Being a Man-Whore - Making Scratch by Banging Snatch (2033 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.8 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2006-08-13 15:59:32 EDT
Being a playa ain't easy, kids. It takes a lot of effort to build up your network, keep certain undesirables at a safe distance, remain disease free and still have fun. Pretty soon the odd hours, threats of bodily harm from disgruntled boyfriends and husbands (dude, I'm not eating from your garden; I'm just plowing it for you when you're not home), lack of moral fiber and making sure the chick is at least eighteen start to take their toll. Plus, to be a good playa, it takes cash. You better be making bank if you want your stable of ponies to be anything more than rotten-twat, used-up swayback mares. That's the trouble a lot of wannabe playas run into - little or no loot = little or no trim.
Well fear not, you broke-ass scrub! Wolfie's here to teach you how to tag all kinds of ass AND make some ends. With my handy-dandy guide and a little ingenuity, you too can be just like me. It's not easy, brothers, but if you think this career is for you, read on.
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The first step is very important: LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. Let's face it - if you're reading this for advice, you're not getting any anyway so lowering the bar shouldn't take that much effort. Is she fat? Perfect. Is she ugly enough to make you call Janet Reno a fox? Excellent. Does she have psychotic tendencies? Awesome. Does she have a glass eye, a hunchback and more facial hair than all the members of ZZ Top combined? Stay the hell away from my sister, you freak! The point is that the more messed up she is, the more likely you are to score and/or get paid to do it.
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Second step: KNOW YOUR ENEMY, ER, CLIENT. Moderate social skills and basic knowledge of human psychology are important if you want to become a man-whore. Women love attentive and intuitive suitors. Start slow and try to be her "friend". Always make deep, focused eye-contact when she's speaking to you. It's imperative that you notice the small things about her. Has she changed/cut her hair or had her nails done? Complement her on it no matter how horrible it/they look. If she's changed something about her appearance after meeting you, there's a good chance she did it solely to see if you'd notice. If she's in a relationship with someone, stealthily observe what's missing from their exchanges. If the significant other is failing to satisfy her needs in any way, that's where you can step in and volunteer your services. Filling the holes in her life will dictate whether or not you get to fill any of her holes.
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Third step: VERY RARELY DO YOU PAY FOR ANYTHING. It doesn't matter if you have a wad of Benjamins held together with a rubber band in your pocket; do not let her know. If you do so, you'll quickly find out that those bills start disappearing whether or not you get any play and you'll become the client (a.k.a. sucker) instead. Act like it's going to put you in a bind to buy her that dollar menu item from McDonalds, but you're doing it because you care about her.
Gas prices are also an excellent excuse. Act like you just HAD to see her tonight but you don't even know if you have the fuel to get back home. This serves a dual purpose; she may give you money for gas (in which case, you just got your first payment, Studly McStudderson) or may even invite you to stay there with her. Now we all know that won't solve your gas "crisis", but you mustn't mention that until in the morning. The more you act like you're sacrificing necessities to spend your time with her, the more likely she'll be to pay you for that time.
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Step four: KNOW HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN. THIS IS ALSO CRUCIALLY IMPORTANT! Look, we all know you're out to get your nut, but she better not see/know/feel that or you'll be shit out of luck. Find out all her turn-ons and turn-offs and implement them in your approaches to her. If she wants control, give it to her. If she wants to be dominated, you'd better damned well be ready to take charge. Whether she wants it slow and sweet or rough and rowdy, you'd better deliver the goods. She should get off at least four times a much as you or you will fail at ever getting another chance (for money or her). If you can make her lose count of how many times she's gotten off, she'll empty her bank accounts to have you back again.
And for God's sake man, know how to eat pussy. If you dive into her muff like a sumo wrestler at an all-you-can-eat buffet, it won't be appreciated. Tease her before you please her and she'll melt into you. Treat her nether regions like it's the best ice cream cone on the planet. Often, her body movements will let you know if you're doing it right or not. Also, some women become hyper-sensitive after cumming that first time so be careful with the clit after that. It's a roller-coaster ride for her so you have to slowly build back up for the next downhill run.
If you've gone down on her properly, she'll initiate when the actual fucking begins. Still, don't jump in there and start hammering away like you have a sewing machine for an ass. Even if she wants it rough and hard, you have to build her up to an orgasmic crescendo. The teasing is important here, too. Now I know you're just dying to get your willy wet, but you'll be more likely to get paid for it if she begs you to put it in there and get it on.
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Step five: ALWAYS LEAVE HER SATIATED BUT WANTING MORE. Face it, though: If you've gotten though step four and you're not making loot off of her, you've lost the battle. You're nothing but a joke and you bring shame to the man-whore name. Seppuku is demanded at this time and your sacrifice will enrich and teach those worthy of the title. Teaching others by your mistakes, failure and subsequent suicide will ensure that the man-whore pool remains strong and pure.
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Step six: THERE IS NO STEP SIX, YOU NO-PAYING-PUSSY-GETTING MOTHERFUCKER! Why haven't you fallen on your sword yet? If you get to step six, get ready for a life of paying for any ass you get and long, lonely nights of masturbating to donkey-on-midget porn. The only advice I could give you at this point would be to buy stock in Jergen's and Kleenex, because you're going to be pushing their profits up anyway.
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And there you have it, kids. This is by no means a comprehensive guide as the human female tends to be inherently unpredictable. If you start slow and pay attention to detail, however, I promise you'll be making scratch by banging snatch in no time. Once you're established and making mad money, you can work on trying to bag that lass that'll make YOU pay to get it. What'll make it all the sweeter is that you're paying for it with the money that her cockblocking uggo best friend gave you to please herself.
Next Week: What's This Rash and Why Does It Burn When I Pee? - How The Free Clinic Can Save You From Certain Embarrassment
User Reviews
Submitted by SGRPUSS (user info) at 2007-10-04 13:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
even though you are a manwhore i still love you.
you still owe me money for the last girl i found you.
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:50:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-20 16:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-11-08 21:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*knock knock*
Where are you, Silvr?
It's been ages.
*pouts*
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2006-11-07 15:38:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
And I thought you'd forgotten all about me, Jamie! I'm so flattered.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2006-08-27 17:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-14 17:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-13 17:20:34 (#)
Ranking: 1
LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. Let's face it - if you're reading this for advice, you're not getting any anyway so lowering the bar shouldn't take that much effort. Is she fat? Perfect. Is she ugly enough to make you call Janet Reno a fox? Excellent. Does she have psychotic tendencies? Awesome."""
is that why you fucked Stin?
Ooooh! SNAP!
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OK, this was gonna be a 1, but that lil comment kicked it up a notch.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-14 13:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking great, Silvr. Although, I play the I don't care what you want, I'm getting mine, I owe don't owe you, you don't owe me card way too often.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-08-14 13:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In reference to deepthroating: I find the 69 position to be easiest for a woman to deepthroat me. It's probably a lot to do with the angle of the head in relation to the esophagus. Well, that and it's fun to distract the woman from what she's attempting to do to me by employing my own skills on her. I've yet to find a woman who can continue going down on me unabated without interrupting herself to moan, squirm and sometimes scream (the latter of which can be a little disturbing at first).
As far as numbing agents go, I've never been with anyone who used such things. Unless you count my cocaine days, which possesses anesthetic properties AND chemically suppresses the gag reflex. Let me tell you, though: I do not miss coke whores; talk about psychotic! And ladies, you don't HAVE to deepthroat to be good at oral. Not that it's not awesome, mind you.
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Sacrilicious: My secretary is currently drawing up the contracts and they will be submitted to you shortly for approval and/or further negotiation. I do hope you'll forgive these mere formalities. Man-whoring is a technical business but I'm sure we can cum to an amicable end. And by amicable, I mean simultaneously.
Is it wrong that I don't feel the least bit dirty about the things I've been saying here?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with a client shortly and I'm always prompt.
A special thanks to the B@W nominations. If I make two posts on there in a row, I'll... well, I don't know what I'll do except be superbly flattered. Thank you all. I love you guys.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-14 12:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent work!!!
B@W
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-14 12:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Suck my dick and I'll numb your throat.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-14 12:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should know about the throat numbing agents, Noonie.
Or are you not the deepthroat queen I made you out to be?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-14 12:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-14 12:22:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
you need throat numbing stuff?
they make throat numbing stuff? i have not heard of this. do you just deepthroat a popsicle or is it like guzzling an orajel cocktail?
splain to me these thing that you speak of.
===
Nah, I don't use it. But I've heard some people use lidocaine and such sore throat spray. I'd think that would be an odd experience and I don't see how it would affect that gag reflex or anything. Me? I learned the old-fashioned way.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-14 12:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you need throat numbing stuff?
they make throat numbing stuff? i have not heard of this. do you just deepthroat a popsicle or is it like guzzling an orajel cocktail?
splain to me these thing that you speak of.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-08-14 12:10:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-14 12:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, you just used three of my all time favorite words in a title so this is probably good.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-14 11:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find this arrangement fair, and am agreeable to it.
I'll bring the throat numbing stuff.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-14 11:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahhahahaha.
the title made me giggle like a middleschooler doing a nitrous hit off a rediwhip can.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-08-14 11:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, I guess I really didn't answer your question, Sacrilicious. It depends, really; if I stick to my guide and get you off at least four times as much as I do, your skills would have to be grand indeed (and I'm in no way denying them). The only proper way I can see of remedying this is to hook up, compare skills and continue negotiations post-coitus. Unless, of course, you plan to [har har] stiff me.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-08-14 11:31:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who knew that I could write a post about getting women to pay men for sex and end up with a following of female supporters? This is why I love Uber.
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'licious: I'm willing to negotiate; have your people call my people and we'll do lunch. But really for you, baby, there would be no need for cash. I also accept drugs as payment. :P
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alwayspeach: I accept your nomination for president but unfortunately, the Constitution says I'm not old enough to run. I'll lobby for legislation to change that, though and after I'm successful, I'll have the proper techniques for oral sex taught in the school system as part of the compulsory curriculum. I have to take care of the ladies; it is my purpose.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-14 11:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SilvrWolf for President.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-14 11:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Question: Must money exchange hands, or would you also accept, as payment, oral skills of equal or greater value in return?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-08-14 11:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
alwayspeach1: I'll be sure to write a post solely dedicated to the art of cunnilingus to help spread the good word to the masses. Most all guys love having their dick sucked, but it seems that so few know how to properly please a woman in reciprocation. I blame porn for that; in order to get the good camera shots, the guys just end up looking like they're lapping at a water dish. This must be remedied soon, and I'm going to do my part.
I think going down on a woman is a completely underappreciated art form.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-14 10:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 tongue tricks
+2 ice cream
If only more knew how to read the handbook <sigh>
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-14 10:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post
B@W
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-08-14 09:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You have no idea, Manic. I can't say much more without sounding like I'm hitting on you or conceited, but well...
I could make you levitate.
On a completely related note: oral sex is a felony in Virginia.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-08-14 09:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
I like a man with good tongue tricks.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-08-14 09:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"HighVoltage: I didn't think this was post that great either."
Obviously, my English is suffering as well.
Need.
More.
Coffee.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-08-14 09:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stagger: You have my deepest apologies. I haven't been reading much of anything on Uber in recent days. It's not personal, I promise. I just drop in, feed my attention whore self by checking on my ridiculously overrated posts and drop back out. In an attempt to redeem myself, I'm printing out a few of your posts and I'll get back online at some point to drop reviews.
HighVoltage: I didn't think this was post that great either. I think I meant it to be more entertaining than guffawingly funny. It's very loosely based on actual events happening in my life right now, so I think I've used it more as an outlet than anything else. Not that I mind getting laid or anything; I'm just having a moral dilemma about how I'm doing it. I'm an evil, evil man and I'm going to hell. I appreciate your candor, though.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-08-14 05:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-08-14 04:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent advice there man........ er, purely to pass on to my friends, of course. A goddam sexual tyrannasaurus like myself knows how to get a motor purring nicely, then hammer it down the highway at a hundred and eighty.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-14 03:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't read me anymore and that makes me sad.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-14 01:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I dunno dude. It made me smile and everything, but it didn't kill me. Maybe it's my mood, I'll read it later and see if I feel the same way.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-13 21:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-08-13 21:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-08-13 19:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I absolutely LOVE bringing them off the bed and making their knees shake. The after-orgasm shivering is pretty sexy, too. Maybe I'm just a freak, but that stuff really gets my motor running.
Yep, the memo just came across my desk. It's official; I'm a freak."
Doesn't sound freaky to me.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-13 19:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, well then yes..I see your point. Where I come from, a friend first is out of the running, because if he is truly my friend, he will put out for free.
And as for your other point, you say freak, I say "mmm."
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-08-13 18:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'Licious: The friend thing is only there for the potential client who doesn't know she's a potential client yet. If you tell me from the start that you're paying me for sex, hell no, I won't be your friend because you're just gonna boot me out when we're finished. Otherwise, I have to work you up to it first.
As for the ice cream thing, I thought it was a good simile for the lesson I'm trying to teach here. Going down is one of my many talents; I can turn my tongue over 180 degrees in either direction and I absolutely LOVE bringing them off the bed and making their knees shake. The after-orgasm shivering is pretty sexy, too. Maybe I'm just a freak, but that stuff really gets my motor running.
Yep, the memo just came across my desk. It's official; I'm a freak.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-08-13 18:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're shit in bed if you won't go red:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/91705
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-08-13 17:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ouch. Wicked burn, apollo.
I got nothing. I should defend Stin's honor here, but well, she pretty much left me to rot.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-08-13 17:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. Let's face it - if you're reading this for advice, you're not getting any anyway so lowering the bar shouldn't take that much effort. Is she fat? Perfect. Is she ugly enough to make you call Janet Reno a fox? Excellent. Does she have psychotic tendencies? Awesome."""
is that why you fucked Stin?
Ooooh! SNAP!
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-13 16:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More like Being A Man Whore - Getting Cash by Fucking Ass.
Har har.
B@W.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-13 16:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What gave you the idea that if I'm paying you for sex, you have to be my friend?
You're right on about the ice cream, though.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-08-13 16:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-08-13 16:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-08-13 16:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If that is a cane in your hand, I want it.