Early Retirement (409 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: -1.12 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <zfx84.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-08-15 10:51:31 EDT
Part of the reason why I was hired for my new job was because one co-worker would be out for a while due to foot surgery. The other reason was because this other woman would be entering early retirement and they needed another full time person on staff, because the office could not function on one person alone. Well, it could actually, but I'm getting paid too much, so I'll just keep my mouth shut on that. So, Friday was the last day of work for this woman, um...let's call her Kate. Now, I've only worked with Kate for two weeks, but I can already say that she has easily made it into my top 5 list of the most despised people I know. What irritates me the most is the fact that she's probably not even aware of how condescending she is, nor is she aware of how often her ego shows it's ugly face in every conversation. But she's so cheery and polite about most things, that I think it masks her personality flaws and most people forget that they would secretly hate her otherwise. Well, I see past all her defense mechanisms and know her for what she really is: an extreme megalomaniac with a false sense of importance. Sure, she's done a lot to help out in the 9 years that she worked there and she was an inviting face to everyone that walked in looking for assistance. But just because she has a friendly smile on the outside doesn't mean she isn't a vindictive little bitch on the inside.
I'm essentially taking over some of her job duties, and whenever I'd ask her a question about something, she'd respond with an answer that wasn't really an answer. For example; if I asked her "Kate, how do I customize the payroll warrant to include some employee names but not others?" She'd respond, "It's on the computer." Well duh, you whore. Obviously it's on the computer, but I'm asking a specific question and I would appreciate it if you didn't give me a vague generalized answer. Also, whenever someone would come into the office she would mention to them that she is retiring. Now granted that's a give in, but when people ask why, she'd always give the same damn story. Now, I know there are ways to tell the same story differently each time, but she is like a preprogrammed robot that says the exact same words in the exact same order with the exact same emphasis on every motherfucking syllable. It got so repetitive to the point that I could mouth the words along with her as she spoke them. I knew exactly what was coming next because it never changed. She would also often turn to me and ask me to do some office task and I would just sit there blinking at her, always wondering if she would give me more information on what exactly she wants me to do. Did I need to remind her that I'm still new at this job? That I don't know the standard procedure for a lot of their redundant actions? Apparently she was old enough to retire, because she couldn't even fucking remember that.
By the beginning of last week, her voice had become a sharp stab in my ears with a hollowed out ballpoint pen. I know how she likes movies and so do I, so as a common interest, I brought up the fact that I heard Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones would be in the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie. She responded with "That's cool. I met him once, in fact I met all of the Rolling Stones." My mouth went agape with astonishment at the fact that she could turn that conversation around so fast and make it all about her. Do I care that she met him? No, because he looks like dead skin draped over a skeleton and the Stones suck. But it just amazes me how every conversation turns into one about her, or about her family, or about someone she knows that is famous. We could be talking about pedophiles that rape children, and she'd still manage to somehow turn that into a positive conversation about her.
So as each day dragged on, I loathed her more and more. Believe me, I wanted to kill her, but again, I am still new at this job and I didn't want to be fired. I need the money. Besides, she was going to be gone soon and off into retirement where death knocks on your door each time you go to take a shit. Since Friday was her last day, my boss thought it appropriate to throw a little party/lunch thing for her. One more day to celebrate Kate and how important she was to the office! Well, let me tell you something...just because you are necessary, doesn't mean you're important. You could drop dead two hours before your official retirement and I'm positive that the office would continue running without her. As she laughed it up with others at the lunch, I sat across the room counting the seconds until she'd be out of my life. After hearing her tell the "my reason for retiring" story again to five more people, I couldn't take it anymore and retreated back into the office.
Once inside I went on a rampage and vented my anger out on Kate's desk. I pushed and threw everything off of her desktop and onto the floor. I threw down her computer screen and cracked it against the wall. I took all the flowers that other people had sent her and put them through the paper shredder. Then I went into each drawer, lit a match, threw it inside, and then closed the drawers as it began to burn. Smoke escaped from the tiny cracks as I then went and threw her desk chair out of the window. As the desk became engulfed in flames I watched it burn to the ground, then I pissed on the ashes and took a shit in her purse. I then left and went into the bathroom to wash my hands. Inside the bathroom, was one of the custodians. He started talking to me about his weekend for some reason and broke the unspoken rule that guys do not talk to each other in the bathroom. Only women do that because they're inconsiderate and typically chatty. As he kept babbling on, I realized that I had found a perfect escape goat. I punched him in the face and knocked him out. I then dragged his body back into the office, unbeknownst to everyone else that was still in the conference room across the way. I left his body by the ashes of Kate's desk and then put a ladder next to him to make it appear that he had fallen off it and somehow landed on her desk, setting it on fire somehow. The ladder thing is already an inside joke, apparently he falls off of them all the time due to extreme vertigo, therefore he is no longer allowed on them.
I returned quietly to the others and pretended nothing happened. Later when they found the custodian's body passed out by the ruins of Kate's desk, they obviously blamed him and told him that they would take the cost of a new desk and computer out of his next paycheck. Kate didn't seem as disappointed and as angry as I thought she'd be. She left promptly at 3 o'clock, just as bright and cheery as ever. That bitch, how dare she. Although I guarantee that smug grin will be wiped clear off her face when she gets to her car and fishes for her keys in her purse, only to ome out with a hand covered in shit.
User Reviews
Submitted by zfx84 (user info) at 2006-08-15 15:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHA...I love disagreements via the internet!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-08-15 14:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-15 12:28:48 (#)
Ranking: -2
PS. If you EVER retalitory -2 me again, not only will I have your posting privileges removed, I'll also have you killed.
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The little cock did it to me too and I 0'd this pileof shit.
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-08-15 13:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:22:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
"Escape goat."
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I'd heard it said but I never actually thought I'd see it in print.
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-08-15 13:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-15 12:06:43 (#)
Ranking: -2
Look up "paragraphs" in the dictionary and see if those fit the criteria.
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i thought they did plus that reviem made me laugh
Submitted by Hypatia86 (user info) at 2006-08-15 12:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it was ok... but i really dont believe that you did that...amp
Submitted by zfx84 (user info) at 2006-08-15 12:38:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd like to see you try. I'd love for you to kill me until I died from it...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-15 12:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
PS. If you EVER retalitory -2 me again, not only will I have your posting privileges removed, I'll also have you killed.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-15 12:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Look up "paragraphs" in the dictionary and see if those fit the criteria.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:21:30 (#)
Ranking: -1
Large, boring looking bloacks of text, containing long uninteresting stories make the baby jesus frown a little.
Anything on Uber seems long, when the text is all crammed together.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm bored not brain dead.
I'm not reading all of that.
Have a 0 though cos it might be good.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Escape goat."
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Large, boring looking bloacks of text, containing long uninteresting stories make the baby jesus frown a little.
Anything on Uber seems long, when the text is all crammed together.