The Day the Teephphah Died Part 4: Enter the Derkins (810 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: TDtTD
Rating: 1.33 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie (hates her job) Derkins (View user info) at 2006-08-14 15:17:32 EDT
Here's a short recap since weekend alcohol binges can erase memory:
The Day the Teephphah Died Part One: The Alcohall of Fame http://www.ubersite.com/m/91581 We are introduced to Barbecue Bob and his way of life. Our dear Teephphah's arrival upsets this. Jack McCallum falls off Icarus' roof and announces that the rednecks seem to be forming ranks and getting ready to attack.
The Day the Teephphah Died Part 2: I'm the only hell Mama ever raised: http://www.ubersite.com/m/91650 Icky calls Susie to ask her to join their fight. The rednecks begin their assault, firing the first shot with a Weber Minigrill shot from a makeshift ballista.
The Day the Teephphah Died Part 3: I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life http://www.ubersite.com/m/91687 Icky calls on his giantess sister for help from the Air Force and is met with bored sarcasm. The rednecks continue their assault when without explanation or warning, they stop and head back to their homes.
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"Maybe they're going to their trucks for their shotguns." Teeph offered. I heard Icarus laughing from behind me. I turned to my husband, confused.
"It's Miller Time." He said. We all breathed a sigh of relief: we were safe for a couple of hours. With any luck, there would be some NASCAR event to keep them occupied for longer.
"OK," I said, "Are there any more coming to help?"
"There's no way to know, Babe." Icarus sighed, "I only got one response back before the troglodytes cut the power."
Jack snorted from the corner of the roof.
"Well let's hope there's more than that." I said, rising to my feet. "Let's see what we have as weapons around here."
"And let's hope reinforcements get here soon." Teephphah added.
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I pulled my car to the side of the road to read the map. I heard guffawing up the way, where some trailer park wiggers were spray painting "GIT R DONE, YO!" on a Bobcat. I shook my head and returned to my map.
"It should be around here somewhere," I mumbled to myself as I noticed shapes approaching in the corner of my eye. I looked up and saw two wiggers limping their way toward my window. Fuck me.
"Ya'll lost, woman?" asked the tall, skinny redneck wigger. I sighed. This mouth breather and his lackey were the only two in the vicinity and I did need help finding Icky's place.
"I am, actually. Do you know where I can find..."
"I'll helps ya find yer way....into my pants, yo!" Tall Skinny Fuck said. The shorter, pudgier redneck snortled and made some hand gesture that resembled a tyrannosaur in distress.
"I'm sorry," I said, restarting my car. "I don't speak redneck twit. Forget I asked."
"Yo, eat me, BEEYATCH!" said Tall Skinny Fuck, grabbing his junk. I calmly turned off my ignition and exited my car, smiling sweet as can be. I approached him and reached my hands up and ran them through his greasy hair. He grinned as I grabbed hold of his ears and smashed his face into my knee, knocking him cold. Short Pudgy Snortler was frozen in place, looking at his friend prostrate before him. He looked at me, his face contorting. He let loose his battle cry and charged. I kicked him in the gut and he was down. I straddled his chest, placing a knee on each of his shoulders, securing his upper arms with my shins. I plucked a blade of grass out of the ground and twirled it before his face.
"So." I said coolly, "Can I assume you're going to help me out now, or are you a smartass too?"
"You crazy-ass ho, git off'n me!" he struggled futilely.
I sighed mock-sadly, stuck the blade of grass up his nose and started twisting. He screamed bloody murder as his eyes immediately teared up. He pled with me to stop, promising me directions, his first born, the world if I wanted it. I flicked the blade of grass away and ordered him to start talking.
User Reviews
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-19 00:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's right, spit water everywhere baby.
Actually I am commenting here because I hate whenever I look on my User Info and see that I was the last person to review one of my posts, so here I am. Now you will see "HighVoltage reviewed *blank amount of time ago*" and it will make you happy.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-08-18 13:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-18 13:12:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-16 20:01:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
You take shit too seriously. If you can't take his insults then go cry in the corner. Remember, it's up the street, not across. Since you're predictable, I await my retal -2.
_________________
The pleasure is all yours!
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OMG SUZIE Q. I JUST HAD MY PERIOD ALL OVER MY KEEEYBORD AND IT TYPD OUT TIS REVEW! LOLMOWERZ@!!!!11!!ELEVENTY-ONE!!!11!
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I heart you HV, that made me spit water all over my keeeeeeybord.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-18 13:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-16 20:01:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
You take shit too seriously. If you can't take his insults then go cry in the corner. Remember, it's up the street, not across. Since you're predictable, I await my retal -2.
_________________
The pleasure is all yours!
==========
OMG SUZIE Q. I JUST HAD MY PERIOD ALL OVER MY KEEEYBORD AND IT TYPD OUT TIS REVEW! LOLMOWERZ@!!!!11!!ELEVENTY-ONE!!!11!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-08-17 18:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-16 20:01:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
You take shit too seriously. If you can't take his insults then go cry in the corner. Remember, it's up the street, not across. Since you're predictable, I await my retal -2.
_________________
The pleasure is all yours!
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*smiles* thank you.
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-16 20:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You take shit too seriously. If you can't take his insults then go cry in the corner. Remember, it's up the street, not across. Since you're predictable, I await my retal -2.
_________________
The pleasure is all yours!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nome sane?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:17:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'nome sayiiiiiiiiiiing?'
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-08-14 22:47:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This wasn't as hot as the others, but I'm willing to +2 the series because I know it's hard to keep it up every moment of a series.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-08-14 16:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-14 16:37:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
LET TEH NIPPLE-TWIDDLING COMMENCE!
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HAHAHAHA I was waiting for this. What took you so long?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-08-14 16:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LET TEH NIPPLE-TWIDDLING COMMENCE!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-14 15:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, I remember going for something more "wholesome", like "Paris Hilton to Remain Celibate for Year. Hordes of VD Doctors Unemployed."
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2006-08-14 15:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yes, yes, I know. Insert sexual innuendo here. This was your title idea, Icky!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-08-14 15:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO JOB HATERZZZZZZZ WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, though, you're going to catch hell for that title.