MY WEEKLY -2 FROM YOU YESTERDAY :(
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91623
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:47:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality.
Submitted by Phyllis (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not as good as......
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82339
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SPT -2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Colon Hyphen Capital "d".
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is when you wish you could just give a +3
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2006-08-11 13:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME!