Confessions of a Kebab Shop Worker (1017 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.82 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Joe Green <joe_green_2006.at.yahoo.co.uk> (View user info) at 2006-08-14 06:40:18 EDT
Ok, quick survey. Hands up who's ever staggered into a kebab shop after a night out, and thought the greasy pieces of meat stuffed into the pocket of a thin piece of bread were akin to nouvelle cuisine. The finest gourmet treat available to mankind? Who thinks the elephant-like leg of meat on the big spinning stick is really meat?
Me for one......... at least I used to.
I've had enough crappy jobs to last 3 lifetimes, but each has had its own part in moulding me into the individual I am today.
I wouldn't wish this job on anyone, but it certainly opened my eyes, and changed the way I treat the good folk who prepare the food we readily stuff down our throats then throw up a few minutes later.
"Hey" I said. "You guys must be pretty desperate for staff, if you want one of your customers to work for you"
"Well, uh, yes, and we also need someone who can understand the, uh, 'pissed up muthafucks' who come in". Stavros was the owner of the place. He was 6'4" of pure Turkish grease ball, with a grimy white apron, hands like frying pans and a meat cleaver tucked into his belt. "If you want job, then, uh, you start tomorrow night"
One look at the meat cleaver, and I was his bitch.
My first night, Stavros is showing me the ropes.
"Ok, here are all the, uh, sauces - chilli sauce, mayonnaise, garlic mayonnaise. Just, uh, watch out for this one on the end." He motioned towards a bottle looking much like the others, but slightly to one side.
"Why, what's in that one?"
"Well, uh, you see, these 'pissed up muthafucks' who come in, they like to 'give-a da shit', you know? They shout, and call us Turkish pricks, and whatever. When they do, they get the slop sauce"
"Slop sauce?" Did I really want to know? Really?
"Only for the, uh muthafucks, you know. We keep that special for them. Every now and again, we just need to top it up by, uh, you know........" He made the unmistakable gesture of a fist, slightly open, bobbing up and down.
Holy fuck Mary Mother of God. I'd heard the urban myths about this sort of thing, but never thought it would actually happen. How naïve I was. I was desperately racking my mind to think if I had ever pissed these guys off. I really fucking hoped not.
I put those thought from my mind, and began serving my first few customers. The clientele that came through the door at the beginning of the evening were fairly mild mannered. Civil, decent people, seeking low cost fast food to take home and eat in front of a movie.
As the evening rolled on, the obvious factors came into play. Alcohol and narcotics. Stoned teenagers with the munchies ordering pizzas, burgers and soft drinks. Underage drinkers grabbing an order of fries before heading back to mummies before curfew.
As the bars in the area close, they gather. I've never noticed the phenomenon before, because I was always part of it. To see this act of human nature for a sober perspective was quite a spectacle to behold.
Mass groups of inebriated "yoofs", chavs and twats just looking for fights, descend upon the various eateries in the area.
"Give us a large lamb donner mate, innit, loads of chilli sauce on the cunt". I ducked the stream of spittle and rung the order on the register. Pissed up maybe, but not giving me any grief directly. The next group arrives.
The Alpha male, clearly distinguished by the sophisticated swastika tattoo in the middle of his forehead, lurched over to the counter.
"I want one of them fucking onion bhajis and a super burger with mayo and NO fucking salad. None of that poncey fucking lettucey shit. I aint no fucking bird". Quite true. No wings could ever get this fat prick high enough to get his knuckles of the floor.
I rang in the order, told him the price, and he handed over a 10 spot. I gave him his change, picked up his order, and went to fulfil his request for mayo. As I went to pick up the sauce, he decided to try his luck.
"Oi, listen hear you cunt. You only gave me change of a fucking ten. I gave you a fucking 20, now give me the rest of my fucking change you cunt"
"No dude, you gave me a 10"
"Listen here you fucking little bitch......" My hand moved from the normal bottle to the slop sauce. ".......... I gave you a fucking 20. Are you calling me a fucking liar? Are ya? Are ya? Come one then, I'll fucking batter ya, I'll fuckin batter ya"
In the normal run of things, I'm not the biggest fan of Johnny Law, but I was glad to see Mr Plod enter the shop to investigate the commotion. He calmed the silverback down, and persuaded him to leave.
"At least let me have my fucking burger, I have paid for it"
"Sure, I just gotta do your mayo"
I grabbed the slop sauce. Picked it up. Put it down.
I couldn't do it. Sick and wrong. I used the normal mayo. I'm a decent person. Or I was until I met the final customer of the evening.
The last wave of people come from the casino just down the street, which closes just after 2 am. Just as we were about to close up, this redneck guy walks in. He's got a big shit-kicker hat on, and a toothpick protruding from one corner of his mouth.
"Gimme a cheeseburger"
I got him a cheeseburger.
"Hey son, what the howdey fucking dudey do you call this shit?" He opened the bun and pointed at the cheese like it was dogshit.
"uh, cheese dude"
"If I wanted cheese on my goddam burger, I'd have goddam well asked for it" He threw the open cheeseburger on the floor. "Now get me a fucking burger with chilli sauce, like I asked for. Prick"
It was late. I wanted to go home. I didn't need this shit. I got him a burger, with chilli sauce. When I gave it to him, you would have thought I'd just handed him a pint of piss.
"WHAT IN THE FUCKING NAME OF GOD ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE ME FOR?? DO I LOOK LIKE SOME SHITKICKING ASSHOLE TO YOU??"
Well, yeah. But he was a BIG shitkicking asshole. I bit my tongue.
"YOU BETTER GIVE ME MY LARGE LAMB DONER WITH MAYO, AND YOU BETTER DO IT FUCKING SHARP, SON".
Oooooh, you bastard. No more Mr Nice Service. I got the kebab. Got the slop. No hesitation.
"Don't you fucking scrimp on that mayo boy, or so help me god, I'm gonna do something I regret"
"No problem sir. Lots of mayo, just like you want." I squirted thick, gray white liquid mixed with rotten mayo, deep in the bowels of the kebab. I had to hold my breath, if I got a whiff of this I was gonna throw my load.
"Here you go sir"
"About fucking time, you useless moron." He held it in his hands. It went towards his mouth. He took a big mouthful and sank his teeth in. Traces of "mayo" spilled from the corner of his mouth
"This takes like shit, son". It probably did. But he took another bite anyway. In fact he stood there eating the whole thing, only pausing between bites to complain about how bad it was. When he finished, he stood on one of the plastic tables, and took his pants down.
"Here's what I think of that". The bastard curled out the biggest log I'd ever seen onto the table. He then pulled up his pants, and left the shop, laughing his shit-kicker ass off.
Stavros appeared. "See, I told you we get some real, uh, muthafucks. I hope you sauced him. For now - clean up that shit" he said, and went out back.
Fucking great, I thought. I grabbed a laminated menu, slid it under the turd, and flicked it out the shop door onto the concrete floor. Shitkicker man was gonna pay.
The next night, shitkicker was in again, and pulled the same stunt of changing his order. More slop sauce for him, but thankfully no more shit to clean up though. As the place was closed up, I noticed that the turd that I'd flicked out the previous night was still there. And it had hardened up after a day in the sun. I spied an empty Styrofoam container, and by using a small stick managed to roll it into the box.
I stashed it in a bush, and the next day retrieved it and with rubber gloves and a knife, sliced it into pieces. I kept it hidden round the back of the kebab shop. It was a few days before I saw shitkicker again. He hadn't changed. He was a few back in the queue, so I nipped out back and got the special ingredient.
He played the charade as normal - cheeseburger, normal burger with chilli, finally a kebab with mayo. I went to carve the meat from the stick, and with my back turned to him, arranged the surprise carefully between the layers of meat. Topped of the delightful snack with plenty of sauce as requested.
"Here you go sir, enjoy your meal"
"Fuck you son, and the horse you rode in on. I don't know why I come here anyway" he retorted as he left the shop, taking his first fat mouthful.
Eat shit, shitkicker. Eat your own shit and die.
User Reviews
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-11-14 17:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Alpha male, clearly distinguished by the sophisticated swastika tattoo in the middle of his forehead, lurched over to the counter.
Amoungst other good lines in here...
Submitted by Faith (user info) at 2006-11-14 17:18:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-08-14 06:47:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
"I'll fucking batter ya, I'll fuckin batter ya""
No way did he pronounce the rs on the end of batter.
_______________
Never been threatened by a Glaswegian huh?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-11-01 18:38:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
EXCELLENT!
Submitted by QuietObservation (user info) at 2006-09-17 02:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's nice to know people like you are out there getting even at the fuckers who think their servers and food-preparers are people to screw with. He earned that meal.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-17 02:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking disgusting.
I have never had a kebab, and now I don't know that I ever will.
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2006-09-17 01:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing
Submitted by OfficeZombie (user info) at 2006-08-20 15:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, perhaps the best thing iv'e read in a while.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-08-15 06:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a kebeb last night.
I think I was polite.
I also used to work in a Kebab/Pizza shop.
-Dave
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-14 16:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff.
Submitted by wingester1 (user info) at 2006-08-14 08:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh sorrry i meant to say SHUT THE FUCK UP!
FUCK FUCKING HELL FUCKING DICKHEADS
Submitted by wingester1 (user info) at 2006-08-14 08:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i did like it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-14 08:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't believe it either.
Submitted by alwayspeach1 (user info) at 2006-08-14 07:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was written well.
But the mayo visuals made me gag.
A lot.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-08-14 07:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was quite good, but I don't believe a lot of it.
Of course I might be wrong, but it just seems a bit too out there.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-14 07:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My local kebab shops know me. I smile at them and say nothing. They smile back and give me my order.
We don't need words anymore.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-08-14 07:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know someone who works in a kebab shop. He's a cunt.
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2006-08-14 07:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rofl Wheres the +3 button
Submitted by stok (user info) at 2006-08-14 07:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
all lies and no funny
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-14 06:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gallowayveer (user info) at 2006-08-14 06:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
my excriment smells like last nights roats chicken
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-08-14 06:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I'll fucking batter ya, I'll fuckin batter ya""
No way did he pronounce the rs on the end of batter.