The Suzie Quotient--scientifically measuring how cliched a love song is (457 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.38 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Andrew Livingston <fadetoyellow.at.graffiti.net> (View user info) at 2006-08-11 17:25:19 EDT
I have a theory that just about all love songs with hackneyed lyrics the author put absolutely zero effort into writing (read: "just about all love songs ever written") are variations, in varying degrees on "Suzie Q". The lyrics to "Suzie Q" go as follows:
Oh Suzie Q, oh Suzie Q, oh Suzie Q, baby I love you, Suzie Q
I like the way you walk, I like the way you talk
I like the way you walk, I like the way you talk, Suzie Q
Oh say that you'll be true, oh say that you'll be true
Oh say that you'll be true and never leave me blue, Suzie Q
Oh say that you'll be mine, oh say that you'll be mine
Oh say that you'll be mine, baby, all the time, Suzie Q
This is the mould out of which most all love songs, intentionally or no, are made. Almost an archetype in a way. The only things missing are a few more of the most hackneyed rhymes and off-rhymes:
fire + desire
ring + thing
girl + world
mind + time
baby + crazy
chance + dance
inside + hide (usually something like "a feeling inside I can't hide")
fine + mine (or fine + mind)
Of course I have to leave out some of the so-cliched-everyone-who-still-writes-them-deserves-to-be-buried-alive rhymes of other genres of music ("mild" and "child" in the hymnals, anyone?) and subject matter for songs ("death" and "breath" in heavy metal songs, anyone?), but for love songs the stuff above about covers it, I think.
So here I present to you the world's first scientific way of measuring the sociopathically effortless knocked off lyrics factor in 99% of all love songs. I call it (what else?) Suzie Quotient. Here's how it works: count up one point for each word from the lyrics to "Suzie Q" that's also in the love song in question, apart from articles ("the"), pronouns ("I", "me", "you"), conjunctions ("and"), and the word "that". Add an extra point whenever two words in a row (like "be mine") appear in both songs, two extra points when three words in a row appear (like "way you talk"), etc. Add an extra point for every time the song shares a rhyme or attempted rhyme with Suzie Q (like "mine + time") and finally a point for each of the eight or so leftover mega-hackneyed rhymes listed above is also to be found in the song in question. The total number you now have is the song's Suzie Quotient (SQ).
So for example, going by the printed lyrics, "Here Comes the Rain Again", by the Eurhythmics, has an SQ of 6, and "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith has almost the same, an SQ of 5. Don't fall under the impression, though, that a song has to be really elaborate or articulate to avoid being cliched: witness a song from the final Beatles album, "For You Blue", which is as simple as it gets but has an SQ of about 2, whereas "I Feel Fine", one of the Beatles' earlier love songs, has an astonishing SQ of 11.
So the next time you're listening to a love song and begin to feel vaguely that you've heard it before even though you know you never have, and you know that this is because it's as identical to every other song as...well, every other song, you now have a way to prove how wrong is your ignoramus of a friend who insists that the thieving hack who wrote the song is a genius. Just whip out a piece of paper and tally up the Suzie Quotient! Your friend will have no choice but to scoot away from you slowly with a worried look on his face, he'll be so impressed! Don't worry if he never talks to you again and you catch him referring to you in public as "that fucking weirdo": he's just jealous he didn't think of SQ first!
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-12 22:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your SQ is a -3,223,225. This sucked.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-12 12:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If I record it I'll have a b-side track for my first single "Fistfuck Blues."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-12 12:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just trying to write something with a low Suzie Quotient is all.
I've got a beat for it and everything. Now all I need is the perfect riff.
Submitted by Gargamel (user info) at 2006-08-11 21:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know, orgasmatron, that *is* actually pretty good.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-11 21:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-11 17:57:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm gonna fuck you till you love me
Fuck you
===
Fuck you
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2006-08-11 20:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmatron, will you accept me as your disciple?
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-11 18:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is for Orgasmatron. Not you.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-11 17:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I'm gonna fuck you till you love me"
I'm restless for your breastses
And I'm not to be denied
I'm plumpin for some bumpin
And my target is your hide
You'll find that I'm the garlic
To your pasta sauce delight
But I won't make you stinky
My white gravy tastes just right
I'm gonna fuck you till you love me
I'm gonna fuck you till you love me
I'm gonna fuck you till you love me
Fuck you
Your steezy is so pleasey
That I think I shit my pants
I long to kill your dueling knight
With my pink fleshy lance
No fakin', take my bacon
Catch my gristle in your pud
I'll hunt you down like Rambo
Bag and tag you for first blood
I'm gonna fuck you till you love me
I'm gonna fuck you till you love me
I'm gonna fuck you till you love me
Fuck you
Submitted by anass (user info) at 2006-08-11 17:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good fucking call...
Those songs are classics because of how tight the music is, as well as super-produced for its time. Maybe people don't know what to listen for in "good-music" so the lyrics were designed (In my opinion) to achieve a "mental-tone" with the general thoughts people have about wanting love/women/sex...
Submitted by Gargamel (user info) at 2006-08-11 17:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I happen to be a fan of CCR. It just so happens that >>THEY DIDN'T WRITE THAT SONG THEMSELVES<<, you flaming ignoramus.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-11 17:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wtf is this shit?
how can you compare all that shitty music to CCR and then come up with some hack rating system?
you suck ass...