Have you ever fucked a man before? (1061 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nefandus Maleficus <wuhoa.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-06-20 23:26:03 EDT
Him "I bet you've already slept with a man."
Tucker "Alright, come on man--I invented Tucker Max Drunk, but not even Tucker Max Drunk makes you switch teams."
Him "How many women have you been with?"
Tucker "I don't know, about [number]."
Him "Oh yeah, I bet you've fucked a man."
Tucker [Getting obviously frustrated] "How??"
Him "I have three words for you: Post-Op Transsexual."
It took three seconds for the full meaning and significance of that statement to filter through my drunken brain. Then came the first stage of loss, Denial.
Tucker "What? Get the fuck out of here. I've never fucked one of those."
Him "You wouldn't know."
Tucker "Man, give me some credit."
Him "Have you ever slept with a woman who told you she couldn't naturally lubricate, that she had to use KY?"
Oh no...
Tucker "Well...yeah...2, actually."
Him "Uh-huh."
Tucker "No. No way. Stacey was one, I went to college with her, she was definitely a woman. Everything about her was woman. And she was like 17 when we fucked. You can't be post-op that young."
Him "Probably not. What about the other one?"
Oh no, oh motherfucking no...
Tucker "Uhhh, I met her in Miami..."
Him "What did she do?"
Tucker "She was a stripper."
Him "Did she have fake tits?"
Tucker "Yes."
OH DEAR MERCIFUL JESUS.
Tucker "No, man, fuck that, she was not a fucking man. She didn't have an Adams apple."
Him "That is a two hour outpatient surgery. Easily done. Cheap too."
Tucker "But it was...she had a pussy. IT FELT LIKE A PUSSY."
Him "Surgery is amazing these days. She probably even had a clit, but I bet it was bigger than most."
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??
Tucker "But she was soft. Her skin I mean. She felt like a girl."
Him "You're smart. You know what large amounts of estrogen do to the male body, don't you?"
Tucker [I just stood there, trying to recall every detail about her]
Him "Did you have anal sex with her?"
Tucker "Yeah."
Him "You ever had anal sex with other girls?"
Tucker "Yeah."
Him "Felt a little different with her, didn't it?"
Oh Christ, he was right. I distinctly remember that. Then came the second stage of loss, Anger:
Tucker "FUCK THIS!! NO FUCKING WAY THAT I FUCKED A MAN!!"
Him "I think you did."
Tucker "SHUT UP SHUT UP I CAN'T BE HEARING THIS!!!"
Him "Don't feel bad, this happens to lots of guys. You'd be shocked."
Tucker "OH MOTHERFUCK!! NO WAY. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING I AM NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION!! WHAT IN DEAR GOD IS HAPPENING???"
http://tuckermax.com/Stories/conversation.htm
User Reviews
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2003-07-03 20:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry for the minus 2 but dude...just give the link to the story don't cut and paste someone elses work. that is friggin lame.
Yes Tucker moved to Austin about a month ago.
go kick his ass Hidden or drink him under the table
-Turtle
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-06-22 16:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my buddy said he saw him in Austin a little while ago. he doesn't live in Chicago, anymore. he works in a bar on the famous 6th Street. i'm goin' up there sometime this month to party. love that place.
that reminds me of Tucker Max death mix. man, how come no one drank my Everclear last night? the bottle is full! i guess everyone is scared of the "white man killa drink" that's what my Puerto Rican buddy called it. he refuses to drink it. actually, i think no one drank it because i paid 50 goddamn dollars for a case of Red Bull, and bought a crapload of vodka. seemed to be pretty damn popular, considering the entire case went in less than a half hour. but then again, there were ALOT of people here...
good times...
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-06-22 16:08:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He must have moved.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-06-22 15:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if he's in chicago now, he needs to update his site then.
http://tuckermax.com/Misc/personalinfo.htm
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-06-22 15:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every guy who reads this is probably thinking really hard and getting slightly queasy right about now.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-06-22 15:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tucker Max lives in Chicago, I think in Lincoln Park. If not, he's always talking about going to bars in this area.
Kind of funny actually... the picture on the upper right of the front page of his site, http://happy.lulu.com/tucker/tmhatgirl.jpg , was taken at a bar near my apartment called Cherry Red on halloween. I was at Cherry Red on halloween. I didn't see him or that girl, but I was also pretty drunk and concentrating on a girl dressed in black leather.
Small fucking world.
Submitted by Rokinroj (user info) at 2003-06-22 15:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I worked with a guy who got a hooker in Tijuana and when they got to her room (and were just getting to business) 2 guys rushed in and beat his ass, tied him up and took turns hammering him in the rear, then robbed him. He actually had to spend a while in the hospital as his sphincter was ripped.
That would suck. You would think the guy would quit his job once everyone found out, but he didn't. He even told the story to people who asked about it.
I think I would rather be dead!
Submitted by cellar_door (user info) at 2003-06-22 15:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-06-22 14:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what bar does he work at?
i'm going to austin in about 2 weeks. i should go check out where that crazy beeatch works!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-06-22 14:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tucker Max is the best. hey Streetpunk, when are we gonna go pay Tucker a visit?
i KNOW i never fucked a man, but a guy at work got his dick sucked by a tranny and found out it was a man later.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-06-22 14:22:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
deep breath
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-06-20 23:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know what...no.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-06-20 23:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHHAAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
wait a second........................Uh oh