I feel sick. Give me love and opium. (959 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.91 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Berty (View user info) at 2006-08-16 05:39:01 EDT
Everything is horrible. My skin feels dry and unpalatable, my guts feel like they're being consumed by ants. The air is so cold and I'm sure there is a smell of pesticide in the tea.
Anyway, forget all that. Coley or someone told me to write about good things and positive stuff to make everyone feel happy.
Sleep is awesome. There is no better feeling than curling up in a warm duvet on a soft bed on a winters day. It's better than any cunt in the world that, although curling up in a nice warm duvet on a nice soft bed with a nice cosey cunt also has a lot to be said for it.
Or does it? I mean the cunt steals the duvet or just lies there getting all soggy. In the end you end up with sweaty duvet, a duvet that's gotten all compacted in the middle and the corners are just empty material that lies limply against your frame like a dead curtain.
Lying in a bed with nice warm duvet around every part of you except your ankles, which are covered by a thin veil of material, is one of the most dissatisfying experiences that can be experienced in western civilisation. It's moved me to tears in the past.
I would also like to own a bidet. I go through an awful lot of toilet paper making sure one's area is free of contamination, if you follow my meaning. I worry a lot that I may have some kind of complex but it's one of those things that's impossible to talk to other people about without feeling ashamed, much like unhappiness. WIth a bidet though I would be able to cleanse myself cheaply and quickly whilst cutting down on damage to the environment.
I used to work for a person who stank of shit. He trained me in my old job and it was awful. He would lean over me to show me how to do something and I felt so violated. I just felt dirty, like his stink had infected me somehow and now everyone was looking at me and thinking "He smells, Berty smells. Lets all plot his downfall and ridicule him." because that's what people do about people who smell. People have been murdered because other people thought they smelt funny. You can't smell your own smell either, so I live in fear of being murdered by an angry mob for not realising I smell funny. So I spend 45 minutets in the shower scrubbing my body, which is really the only thing you can do if you live alone. I'm trying to remove this smell prejudice via smoking.
I'm going to buy some new clothes this weekend, something grey. I need something to help me fade into the background more. It's hard being shy and in a wheelchair, people keep looking at you. I wouldn't mind if women grabbed the handles, wheeled me to a secluded spot and blew me but that almost never happens. That said though you must never spontaneously hug a person in a wheelchair, they are always looking for someone to feel superior to and unless they are feeling very unhappy they will tell you that you smell of dickcheese.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-06 04:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I've just ordered a book written in French.
Merde.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-06 04:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Come on Gandalf! Re-Write the Hobbit at least!
RAPIDO!
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-08-30 18:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
... because I haven't been around to show you any love lately.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-08-16 13:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the part about womens grabbing your wheelchair handles and wheeling you off to a secluded spot and blowing you; mostly the part about how that *hardly ever* happens (implying that it does, sometimes). And also the suggestion about penning a Jesus-stealing-your-unborn-baby cartoon.
That was good.
Plus my name was in this, though I don't know why.
Cause I would NEVER suggest making everyone feel good.
Why would you want to do that?
Be selective!
Submitted by whysenheimer (user info) at 2006-08-16 13:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-08-16 12:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-08-16 06:09:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually - you should sign for Aston Villa
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Or Pompey.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-16 11:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-16 07:51:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, I will be there.
~~~
Splendid!!
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-08-16 11:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You haven't offended me, Berty.
I think it's not about taste but understanding.
You shouldn't fib about being sorry though, your spokes will go rusty.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-08-16 11:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-16 10:19:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-08-16 09:57:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think the webcomic you linked to was inappropriate.
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Of course not. What could be inappropriate about making a public comic showing one of your ficticious characters taking the soul of an internet friends dead baby away in a cute 'n' kitchy manner?
Perhaps when employees at my workplace suffer miscariages we should get together and pen a cartoon of the Jesus taking their offspring away whilst saying "Best wishes from all your employee contemporaries. Here's hoping they have candy in heaven!" instead of a generic card.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I rather liked that comic.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-16 11:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry Dervel, I have offended you and I feel bad about it.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-08-16 11:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The guy wrote a cartoon expressing his loss and how he felt.
Another cartoonist responded by writing a cartoon offering his sympathy, with the offer of pulling it if it offended.
If he didn't want people to know or respond, he wouldn't have mentioned it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-16 10:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-08-16 10:23:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish I was a punk rocker.
With flowers in my hair.
I wish I could get that fucking song out of my head, too.
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I just think about that ditty from Run Lola Run.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-16 10:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fair enough. Evidently I am wrong. Taste is really one of those majority rules things anyway.
Thank you for the kind words Phuzzy.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-08-16 10:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now you're just being obtuse.
You stick with sending out generic cards, people really appreciate them.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-08-16 10:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish I was a punk rocker.
With flowers in my hair.
I wish I could get that fucking song out of my head, too.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-16 10:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-08-16 09:57:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think the webcomic you linked to was inappropriate.
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Of course not. What could be inappropriate about making a public comic showing one of your ficticious characters taking the soul of an internet friends dead baby away in a cute 'n' kitchy manner?
Perhaps when employees at my workplace suffer miscariages we should get together and pen a cartoon of the Jesus taking their offspring away whilst saying "Best wishes from all your employee contemporaries. Here's hoping they have candy in heaven!" instead of a generic card.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-16 10:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and that comic made me cry.
asshole.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-08-16 10:07:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you have several complexes.
i always let the other person have more of the covers. i must learn to stop that.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-08-16 09:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think the webcomic you linked to was inappropriate.
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2006-08-16 09:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh fuck you, your emo, blah blah blah, quit whineing blah blah blah etc...
Uber is full of pricks. +2 cuz I know what your going through. Nothing ever feels right, or ever tastes as good as it could.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-08-16 08:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bertram, you seem a little down.
Anything I can do to help?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-16 07:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, I will be there.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-16 07:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty are you coming to the London thing in Sept?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-08-16 07:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww..does Berty need a hug?
I would also like a bidet.
I feel sick today, too. I may work from home. Opium and love are two of my favorite things and I believe they are the cures to all of life's problems.
Chin up; feel better. Tomorrow's another day. Still miserable, but probably a little bit different in some way.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-08-16 06:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't like the smell of dribblers. And people who leave their mouths open while walking around.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-16 06:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck it
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-08-16 06:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I find it lacking in bertyisms.
plenty of sad and pathetic though.
the strip was weak.
but I really liked the sad and pathetic.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-08-16 06:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually - you should sign for Aston Villa
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-08-16 06:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Flying a kite. Or perhaps some competitive sport. You could entertain yourself playing football while shouting your own commentary in your head.
"Berty dribbles past one player"
"Past another"
"Runs over someone's foot"
"Sits there dribbling and shitting himself while everyone has the decency to look away at the precise moment when your eyes cross"
"Berty rolls towards the goal - ball trapped firmly beneath the wheelchair"
"Concusses goal keeper who is only trying to get the ball back"
"GOAL GOAL GOAL BERTY SCORES - WESTERN CIVILISATION APPLAUDS!"
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-08-16 06:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I recommend an outdoors hobby.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-16 06:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps you're right Merlina. Perhaps you're right.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-16 06:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's true PFF, it's a very, very weak strip.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-08-16 06:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry Bertyboy, I honestly didn't like this at all.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-08-16 05:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not only is that the lamest comic ever, with sentimental bullshit replacing any oppurtunity for humor, but the stupid cunt who wrote it doesn't even know the difference between "then" and "than"
I read the end punchline as: "kiddo, you ARE the cookie where I'm taking you", only because I couldn't comprehend reading an entire comic without one joke
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-08-16 05:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
David Wright's wife suffered a miscarriage so one of his friends made one of the most inappropriate webcomics I have ever seen: http://www.abh-comic.com/d/20051219.html