Why you should NEVER spin around in an office chair (1018 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: comedy
Rating: 1.45 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Maltese (View user info) at 2006-08-15 11:02:39 EDT
This happened to me back when I was fifteen years old, which was a year ago (now I am a full-fledged 16 y/old, what the hell man ,etc.)
I didn't work in an office because I was too young at the time, but my brother Daryl, who was 20 at the time, did. I was going to go see him at his new job, because there was nothing else to do.
He worked for an insurance company in a cubicle job. He had already gone through tons of these kinds of jobs.
Eventually I found him. I was shocked at how tiny and cramped the cubicle was. I'm serious here, people, the thing was so fucking small it put Michael Jackson's penis to shame.
"Hey man, how'd you get here?", he said.
"Just wanted to see your new job.", said I, Master of the Universe.
Eventually I too got bored. I sat in the hallway amongst the hundreds if not thousands of cubicles, just waiting for SOMETHING, ANYTHING fun. An hour of walking around and I eventually found the supervisor's office.
There it was, shining.
He had left early and had left his big, comfortable office chair behind.
Score.
Immediately I sat down and began spinning and moving. Within a few minutes I was careening through the building at high speeds, spinning like an old man's flaccid penis in the wind. I was totally hauling ass.
What happened next was possibly the worst thing that has ever happened in the universe... ever.
The dreaded killer of all pro office chair riders.
The stairs.
I tried to stop, but it was no use. The chair tipped over backwards and speeded down the staircase, me trying desperately not to brake any bones.
Keep in mind that this staircase was about 60 feet long (18 meters). Plus it was steep as all hell.
As I reached the bottom of the Stairway To Hell, it happened.
I saw a guy coming up the stairs. A big, rich-looking fat guy, probably in his early 60s.
It was like slow-motion:
"LOOK OUT!!!", I yelled.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!", said the fat old guy.
He had no time to escape. As much as I tried to stop the chair, I ran his ass over.
Me and the chair smashed into the wall, but luckily my head didn't due to how tall the top part of the chair was.
I saw the fat guy, laying down, grabbing his leg and moaning.
"YOU SON OF A BITCH!", he said.
"Dude, I'm really sorry. I really didn't mean to..."
"I AM THE SUPERVISOR OF THIS COMPANY! I WILL RUIN YOU! YOU HEAR ME? RUUUIIIIINNNN YOOOOOOUUUU!!!"
Oh. Shit.
"AND IS THAT MY CHAIR? IT IS! YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU STOLE MY CHAIR!"
I, being the nice guy that I am, called the ambulance to come get him. Had I not, I probably would live in a crackhouse today, because it was solely for that act of kindness that he didn't press charges against me for breaking his leg.
He fired my brother, and to this day he still brings it up sometimes.
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-06 17:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-16 09:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2006-08-16 08:44:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
And how did he know your brother worked there?
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He's the SUPERVISOR. He knows EVERYTHING. By the way, nice Jeffrey Dahmer reference in your username.
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2006-08-16 08:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
And how did he know your brother worked there?
Submitted by stok (user info) at 2006-08-15 20:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
nope. thankyou.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-15 17:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PEENER POWER!
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2006-08-15 16:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5 post but it's a nice day out today.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-08-15 15:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh...
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-15 15:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SUCKLE ME IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE, ROBOT SLAVE!
solid, dude.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-15 15:05:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BOY DON'T MAKE ME HAVE TO TELL U TWICE
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-08-15 14:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry...but this was not very well written.
Submitted by SmartisSexy (user info) at 2006-08-15 14:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ROFL ...
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-08-15 14:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I told you
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-08-15 14:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-15 14:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Help! I've fallen and I can't get it up!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-08-15 13:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, I've never broken any one elses bone except the nose bone.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-15 13:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
HEY THAT'S MY CHAIR
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-15 13:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just raped SpongeBob SquarePants up his yellow, pourous rectum with his own spatula.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-15 13:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you -2 this, prepare to have a chair run over you sometime in the near future.
Submitted by Life101 (user info) at 2006-08-15 13:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny as hell
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-08-15 12:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-15 12:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's time for tasteball!
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-08-15 12:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This explains a lot - annnd the link was great.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-15 12:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:57:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:34:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
That video made me laugh so hard I nearly shat a dildo across the floor.
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Would you mind explaining why it is you have a dildo up your ass?
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I put it in there so that I could shat it across the floor when I saw the video so I could tell you that I did. Also, I met Eminem the other day and we had anal sex in the bathroom... so that I could tell you he was teh ghey >_<.
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:34:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:05:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.glumbert.com/media/tonguetwister.html
(link SFW)
I know you have probably seen it but if not, JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED
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That video made me laugh so hard I nearly shat a dildo across the floor.
----
Would you mind explaining why it is you have a dildo up your ass?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad...this might explain your semi-retardation.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.
smooth.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:05:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.glumbert.com/media/tonguetwister.html
(link SFW)
I know you have probably seen it but if not, JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED
----
That video made me laugh so hard I nearly shat a dildo across the floor.
Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My chair is better. This thing has like 8 methods of adjustment, and it's giving me an HJ right now.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:30:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this, and for the link below
Submitted by Hypatia86 (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, office chairs are cool, spinny spinny.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have that same exact chair.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've just inspired a new game for my my fellow slaves in this building, to see who can steal the most senior member of staff's chair. The Senior Manager in the Ops department is a cunt. I'm planning a covert operation as we speak. His chair may as well be gone already.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:15:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile (+1)
-Dave
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2006-08-15 11:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.glumbert.com/media/tonguetwister.html
(link SFW)
I know you have probably seen it but if not, JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED