Took a Hooker on a date. Why is MY jaw is sore? (2577 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.66 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Cali (View user info) at 2006-08-12 01:07:12 EDT
I had gotten set up on this blind date with Jayna for Thursday night at 9. I showed up about 30 minutes early to have a few drinks at the bar, you know, to loosen up a bit. 9-o'clock came around, and she hadn't shown up yet. That's fine; still have time to knock back a couple more. She finally arrived at 9:15, and I get up to introduce myself, then lead her to our table.
She was absolutely stunning. Just a bit over 5-foot tall, long black hair, and beautiful almond shaped eyes. She was 20, but looked much younger which is always a plus, in a sick perverted way.
We sat there for a good hour and a half learning more about each other. She was a full-time student, still living at home. Undecided on a major, but wanted to either be a pediatrician, or vet. Typical, no? Since she was giving me the look that let me know I was gonna get lucky tonight, I invited her back to my house for some drinks.
While sitting in the living room talking, I mention that I was going to buy a boat off of Craigslist. She was interested in seeing it, so I went to my computer and brought it up.
"Hey, did you know that I was on Craigslist, too?"
"Oh yeah? Well, let me check it out."
I get up and head to the kitchen to grab a couple more drinks, thinking I was gonna see some old textbooks or used clothes for sale. I come back to the computer, and what I saw shocked the Hell out of me. Well, sure enough, she was on Craigslist.
No, I mean SHE was on Craigslist.
Right there under 'Erotic Services'. I felt my jaw drop, but made no effort to close it.
"I KNEW YOU WOULD DO THIS! I KNEW YOU WOULD JUDGE ME!"
"Whoa, hold on a second. Chill out."
"How am I gonna 'chill' when you're freaking out on me?!"
"What are you talking about? I haven't said anything."
You're a freaking WHORE! What are you doing in my house? Now I'm going to have to burn that couch you were sitting on, and I LOVE that couch! Thanks a lot.
"So, you're not upset at my lifestyle?"
Without answering her question, I lean over and read the profile. $150 for 30 minutes, and $200 for a full hour? Hell, if this is the case, I'm already $600+ in the hole, and haven't gotten any action yet.
This was a rather awkward situation. Here I am, having a wonderful time with this cute, little thing and then finding out she is a damned prostitute. I could go two different ways with this. I can either let it slide, and tell her I have an early day tomorrow, and need my sleep. Or I could just say...
"So, do I owe you money, or is tonight on the house?"
Well, I guess that offended the Professional Penis Rider, because she stood up, walked over, and slapped the shit out of me. This wasn't one of those little slaps that girls give when they are angry. You know, the ones where you act hurt, but you're really trying to keep from laughing. No sir, it definitely wasn't one of those. This bitch smacked the taste out of my mouth.
I suppose that you would have to know self-defense in her line of work.
Before I could fully come to my senses, she stormed out of the house, jumped into her car, and sped off knocking over my trashcans. I don't know what I'm more worried about. Her coming back and fucking my car and house up, or her pimp coming along and fucking my...world...up.
Before bed that night, I had a little heart-to-heart with my penis (as I do quiet frequently). I let him know how close he was to being done for. We made a little deal. If I promised to stop masturbating on a tri-daily basis, then he would stop getting me in trouble.
My penis and I have never been good at keeping promises.
User Reviews
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2006-11-08 13:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Whores are fun!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-14 19:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ahdragos (user info) at 2006-08-12 13:19:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad you said that. You were definitely getting it free. Then you could have told all your friends you fucked a hooker and it was so good you didn't have to pay.
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indeed...this was a good story, but your heterosexuality is up for discussion now.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-14 03:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SweatyButcher (user info) at 2006-08-13 21:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have seen how much action she's seen. If she's new in the buisness, maybe her snatch isn't a cesspool of horrors and painful piss!
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-08-13 20:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-08-13 19:51:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
You should have fucked her, dumbass.
=========
yeah, shame on me for not having sex with a... HOOKER.
What was I thinking?
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-08-13 19:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You should have fucked her, dumbass.
Submitted by OfficeZombie (user info) at 2006-08-13 14:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, even though in the same position I would have closed the deal.
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-08-13 11:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ubercon?
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-08-13 10:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I hope you learned your lesson young man.
If only you'd kept your mouth shut.
Not to worry. I see many more
prostitutes in your future!
:-)
Submitted by ahdragos (user info) at 2006-08-12 13:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad you said that. You were definitely getting it free. Then you could have told all your friends you fucked a hooker and it was so good you didn't have to pay.
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2006-08-12 12:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If she's really independant you don't have to be worried about her pimp.
You should have told her to bend over.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-12 11:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-08-12 05:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i know guys that get their jaws sore in bad places with those types
i never could figure that one out myself, and especially after i......
shit, i didn't even like accompanying that one back down the elevator
<fucking vegas>
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2006-08-12 03:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this happened to me once, only with a group of nuns
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-12 03:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm scrollin' up HIGH
You scrollin' down LOW
I'm always late fo' school
Cuz yo momz drivez slowz...
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-08-12 03:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats some funny shit right there. I got a date lined up tonite, she seems to good to be true. This has made me paranoid............
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-08-12 02:46:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LOOK WHAT THE FILENAME BROUGHT TO THIS POST!
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-08-12 01:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wore my extra loose pants for nothing. Nothing!
-- Homer Simpson
New Kid on the Block
Submitted by Sockster (user info) at 2006-08-12 01:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-12 01:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She is hot, but a whore is a whore man. Gotta keep it clean.
Submitted by JSultan (user info) at 2006-08-12 01:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha...
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2006-08-12 01:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Homer: You can let him down gently, but over the next couple of
months, I want you to break it off.
Marge: Um, okay, Homer.
Homer: Whoof! That was a close one, kids.
Another Simpsons Clip Show
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2006-08-12 01:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think that was a valid question
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-08-12 01:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes! Oh, yes! Read it and weep! In your face -- I got more chicken
bone!
-- Homer Simpson
When Flanders Failed
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-08-12 01:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-08-12 01:12:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you need to have a talk with whoever set you up with her.
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In hindsight, I shouldnt have even done it in the first place. The one who set us up is a little on the...psychotic side. I only did it because she's my buddy's wife.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-12 01:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-08-12 01:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you need to have a talk with whoever set you up with her.